Hope Rises

I absolutely adore my therapist! For the first time ever in the history of trying to seek healing through a head shrinker, I finally found one who gets me and wants to work together to make me whole and healthy. Oh happy day!

Our weekly meeting was refreshing. After completing my homework last Friday - an afternoon fraught with tears, realizations, breakthroughs - I gained a lot of insight into myself and the situations I find myself in. I did not realize how angry and resentful I was toward my mum. How much I personalized the negative in MM's life as being my fault. And then to think about it realistically rather than distorted was simply eye opening. In one dull Friday afternoon with a straight-forward assignment and an honest heart, I felt the veil begin to lift.

My therapist and I discussed the assignment at great length - I had gotten the point of the assignment and even reported I caught myself in the distorted thinking patterns and did not let the pattern continue, to take me down it's twisted path. The more I spoke with her, the veil lifted a bit more.

No, I am not cured after two visits. Just because I did not cry in her office this time does not mean I am fixed. Yes, I understand it but applying it and making it my new way of life will take time, take practice. But I am feeling better. There is hope again.

When our session was over, my therapist hugged me and told me she was proud of me. A therapist hugging? I felt truly blessed because I now know without a doubt I found the person to help me through my mine field of depression.

Old Billy S. Had It Right - To Thine Own Self Be True

So Saturday came and went without a word from MM. I even called, leaving a message - no response. Putting into motion the few insights I had gained from doing my homework from the therapist - I kept stopping jumping to conclusions. Accept - no more mind reading.

I told myself I found my closure through my soul searching, through my writing. And that was enough.

The phone rings Sunday morning. It is MM. Calling to come over. He did not forget about it, he did not brush me aside. Luckily I was dressed and ready to head to Lowe's. He'd be at my place in 20 minutes. Lowe's would have to wait.

He came when he said he would. He was here. I was ready, he was too. We caught up on life. The myriad of challenges that seem to run amuck in our lives. The cosmically inclined part of me seeing, feeling how intertwined we are. We started talking about us - not formally but I was speaking from my heart. I told him about being in denial about the depression - using his hot button subject when I was afraid - spoke about my fears - spoke about my happiness with him. Then spoke to what I had mediated on, spoke to the dogs about - the soul searching I had written as to not forget anything - because this was so important, I could not forget anything. No regrets allowed.

MM understood. MM listened with an open heart. When I was done, there was a change in his demeanor; an air of the familiar, relaxed. He said he loves me but friends first, get things straightened out. That love is still there within him. There are still mountains to climb but it turned out differently than anticipated.

No, we are not together again - life doesn't happen like that. But we have understanding. That is important. I know now within his heart that he has not given up on me. But the problems of the world are not yet solved either.

I felt the weight, the suffocating weight lift after I bared my soul. I felt peace that had been MIA for quite some time. I had no regrets. I felt myself grow a bit, felt a bit more being my true self. That was a huge bright moment - especially for the fog of darkness I have been dwelling in.

Hanging clean laundry to dry on my headboard and footboard, MM brought up my weight issues as he had my chubby tankini in his hands. He told me that I do not need to hide under it. I showed him my favorite bikini ever and said it would fit again soon. MM forced me to try it on. I did - and much to my surprise, it fit. He asked me where I felt fat - I was honest and showed him. He now understands the distorted image I see.

There in my bedroom, in my favorite bikini, MM kissed me. We kissed ever so passionately. Kissing with an unparalleled level of sensuality. He picked me up - and for the first time ever, I let him. And I shared that fact with him. So he lifted me up again. We got even more friendly. Up against my bedroom wall was the location of choice - yet another dream come true for this Gyrl. However, that dream is still awaiting fulfillment though for another time. The important thing is that up there I was doing what I wanted - not anyone else - the only people in that room were MM and I - and that was liberating - the rule book gone - the shoulds out the window - embracing life and following my heart were in that room and it was great.

