adventures of wanderlust gyrl

markers

2012-01-15T11:05:00.002-06:00

I have been back in the tailspin of extreme mourning. Yesterday marked two months to the day that my baby left. Sadly, it is not getting any easier. The floods of tears continue to roll down my face. I miss her.

wtf?!

2012-01-06T22:56:00.001-06:00

Haven't seen the Courier since Christmas day. Yesterday many hours were spent texting. Vanilla stuff but hours upon hours. Tonight a mutual friend (who has no idea of what has transpired) casually mentions the Courier has been dating a girl for almost a year now. Speechless. Talk among yourselves.

looking back, looking forward

2011-12-28T09:47:00.000-06:00

I love FutureMe. Exactly a year later, my letter from 27 December 2010 showed up in my in-box yesterday. I suppose it is my resolutions, my time capsule of sorts. Sometimes I am surprised by the things I truly knew back then, if only I acted on that knowledge sooner. Hope springs eternal, right? What will I write to myself for next year? ** *** ** *** ** *** ** ***27 Dec 2010 Dear FutureMe, I

lovely christmas

2011-12-26T12:26:00.000-06:00

For once I had a lovely Christmas. As I always dread holidays, I have come to enjoy my freedom down here in Austin to celebrate as my heart sees fit. Whether I want to be with friends or stay home on my couch - it is my call. I love that freedom. Yesterday morning was spent cooking and then heading over to share brunch with a few of the girls. It was lighthearted and filled with mimosa and

another wonderful night

2011-12-23T13:43:00.001-06:00

Last night I shared yet another wonderful evening with The Courier. We had a glass of wine before leaving for the party. He told me I looked beautiful, my dress was great. It was wonderful to hear the sincerity in his voice. Heading to the party, we laughed about the fact that neither of us remembers the whole evening from the last party. To avoid a repeat, we'd both made a point of eating prior

new perspectives

2011-12-19T13:29:00.000-06:00

Last week, I, the non-baker, participated in a marathon Christmas cookie baking session. Surprisingly, my overall neglected kitchen skills came back quickly. In fact, I was one of the more experienced, which I find down right shocking. Hours upon hours of baking resulted in the hostess sending me home with cookies specifically for The Courier. I relayed this to The Courier and didn't get much of

bittersweet birthday

2011-12-15T09:26:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday, Lulu. My dear little girl. Today I celebrate that your sweet, gentle soul came into this world ten years ago. * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * i carry your heart with me by e e cummings i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your

dead to him

2011-12-13T04:00:00.001-06:00

Ah, we must discuss the ridiculousness of last night's conversation with Super Dad. So I found out from a friend on Sunday that my "date" and I were a little kissy at the party. I am half surprised but yet half not because we all know Patsy without food and plenty of liquor can lead to things. Clearly others cannot laugh about some innocent drunk kissing. So I called Super Dad last night

week four

2011-12-12T18:00:00.038-06:00

Today marks four weeks since Lulu left. I am amazed at how quickly time is marching forward and how much I want time to reverse... back to the days of... Lulu waking me up at 3:30 AM to go to the bathroom going on our runs putting herself to bed but coming out to check on me, asking me but more often than not demanding I come to bed too tossing her stuffed animals down the cement floor so she

popping up on the radar

2011-12-12T10:05:00.000-06:00

I swear the man has radar! Without fail, each and every time I am happy or there is new male prospect, he miraculously resurrects and promptly dials my number. Then he proceeds to talk at great length even though he regularly says he dislikes speaking on the phone. It is none other than The Southern Gentleman who applied his mad Patsy sonar skills yesterday. Before I would have been over the

the best laid plans

2011-12-09T13:00:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been eventful around here. For one thing, I did not cry about Lulu yesterday. While that was a huge milestone for me, my Lulu was sidestepped by the events of Wednesday that bled into yesterday. I had a holiday party to attend and was dreading it. When I spoke to Super Dad about it, he told me to ask one of my male friends to go with me (remember this key point). I thought

a tale of a tail

2011-12-05T23:10:00.002-06:00

"Just because you're hurt doesn't mean you're broken." My lesson for this evening: one should not watch A Dolphin's Tale while mourning a three-legged greyhound girl. Naively thinking a "feel-good" Disney movie would be the cure to my three week post-Lulu departure blues, I was blatantly slapped in the face with our situation. As I watched the movie unfold, my internal tape kept playing "this

