Holy cow! November is here. Sadly, that means a whole bunch of things in my world and only one of them is that the year is almost over.
November marks my birthday and the anniversary of Lulu's death. Two big things that make me realize how fleeting life truly is. Especially since this will be my last year in my thirties. Now that is a scary thought!
Since all my friends are in Austin, this birthday won't be much simply because I will be in Denver. I reminisce about my fabulous birthday last year; I was in Austin surrounded by all my amazing friends. An evening filled with laughter and love. Happiness was actually palpable.
It is those type of memories that make everything feel so off here. But I remain steadfast in my belief that the correct next step will present itself when I am ready for it.
Once the calendar changed to November, I experience a profound sadness that had lessen in previous months as the second anniversary of Lulu's death stands out prominently. Two years that my darling left me. Unfortunately, it feels as if much more time has passed. I have finally figured out that this hole in my heart will never be filled.
On to happier topics tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Houndies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Houndies. Show all posts
04 November 2013
23 August 2013
indelible memories
On August 23, 2011 at 7 PM CT, my life changed forever. I can still tell you what I was wearing, what I did in the moments leading up to the accident.
I had worked a bit late, but was running low on dog food so decided to stop at Tomlinson's to get Lulu more chow. From there I ran into to the fancy HEB to grab a few containers of sushi for dinner. I was in my strapless hot pink Lily Pulitzer dress and strappy nude heels.
I got home and let Lulu out of her crate. As usual, I was greeted with her high energy hello, whip tail wagging a million miles an hour, eyes overflowing with happiness and love. As I approached the french doors in the kitchen to let Lulu out for a potty break, I remember looking at the stove's clock. It read 7:00.
Like usual, I opened the door and Lulu took off like lightening. She was a greyhound after all, so sprinting off the concrete patio onto the lawn at warp speed was her signature. As I was heading toward to the counter to put my HEB finds in the frig, I heard Lulu cry. It was a piercing cry. A noise that let me know immediately and without a doubt that something was wrong with my girl.
I raced out the french door and flew off patio much like Lulu. I found her in the middle of the yard, sitting, her big eyes even larger than normal oozing with fear. The moment I saw her, I knew instinctively that Lu had broken her back leg. Somehow I immediately and gently scooped with my 55 pound darling and took her back to the side of the house, making the very tall step up onto the patio in strappy heels. Sitting her down in the great room, I tried calling Lu's vet but the office was closed for the evening. I called my dog sitting friend for support but she was too far away. I called the emergency vet so they would be ready for us.
I don't know how I got her into the car. I do remember that I immediately began praying because it was just me and her and I needed all the help I could get at that moment. Lulu was in pain but she laid in the back seat and didn't move. I continued talking to her as I drove on eggshells to the emergency vet.
Upon arriving at the vet, I had this big dog in my arms and no way to open the door. I kicked the glass door with my foot. The people at the desk shot me very dirty looks, which I always thought odd as they could see my precious cargo in my arms.
They took her back and I had paperwork to fill out. Unbeknownst to me at that time, this would be just the beginning of filling out medical forms for Lulu. Time drug on, the sun set and came over us. No word on her. It would be close to 10 PM before I finally found out what was wrong.
In the meantime, I watched all sorts of people and animals walk into the emergency room. My favorite was a concerned hippie chick who brought in green storage tub containing a squirrel that she claimed looked and acted confused and disoriented. Animal control brought in a little beige puppy who had a broken paw.
I was finally called in just after 10 PM. The news was the worst. Lulu's leg was broken in three places. Seeing the x-rays glowing on the wall, my heart sank. But I quickly reminded myself this was my amazing wonder Lulu who has always defied the odds when it came to all things medical. After all, she wasn't supposed to walk normally after the sliced tendon, but she not only walked beautifully, she ran faster than ever. Only my Lulu could survive a venomous snake bite. She beat Giradria and canine botulism. Knowing all that my dear girl faced and beaten, I reassured myself that together we'd whip this broken leg too.
The hospital gave me the choice of taking her home and then to our vet in the morning or leaving her overnight. I decided to take Lulu home. Lulu had always suffered from separation anxiety, so I knew I only had one decision - take her home with me. A night alone in a cold metal hospital crate would be detrimental when the single thing she needed most was to be able to see me and be with me.
Somehow, I got Lulu back into my car shortly before midnight. Carefully we got home to Stepford and unloaded her with the flimsy splint holding her leg together. She was in pain and I was hoping she'd be more drugged up. Poor thing didn't understand what happening and I kept trying to convey the concern and love I had for her through the tone of my voice. For her sake, I kept the crying to a minimum because I didn't want her trying to protect me.
I blocked off an area in the great room around her day bed so she could rest and I tried to sleep on the concrete floor near her. I spent the night counting down the hours until the vet's office would open at 7 AM so I could get Lulu in.
