Making Me Tick

Found today at CheddarX:

1. What are your numbers?
11 and 8

2. What are your words?
for the outside world: groovy, alrighty then, girlfriend, exactly, adventure
inside my head: desire, love, togetherness, wanting, adventure

3. What are your names?
mousie, honey, darling, bitch

4. What are your days?
holidays, special occasions

5. What are your colors?
red

6. What are your flavors?
anything hot 'n spicy

7. What are your scents?
niki de sainte phalle

8. What are your sounds?
waves hitting the beach, whispers in bed

Blindsided by my emotions

So Montana Man has been back in my life more lately - in the weird friends and lovers capacity.

Well, it started because he was sick - in the hospital kind of sick and then there was a bunch of paperwork to put together for the lawyer. Of course because we'd been together through all the legal uprisings, I assisted because we had a year of information to put together.

Before I left for the funeral, I spent the night with him. We had "the talk" about conducting this friends with bennies setup and that was interesting. Some days the words he uses and the tense those words are in make it tough... and example is the phase "i want this forever" sneaks across his lips. That night we had a fun time with the little blue pills. Who knew?!

We have been working through the legal stuff. He told me I am his best friend. WTF?!?! We spent Saturday together - he had the girls. I was greeted at the door by the girls with great excitement. We bought them a dog. Of course the man selling the dog thought we were one happy family. Several people at Petsmart assumed the same. We hung out at home with the new puppy just like a family would - like we should have been.

Saturday was tough because the perfect fit feeling is still there. I am pretty sure he feels it too because he is hanging back a bit again. I thought I was over it but all these feelings came rushing back and blindsided me. I wasn't expecting it. The overwhelming sadness that the day was wonderful and full of all my dreams unfolding but yet it is not going to be my reality. That part of my life is over but it felt wonderful in a bitter sweet kind of way - just like the candy described in Because of Win-Dixie. The house full of kids, the new puppy, making dinner - all the minutia I never thought I could love... all the minutia I want more than anything...

Some days I wish I knew where this story line of my life is going. It would be easier. All questions would have their answer. My wondering mind could chill out.

Why can't I just say goodbye?

Funeral Tales

Last week, my trip to the funeral was uneventful and ever so heart breaking. Goofy Buddy looked nothing like himself but I did say get to tell him "see ya later gator".

I polished off a bottle of Trader Joe's infamous Charles Shaw wine on the night of the wake. It was simply necessary. While Trader Joe's was full of shiny bottles beckoning me to place them in my basket, I was sad that the ban on liquids on airplanes would squash the bulk of my fun. However, I could not resist the small jar of ginger sauce that had to come home with me neatly tucked in the checked luggage.

The funeral was to begin at 10 AM. I got there at 9:30. As the clock crept closer to the appointed hour, no one, save two or three others, were in the church with me. I began to wonder if I was at the right place?! Weddings start late, but usually funerals are punctual. This one started about 15 minutes late.

Walking out of church, I saw The Leech and I lost it. I would have never predicted it - but I saw him and the tears came pouring out of me - uncontrollably. The Leech was actually quite nice. After Goofy Buddy was planted, we went to a late lunch. While it was a little cautious, it was ok.. and I know that made Goofy Buddy quite happy.

The oddest part of it all was that several people were taking photos throughout the wake, funeral service, and the actual burial. I wouldn't want photos of my dead body taken. Would you put those photos in a scrapbook. I found it odd and a little morbid.

Of course, the greyhound caused trouble while I was away. She ate some other dog medication and an overdose ensued. I couldn't do anything from a thousand miles away but dream about the big vet bill that would result.

It's been a wild week here - lots of work - lots of progress - lots and lots. And never fear, there are some MM tales too... but I'll save that for tomorrow.

How to make a day disappear

Yesterday was hell. Pure and simple.

Due to the event roller coaster of yesterday, I keep thinking today is Tuesday as opposed to the Wednesday that it truly is.