princess birthday party

2011-12-04T22:18:00.001-06:00

Mid-October when Lulu was doing better I decided that I would commit to a birthday party for her. We would celebrate her courage and bravery as she marked her tenth year. It was a big, important birthday, so I send out evites for today. Sadly, today we still celebrated but our birthday hound was not physically here. Today, I remembered Lulu with her favorite aunties. It felt odd not to be

week two

2011-11-28T14:34:00.004-06:00

I mourn for my little girl. I mourn for my Lulu each and every day. Today, Monday marks two weeks at shortly before 6 PM that my little girl left me. It is not getting easier. Sundays and Mondays are the worst because I can put time stamps on the day. Markers of our last moments together, decisions made, savoring the precious fleeting time. Lulu's dog beds have quickly lost her scent. My heart

hoot

2011-11-22T22:31:00.000-06:00

Somehow I have survived a week without my little girl. Floods of tears. Despair. Loneliness. Emptiness. Those same feelings have been countered by gratitude for having such a precious angel in my life, realizations that she was my joy, resolute knowing everything happened as it should. Right now there is an owl outside my kitchen door. His hooting is distracting me. He is being constant in

three days

2011-11-17T21:59:00.000-06:00

Mourning and grief are strange bedfellows. I never know when an extreme crying jag will strike. Awaiting what minute every day detail that once only resided in the background will spark a memory: cue the water works. Today as I crawled onto Lulu's day bed, I finally noticed the bed was filled with her scent. I laid there with my body curled in a ball but my nose was firmed planted in Lu's

my amazing grace, otherwise known as lulu

2011-11-15T22:58:00.002-06:00

On Tuesday August 23, my little Lulu broke her leg shortly after 7 PM. Tonight, a Tuesday exactly twelve weeks later, I sit in an empty house. No rustling of the noisy dog collar so I'd know her location. No long nose tapping on the handle of the back door to be let outside. No sounds of greyhound nails tapping on the cement floors. No blue brindle voyeur keeping tabs on me while I am in the

anything but an amusement park

2011-11-13T10:02:00.000-06:00

I am not going to lie. These days life around here is hard. The ups and downs are extreme. Trying to stay strong for Lulu is damn hard. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have to leave for a short while to drive so I can cry in the car. Lulu responded so well to Monday's chemo. But last night, she whimpered in pain, so I gave her an additional pain pill. I simply keep trying to spoil

learning to live in the now

2011-11-05T16:21:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since our last Lulu update. Ms. Lulu and I have been getting into our groove. She has been doing good,alert, playing again, trying to run... I say trying because Lulu would run but I am still making her take it slow. I think "slow" is her most dreaded word now. Monday we had our internal medicine vet checkup. Everything, in terms of the surgeries is looking good. Awhile

change of plans

2011-10-30T13:30:00.000-05:00

As I watch Lulu peacefully sleeping, I think about the months long plans for today. This morning I was supposed to get on a plane bound for New York, then on to Delhi reaching my final destination in Colombo, Sri Lanka. After eight days seeing all there is to see and experience in Sri Lanka, I would head back to India to explore the country's southern half for a few weeks. I would completely

nine years ago today

2011-10-26T21:16:00.000-05:00

This morning as I looked at the calendar, I had a nagging feeling trying to remember why 10/26 felt like a day I should remember. Nothing came to my coffee deprived brain and physically sore body. Later in the morning as I literally stared into the calendar trying desperately to remember the importance of today, the lightening bolt finally struck. October 26th. The day I got married. Nine long

conflicted

2011-10-23T22:20:00.000-05:00

Let's walk back in time, about four years ago. Remember how thrilled I was to be down here. How I was so sure this place, Austin was where I was meant to be. Sadly, that feeling, that powerful feeling of knowing has left. In fact, I have become very restless. For some time now, I have been overcome by an intense feeling that my time here is done. With each passing week, that feeling is amplified

leaps and bounds

2011-10-15T11:41:00.001-05:00

Lulu is making great progress! On Tuesday, we had an appointment with her internal medicine doc. The appointment was filled with great news! The doc was thrilled and amazed at her progress. No further surgery required at this time! Yippee! No exploratory surgery! Finishing up pills to get to the point where Lulu will only be on one super heavy duty antibiotic. She gained two pounds in a week!

the sun is peeking through

2011-10-05T22:11:00.000-05:00

I am ever so exhausted on all levels. Finally, I feel that I can breath because Lulu had a good check up at the internal medicine doc's. While I felt I was seeing great progress, I felt so much better when all the doctors and staff's comments mirrored my own. She is better. Lulu is an amazing little girl. We have finally turned the corner and are on the road to recovery.