I had worked a bit late, but was running low on dog food so decided to stop at Tomlinson's to get Lulu more chow. From there I ran into to the fancy HEB to grab a few containers of sushi for dinner. I was in my strapless hot pink Lily Pulitzer dress and strappy nude heels.
I got home and let Lulu out of her crate. As usual, I was greeted with her high energy hello, whip tail wagging a million miles an hour, eyes overflowing with happiness and love. As I approached the french doors in the kitchen to let Lulu out for a potty break, I remember looking at the stove's clock. It read 7:00.
Like usual, I opened the door and Lulu took off like lightening. She was a greyhound after all, so sprinting off the concrete patio onto the lawn at warp speed was her signature. As I was heading toward to the counter to put my HEB finds in the frig, I heard Lulu cry. It was a piercing cry. A noise that let me know immediately and without a doubt that something was wrong with my girl.
I raced out the french door and flew off patio much like Lulu. I found her in the middle of the yard, sitting, her big eyes even larger than normal oozing with fear. The moment I saw her, I knew instinctively that Lu had broken her back leg. Somehow I immediately and gently scooped with my 55 pound darling and took her back to the side of the house, making the very tall step up onto the patio in strappy heels. Sitting her down in the great room, I tried calling Lu's vet but the office was closed for the evening. I called my dog sitting friend for support but she was too far away. I called the emergency vet so they would be ready for us.
I don't know how I got her into the car. I do remember that I immediately began praying because it was just me and her and I needed all the help I could get at that moment. Lulu was in pain but she laid in the back seat and didn't move. I continued talking to her as I drove on eggshells to the emergency vet.
Upon arriving at the vet, I had this big dog in my arms and no way to open the door. I kicked the glass door with my foot. The people at the desk shot me very dirty looks, which I always thought odd as they could see my precious cargo in my arms.
They took her back and I had paperwork to fill out. Unbeknownst to me at that time, this would be just the beginning of filling out medical forms for Lulu. Time drug on, the sun set and came over us. No word on her. It would be close to 10 PM before I finally found out what was wrong.
In the meantime, I watched all sorts of people and animals walk into the emergency room. My favorite was a concerned hippie chick who brought in green storage tub containing a squirrel that she claimed looked and acted confused and disoriented. Animal control brought in a little beige puppy who had a broken paw.
I was finally called in just after 10 PM. The news was the worst. Lulu's leg was broken in three places. Seeing the x-rays glowing on the wall, my heart sank. But I quickly reminded myself this was my amazing wonder Lulu who has always defied the odds when it came to all things medical. After all, she wasn't supposed to walk normally after the sliced tendon, but she not only walked beautifully, she ran faster than ever. Only my Lulu could survive a venomous snake bite. She beat Giradria and canine botulism. Knowing all that my dear girl faced and beaten, I reassured myself that together we'd whip this broken leg too.
The hospital gave me the choice of taking her home and then to our vet in the morning or leaving her overnight. I decided to take Lulu home. Lulu had always suffered from separation anxiety, so I knew I only had one decision - take her home with me. A night alone in a cold metal hospital crate would be detrimental when the single thing she needed most was to be able to see me and be with me.
Somehow, I got Lulu back into my car shortly before midnight. Carefully we got home to Stepford and unloaded her with the flimsy splint holding her leg together. She was in pain and I was hoping she'd be more drugged up. Poor thing didn't understand what happening and I kept trying to convey the concern and love I had for her through the tone of my voice. For her sake, I kept the crying to a minimum because I didn't want her trying to protect me.
I blocked off an area in the great room around her day bed so she could rest and I tried to sleep on the concrete floor near her. I spent the night counting down the hours until the vet's office would open at 7 AM so I could get Lulu in.
26 November 2012
when you're having fun
Fleeting.
That is the only way I can describe the month of November. Feels like only yesterday it was Halloween and I was anticipating my birthday with great joy... and poof! now the month is virtually over.
I spent my birthday in Austin surrounded by my wonderful friends. It was truly special. You see, the past three years I haven't celebrated my birthday. Two and three years ago, I was abroad in some exotic land for my birthday. Last year, Lulu was fighting bravely against cancer, so all I wanted was to spend every moment with her, my birthday forgotten because my love for Lulu was so greater. And so to get off the plane and head directly to a group of people who love me for who I am (flaws and all) made my 38th birthday amazing.
I still look at that number, 38, not realizing it is affixed to me now. Knocking on 40's door step. Thinking back to a time when I thought 40 was "old". I certainly don't physically feel old and remind myself regularly that I just ran a half marathon. I look at how much I blossomed in Austin and feel that I am finally comfortable in my skin, so the only was I can go is up!
I cried a lot around my birthday too. Not for myself but because my dear Lulu left this earth just six days after my birthday last year. My poor darling baby girl. I still miss her so very much. I travel back in time to those roller coaster months and I find myself in awe. If I ever doubted the existence of God, those three months taught me more about the spiritual world than I ever believed possible.