Yesterday started off with a bang. The mute mobile phone rings. It is friends from Chicago, who I have have been thinking of a lot recently. It is The Wife Friend using the The Husband Friend's mobile. Ok - they need better names than that... Wifey and Goofy Buddy... not brilliant but getting better.

Wifey tells me that she has some bad news. I know deep within my heart what she is about to say but I refuse to believe it - her hubby, my Goofy Buddy is dead.

Immense unspeakable sadness comes over me immediately. My heart is so heavy, it now resides in my feet. Goofy Buddy wasn't able to fight his cancer any more. He was only 40.

Goofy Buddy was exactly that - a goofy guy with the biggest heart in the world - a truly dear friend. The only friend of my ex-husband (The Leech) who remained my friend post-divorce.

Speaking of divorce, I had to call the Leech to let him know about Goofy Buddy. Of course, the phone number I had for him promptly informed me the number had been disconnected. I sent an email but didn't know when or if The Leech would check it. So I called the least offensive of The Leech's friends for his phone number. It was a painful call and no number was received but I asked for the message to be relayed. That was definitely above and beyond the call of duty but I did it anyway.

Tomorrow I am getting on the plane to go to the funeral. I should have went to see Goofy Buddy when he was alive but going now is what I can do to honor the special place he held in my life.

Then Montana Man is having health issues. Lovely. Even though we are not dating, I still care about his overall health, especially since surgery may be required.

Then work continued to mount and is getting quite ugly. I have been working 12 hour days all week. I am burnt out!

Then I check the RSVP list for my dinner tonight. I am floored. A bad blast from my recent dating past is going to attend. I'd been looking forward to this dinner for weeks and poof! Vintage Luxury Car Man is going to be there - it is a small restaurant and only a group of 40. I am crushed. The background is that he was a dull date - dinner at 5:45 (if I was 5 minutes late, he'd ring the phone off the hook), a hockey game, then part ways. A girl's gotta eat but then I had enough. Since I do believe in dating karma, I broke it off stating I needed to get over my divorce and realized I wasn't ready to date yet. well.... Vintage Luxury Car Man did not take no for an answer - he harassed me for weeks to "still be friends." I said no and eventually stopped responding because he. just. didn't. get. it!

So I thought I would go early to be sure to enlist girl pal help to position myself safely. Well, he was there already but I did not acknowledge him. I was proud of myself but I feared opening the door again and I am so not going there.

I survived. He stared at me all night to try to engage in making eye contact to open the door and I didn't play. Some guy sat near me and later I find out that he has a tendency to stalk. Yes - leave it to me to have him talk to me all night. Oh well.

Then I get home to find that The Confused ex-coworker freak has pinged me twice. I haven't talked about the whole Confused Ex-Coworker Freak ordeal - that will be coming - I promise - because it is another can only happen to me story. Dear God - why all the weirdos! I just x'd out the conversation window and pretended that it never existed.

Then I couldn't sleep because I was hopped up on chai tea - obviously caffeinated. I finally fell asleep at 4 AM. The alarm went off at 5:30 AM because Wednesday is a gym day.

Hence why today feels like Tuesday.

Stampede

Wednesday night was my big night out this week. It was a slow week on the social front. But as is usual here, it is feast or famine; you see, next week I am booked Tues, Weds, and Thurs.

In my new be social and get out there mindset, I went to drag queen bingo with the group. I was so proud of myself for being there on time. woo hoo. Of course, I end up sitting down and get joined by an older man waiting for his blind date to arrive. I have switched cocktail of choice from vodka tonic to rum and diet coke - have to save calories somehow and I justify it with diet coke.

Drag queen bingo was a disappointment. This troupe was no where near as good as my hairdresser and his buddy who ran drag queen bingo at another nearby bar. However, there was a huge bright point - a Brit gal who moved here this spring and she brought a ton of Cadbury with her - heavenly curly wurlys to be specific - nirvana, heaven and much needed as I am in full press PMS mode. Needless to say, I am now craving UK Cadbury goodies. I feel an order will be placed next month.

