Today's mini-project - remove the wallpaper border in the kitchen.
Armed with my mixture of water and fabric softener, I thought it would be a slam dunk. Easier than the easy removal of the family room. So much for those thoughts. It has been an absolute bitch getting it off. I have given up for the evening and so far the wallpaper is winning - damn!
Tomorrow the wallpaper border will be but a memory. I will defeat it. It will be a sneak attack after the gym!
Oh yeah - I was at the gym by 9 am this morning. Why? Because I slept excellently again last night; waking at 6:50 AM bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thank you very much acupuncture!
Another day of no tears. A few times I felt sad but no tears came flowing out of my ocular region. It is such a different state of being and I am liking it.
I am heading to trivia tonight with some friends as part of my birthday celebration. Not quite my idea of birthday fun but it will still be fun. Hopefully I will have a few tales to tell in the morning.
11 November 2006
10 November 2006
No More Tears Formula
Tonight I saw Borat. It was great fun. The theatre was empty - maybe ten of us total. Would have been more fun if there had been more people to laugh with me.
The laundry from the past month and a half is done. One of the joys of working from home is the fact that I can get the laundry done during the day.
Today has been odd - absolutely no tears. It feels as if all my tears have simply dried up. Things that I would have normally cried at - absolutely nothing today. My eyes feel dry - I can't quite explain it. After months of tears - poof! - today none. It is odd but I am not complaining.
Tomorrow is birthday lunch down in Cherry Creek. There is also a psychic fair. I may go - there is a palm reader I have wanted to see. I haven't quite made up my mind as to whether to go. I will sleep on it.
I also plan on painting this weekend. Finish up the few rooms I have left. Start hanging things. Further re-arrange furniture. I really want to concentrate on finishing up my projects.
MM did not call today. I sent a text message letting him know I was not ignoring him when he pinged - that I was at the acupuncturist. I felt that I needed to do that.
I am tired. It has been a long week. I am planning on hitting the gym in the morning. Burn off those final pounds. I am in the home stretch and must make it to the finish line.
Long live Wild Turkey American Honey!
The laundry from the past month and a half is done. One of the joys of working from home is the fact that I can get the laundry done during the day.
Today has been odd - absolutely no tears. It feels as if all my tears have simply dried up. Things that I would have normally cried at - absolutely nothing today. My eyes feel dry - I can't quite explain it. After months of tears - poof! - today none. It is odd but I am not complaining.
Tomorrow is birthday lunch down in Cherry Creek. There is also a psychic fair. I may go - there is a palm reader I have wanted to see. I haven't quite made up my mind as to whether to go. I will sleep on it.
I also plan on painting this weekend. Finish up the few rooms I have left. Start hanging things. Further re-arrange furniture. I really want to concentrate on finishing up my projects.
MM did not call today. I sent a text message letting him know I was not ignoring him when he pinged - that I was at the acupuncturist. I felt that I needed to do that.
I am tired. It has been a long week. I am planning on hitting the gym in the morning. Burn off those final pounds. I am in the home stretch and must make it to the finish line.
Long live Wild Turkey American Honey!
My Hero is a Needle
Yesterday I went to my first acupuncture treatment. I was apprehensive - I mean, what can a few little needle piercing my flesh do? Other than hurt and possibly make me bleed a bit.
After a discussion of my problems, I was on my back on the bed table and the acupuncturist commenced to poking me. The fluffy bed and pillows could have been a scrumptious setting for a great sex session.
I only felt one of the needles go in. I felt tingling on my left side - particularly my left ankle and just below my rib cage on the left. I felt a slight headache come on with the three needles sticking out from the top of my head.
Overall, quite surreal. I felt so relaxed and continue to feel as such. I slept wonderfully last night - I have not slept like that in months. I don't feel like crying. In fact, my eyes feel quite dry this morning. The profound sadness I have carried around feels so much lighter. The calmness feels great. Peace.
My second session is Tuesday. To continue this feeling of serenity, I will happily go weekly for awhile. Healing is so amazing.
After a discussion of my problems, I was on my back on the bed table and the acupuncturist commenced to poking me. The fluffy bed and pillows could have been a scrumptious setting for a great sex session.
I only felt one of the needles go in. I felt tingling on my left side - particularly my left ankle and just below my rib cage on the left. I felt a slight headache come on with the three needles sticking out from the top of my head.
Overall, quite surreal. I felt so relaxed and continue to feel as such. I slept wonderfully last night - I have not slept like that in months. I don't feel like crying. In fact, my eyes feel quite dry this morning. The profound sadness I have carried around feels so much lighter. The calmness feels great. Peace.