In being true to myself and true to MM, I found freedom on a Sunday afternoon. There is only one person responsible for my life, my happiness, my experiences and that is me. The only opinion to matter is mine, the decisions to make are mine. I will live with the consequences. I will learn from the bad and the good. But living from the position of truth rather than fear is phenomenal! It is my position of choice.

Too Late

Tomorrow is a big day. I get my hair highlighted and cut. I also am going to speak with MM.

Going to lay out all the things that have been going through my head, my heart, my soul.

Taking a risk sharing. Knowing I will be rejected. I figured things out too late. Came to terms with my depression too late. Sought help too late to save what MM and I had. But I am going to tell him any way. I am telling him. Looking him in the eye and sharing, revealing - being vulnerable knowing answers do not come in the packages we ask for or expect.

Figuring out where I derailed was therapy enough; baring it to him will be therapy and learning, risk taking. Placing the remains of my torn heart on a platter for him and for me.

It's not going to be easy. Just thinking about it, my stomach starts to quiver.

He has told me he doesn't trust me. So I do I expect him to believe what I share? No. But are my words true and from my very core? Yes. Definitely. Yes.

Tomorrow is about him and me. No one else. No one else's beliefs, perceptions, ideals. Only us. I will be speaking from my heart. I will be listening from my heart.

I know I will cry. As my emotion is so strong, I don't see a way around it. But it is okay to cry. Emotion, feeling is okay.

Am I scared? Yes. Easier typed than executed. But I have to do this - for him and for me. I have faced some of my demons. Tomorrow I share some of my demons and in that sharing I will be facing one of my big demons as well.

Wish me luck. The healing has begun. Here's to progress in whatever form it takes.

Lonely

Last night, MM called at a quarter til 11. To check on me.

He called last week at 2 AM. He was apprehensive whether I would talk to him or not last week. He was apprehensive again last night. I could hear it in his voice.

We spoke briefly. It was almost like nothing happened.

This morning he apologizes for calling last night. He was lonely. He tells me thanks for not telling him to go to hell last night.

Maybe each of us needs to work through our issues. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe not. Maybe I just need to let go.

It's hard because I feel there is something bigger driving me, driving him, driving us.

Maybe my heart is in the driver's seat this time. I guess only time will tell.

a kiss is just a kiss...

Yesterday was a big rainstorm. Too many tears. A river of tears in raging torrents. Uncontrollable.

I reached out to MM because he understands this feeling. And I needed empathy desperately. I needed the support. He was the only one who could give it to me.

I asked. He came over. A little awkwardness as neither of us knows how to proceed on this road called "just friends." My hound girls were so happy to see him. The G-hound was ecstatic. She couldn't get enough of MM.

I showed him the changes I made around the house. The results of my weekend cleaning frenzy and subsequent wallpaper removal.

He had to go to the airport to catch an evening flight. He embraced me, hugged me the way I needed. To feel the warmth of human kindness. Something so small but something I so desperately needed in the hole of darkness.

In our embrace, his hands wandered down to my bum. However, no hanky panky ensued.

Then at the front door, he hugged me again. Held me in his arms, comforting me. He kissed me. He kissed me again and again there at the front door. We parted ways.

A little later I received a phone call and a text message stating he was sorry he kissed me. That is what happens after I see him these days - a recanting of the transpired events. I told him not to worry as I understand things are over between us. Even though I wish it weren't done, I know his heart is closed to me. Coming to terms with that is the key.

Change is Afoot

** Advanced Warning - - Stream of Consciousness in Full Swing **

Earlier this week, I decided that 85% international travel is my choice. I want... no, I need to seize this opportunity. I know deep within my heart that I will regret not snatching up this chance.

As a result, the interview went very well. I am excited. I will be free of my home office prison, grow stronger, be part of the group's development, see the world. I will be forced to go beyond my comfort zone to make the most of this experience.