After Drag Queen Bingo, I joined two other gals for ladies night at a country bar. I'd never been to this place but decided to go because what the hell. After Montana Man exposure, I have learned of this thing called country music. Expanding my horizons, plus the stock show is still in town so there was the added bonus of real cowboy encounters.

But this is my life. Do any hottie cowboys hit on me? Of course not. But who hits on me immediately - BORAT! Story of my existence - first to get hit on of the girls - but it is fucking Borat - swear - absolutely no lie - and Borat is all up in my personal space. I shot that down instantaneously. Get in my face and ignore the one foot personal space rule and you don't have a chance. Blatant rudeness is something I cannot tolerate.

Had fun getting to know a new gal pal - I am excited at the prospect of actually acquiring new friends. On the way home (approx. 1:30 AM), I decided to call up MM. No, I was not drunk dialing or drunk driving for that matter. When MM used to travel for work, he'd always call at 1, 2, 3 AM to talk after he'd been out boozing. Well, I decided it was time for a little pay back. Even though it was a short conversation, it felt empowering.

Of course, getting up a few short hours later wasn't so much fun but I survived.

Am I Too Late?

Yesterday evening I was straightening my hair. I am so in love with my new straightening iron - the type of love that is forbidden. As if to be able to straighten but maintain body and put a little curl on the ends to boot!

However, while enjoying the hair love that only the Wingo Onyx can provide, I noticed the gray hairs. on. my. head. It made me sick. Before it was the stray one or two - but now - there are more - many more. Alas, I am getting old.

There were the two nasty little motherfuckers who decided to grow right in front of my face - as if to make in roads to serve as a daily reminder. But there are more - on my crown - and a few of them were LONG! As to mock me and show me that they, the gray hairs are here and proud and have been secretly growing on my head without my knowledge. If it weren't for my highlights, I wonder how much worse the situation truly is!?!?

The motherfucker gray hairs are a reminder than even though I look pretty good - in fact am often told I look much younger than 32 - age really is advancing on me. My clock is ticking. Just yesterday I heard a radio commercial about becoming an egg donor - the maximum age is 32! Fuck!

The whole point is that my clock finally turned on. Is finally ticking. Which is scary. On a monumental scale. However, leave it to me to be a late bloomer - err, I mean late ticker.

Damn, why am I always late?

Why I continue to put up with you

The other night you asked why I continue to put up with you? That has been a question I have asked myself a lot in the past several months as well. Usually not understanding why myself.

Needless to say, I have been noodling on it for a bit. Poof! This morning in the shower, answers start flowing as the water fell from the shower head.

It all stems from knowing how much you truly understand me and vice versa. I have never met anyone who understands me - knows me - the intrinsic, deep down me.

In my 32 years of life, I have never come across anyone who understood and I never had to explain or reason. Sure, some people understand certain facets of me. But soup to nuts, the only person to have that breath of understanding is you. And it is wonderful to finally have a person in my life who gets me like that regardless of our relational plane of being.

There aren't many of us - you and me - out here in this big, beautiful world. So filled with drive, ambition, willingness to get things done; to be brimming with goals and dreams and making those brilliant flits of light and hope into something tangible. But under all that - the persona in good clothes, perfectly coiffed - lies sensitive, caring individuals who keep their vulnerability tucked safely under the surface. There is a level of trust we share because we both feel safe enough to share our vulnerabilities with each other - we understand its sacredness.

To know at my core that you understand the road I travel, the challenges that surface, the tenderness that lies under the armor is why I continue to put up with you.

To not have to say anything but yet I know what you need is why I continue to put up with you.

It is that special friendship we share - kindred spirits - that is why I continue to put up with you.

A Tarot a Day

Saw this over at Jennifer's World and couldn't resist doing it myself.

