update

Live has been busy here in Adventureland.

At the beginning of June, I was relieved of the funemplpyment status. A position I applied for on a whim due to its close location turned into the everything-I-asked-for position. I love going there every day even though it is not easy or pretty - I simply love it and refer to it as "the happiest place on Earth," Disneyland. 

Things with Nelson and I have been over for some time now. There was never a break up to be pointed to; he merely stopped caring for sex, then stopping calling. I am not angry that it is over as I was starting to feel that I was with an older version of my ex-husband, The Leech. I am disappointed that he doesn't have the balls to tell me that he is done. 

As much as I try to convince myself that life here isn't bad, I continue to hate it here. Today the realization that I have no friends here hit hard. People here lack any warmth or concern. The utter aloneness I deal with on a daily basis is starting to take its toll. 

And things are that easy for me to simply declare, "pack the house up and head back to Austin". I realized in May that life in Austin isn't the same as it was when I lived there. I keep focus on what is laying around the next curve for me because quite frankly I cannot read tea leaves to discern what's next. I never fathomed Austin would be magical. I remain steadfast in my unwaivering faith that I am here in this dreadful place to learn a lesson, for something significant in my life to occur, something that I am cannot dream of. 

Any more I spend my days at work, head to the gym and hang out with the pups. A quiet monastical life.  

daily grind

No Bernard stories for y'all as he did not come out on Friday night. At least I looked cute and did enjoy myself regardless.

Work has been busier than usual, which has taken my mind away from such frivolous things as Bernard. Even though I am feeling an itty bit better about the day-to-day work activities, along comes an unnecessary sucker punch that full on reminds me that I must look for another job as of October 1st.

My runs have picked up lately. Clearly, this whole proper half marathon training thing has some form of validity to it. Strenuous activity 6 days a week for 15 weeks has taken a toll on my body recently. The pain doesn't seem to dissipate as quickly as it once did. Oddly, I wake up at 4:45 AM rather bright eyed and bushy tailed, which is truly sick for a non-morning person. Maybe that is changing.

Off to work out and there is a four mile run facing me in the dark hours of the morning.

Ta-ta for now! 

deep blue

This week I was fortunate to work in the southeast. Ah, the view from my hotel room is amazing as is the view from the office. I look out the window and see nothing but water. It is beautiful. I have always wanted to live by the sea. Always.

Even though Austin is land locked, the Colorado River runs through the middle of town, so I constantly received my fix of moving water. I loved that it was so accessible. I truly do miss not having that option so close.

Needless to say I planted myself by the window so I could soak in the endless blue. While the mountain view of home is nice, my soul resonates with the lapping of water.

when you're having fun

Fleeting. 

That is the only way I can describe the month of November. Feels like only yesterday it was Halloween and I was anticipating my birthday with great joy... and poof! now the month is virtually over. 

I spent my birthday in Austin surrounded by my wonderful friends. It was truly special. You see, the past three years I haven't celebrated my birthday. Two and three years ago, I was abroad in some exotic land for my birthday. Last year, Lulu was fighting bravely against cancer, so all I wanted was to spend every moment with her, my birthday forgotten because my love for Lulu was so greater. And so to get off the plane and head directly to a group of people who love me for who I am (flaws and all) made my 38th birthday amazing.

I still look at that number, 38, not realizing it is affixed to me now. Knocking on 40's door step. Thinking back to a time when I thought 40 was "old". I certainly don't physically feel old and remind myself regularly that I just ran a half marathon. I look at how much I blossomed in Austin and feel that I am finally comfortable in my skin, so the only was I can go is up! 

I cried a lot around my birthday too. Not for myself but because my dear Lulu left this earth just six days after my birthday last year. My poor darling baby girl. I still miss her so very much. I travel back in time to those roller coaster months and I find myself in awe. If I ever doubted the existence of God, those three months taught me more about the spiritual world than I ever believed possible. 

Now I try to focus on all the wonderful memories of Lulu. To be thankful every day that I had that beautiful little hound girl in my life for over eight years. Remembering the unwavering love we shared. 