Now I try to focus on all the wonderful memories of Lulu. To be thankful every day that I had that beautiful little hound girl in my life for over eight years. Remembering the unwavering love we shared.
While November has moved rapidly, it has been filled with goodness and healing.
26 June 2012
bodies in motion
Stating the obvious: MOVING SUCKS.
Yesterday marked three weeks that I drove from Austin to Denver Suburban Hell. While completing a nearly 1,000 mile drive in one day is demanding enough, the subsequent unpacking, cleaning, sorting have been exhausting.
The drive was tough but not because leaving at 4 AM is grueling. I have found the earlier I leave is better on the back end, especially when driving through Colorado wilderness that includes highway loving deer. Bambi scares me. I was amazed that I now know that drive cold. More so, I was shocked by how empty the car felt without Lulu. Lulu. My co-pilot, my navigator, my McDonald's hamburger eater. Our stops ate away at me. Our Abilene gas station with adjoining vet office. The Paducah gas station where Lu first learned that the imaginary wall between the front bucket seats and her back seat bench was in fact invisible; she'd stick her long slender nose at me from that day forward through the invisible wall. The Childress McDonald's where I get coffee, Lu gets a few hamburgers and we split fries (and on our last trip, she demanded she get out of the car to inspect the parking lot). Another area that required great investigation by Lulu was the dirt lot near the Love gas station in Boise City, where she damn near refused to get back into the car. Sorta makes me wonder if her bit of stubbornness and crankiness was due to the cancer's presence? Or simply because Lulu had finally found her voice and wasn't afraid to use it. The open roads were littered with memories of Lulu. I'll even admit a few times talking to her in back seat just because I was on coffee-induced autopilot.
But I made it here. With a sad heart, a bit of hope for my new job at the ranch, and terrible allergies caused by a house full of dust and cardboard boxes. It is amazing the amount of dust that accumulates in an empty house. The miller moths and spiders have thrown millions of parties over the past five years as evidenced by the body count I have sucked up with my trusty canister vacuum. But I am getting close to done. Clean, sort, unpack, clean, ponder where this item should go, clean, ponder some more, unpack in the mean time, clean, clean, ugh!
In fact, I have to get back to that as my first house guest arrives on Sunday! Yes, Cherry will be here on her drive back to Austin!
Yesterday marked three weeks that I drove from Austin to Denver Suburban Hell. While completing a nearly 1,000 mile drive in one day is demanding enough, the subsequent unpacking, cleaning, sorting have been exhausting.
The drive was tough but not because leaving at 4 AM is grueling. I have found the earlier I leave is better on the back end, especially when driving through Colorado wilderness that includes highway loving deer. Bambi scares me. I was amazed that I now know that drive cold. More so, I was shocked by how empty the car felt without Lulu. Lulu. My co-pilot, my navigator, my McDonald's hamburger eater. Our stops ate away at me. Our Abilene gas station with adjoining vet office. The Paducah gas station where Lu first learned that the imaginary wall between the front bucket seats and her back seat bench was in fact invisible; she'd stick her long slender nose at me from that day forward through the invisible wall. The Childress McDonald's where I get coffee, Lu gets a few hamburgers and we split fries (and on our last trip, she demanded she get out of the car to inspect the parking lot). Another area that required great investigation by Lulu was the dirt lot near the Love gas station in Boise City, where she damn near refused to get back into the car. Sorta makes me wonder if her bit of stubbornness and crankiness was due to the cancer's presence? Or simply because Lulu had finally found her voice and wasn't afraid to use it. The open roads were littered with memories of Lulu. I'll even admit a few times talking to her in back seat just because I was on coffee-induced autopilot.
But I made it here. With a sad heart, a bit of hope for my new job at the ranch, and terrible allergies caused by a house full of dust and cardboard boxes. It is amazing the amount of dust that accumulates in an empty house. The miller moths and spiders have thrown millions of parties over the past five years as evidenced by the body count I have sucked up with my trusty canister vacuum. But I am getting close to done. Clean, sort, unpack, clean, ponder where this item should go, clean, ponder some more, unpack in the mean time, clean, clean, ugh!
In fact, I have to get back to that as my first house guest arrives on Sunday! Yes, Cherry will be here on her drive back to Austin!
06 May 2012
the bus at a crossroads
Yesterday as I drove down the highway, I grew melancholy as I passed the exit for RR620. That particular exit, that particular road is where I took Lulu for her internal medicine doctor, the man who saved her life and gave us six more weeks together.
Upon being taken back, I started talking to my Lulu. Telling her how much I missed her. Specifically naming the things she did that I so dearly miss. Lulu sticking her head against my knees while I took my first morning pee. Her waking me up at 4 AM and on the weekends at 7 AM too; there was never any sleeping in with my happy snappy morning hound girl. Knocking her nose on the door to command me to open it. Those big beautiful eyes. Her huge loving heart. My baby girl.