Now, I just wait to hear the infamous words - "you're hired"

MM. He called me at 2 AM this week after a night out when he was out of town... a little drunk. It was like old times. My heart is torn. Not so easy to walk away from someone you love.

His birthday is this weekend. I sent the cards I had. Of course, he got the card from the hound girls written with my left hand to look like a child's handwriting. I made a cake. I've never been much of a baker. But for MM, I bake his favorite. I used the Pampered Chef cake decorating stuff I bought for MM and the girls. The decoration didn't look very good - but I tried. I never led anyone to believe I was Betty Crocker.

I believe birthdays are special. I always try to do a lot for a loved one's birthday. I do it because it makes me happy and I feel it is important for the birthday girl/boy to feel special on her/his day. I sing into voicemail. I send cards. I decorate offices. Even though things are bad with MM, I still needed to try to make his day special because that is me. I could not ignore his birthday.

The depression continues to be in full swing. I need to learn how to deal with it - without medication. It is called therapy. And I made the call this week to try a new therapist. This time I cannot stop until I find someone I can trust and work with. Of course, if I am gone regularly, there is a problem but I will find a way to make it work. I have got to work through all this bullshit. The pattern stops now. The misery stops now. Healthy begins on Tuesday with my first appointment. I made the phone call. I need to get better. I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling hopeless. I am tired of the sadness. No more crying. Healthy - that is what I am striving for. Even though, right now I feel like a loser. a big fat loser.

Right now I would love to share my happiness at the prospect of this new opportunity, but again people are acting weird. No one can be happy for me. More mean words about the Mercedes again today. Why are the people who are supposed to be my supporters so damn negative about the positive things in my life?! I think I will keep the therapist busy for awhile with these issues alone.

Only one person was positive and told me congrats and good job - that person is - MM.

At least this kept the tears away for a bit. I never wanted to see this black hole again but here I am. I was in denial about it sneaking up on me for a long time. My denial of the depression drove MM away. I so regret fucking things up with MM. Regret like I have never felt before. I need to work on this in therapy too. I never want to feel regret like this again. I never want to fuck up like this again.

I opened up to a few people this week about my pain. Asking for help - asking for someone to listen - sharing my feelings - It is something I don't know how to do but I tried this week. I had to try because what I have been doing is not working and the black hole is growing.

In other things going on - I only have 5 pounds left to lose. I fit in some of my old pants! Rock on! I am looking thin again.

Of course, I will call and sing my Marilyn Monroe happy birthday mr. president rendition. Because he was kind to me. Because I love him. Because that is just who I am.

Today is an overwhelming sad day. I don't know why. It is just one of those days.

My life is empty. I feel so sad. MM did not return my phone call. It is over. I didn't think it would be.... Naively I thought the "month break" would result in some grand reunion. Instead, it is over. Although he pinged me the other day, he did return my phone call today. The man I have spoken to a million times a day for months is now M.I.A. That is a sure sign to this girl that things are over.

Why I am so sad about a man who can walk away from me so easily? Because I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and all my soul. I loved him. More than I ever loved my ex-husband. I loved him.

We had a future together - dreams and plans. I believed him. Every step of the way, I believed him. I trusted him. I wanted the future he offered me. We were going to build a life together - a wonderful life...

and the dream has died...

and I am sad. very sad.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Sure is funny how now that MM has removed himself from the picture, everyone has an opinion. Who says "he never loved you," "he never cared about you," "he is a narcissist." Everyone wants me away from him and these were the same people who thought he was wonderful not too long ago.

Same as with the divorce. Everyone has an opinion but the opinions are not very valid because they never were one on one, they never walked in my shoes. It is so easy to say things from the outside looking in. But until you have done a lap in my heels, don't give me any mandates please.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

So to further complicate things, I had an interview this week. It is the first of three, if I chose to pursue the opportunity. However, before I go on to interview number two, I need to decide if I am willing to do the 85% travel that comes with the job. 85% international travel. My dream. A promotion. Most likely a raise.