While November has moved rapidly, it has been filled with goodness and healing. 

not the only one

The Halloween party was fun. Rather intimidating walking into a room full of people I hardly know dressed in my Jersey Shore Jwoww finery; being eyeballed by strangers is not something I tolerate well. However upon immediately spying a friend, I breathed a sigh of relief and she did too.

Met a few friendly people as the night wore on. In fact, two of which have true friend prospects. I need to make sure that I nurture those connections. 

Another gal was there who didn't know anyone. We met her upon her arrival, greeted her and spoke with her at length. Later in the evening she came up to me and reported that my friend and I were the only friendly people she met. She was a non-threatening plain Jane, the polar opposite of me, and even she could not easily break through the various cliques. At least my physical appearance was not my sole enemy; these people just aren't friendly. A revelation that has helped my psyche immensely. 

My costume turned out fabulous! My hot pink skin tight dress. My dark self-tanner stained skin. The obnoxious fake tattoo. Hooker heels. Make up. I was quite proud of myself. 

as the world turns

Life has been rather full throttle here at sleepy suburbia cottage land.

Hence a few bullet points to catch up:

• Mr. Manners is no more. He went away and I was gone upon his arrival back. Few text messages exchanged but all Mr. Manners' previous positive follow-through fell off. 
• Went on a few trips to Atlanta. Saw Super Dad, who proceeded to act like an immature 16 year old as opposed to the 50-something grown man that he is. I am not up for being on the receiving end of his punishment. Case closed.
• Did not train for half marathon while in Atlanta (unless walking the aisles at Trader Joe's counts).
• Got fairly sick upon return from Atlanta. Out of commission for nearly two weeks; meanwhile the half marathon rapidly approaches. 
• Decide to give okcupid a try. Not holding my breath but attempting. After all, it's free.
• Survived the first snow fall. Yes, there was lots of cursing as Austin was in the 80s during that time.
• Successfully ran a 5k every day the week of the half marathon. 
• Procured snappy race outfit as I knew my typical gear would not suffice in San Francisco.
• Suffered massive stroke the morning I was due to head out to San Fran when the airline called informing me that my evening flight had been cancelled. Luckily, I was able to out earlier that same day. Massive stroke immediately adverted and rewarded with wine.
• Had a grand time carb loading even though my body thoroughly revolted by desperately holding on to each and every carb.
• Enjoyed spending time with both of my bestest gay friends. Made some new wonderful gay friends and fell madly in love with a three pound short hair chocolate brown chihuahua.
• Ran my very first half marathon ever. I finished strong. I am beyond proud of myself.
• Spent the weekend in Austin. Made me feel very home sick this time. 
• Still trying to learn new job. Frustrated with myself but have to stop being so hard on me. 
• Met an okcupid date. He had previously neglected to mention that he was separated. Homie don't play that. 
• Trying to branch out and make new friends. Tough to do out here where people are not very open or friendly. Especially since I am used to everyone in Austin being the polar opposite.
• Getting ready for Halloween. The costume party won't be like Austin but I will be dressed up any way. 
• Hoping things calm down a bit so I can continue settling in out here in the frozen tundra.

postponed

So you are eagerly awaiting the details of last night's big date, right?

Well, it did not happen. :(

Said Potential Suitor was struck ill; hence a reschedule for next week.

Yes, I was disappointed but some days shit happens. Potential Suitor was very apologetic and sincere, which was a nice change of pace.

Now to wait for next week's encounter...

today's focus

Operation Clean Baby Clean continues, although I have  not made as much progress today as I'd like. Had a few phone calls throughout the day for the new client, so I was a bit scattered as I realized I know utterly nothing (at least that is how I feel). I totally realize a great deal of it is simply getting back into the game. Once I have the last vestiges of unpacking out of sight, I think I will feel more focused. At least that is the carrot I am dangling in front of my nose at the moment.

All unpacking and cleaning must be completed by Saturday as Cherry arrives on Sunday. The Cottage must look like a bona fide residence.

Dipped my toes back into the internet dating arena. Heart not completely in it but I know I have to start going out and meeting people, particularly men... because well, I haven't been on a proper date in some time. Namely the Super Dad and the Courier adventures don't count. Diversions and delusions do not equate to date.

Not feeling quite as grim today. Must figure out how to make this place work.

