Learning: Risk without Fear

The whole MM filling out eHarmony is still bugging me. a lot. more so than it did yesterday.

It must be finality to it all. The fact that 17 January is a year he walked into my life. And that date is right around the corner.

I am torn between saying something and keeping quiet. I always stayed quiet with him and it wasn't a good thing. Maybe I should open my mouth. Speak from my heart. Take the chance on being rejected.

Is this a litmus test on his part? I keep telling myself that men are not that complicated - but MM always proved to be smarter than the average duck and behaved in some ways more like a woman.

Fear of rejection has cost me before. I have to risk without fear. Live fearlessly where men are concerned, where my heart is concerned. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Prepare for the worst, expect nothing.

The more I think about it, let the words fly forth from my fingers without processing, I feel that I should say something to him. Be honest, first and foremost.

I never said enough to him before. Maybe this is how I begin again. Regardless of his answer, I tell him the truth, I am honest with him and honest with myself about how I feeling; I share the vulnerable parts of me.

Mixed Emotions

I don't how I feel - today MM told me he signed up on eHarmony.

Part of me says that this life. We are done. Moving on is what happens. This is reality. Simple as that.

Then there is part of me that is sad. Disappointed because he is moving on. But I am too - I am going out and making new friends.

However, I feel this may be good for him to do because you don't meet someone like me every day. Maybe kissing some frogs is just what he needs.

Last week when my dear Breckenridge pal was here, she asked if MM and I would get back together. Breckenridge got me thinking about trying again and approaching MM on the subject. That's why the sting is a little deeper today.

I don't know.

2007 - Starting to suck already

Yesterday was ugly. So much for a bright sparkly new year. My Benz mechanic called. The original problem was much worse once they actually opened the car up. Much worse to the tune of 5k. Coronary. Massive. Motherfucker. Coronary.

So I called MM. Cried a bit. MM will help me sell it after it is fixed. I hope it sells itself easily, quickly and I can recoup the money I've spent on it thus far.

The Benz was my dream. I fucked the car up pretty damn good and expensively within a few short minutes. Sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated. Disappointed. The repairs cost money I do not have. To have a car like this requires more money than I ever anticipated. However, it was also purchased under the pretense of two incomes - MM and me - we'd be able to cover these items. Two is always better than one.

I had it for 6 months. Maybe that was all I was meant to have it. Maybe I need to find another dream.

A New Year - Shining and Bright

For every high in 2006, there was an evil twin of superior strength to counteract any of the happiness I enjoyed. However, in the face of the adversity, I experienced direct hand-to-hand combat with my key demons. I came out of battle victorious and that victory will ripple through the rest of my days here on earth. For that victory alone made all my moments of grief, sadness, and pure torture worth it all. In 2006, I found my true self - the most important aspects of myself lost for many years but reemerging stronger and brighter every day. For that alone, I am truly grateful.

I need for 2007 to be shining; hence, that is my goal above all goals.

Weight Loss and Maintenance - finish that up already. The fact that I bought size 8 jeans - yes - 8! - right before Christmas was spectacular. Size 10 is fitting again. I am so uber thrilled to be only 4 pounds away from my goal weight - my before the world melted down around me original weight I always was. I may just try to get down a little more than originally planned though. Just because I can. A skinny gyrl is a happy gyrl.

Establish new friendships; improve nourishing current friendships. I am getting better - like one million percent improvement - at talking to random strangers and getting the fuck out of the house after a long work day. My social life is beginning to bloom a bit. I will have a healthy social network before long.

Find work that makes me happy again. Feeling vital and productive is key. Burnout was a key theme for a good portion of 2006. I am over it. Time to move on and find something that makes my heart sing again. Key factors include advancement opportunities and getting the fuck out the house a bit more. Being thinner helps this immensely as I can fit in my suits again; hence, being in the public eye not evil anymore. I am done turning my wheels and life being nothing more than a template complete with uncooperative peeps.

Finish the house renovation project once and for all. I need to enjoy the house rather than curse it. I have made great strides and have only one big project remaining. The time has come to start enjoying the house and having peeps over. I am done slaving over it. Need to start living in it.

Embrace my independence. Enjoy being single. I have come to realize and accept that even at 32 and with all the amazing adventures I have had since high school/university, I still have a few big wild oats to go sow. Probably a year or two more of pure adventure and answering to no one is necessary so I don't regret it later. I have always sought to live a life less ordinary - snatching up those little bits and pieces is key.

As always, keep trying new and different things. Continue adding to my bag of tricks. Become more comfortable in being attractive and magnetic.

Of note: Congrats to Helen!

Graduation Day II

Yesterday, I went to my acupuncture appointment. Rolled my jeans up over my knees and assumed the position to receive my needle treatment. Relaxed into la-la land.

Afterwards, my Needle Gal told me that my pulses are strong and balanced; unlike when I first arrived at her office. She further informed me that I can make my next appointment when I need it - whether it is 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month, or hopefully never - just for tune ups.

I was so thrilled. Balance is what I sought, and I achieved it. I feel so wonderful because I took charge of my illness and found out how to beat it - for me. I found what works for me. I now know how to step in and stop the spiral.

Knowledge is so freeing. Knowing what is triggers me is key. Then being able to execute the next steps is just as key. Feeling whole again is sublime.

Graduation Day

Today was a day full of surprises. Today was a joyful day. While the door shut on me many months ago, today I found the window. I jumped out of that window and I stuck the landing.

This afternoon, I proceeded to the shrink's office with my little green notebook by my side - like always. The first wonderful surprise was that the stuck navigation CD magically ejected en route. Then for my appointment, we talked about my realizations, my epiphanies, my discoveries, my revelations, my new understandings, my new truths.