A few exits down, I got off the highway to head back to the dreaded hotel. On the side of the road stopped was a greyhound bus. There in unmissable technicolor was a greyhound. A message from my little girl. Of course, I cried until I reached my destination. My girl remains with me.
Upon being taken back, I started talking to my Lulu. Telling her how much I missed her. Specifically naming the things she did that I so dearly miss. Lulu sticking her head against my knees while I took my first morning pee. Her waking me up at 4 AM and on the weekends at 7 AM too; there was never any sleeping in with my happy snappy morning hound girl. Knocking her nose on the door to command me to open it. Those big beautiful eyes. Her huge loving heart. My baby girl.
A few exits down, I got off the highway to head back to the dreaded hotel. On the side of the road stopped was a greyhound bus. There in unmissable technicolor was a greyhound. A message from my little girl. Of course, I cried until I reached my destination. My girl remains with me.
15 January 2012
markers
I have been back in the tailspin of extreme mourning. Yesterday marked two months to the day that my baby left. Sadly, it is not getting any easier. The floods of tears continue to roll down my face. I miss her.
15 December 2011
bittersweet birthday
Happy birthday, Lulu. My dear little girl. Today I celebrate that your sweet, gentle soul came into this world ten years ago.
* ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** * ** *
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i carry your heart with me by e e cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
12 December 2011
week four
Today marks four weeks since Lulu left. I am amazed at how quickly time is marching forward and how much I want time to reverse... back to the days of...
- Lulu waking me up at 3:30 AM to go to the bathroom
- going on our runs
- putting herself to bed but coming out to check on me, asking me but more often than not demanding I come to bed too
- tossing her stuffed animals down the cement floor so she could run and slide to fetch them; she loved sliding across the floor
- bringing home restaurant treats such as french fries, tortilla chips, and rice that I would order specifically for Lulu
- tucking her into bed each night
- reassuring her I will be home by 5 PM
- our daily hug-a-hound moments
- watching her frolic in the yard
- seeing the wonder in her eyes
- feeling her deep love for me oozing out of her every pore
05 December 2011
a tale of a tail
"Just because you're hurt doesn't mean you're broken."
My lesson for this evening: one should not watch A Dolphin's Tale while mourning a three-legged greyhound girl.
Naively thinking a "feel-good" Disney movie would be the cure to my three week post-Lulu departure blues, I was blatantly slapped in the face with our situation. As I watched the movie unfold, my internal tape kept playing "this is Lulu and me".
The little girl in the movie was crying like a baby just as I was when news of the amputation struck. Similarly I quickly learned the only limitations three-legged Lulu the Amazing would ever know are the limits placed on her by my ego, so I forcibly shoved my ego aside and replaced limitations with unending possibilities. Just as Winter the Dolphin learned to swim with a prosthetic tail, we here in Wanderlust land learned that a greyhound can get on with three legs just like a four-legger can.
As I sobbed through the movie, I also had several realizations. Firstly, if a fish (my biology degree has me grounded in the fact that a dolphin is a mammal... all that live baby and oxygen drivel) can land a major motion picture, surely a doe-eyed pathetic greyhound is ready for the Hollywood spotlight, especially since her mother has been playing paparazzi since the beginning. But secondly, I realized I had my very own personal Winter the Dolphin story and very, very few people get to experience and learn from such amazing creatures as my Lulu or a "fish". I got a rare glimpse into bravery, strength, and true love; unconditional abound.
So while I miss my dear Lulu terribly, I have the awareness that she was a miracle, a radiating miracle. I was blessed enough to be her mama and to give her the love and devotion to help let Lulu's miracle shine. And shine brightly, indeed, my sweet girl did.
I learned so very much from my girl. From the moment Lulu first licked my hand at the racer rescue to our last moments, our hearts were intertwined, our devotion palpable, our love never-ending. Lulu was a rare gift and now it all makes sense as to why three weeks later my heart continues to mourn for such a sweet, kind girl.
My lesson for this evening: one should not watch A Dolphin's Tale while mourning a three-legged greyhound girl.
Naively thinking a "feel-good" Disney movie would be the cure to my three week post-Lulu departure blues, I was blatantly slapped in the face with our situation. As I watched the movie unfold, my internal tape kept playing "this is Lulu and me".
The little girl in the movie was crying like a baby just as I was when news of the amputation struck. Similarly I quickly learned the only limitations three-legged Lulu the Amazing would ever know are the limits placed on her by my ego, so I forcibly shoved my ego aside and replaced limitations with unending possibilities. Just as Winter the Dolphin learned to swim with a prosthetic tail, we here in Wanderlust land learned that a greyhound can get on with three legs just like a four-legger can.