Off to finish some sorting so I can reward myself with a bath in my newly functional bath tub! Hooray!

bodies in motion

Stating the obvious: MOVING SUCKS. 


Yesterday marked three weeks that I drove from Austin to Denver Suburban Hell. While completing a nearly 1,000 mile drive in one day is demanding enough, the subsequent unpacking, cleaning, sorting have been exhausting. 


The drive was tough but not because leaving at 4 AM is grueling. I have found the earlier I leave is better on the back end, especially when driving through Colorado wilderness that includes highway loving deer. Bambi scares me. I was amazed that I now know that drive cold. More so, I was shocked by how empty the car felt without Lulu. Lulu. My co-pilot, my navigator, my McDonald's hamburger eater. Our stops ate away at me. Our Abilene gas station with adjoining vet office. The Paducah gas station where Lu first learned that the imaginary wall between the front bucket seats and her back seat bench was in fact invisible; she'd stick her long slender nose at me from that day forward through the invisible wall. The Childress McDonald's where I get coffee, Lu gets a few hamburgers and we split fries (and on our last trip, she demanded she get out of the car to inspect the parking lot). Another area that required great investigation by Lulu was the dirt lot near the Love gas station in Boise City, where she damn near refused to get back into the car. Sorta makes me wonder if her bit of stubbornness and crankiness was due to the cancer's presence? Or simply because Lulu had finally found her voice and wasn't afraid to use it. The open roads were littered with memories of Lulu. I'll even admit a few times talking to her in back seat just because I was on coffee-induced autopilot. 


But I made it here. With a sad heart, a bit of hope for my new job at the ranch, and terrible allergies caused by a house full of dust and cardboard boxes. It is amazing the amount of dust that accumulates in an empty house. The miller moths and spiders have thrown millions of parties over the past five years as evidenced by the body count I have sucked up with my trusty canister vacuum. But I am getting close to done. Clean, sort, unpack, clean, ponder where this item should go, clean, ponder some more, unpack in the mean time, clean, clean, ugh! 


In fact, I have to get back to that as my first house guest arrives on Sunday! Yes, Cherry will be here on her drive back to Austin! 

it's here

Reality hit me square in the face Wednesday evening.

The reality being that the mythical end of the month is here.

The end of May felt so far away and now my departure is imminent. 

My heart is sinking at leaving my friends. I decided I can remedy this by coming home for a long weekend once a quarter.

I am actually ok leaving my job assignment and the contract. My interview yesterday with the other company taking over the contract was terribly painful and I would never work for the man. An hour and half interview where the hiring manager grandstanded about himself and was rather condescending. Half way through, I found myself trying to figure out how to end the interview politely. I know he won't hire me as I have too much experience because he is interviewing people who don't have resumes. But I am glad I endured the "interview" because I have no regrets.

Then we have the other two interview I had this week where both hiring managers told me point-blank that I have a very impressive resume. I am rather excited at the thought of those two possibilities, even though each means leaving Austin.

Maybe it is time for new scenery. Maybe this will simply be a little break from Austin. Whatever it is, I hold tight to the intent that it will be for my higher good.

another suitcase in another hall

Adjusting to hotel living has been difficult.

"Really?" you ask.

It is when you move from Stepford into a small studio hotel room with the complete knowledge that this is the end of the Austin road. Of course, the associated downsizing of clothes, shoes, and accessory options does not help my clothes horse heart. Limited choices has truly damped my heart.

No oven and two burners. My ability to cook has been robbed and I miss it. Powered eggs have replaced my organic, free-range brown eggs. Oven roasted vegetables are but a memory.  My days of clean, minimally processed eating are hampered.

I cannot run outside on the street as I am by a major shopping complex; crazy drivers are everywhere and I am very fond of living unmaimed. I tried a lesser road, but the sidewalk stopped half way through the route, so I had to trample through brush. I was leery because brush in Texas piques my great fear of snakes. As a result I have been reduced to learning how to run on the treadmill. I am coping with being attached to the machine, but I certainly do miss communing with nature on my outdoor runs.

On the plus side, I don't have to make coffee in the morning. I just put on some shorts and simply run down three flights of stairs to fetch my morning must. At least the coffee is strong. Sadly that is the only plus.