We delved further. We questioned and answered. Dialogue was wonderful - further solidifying my findings. Replacing the negative thoughts and learning to live by the new thinking was clear. Progress. Strides. Clear. Leaps. Bounds.

Shrink asked what was next. I told her I wanted to work on my severe commitment phobia. She stated that was merely a symptom of other deeper issues. Deeper issues I have explored, acknowledged, and am working toward making but a distant memory. Shrink believes my next relationship will not have the undertones of my past symptomatic deeper issues as a result. And you know what? I believe her. Breaking the pattern.

Shrink told me that I have reached the point where she can set me free. She'll still be available if I stumble. She knows I know the tools, she trusts that I will continue on the path of positive enlightenment. She has faith in me to continue living what we - she and I - worked so hard on. And I do too because I can't ever go back.

I was so happy that I cried. It was a lot of work. Going to a lot of places I didn't want to. It is amazing how scary your mind can be compared to a dark alley. But I made it. Sure, the work never stops, but the ugly stuff has been addressed.

I am proud of myself. And thrilled that I found the window and successfully jumped. Risks do pay off.

At Last!

Thanks to some tv commercial, Etta James' At Last! has taken up full time residence in my head for several days now. Playing over and over and over again.

"At last... my love has come along... my lonely days over... and life is like a song..."

Do we ever find that sweet spot Etta croons about? Or do we find the closest thing we can to that and call it a day?

"Ooh At last.. the skies above are blue... well my heart was wrapped up in clover... the night I looked at you..."

Days go by and I find myself contemplating this question. I understand perfection does not exist but at the same time is there someone, a few people that I could possibly find happiness with. I know that I have to find happiness on my own, but I am speaking of the Double Mint Twin happiness that two people share. The inside jokes, the small glances that mean something, things that only two people know. Does compromise kick off the entire notion of compromise in the relationship?

"I found a dream that I could speak to... a dream that I could call my own... I found a thrill to press my cheek to... a thrill that I have never known..."

Here I am at 32 and I have certainly kissed a lot of frogs. Where the fuck is my prince? When do I get my time in the sun? I still have growing up to do and certainly have growing old to do - and I want more than anything to do that with someone. I have learned how to live and live well on my own. I want to learn how to live and live well with someone.

"You smile... you smile... oh and then the spell was cast... and here we are in heaven for you are mine at last..."

I found two more gray hairs. Right in the front this time as if to mock me in the duo powers of reminding me that time is passing. I look at this life I've built - it is wonderful but it is also very lonely. I want to build a life with someone. I want a house filled with laughter again - I had that once and miss it ever so much.

"You are mine... you are mine... at last... at last... at last..."

I know I have work to do on myself. I know there are skeletons in my closet that must be sorted, acknowledged, and released. All that comes with time and I understand that. Patience, however, is not my forte. I want to be there now, but the journey is the bulk of the battle. And only then will I be able to say proudly with a loud voice, "At last!"

Falling off the wagon

Monday, Monday.

I fell off the wagon.

The no horizontal shenanigans with MM wagon.

This is new territory for me. I have never gone here before. Surprisingly, I do not feel bad about it. I do not feel like this is a way for us to get back together. I do not feel all warm and fuzzy and full of renewed hope. It happened and that's it. It was fun. I was so excited to fit into my cute little Victoria Secret goodies. I was thrilled to feel so sexy in my slimmer body.

Am I compromising my morals? It isn't like I am sleeping with numerous men. Just one man.

I think this is part of finding myself through the veil of "shoulds" I have had dictated to me for years.

My developing outlook - Every now and then, it is okay and perfectly acceptable to fall off the wagon.

The Shorts of Yesteryear

Yesterday my neighbors and any passers-by got an eye full of the crazy chick that has every leaf in the subdivision firmly planted on her front yard. That crazy chick would be me.

Picture it - cleaning the windows of the car on a day that is cool enough for a light jacket. Add to that jacket a gyrl with shorts and sandals on. Quite a sight for my conservative, family land neighborhood.

But the shorts I was wearing are the point of the story. I wore those shorts in high school. Those same shorts fit again! Yippee!

Two pounds away from my goal and five pounds away from my stretch goal! Life is good!

Carolinas Calling?

I spoke to Golf Champ today to verify when his television appearance would be. Golf Champ wants me to come out to the Carolinas at the end of December. Speaking to him brings back this flood of the unknown, feeling ever so cosmically linked. I left the Carolinas in late 4Q 2000 and we've always kept in touch. His marriage ended the exact day mine began. We've always, always been drawn to each other like powerful magnets - a strong, Herculean pull that cannot be denied.

I was hesitant to meet up for Thanksgiving. But what am I waiting for? Why am I hesitant? What's the worse that could happen? We remain friends - I would not complain or be disappointed. BUT I would know.

Things that make me hesitant:

1. This was the only man that I would have cheated on my ex-Leech with when I was married
2. This is the only man I kissed while I was married
3. I don't want to be faced with deciding whether or not we sleep together
4. I don't want to be left hanging while he goes and does his thing and I mine
5. He is my male sounding board

But, I have nothing to lose if I approach this as what it is - we are friends visiting. Nothing more, nothing less. This has nothing to do with MM and all to do with me.

Golf Champ and I worked together closely for a year. We were partners, a team, the dynamic duo of the bunch. The dynamic duo that was strongly attracted to each other but never acted upon those feelings.

Like I need anything else to ponder, but I will. I am thinking me in the Carolinas at the end of the month might be a good thing.