As I sobbed through the movie, I also had several realizations. Firstly, if a fish (my biology degree has me grounded in the fact that a dolphin is a mammal... all that live baby and oxygen drivel) can land a major motion picture, surely a doe-eyed pathetic greyhound is ready for the Hollywood spotlight, especially since her mother has been playing paparazzi since the beginning. But secondly, I realized I had my very own personal Winter the Dolphin story and very, very few people get to experience and learn from such amazing creatures as my Lulu or a "fish". I got a rare glimpse into bravery, strength, and true love; unconditional abound.
So while I miss my dear Lulu terribly, I have the awareness that she was a miracle, a radiating miracle. I was blessed enough to be her mama and to give her the love and devotion to help let Lulu's miracle shine. And shine brightly, indeed, my sweet girl did.
I learned so very much from my girl. From the moment Lulu first licked my hand at the racer rescue to our last moments, our hearts were intertwined, our devotion palpable, our love never-ending. Lulu was a rare gift and now it all makes sense as to why three weeks later my heart continues to mourn for such a sweet, kind girl.
04 December 2011
princess birthday party
Mid-October when Lulu was doing better I decided that I would commit to a birthday party for her. We would celebrate her courage and bravery as she marked her tenth year. It was a big, important birthday, so I send out evites for today.
Sadly, today we still celebrated but our birthday hound was not physically here. Today, I remembered Lulu with her favorite aunties. It felt odd not to be looking for Lu before opening the front door. I only cried once when one of the girls gave me a birthday she'd made for Lulu prior.
As we talked about her, I realized that unconsciously I bought several of Lulu's favorite foods, such as shrimp, cherry tomatoes, red peppers, various cheeses and crackers. My girl had a refined palate. She also enjoyed roasted asparagus, green peppers, green chile. Lu was a vegetable eater as well as a carnivore. Boy, that little girl loved tomatoes a slight bit more than steak.
Lu's actual birthday is in eleven days. Tomorrow is three weeks since she went to heaven. So close but yet so far.
Sadly, today we still celebrated but our birthday hound was not physically here. Today, I remembered Lulu with her favorite aunties. It felt odd not to be looking for Lu before opening the front door. I only cried once when one of the girls gave me a birthday she'd made for Lulu prior.
As we talked about her, I realized that unconsciously I bought several of Lulu's favorite foods, such as shrimp, cherry tomatoes, red peppers, various cheeses and crackers. My girl had a refined palate. She also enjoyed roasted asparagus, green peppers, green chile. Lu was a vegetable eater as well as a carnivore. Boy, that little girl loved tomatoes a slight bit more than steak.
Lu's actual birthday is in eleven days. Tomorrow is three weeks since she went to heaven. So close but yet so far.
28 November 2011
week two
I mourn for my little girl. I mourn for my Lulu each and every day.
Today, Monday marks two weeks at shortly before 6 PM that my little girl left me.
It is not getting easier.
Sundays and Mondays are the worst because I can put time stamps on the day. Markers of our last moments together, decisions made, savoring the precious fleeting time.
Lulu's dog beds have quickly lost her scent. My heart aches to breath her in again, a small comfort of memory. I cannot shake the ingrained alert I have for Lulu's every movement. She had me so very well trained. The tidal waves of devastation continue to beat against me.
I miss my baby girl. I am lost.
22 November 2011
hoot
Somehow I have survived a week without my little girl.
Floods of tears. Despair. Loneliness. Emptiness.
Those same feelings have been countered by gratitude for having such a precious angel in my life, realizations that she was my joy, resolute knowing everything happened as it should.
Right now there is an owl outside my kitchen door. His hooting is distracting me. He is being constant in his hoot, hoot, hoot. I have lived here almost three years and I have never heard an owl. Why is he here now? What is his message? His persistent hooting means I need to listen. I wonder if tonight's dreams will reveal anything?
Yesterday was quite difficult as the clock marked the milestones of the previous Monday. Lulu's last Monday. Lulu's last day. While at home before and after work, I could smell Lulu around me. I was so surprised to notice the thickness of Lulu in air around me. I've never experienced anything quite like it.
So, Mr. Owl, what are you telling me tonight?
Floods of tears. Despair. Loneliness. Emptiness.
Those same feelings have been countered by gratitude for having such a precious angel in my life, realizations that she was my joy, resolute knowing everything happened as it should.
Right now there is an owl outside my kitchen door. His hooting is distracting me. He is being constant in his hoot, hoot, hoot. I have lived here almost three years and I have never heard an owl. Why is he here now? What is his message? His persistent hooting means I need to listen. I wonder if tonight's dreams will reveal anything?
Yesterday was quite difficult as the clock marked the milestones of the previous Monday. Lulu's last Monday. Lulu's last day. While at home before and after work, I could smell Lulu around me. I was so surprised to notice the thickness of Lulu in air around me. I've never experienced anything quite like it.
So, Mr. Owl, what are you telling me tonight?
17 November 2011
three days
Mourning and grief are strange bedfellows.
I never know when an extreme crying jag will strike. Awaiting what minute every day detail that once only resided in the background will spark a memory: cue the water works.