And another day on the countdown continues...

checking in

Lots has been going on here in my little world. 


I made a trek up north to see one of my very dear friends who moved from Texas a little more than six months ago. I have missed her dearly and really needed to see her. We laughed so very much, ate, drank, and laughed some more. It felt so good. I truly needed that, even though I was frozen and had to deal with snow. 


Work is up in the air. I have to plan my move. Find a new job. Do I stay with my current company? Take a leap of faith and try a different company? Stay in Austin? Go back to Colorado? So many choices, so many decisions and a very short time line for it all. March/April is when it all happens. As in 6 to 8 weeks. Yikes! 


I haven't heard from The Courier nor have I contacted him. I have come to realize that The Courier served a very specialized purpose in my life at that moment. I needed to leave the pseudo-relationship I had with Super Dad; hence, The Courier runs through and shakes things up so I could get back on the correct path. Understanding The Courier's purpose from a higher level has completely changed my perspective. One day, if the opportunity presents itself, I will talk to him about it, but at the end of the day, my part is done. 


In the meantime, I am running again and maintaining clarity to make good decisions. 

it's getting hot in here

The heat is stifling down here. Daily it hits a minimum 100 degrees. Throw in humidity and the resulting heat index pushes the temperature over the top.

I can happily do the dry heat of Arizona, but this humidity-driven heat drains me. Leaving the house and my protective air conditioning bubble does not sound appealing. The conditions down here never bothered me as much in past years. I think this is simply yet another sign that I am over this place. Time to move on.

What I do need to do is to reset my bad attitude. I am going to be down here for another year. I need to make a conscious effort to reconnect with life in the ATX. Look past the heat, the pettiness, and redefine, remember the things I used to love down here. Look at this place and my situation with fresh eyes. Enjoy the moment down here instead of focusing solely on my escape plan. 

lost and found

I sit here amazed that half of 2011 is over. Simultaneously amazed and disappointed because I don't feel like I have done much thus far.

I feel like I have lost a lot of my mojo in the following ways:

• Work is tiring; tiring because it feels as though I cannot get anything accomplished. 
• I completely changed my eating - went clean and lost the stubborn bad marriage weight once and for all. Amen. 
• However, in this eating/lifestyle revolution, I had to isolate myself and have not felt much like rejoining society. 
• I am over Austin for the most part; living in limbo has finally gotten to me.
• Super Dad and I remain in this haphazard long distance telephone conversation relationship. No path forward is visible.
• I decided to try dating again. At least making myself receptive to the concept. 
• The online dating world is very depressing. But I halfheartedly try since Prince Charming has not knocked on my front door yet.

Maybe rediscovering this little corner of universe will help my mojo search and recovery mission.

pescatarians unite

Since I was a small child, I never liked liver, pork chops, or chicken. Never. Ever.

It was especially difficult growing up with a carnivorous father. Meat all the time. Being the stubborn little miss, I remember several nights where war of the worlds set out to challenge each other - to eat the meat or not to eat the meat. Typically, my unwavering will won. Yes, I was the type of child that my father liked. I wouldn't easily step into the fold. Maybe that is part of my issue with men today... but a whole other topic to delve into on another day....

Anyway, I have never been weak when faced with butchered animals. I have see carcasses the world round and frankly have never felt queasy. As recently as this fall with my holiday in Peru, I had absolutely no issue strolling down the meat aisle at the local Cusco market.

This unwavering penchant changed while on the Marrakech and Tunisia holiday. Practically through my three week adventure in North Africa, I stopped being able to consume meat. Yes, my ability to consume meat was killed while walking the aisles of outdoor markets in Marrakesh and Tunisia. Somehow seeing the "meat" au natural complete with fur, horns,and eyeballs this time was chock full of shock and awe. In Morocco, it was cow heads but more notably, the fur covered legs of the cows that started the road paved to hell. Tunisia completed my graphic journey to meatless when I saw the heads of camels hanging by the butcher's hook along with the legs and hooves. Scarred for life like I have never been scarred before.

During my time in North Africa, I stopped eating meat. Surprisingly, three months hence, I have maintained my meat boycott. After what I saw in Tunisia, I still do not wish to go back to the carnivore life style. I realize that in a group situation, I might bend the rules because being "finicky" makes life difficult and honestly I do crave that type of protein on occasion. But over all, I have become a pescatarian because I will consume fish.