2011-10-03T14:58:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow marks week six. An anniversary of sorts around here. Six weeks since our lives changed in a brief second when Lulu broke her leg. During my terror of a Sunday, Lulu had responded well to treatment and was showing signs of improvement on Monday morning. Last Wednesday, Lulu was released from ICU. A very happy day. While she was very, very thin, Lulu was finally home with me. Friday

Prayers Desperately Needed

2011-09-25T12:54:00.000-05:00

The past five weeks have been an utter nightmare. On a plain old Tuesday night, I got home from work. Let Lulu out and within moments I heard her scream. I remember thinking that Lulu took off out the door quicker than usual. She was a greyhound at top speed. She broke her leg. Not a clean break, but shattered the bone. After a 6 hour surgery, she had a shiny new metal plate and screws in

you and i collide

2011-07-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

Thursday night, I returned from my run with the pup to learn I'd missed a phone call from The Southern Gentleman. During our last conversation a month or so before, he'd been a little cagey venting about the careless actions of someone he knew. I had surmised the vagueness equaled a girlfriend. This phone call revealed that the previous story indeed was about a girlfriend. Why should that upset

it's getting hot in here

2011-07-02T10:50:00.000-05:00

The heat is stifling down here. Daily it hits a minimum 100 degrees. Throw in humidity and the resulting heat index pushes the temperature over the top. I can happily do the dry heat of Arizona, but this humidity-driven heat drains me. Leaving the house and my protective air conditioning bubble does not sound appealing. The conditions down here never bothered me as much in past years. I think

lost and found

2011-06-29T19:04:00.000-05:00

I sit here amazed that half of 2011 is over. Simultaneously amazed and disappointed because I don't feel like I have done much thus far. I feel like I have lost a lot of my mojo in the following ways: Work is tiring; tiring because it feels as though I cannot get anything accomplished. I completely changed my eating - went clean and lost the stubborn bad marriage weight once and for all. Amen

quick update

2011-04-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

before i run out the door for the day, just a quick update on super dad. after a week and a half of silence, i finally heard from him. he was in the hospital. the entire time.

the leopard shows his spots

2011-04-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

yesterday served as a marker. it has been exactly a week since i last spoke with super dad. last thursday there was only an exchange of voicemail. the following day was complete and utter radio silence. i have called and left messages on both his home and mobile phones to no avail. since the voicemail boxes are not full, he is checking messages. just not returning my calls. disappointed

click your heels three times

2011-04-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

My acupuncture treatments have made a huge difference in how I am feeling. The veil of depression has lifted. However, what is left behind still doesn't help me a whole lot. I am clear thinking, clear feeling, and both of those aspects are telling me that I am done in Austin. My passion is gone. I have learned what I needed to learn from the city. The time has come to find a new adventure. I

how do you feel about me?

2011-04-05T10:04:00.001-05:00

As I was cleaning out purses to donate, I stumbled upon a note from a boyfriend of long ago.... "I am a little confused about us. Are we going out? Just friends? I know we're friends, but what do you want? This girl invited back to her place for a drink last night after class, but I declined. I really like you, but I don't know how you feel about me. I know sending an e-mail isn't exactly the

from a year to eternity

2011-03-21T11:12:00.000-05:00

By 10:30 this morning, I had it with this place. For the entire week. I am so tired of feeling powerless, un-respected, tired of being beat up because everyone shoots the messenger even if she is in a nice dress... I know I need to stop caring. But that do-gooder in me can't be turned off that easily. I am frustrated and tired and a year seems like an awful long way away. Lulu has gotten

test and dev environment

2011-03-15T08:16:00.001-05:00

I missed Super Dad terribly when he left Texas last May. But since he came and went a few short weeks ago, I miss him even more. Contrary to my typical behavior pattern, I have freely told Super Dad that I miss him. No holding back, no games, no fear; just like my martinis: straight up. Long ago, Super Dad coined a term for being under my spell; he calls it being "patsyized". So below is a

flying into love

2011-03-11T06:00:00.003-06:00

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt...if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard." Compliments of Douglas Adams' The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy..

buzzing forward

2011-03-10T08:15:00.000-06:00

I am shocked how quickly this week has buzzed by. This time last week I was excitedly awaiting Friday and Super Dad's arrival. Now, in the blink of an eye, a whole week has passed. Time keeps moving forward. The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is

Return of Super Dad

2011-03-07T19:48:00.000-06:00