My second session is Tuesday. To continue this feeling of serenity, I will happily go weekly for awhile. Healing is so amazing.
08 November 2006
Happy Birthday to me!
Today is my birthday - 32.
I don't feel that old. 35 always sounded ancient but I am one step closer.
Today has been a weird day. Positive. Negative. Finding myself pulled to both ends of the spectrum at any given moment.
Happy because I cruised around in the Benz wearing a fab dress. Happy when MM gave me the most wonderful hugs in the world, grabbed my bum, told me I looked great.
Then later MM gives me the "friends" routine. I am so sad. Our relationship is truly over. We are no longer stalled - we are done.
Sad because I never pictured myself at this point in my life being here. The aloneness is deafening today.
Happy because right now I am wearing my skinny jeans.
Happy because I have come so far in the past year, so far since my last two birthdays.
Sad due to a broken heart. While it has been broken for awhile, reality has arrived. Time for me to move on.
May this next year only be bigger and brighter than any that have come before!
I don't feel that old. 35 always sounded ancient but I am one step closer.
Today has been a weird day. Positive. Negative. Finding myself pulled to both ends of the spectrum at any given moment.
Happy because I cruised around in the Benz wearing a fab dress. Happy when MM gave me the most wonderful hugs in the world, grabbed my bum, told me I looked great.
Then later MM gives me the "friends" routine. I am so sad. Our relationship is truly over. We are no longer stalled - we are done.
Sad because I never pictured myself at this point in my life being here. The aloneness is deafening today.
Happy because right now I am wearing my skinny jeans.
Happy because I have come so far in the past year, so far since my last two birthdays.
Sad due to a broken heart. While it has been broken for awhile, reality has arrived. Time for me to move on.
May this next year only be bigger and brighter than any that have come before!
07 November 2006
Material Gyrl
trying on clothes has always been something i loved to my core. i loved my figure, could wear just about anything. wore things form fitting.
that all changed a few years back. i have never had a weight problem until after i got married. it was more than the fresh-married 15. it was depression, unhappiness, hollowness caused by a marriage that should have never been.
the weight problem got compounded by medication. i became fat. everything i never needed for my self-esteem. clothes were tight, then stopped fitting all together.
since returning from asia last fall, i have been losing the weight. recently, the weight loss has been very slow, but yet life changing. i am close to my old weight - the weight of fitted clothes and feeling like i am gaining my self back.
i have been trying on clothes i have not worn in four years. some fit, some don't. but it is progress and i am finally starting to actually see my new found thinner self.
i always love to dress up special on my birthday and with the big day rapidly approaching, i tried some items on. i found myself reveling in the fact that this time last year, i was no where near fitting into the majority of these things.
my bum is flatter. my legs look like the legs i used to know. seeing that - being able to truly see it - is liberating. it gives me hope that while i am making progress on the physical side, i am making baby steps on the emotional side too.
it has taken a year for the weight to come off, so the emotional healing will take awhile too. thirty-two is around the corner.
i am becoming whole again. my body is about healed, my mind is getting better, and soon my soul will be whole again. i can do this.
that all changed a few years back. i have never had a weight problem until after i got married. it was more than the fresh-married 15. it was depression, unhappiness, hollowness caused by a marriage that should have never been.
the weight problem got compounded by medication. i became fat. everything i never needed for my self-esteem. clothes were tight, then stopped fitting all together.
since returning from asia last fall, i have been losing the weight. recently, the weight loss has been very slow, but yet life changing. i am close to my old weight - the weight of fitted clothes and feeling like i am gaining my self back.
i have been trying on clothes i have not worn in four years. some fit, some don't. but it is progress and i am finally starting to actually see my new found thinner self.
i always love to dress up special on my birthday and with the big day rapidly approaching, i tried some items on. i found myself reveling in the fact that this time last year, i was no where near fitting into the majority of these things.
my bum is flatter. my legs look like the legs i used to know. seeing that - being able to truly see it - is liberating. it gives me hope that while i am making progress on the physical side, i am making baby steps on the emotional side too.
it has taken a year for the weight to come off, so the emotional healing will take awhile too. thirty-two is around the corner.
i am becoming whole again. my body is about healed, my mind is getting better, and soon my soul will be whole again. i can do this.
06 November 2006
Lost
I don't know how to feel.
The pit-of-my-stomach-gnawing has returned. Love. That. Feeling. Ahh, not so much.
Am I stupid? Naive?
Why can't I just walk away? Chalk it up to experience like I always have?
The answer - simple - love.
The belief - the feeling - the knowing - my heart found its home.