Today as I crawled onto Lulu's day bed, I finally noticed the bed was filled with her scent. I laid there with my body curled in a ball but my nose was firmed planted in Lu's blanket, drinking her in.
Yes, I am that woman. And I don't care. I never thought it would be this difficult. The emptiness is more than I can bear. Over the past three months, I realized Lulu is my entire world. She was 18 months old when she ran into my life. Taking care of my Lulu every day for 8 1/2 years is something I cannot turn off.
Each day will continue to bear remembrances of my sweet Lulu Bean. Some memories will bring a smile to my face, while others will be sad reminders of the vast void in my existence. For once, I don't mind being in limbo.
I never know when an extreme crying jag will strike. Awaiting what minute every day detail that once only resided in the background will spark a memory: cue the water works.
Today as I crawled onto Lulu's day bed, I finally noticed the bed was filled with her scent. I laid there with my body curled in a ball but my nose was firmed planted in Lu's blanket, drinking her in.
Yes, I am that woman. And I don't care. I never thought it would be this difficult. The emptiness is more than I can bear. Over the past three months, I realized Lulu is my entire world. She was 18 months old when she ran into my life. Taking care of my Lulu every day for 8 1/2 years is something I cannot turn off.
Each day will continue to bear remembrances of my sweet Lulu Bean. Some memories will bring a smile to my face, while others will be sad reminders of the vast void in my existence. For once, I don't mind being in limbo.
15 November 2011
my amazing grace, otherwise known as lulu
On Tuesday August 23, my little Lulu broke her leg shortly after 7 PM.
Tonight, a Tuesday exactly twelve weeks later, I sit in an empty house.
No rustling of the noisy dog collar so I'd know her location. No long nose tapping on the handle of the back door to be let outside. No sounds of greyhound nails tapping on the cement floors. No blue brindle voyeur keeping tabs on me while I am in the bathroom.
As of shortly before 6 PM last night, Monday November 14, I said good bye to my dear sweet Lulu.
I cannot believe that 24 hours have passed since I last kissed her, told her I loved her, felt her fur underneath my palms, looked in her eyes to thank her for all the love she gives me. Sadly, this the first of many hours that I will have to learn to live without my girl.
Lulu, you were so courageous, so brave, strong and full of love. Momma loves you so very much.
Tonight, a Tuesday exactly twelve weeks later, I sit in an empty house.
No rustling of the noisy dog collar so I'd know her location. No long nose tapping on the handle of the back door to be let outside. No sounds of greyhound nails tapping on the cement floors. No blue brindle voyeur keeping tabs on me while I am in the bathroom.
As of shortly before 6 PM last night, Monday November 14, I said good bye to my dear sweet Lulu.
I cannot believe that 24 hours have passed since I last kissed her, told her I loved her, felt her fur underneath my palms, looked in her eyes to thank her for all the love she gives me. Sadly, this the first of many hours that I will have to learn to live without my girl.
Lulu, you were so courageous, so brave, strong and full of love. Momma loves you so very much.
13 November 2011
anything but an amusement park
I am not going to lie. These days life around here is hard. The ups and downs are extreme. Trying to stay strong for Lulu is damn hard. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have to leave for a short while to drive so I can cry in the car.
Lulu responded so well to Monday's chemo. But last night, she whimpered in pain, so I gave her an additional pain pill.
I simply keep trying to spoil her and love her as much as I can. Clinging to every moment. Savoring each minute detail of her fur, her body, her eyes. Drinking in every moment. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. I love Lulu too much.
Lulu responded so well to Monday's chemo. But last night, she whimpered in pain, so I gave her an additional pain pill.
I simply keep trying to spoil her and love her as much as I can. Clinging to every moment. Savoring each minute detail of her fur, her body, her eyes. Drinking in every moment. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. I love Lulu too much.
05 November 2011
learning to live in the now
It's been awhile since our last Lulu update.
Ms. Lulu and I have been getting into our groove. She has been doing good,alert, playing again, trying to run... I say trying because Lulu would run but I am still making her take it slow. I think "slow" is her most dreaded word now.
Monday we had our internal medicine vet checkup. Everything, in terms of the surgeries is looking good. Awhile back, I had noticed a lump on the left side of Lulu's chest on her lower rib. Recently, the lump has grown. Already knowing the answer deep in my heart, I asked the internal med vet to look at it. Chest x-rays were taken and sent off to the radiologist and pathologist for further review.
Tuesday afternoon, the internal medicine vet called with the dreaded news. My sweet, strong baby girl has bone cancer.
All the vets originally suspected bone cancer as the cause of the break, but was dismissed during surgery. According to the internal med vet, this hateful disease most likely had spread from her leg prior to the break. Due to all Lulu has been through and knowing it has already spread, surgery is not an option.