Why am I even thinking twice about this? Because 85% international travel means minimal regular everyday life. Because I have to find a solution for the dogs that does not include getting rid of them. Because I would lead a life of solitude. again. I am not fond of solitude any more. Not since I got a taste of what love and a home life can be.

I know I am the only one who can make this decision. More soul searching. A lot more soul searching.

Holiday - Does a Body Good

more about my grand cruise adventure later

however, the high points:

it was extremely rejuvenating, refreshing and enlightening

i felt attractive and desirable again - something i have not felt in a long time. i did not feel like the fat cow - finally!

for the first time in my life, i danced and did not care about what i looked like or what anyone thought. that feeling was truly liberating and i am not going to lose it. never. ever.

laughing. i laughed a lot. has been quite some time since i laughed like that. it was good.

i returned home feeling alive. a feeling i had long forgotten. a feeling i am thrilled to have running through my veins again. and i am not letting go of it. never. ever.

I am a see saw

Watch me teeter.

What do I do?

I do not know what to do about MM.

Not so easy to cut bait.

What does my future hold? Is MM in my future? Am I in MM's future?

A lot of question marks.

But a lot of clarity too.

Just need to merge the two.

Maybe when MM and I talk after our "break" is over, then I will have clarity.

Call me if you need to bail someone out of jail

Tonight I sat poised in front of the television, eyes glued to the Dog the Bounty Hunter special about his recent arrest.

I watched as poor Beth lived through a roller coaster of emotion trying to glean any information, any assistance while her husband was in custody. At least Beth knows the system, she knows how it all works.

I sat there and a storm of emotion ran through me. I felt Beth's pain, her fear, her terror - it was palpable -I felt it in my chest, my heart. I know Beth's terror. I know how she felt. Because I lived through the same thing with MM.

MM and I had not spoken much before his arrest. I had made a brief appearance at his apartment to drop of Girlie Gyrl's birthday present. Short, sweet, I was outta there. That was Friday. I did not hear from him all weekend.

That Monday, I broke down and called him. The phone went directly into voicemail. That was odd. Very odd. Did not hear anything. I knew we were done. I had a little talk with myself on Tuesday morning, I was done with him. Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang. The caller ID read "CTY & CNTY BOULDER." I looked oddly at the phone wondering who it could be and pushed the talk button. In those few brief moments, I remember thinking "Why is Boulder County calling me?" Then the recorded voice came on stating that THIS WAS A COLLECT CALL FROM AN INMATE AT BOULDER COUNTY JAIL - insert voice stating "MM" - DO I ACCEPT THE CHARGES?

My heart stopped when I heard INMATE. JAIL. MM. I was a wreck. A million things running through my mind. I accepted the collect charges. There was MM's voice. I was still in shock. Trying to understand the concept of MM in prison. He explained what transpired. He had been in jail since Saturday night. He requested my phone number and just got it. The holiday had left him in there a day longer. Would I please pick him up from his court appointment at 2 PM today?

What do you say? To someone you love whole heartily, completely. Emotion flooding. Time stops. Fear. Terror. Those words can never convey the profound feeling. The fear laced his voice even though he was trying his hardest to hide it. My heart stopped from the minute I heard "inmate" and did not beat again until he had the ok to travel several days later. But when he asked me for help, all I could say is yes.

I had never experienced jail before. Sure there is the view that television gives you. But that is nothing. I went into survival mode much like Beth Chapman. I had to make calls I did not want to make. I had to work and rely on myself to get through uncharted territory.