Prince Charming - I was so delighted our paths finally crossed.
Just when I think we are on the road to recovery. I get blindsided.
But maybe he doesn't love me any more.
Maybe none of us know what's going on.
The pit-of-my-stomach-gnawing has returned. Love. That. Feeling. Ahh, not so much.
Am I stupid? Naive?
Why can't I just walk away? Chalk it up to experience like I always have?
The answer - simple - love.
The belief - the feeling - the knowing - my heart found its home.
Prince Charming - I was so delighted our paths finally crossed.
Just when I think we are on the road to recovery. I get blindsided.
But maybe he doesn't love me any more.
Maybe none of us know what's going on.
Saturday and Sunday all wrapped up into one
Being a tour guide is a tough racket - we were all over the state for two days and I was so exhausted I promptly put myself to bed last night at 10 PM because could. not. keep. eyes. open. any. longer.
We were all over the state - up and down I-25 like the crazy people we are. But I think he had a nice time - at a minimum, he took a million photos.
Wine tasting on Friday night... hmmm. Well, I didn't find the people I was supposed to meet. So started tossing back vino on my own. The theme was South African wines. Overall, quite disappointed. I wouldn't buy any of them. I know better wines come out of SA than the cat piss he was serving. A few glasses into it, I spotted the event organizer but was too damn lazy to go over and join the peeps. I know, I know... that's not what I was supposed to do. But oh well.
Overall, drank way too much on Friday night. Found the Wild Turkey Honey liquor at the new Booze land. The 21-year old neighbor came over for a bit - hence indulging in the Wild Turkey madness. Did some drunken texting - but never received a response. Oh well!
Requirements gather I go! Monday madness continues!!
We were all over the state - up and down I-25 like the crazy people we are. But I think he had a nice time - at a minimum, he took a million photos.
Wine tasting on Friday night... hmmm. Well, I didn't find the people I was supposed to meet. So started tossing back vino on my own. The theme was South African wines. Overall, quite disappointed. I wouldn't buy any of them. I know better wines come out of SA than the cat piss he was serving. A few glasses into it, I spotted the event organizer but was too damn lazy to go over and join the peeps. I know, I know... that's not what I was supposed to do. But oh well.
Overall, drank way too much on Friday night. Found the Wild Turkey Honey liquor at the new Booze land. The 21-year old neighbor came over for a bit - hence indulging in the Wild Turkey madness. Did some drunken texting - but never received a response. Oh well!
Requirements gather I go! Monday madness continues!!
03 November 2006
Friday Blahs
A lot of time spent on the phone for work today. Somehow the nothing of it all makes one quite tired.
I have been waking up at 5 AM. Next week I start harnessing that by going to the gym! Tah-dah - burn those last five pounds off my bum! I will be hott for Christmas. My body is so close to being able to fit in all my clothes again - clothes, glorious clothes - that fit.
The natives are getting restless around here - feedings on a schedule are not agreeing with the hound girls. I just finished getting an earful from the skinny one who gets first dibbs on the chow.
I have a house guest coming for the weekend. Need to finish up the quick clean. I have our tour route figured out - so that right there was half the battle. Must go clean the shower though, change table linens, and do a quick dust.
Tonight I am heading to a wine tasting. Be friendly, meet new people.
Hopefully there will be good stories to tell from tonight and throughout the weekend as tour guide extraordinaire!
I have been waking up at 5 AM. Next week I start harnessing that by going to the gym! Tah-dah - burn those last five pounds off my bum! I will be hott for Christmas. My body is so close to being able to fit in all my clothes again - clothes, glorious clothes - that fit.
The natives are getting restless around here - feedings on a schedule are not agreeing with the hound girls. I just finished getting an earful from the skinny one who gets first dibbs on the chow.
I have a house guest coming for the weekend. Need to finish up the quick clean. I have our tour route figured out - so that right there was half the battle. Must go clean the shower though, change table linens, and do a quick dust.
Tonight I am heading to a wine tasting. Be friendly, meet new people.
Hopefully there will be good stories to tell from tonight and throughout the weekend as tour guide extraordinaire!
02 November 2006
Don't Worry, Be Happy!
Today - second interview day - big day.
Interview went less than thrilling. In fact since I hung up the phone, I am quite depressed. It did not go well. I don't think he liked my answers. I don't feel he liked me nor thought myself capable even though I stated otherwise. At the end, I got myself into the cocky consultant state of mind and ended it with lots of positive, sure of myself and my ability.
But then again, he is an old geezer who thinks he walks on water. My "this is a sure thing" vibe has waned.