Much To my surprise, I do not miss the meat. I did not think that I could make it this far; but I am ok. I do not crave steaks although occasionally bacon does tempt my palette. Luckily since pigs are taboo in Islam, I did not see any slaughtered pig; hence my ability to enjoy the occasional BLT. I am not a hard core vegetarian but mostly meatless I am. And completely content, to my surprise.

a new season

It is almost a week since I have returned from my North Africa adventure. I celebrated my 36th birthday in Djerba, Tunisia. The Med, the Sahara, and everything in between. It was a magnificent country and yet another experience that left a long-last mark on my being.

The people, the landscape, the way of life, it all captivated me to a level I did not anticipate. The more I travel, the more I see (and I have seen an awful lot for my age), the more the world make sense in some weird way. We, as humans, are all alike, regardless of our race, creed, religion, or sex. Language doesn't serve as a barrier to communication; a smile does more than words.

During this trip, I thought about my old traveling companion (now dead), Helen constantly. I was reminded of our last trip to Cambodia. During that time, American travellers were a rarity but the few small lessons Helen taught me were like a tape on repeat in my mind during Tunisia. Things I learned from Helen:

• Smile. Always smile.
• Wave, especially at children as they need to know that travellers are capable of kindness.
• Always, always say hello; preferable in their language, but when in doubt a good old fashioned 'hello' works.

The compassion Helen instilled in me is something I am eternally grateful for. I had so many wonderful encounters and subsequent memories because I faithfully followed Helen's guidance. While I miss Helen greatly, it felt wonderful to have her still encircling me on my latest holiday.

under the weather

I am currently caught in not-feeling-so-hot land. Somewhere between a cold and nasty allergy attack. I am eating zyrtec, benadryl, and tylenol sinus like candy. Of course, this means I spent most of yesterday unconscious on the couch and I don't see much movement today either.

The dog is going to be the death of me. Usually a quiet girl, she has been crying in my ear to let her outside to enjoy the weather. This behavior is not appreciated when I am sick.

Here's to another day on the couch!

of death and dying

This week I am broadcasting live from the frozen tundra. I do not miss it here. Life in this cow town is dull; it is life on a hamster wheel, which is a fate worse than death to this girl.

Speaking of death and dying, that is the entire reason I winged my way back here at the spur of the moment last Saturday. My mother's 90+ year old mother started hospice care a few weeks ago and upon enduring a less-than-fun phone call with my mother filled with phrases like "don't judge me" and "you have no idea what it's like here', I decided it was time to get my behind on an airplane.

A little more than 24 hours after my arrival, the old lady was dead. I like to think I released her as clearly my mother was selfishly holding on to her for dear life. I am all about quality as opposed to quantity and quality was definitely non-existent.

My grandmother and I never really had a relationship. She was disinterested in me. It was all about her and only her. When Helen and The Queen died, I cried and cried; I felt deep sense of loss and great sadness - even today. However, with my grandmother, it is sadly quite different as I find myself not having any emotion or feeling of loss. Crazy, huh.

turn that frown upside down

Considering my ego was badly bruised with Bolt's no-show move, today's many random men checking me out helped immensely in patching me up. This morning on the Starbuck's run while inside the coffee mega-land confines, not three but four men eyeballed me big time. Super Dad was quite impressed that I counted up the same number as he did. Getting into the elevator this afternoon, a man from the adjoining suite dive-bombed in between the closing doors for an opportunity to chat me up. Shock and awe, indeed.

observations from the universe

I received this earlier this week from The Universe:

Ever wondered why so many people, sometimes virtual strangers, tell you their deepest secrets, Patsy?

It's because when they look into your eyes, they see me.

And sharing their secrets with me, as you, reminds them that no matter what they have to say, my love is so much bigger.

We're quite the team -
The Universe

I was just remarking about this the other day because I do have a big invisible sign across my forehead saying, "Tell me everything. I will listen." People spill their guts without a thought. Clearly, I missed my calling; I should have been a shrink. At least then I would get paid to listen.

Yes, I am grumpy today.