Sadly in the wee hours of Thursday morning, Lulu already started experiencing pain. This is way too fast. Just two days before, she was trotting and playing. Thursday was really bad in terms of both grave realizations and seeing her affected. Luckily Lulu has the best general vet and he immediately put her on a pain management cocktail that is working wonders. Lulu's eyes are bright again and she took me on a long walk yesterday.
On Monday, Lulu has her doggie chemo. We can't eradicate the disease, but we can slow the growth and most importantly keep our girl out of pain so we can make the most of her remaining days.
I wish I had different news to share with you. Over here at Stepford, our focus is remaining steadfast on an abundance of love and making the most out of everyday. Lulu is the bravest and strongest little hound.
xoxo
Ms. Lulu and I have been getting into our groove. She has been doing good,alert, playing again, trying to run... I say trying because Lulu would run but I am still making her take it slow. I think "slow" is her most dreaded word now.
Monday we had our internal medicine vet checkup. Everything, in terms of the surgeries is looking good. Awhile back, I had noticed a lump on the left side of Lulu's chest on her lower rib. Recently, the lump has grown. Already knowing the answer deep in my heart, I asked the internal med vet to look at it. Chest x-rays were taken and sent off to the radiologist and pathologist for further review.
Tuesday afternoon, the internal medicine vet called with the dreaded news. My sweet, strong baby girl has bone cancer.
All the vets originally suspected bone cancer as the cause of the break, but was dismissed during surgery. According to the internal med vet, this hateful disease most likely had spread from her leg prior to the break. Due to all Lulu has been through and knowing it has already spread, surgery is not an option.
Sadly in the wee hours of Thursday morning, Lulu already started experiencing pain. This is way too fast. Just two days before, she was trotting and playing. Thursday was really bad in terms of both grave realizations and seeing her affected. Luckily Lulu has the best general vet and he immediately put her on a pain management cocktail that is working wonders. Lulu's eyes are bright again and she took me on a long walk yesterday.
On Monday, Lulu has her doggie chemo. We can't eradicate the disease, but we can slow the growth and most importantly keep our girl out of pain so we can make the most of her remaining days.
I wish I had different news to share with you. Over here at Stepford, our focus is remaining steadfast on an abundance of love and making the most out of everyday. Lulu is the bravest and strongest little hound.
xoxo
30 October 2011
change of plans
As I watch Lulu peacefully sleeping, I think about the months long plans for today.
This morning I was supposed to get on a plane bound for New York, then on to Delhi reaching my final destination in Colombo, Sri Lanka. After eight days seeing all there is to see and experience in Sri Lanka, I would head back to India to explore the country's southern half for a few weeks. I would completely disconnect from the world. Immerse myself in a magical country. Recharge after a long hard year. Once again celebrate my birthday in a foreign land.
Those plans and plane tickets were cancelled shortly after Lulu broke her leg. I knew I could no leave her while she was still recovering. I cancelled the trip not knowing the road would get more complicated with the amputation and subsequent brush with death.
Would I change my decision? Hell no. I need to be here with my little girl. This morning she sneaked into the office closet where her treats live and helped herself to two big bones. Striding from the office to the great room, Lulu kept her eyes straight ahead walked by me like she was invisible. Those are the antics of my perfectly healthy Lulu.
So while my heart isn't swelling with the anticipation and excitement of getting on a plane to destinations unknown, I am filled with happiness and true joy that my little hound girl is finally back to herself. Sri Lanka and India will always be there, my time with my baby hound girl is finite (Lord knows this was a huge reminder) and I rearranged my priorities based on that understanding.
This morning I was supposed to get on a plane bound for New York, then on to Delhi reaching my final destination in Colombo, Sri Lanka. After eight days seeing all there is to see and experience in Sri Lanka, I would head back to India to explore the country's southern half for a few weeks. I would completely disconnect from the world. Immerse myself in a magical country. Recharge after a long hard year. Once again celebrate my birthday in a foreign land.
Those plans and plane tickets were cancelled shortly after Lulu broke her leg. I knew I could no leave her while she was still recovering. I cancelled the trip not knowing the road would get more complicated with the amputation and subsequent brush with death.
Would I change my decision? Hell no. I need to be here with my little girl. This morning she sneaked into the office closet where her treats live and helped herself to two big bones. Striding from the office to the great room, Lulu kept her eyes straight ahead walked by me like she was invisible. Those are the antics of my perfectly healthy Lulu.
So while my heart isn't swelling with the anticipation and excitement of getting on a plane to destinations unknown, I am filled with happiness and true joy that my little hound girl is finally back to herself. Sri Lanka and India will always be there, my time with my baby hound girl is finite (Lord knows this was a huge reminder) and I rearranged my priorities based on that understanding.
15 October 2011
leaps and bounds
Lulu is making great progress!
On Tuesday, we had an appointment with her internal medicine doc. The appointment was filled with great news! The doc was thrilled and amazed at her progress. No further surgery required at this time! Yippee! No exploratory surgery! Finishing up pills to get to the point where Lulu will only be on one super heavy duty antibiotic. She gained two pounds in a week! Our next appointment is in two weeks.