With this dreadful interview behind me now, I have to full throw myself into the realm of kicking ass on my current project. Have to start settling into reality more and a little less with my eye on the dream. Don't get me wrong - I will still have an eyeball on the prize, but need to apply myself to the current work at hand because I may be here for awhile longer after all.
Let's hope deliverables save the day!
My bubble burst though. Distorted thinking, negative thoughts - out, out damn spot - out of my head. Today I cried for the first time in a week and a half. But I cannot dwell in this. Need to use the tools my therapist has given me. In the interview, I tried my best. I cannot read the man's mind. I cannot assume what he thinks. This is not the end of the world. I cannot blame myself, I cannot take it personally. I tried - gave it my best shot - and I must be content with that. No more beating myself up. That half hour conversation does not define me or destroy me. Either way, life goes on. And I have to continue on my ride. No more roadblocks or stale red lights. Always moving forward, not dwelling in the past. No longer a prisoner to the negative and distorted.
The life I embrace now - live with no regrets, know I tried and be happy with that. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I cannot worry about it.
Don't worry, be happy!
Interview went less than thrilling. In fact since I hung up the phone, I am quite depressed. It did not go well. I don't think he liked my answers. I don't feel he liked me nor thought myself capable even though I stated otherwise. At the end, I got myself into the cocky consultant state of mind and ended it with lots of positive, sure of myself and my ability.
But then again, he is an old geezer who thinks he walks on water. My "this is a sure thing" vibe has waned.
With this dreadful interview behind me now, I have to full throw myself into the realm of kicking ass on my current project. Have to start settling into reality more and a little less with my eye on the dream. Don't get me wrong - I will still have an eyeball on the prize, but need to apply myself to the current work at hand because I may be here for awhile longer after all.
Let's hope deliverables save the day!
My bubble burst though. Distorted thinking, negative thoughts - out, out damn spot - out of my head. Today I cried for the first time in a week and a half. But I cannot dwell in this. Need to use the tools my therapist has given me. In the interview, I tried my best. I cannot read the man's mind. I cannot assume what he thinks. This is not the end of the world. I cannot blame myself, I cannot take it personally. I tried - gave it my best shot - and I must be content with that. No more beating myself up. That half hour conversation does not define me or destroy me. Either way, life goes on. And I have to continue on my ride. No more roadblocks or stale red lights. Always moving forward, not dwelling in the past. No longer a prisoner to the negative and distorted.
The life I embrace now - live with no regrets, know I tried and be happy with that. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I cannot worry about it.
Don't worry, be happy!
01 November 2006
November is Here!
Here begins my journey into NaBloPoMo.
The main painting project is complete. My house is officially beige... I live in a beige house... oh the tragedy... the humanity... but I am really loving the colorlessness of it all. I am now officially in my monochromatic house phase. Still have about 2 gallons of paint left, so the lime green & lilac room is next to go!
Next project, determine where to make new and exciting nail holes in my walls to hang all my various junk. Ah, the hammer and nails makes my heart sing!
Of course, the bathroom is still incomplete. Must find motivation for laying tile. Must. Must.
In other items, MM is calling again. I think we are on the road to relationship healing. He invited me over for dinner on Saturday with the girls. It was absolutely marvelous being greeted at the door with excited screams and huge running, leaping hugs. My heart simply sang.
Looks like I will have the girls on Thursday evening, while MM works on closing a deal. I am looking forward to it. I have missed those two little peeps and I know they have missed me too.
On Saturday night, I felt a completeness I haven't felt in a long time. The four of us eating, watching tv, being together - nothing exciting - but an overwhelming sense of knowing, belonging.
The main painting project is complete. My house is officially beige... I live in a beige house... oh the tragedy... the humanity... but I am really loving the colorlessness of it all. I am now officially in my monochromatic house phase. Still have about 2 gallons of paint left, so the lime green & lilac room is next to go!
Next project, determine where to make new and exciting nail holes in my walls to hang all my various junk. Ah, the hammer and nails makes my heart sing!
Of course, the bathroom is still incomplete. Must find motivation for laying tile. Must. Must.
In other items, MM is calling again. I think we are on the road to relationship healing. He invited me over for dinner on Saturday with the girls. It was absolutely marvelous being greeted at the door with excited screams and huge running, leaping hugs. My heart simply sang.
Looks like I will have the girls on Thursday evening, while MM works on closing a deal. I am looking forward to it. I have missed those two little peeps and I know they have missed me too.
On Saturday night, I felt a completeness I haven't felt in a long time. The four of us eating, watching tv, being together - nothing exciting - but an overwhelming sense of knowing, belonging.
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