I went to the jail. I did not know the protocol. There I am at the jail in my $200 jeans among the people society chooses to overlook. How do I handle it all? With style and finesse. I walk up to the receptionist and tell her I am there to pick someone up. She kinda of looks at me - I tell her "never done this before. new girl here" with a little giggle. She could tell I was a newbie the moment I walked in the door but I told her any way. It broke the ice, made me human to her. She told me he was in court and that I could sit through the proceedings if I locked all my worldly possessions in the lockers out front. Behind me I heard a male voice stating that he was the ex-wife's brother there to make a statement. My heart stopped. I hung low for a bit because I did not want the ex's brother to know of my existence or identity.

I went to place my purse and keys in the locker. A woman takes pity on me because I have selected the one locker that is broken. She knows I am a first timer. She knows I am afraid. She guides me through the process. A process she knows all too well because she is visiting an inmate. But she took me under her wing, a gentle hand to guide me through the process.

I waited until he went into the court room and then I went in about five minutes later. Law and Order? The television lies. There was bullet proof glass, tons of men and a handful of women in red jumpsuits. I quickly scanned where to sit in the three rows of church like pews. I see people in the far corner - the only caucasians - I will sit with them. Then before I can move, I hear "That's the girlfriend" coming from that same corner - those caucasians are the ex-wife, her mother and brother. My heart stops. I immediately sit up front with the non-English speaking Mexicans... in my $200 jeans. I crazily scan the red jump suits to find MM. There he is. This all feels so surreal. I cannot believe it is my life. He looks terrified. I am terrified. We make eye contact and I try my hardest to smile for him - to let him know I am there for him - he is not alone.

I look at the people who surround him. MM looks like a fish out of water. Surreal. Am I really experiencing this?

MM's name is called. He stands. My heart is still dead. I cannot believe what I am hearing. The ex-wife makes a statement and lies about him. My heart further sinks. But I put my heart out to him. I cannot believe what I am watching.

I continue to stay after he is done with the judge. None of the inmates can leave. They have to sit there and listen to everyone get arraigned. I stay there on the other side of the bullet proof glass - MM too is behind another layer of bullet proof glass - But I stay so that he is not alone. No matter how terrified I am, I stay. I do not want him to feel that he is alone - he is not alone in this nightmare.

As the afternoon wears on, the peanut gallery slowly clears but I remain steadfast in my silent pledge to stay with MM. Then the light goes on after overhearing the conversation of three women behind me that MM cannot put bail on his credit card and we are on our merry way. So I ask the officer for a little "bail for dummies 101."

I speed off to Longmont to get cash. I come back to find out there are hidden fees. I get in the queue to bail him out.

Finally the female officer calls his name. I go to meet her. I hand her the cash that I nervously pulled from the bank. While I am finalizing his paper work, man asks if I am there for MM. I say yes. He asks my name, so he can tell MM's father that he is bailed out. I am in a fog. I do not ask any questions but continue going through the paperwork to get MM out.

After the paper work is signed and the cash is in the law's hand, I sit and wait for MM. A long time passes, finally I see him walking toward the door.

A small sense of relief comes over me as we hug.

First we head to his apartment. He called his father. I overhear the father's loud voice telling MM over and over that he had better treat me good because not many women would have left him there.

MM confides in me that he is afraid and does not want to be alone. Of course, he can stay with me. I do my best to comfort him. We are both in shock. He tells me that he could see the terror in my eyes through the layers of bullet proof glass as I sat across from him - so close but yet so far through all those layers. His hands in handcuffs.

We find a lawyer. Make the appointment. Go to the appointment. Provide a loan. Get the truck out of impound. Get an ID. Lose a license. Find the bank account is dry. File motions.

It was a busy couple of days. Filled with Tension. Fear. Terror.

He told me that I was all he could think about in jail. I was the first and only phone number he asked for.

Watching The Dog the Bounty Hunter special brought all that back to the forefront tonight. We had bonded over that life altering experience. It was a defining moment in my character. Even though he had been heartless a few weeks before, I still could not leave him there in jail. My compassion over took me. My love for him ran deep.

MM and I made through that terrible time together. I thought we could make it through anything after that. ANYTHING. Guess I was wrong.