While she was recovering from her first surgery when the metal plate and bolts were installed, my only prayer was that my baby would be able to play and be active again. Even though not in the way I had envisioned, God answered my prayers.
Right now, Lulu is actively playing with her toys. Playing like she did prior to August 23rd. She is learning how to compensate for the missing back leg, but Lulu is playing again. She is running a bit again. The smile on my face is so wide that my cheeks hurt.
On Tuesday, we had an appointment with her internal medicine doc. The appointment was filled with great news! The doc was thrilled and amazed at her progress. No further surgery required at this time! Yippee! No exploratory surgery! Finishing up pills to get to the point where Lulu will only be on one super heavy duty antibiotic. She gained two pounds in a week! Our next appointment is in two weeks.
While she was recovering from her first surgery when the metal plate and bolts were installed, my only prayer was that my baby would be able to play and be active again. Even though not in the way I had envisioned, God answered my prayers.
Right now, Lulu is actively playing with her toys. Playing like she did prior to August 23rd. She is learning how to compensate for the missing back leg, but Lulu is playing again. She is running a bit again. The smile on my face is so wide that my cheeks hurt.
05 October 2011
the sun is peeking through
I am ever so exhausted on all levels.
Finally, I feel that I can breath because Lulu had a good check up at the internal medicine doc's.
While I felt I was seeing great progress, I felt so much better when all the doctors and staff's comments mirrored my own.
She is better. Lulu is an amazing little girl.
We have finally turned the corner and are on the road to recovery.
Finally, I feel that I can breath because Lulu had a good check up at the internal medicine doc's.
While I felt I was seeing great progress, I felt so much better when all the doctors and staff's comments mirrored my own.
She is better. Lulu is an amazing little girl.
We have finally turned the corner and are on the road to recovery.
03 October 2011
Tomorrow marks week six. An anniversary of sorts around here. Six weeks since our lives changed in a brief second when Lulu broke her leg.
During my terror of a Sunday, Lulu had responded well to treatment and was showing signs of improvement on Monday morning. Last Wednesday, Lulu was released from ICU. A very happy day. While she was very, very thin, Lulu was finally home with me.
Friday we had a check up with her internal medicine doc. Saturday morning, her internal medicine doc called with the results of Lulu's culture. The big, bad bacteria we have to battle is MRSA. My heart sank when the internal medicine doc said that horrible word. New, super antibiotics were prescribed and I made sure Lulu was eating them immediately.
Upon coming home from the antibiotic pickup, a new development presented itself - muscle coming through a draining hole. Dying tissue and a phone call to the emergency vet yielded a road trip to the ICU office. The hott emergency vet took care of us. Dead tissue removed, both Lulu and I happy.
Sunday morning, I awoke to find more dead tissue coming out of the drainage hole. My heart sank once again; this time with the thought of surgical intervention looming. Calls again to the ICU. Another trip to the ICU.
Due to the MSRA issue, we were sequestered to an exam room and had to wait until the place was cleared. Hott doc took care of us again. He was pleased with the amount of tissue removed. Several hours later, we were back home.
This morning I braced myself for more dead tissue. But Lulu was all clear and had rosy pink skin. Hopefully we are finally turning the corner. I am especially hopeful since we walked to the mailbox and Lulu handled the walk better than she did after three weeks of a broken leg. Maybe the worst is finally behind us.
Thank you for all your prayers for my sweet little girl.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
During my terror of a Sunday, Lulu had responded well to treatment and was showing signs of improvement on Monday morning. Last Wednesday, Lulu was released from ICU. A very happy day. While she was very, very thin, Lulu was finally home with me.
Friday we had a check up with her internal medicine doc. Saturday morning, her internal medicine doc called with the results of Lulu's culture. The big, bad bacteria we have to battle is MRSA. My heart sank when the internal medicine doc said that horrible word. New, super antibiotics were prescribed and I made sure Lulu was eating them immediately.
Upon coming home from the antibiotic pickup, a new development presented itself - muscle coming through a draining hole. Dying tissue and a phone call to the emergency vet yielded a road trip to the ICU office. The hott emergency vet took care of us. Dead tissue removed, both Lulu and I happy.
Sunday morning, I awoke to find more dead tissue coming out of the drainage hole. My heart sank once again; this time with the thought of surgical intervention looming. Calls again to the ICU. Another trip to the ICU.
Due to the MSRA issue, we were sequestered to an exam room and had to wait until the place was cleared. Hott doc took care of us again. He was pleased with the amount of tissue removed. Several hours later, we were back home.
This morning I braced myself for more dead tissue. But Lulu was all clear and had rosy pink skin. Hopefully we are finally turning the corner. I am especially hopeful since we walked to the mailbox and Lulu handled the walk better than she did after three weeks of a broken leg. Maybe the worst is finally behind us.
Thank you for all your prayers for my sweet little girl.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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