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Noodling on MM

My emotions have been up and down a bit yesterday and today. A dash of confusion, sporadic heart pangs (all Montana Man related - of course), throw in a little PMS and we have a Gyrl who's a little more sensitive than usual.

I have been noodling on what to post all day. Noodled or not, I still am not able to concoct a cohesive idea. I know you are tired of hearing about Montana Man - quite frankly, I am tired of it too. Especially since I have never taken a break up so hard before. I don't feel as confused and heart sick as I did yesterday, which is positive. I talked poor Shell's ear off about it today - two hours worth - I love that gyrl!

It is Montana Man's mixed messages that throw me. I know this is the problem, why it is difficult for me. He says "we are friends", then he says "I love you", then he kisses me, and then he goes back to the beginning - wash, rinse, repeat. This is a flow chart!

This afternoon, I needed to talk with Montana Man before calling back the auto broker. I called and MM answered the phone - the weirdness is how he answered the phone - as if to be chipper and happy it was me on the line. He had to call me back due to an incoming work call he was receiving. MM actually did call me back and we talked. He sounded in good spirits. We chatted. Men!

Well. What's next. Gotta keep on moving onward and upward. That's for sure.

I am so tired of all this fucking snow! Today we got a little more snow but it was the bitter below zero coldness that did me in. I need good weather again so I can go out and socialize!! Please send the sun back to Denver - please!

Oh, What A Night

Last night at 9:27, the phone rang. I was in bed reading. Contacts out, pjs on, face washed, dogs tucked in, 1/2 a Tylenol PM consumed. The evening was done for me.

It was Montana Man. His voice sounded terrible. He cautiously asked if I would meet him for a beer. Because of what I heard in his voice, I agreed.

So I got dressed in my new size 8 jeans and medium tee. Applied a quick dash of make up, kennelled the hounds, and was out the door.

He was already at the bar when I arrived. He looked like shit. His eyes were so tired. Hell warmed over. Hugged. He checked me out - seeing as I have lost a bunch of weight and had purposely chosen items that emphasized it.

Coors Light all around. Then the talking began. MM told me he was tired. He is going to the Daytona time trials at the end of the month to decompress. He kept emphasizing he was going by himself.

He showed me the facilities his new company is going to purchase. His face lit up a bit when I asked questions and showed genuine interest. MM shifted around in his chair a bit, looked at the floor then said he had to tell me something and didn't know how to but he had to tell me. All the build up only for it to be that a bit ago he had dated a chick for a couple of weeks. He broke it off quickly and stated it didn't feel right. MM continued by assuring me he knew I'd been on a couple dates. To this I replied that I honestly haven't; dating is not on my priority list at this time - cultivating friendships is my priority. However, I did tell him that men have hit on me from time to time, which has been ego boost enough for this girl.

MM apologized profusely about all he'd put me through. I am done with being sorry and told him so.

Next item was that our friendship means so much more to him than our relationship did. I am the one person in this world he can count on to listen to him. Profuse thanks and gratitude for meeting him tonight were uttered.

He asked why I continue to speak with him, put up with him. For that I did not have an answer at the time. Honestly, some days - no, most days -I don't know why myself.

A beer later, he pulled me closer to him. Waited a bit. Then tried to kiss me - which caught me off guard. I simply looked at him. Of course, later we ended up cementing that kiss.

MM went on and on about our friendship. We talked about the gyrls a bit. We talked about my life some; however, I focused the conversations on MM because I knew he had to talk.

"Wanderlust Gryl, I know you better than you will ever know and I know that you know me better than anyone else." The magnet between us is still strong - and we are both powerless against it. There's this spark that ignites - we both sense it - however, neither of us speaks of it. I truly believe our souls recognize each other - that's our bond. However, that recognition - what is it's importance?

The man I left the bar with was a vastly different man than I met there just a few hours earlier. He walked me to my car, where we proceeded to hug which turned into some passionate kiss action.

We went back to my house. Two consenting adults - yes. He was the man I fell in love with a year ago - the tender, caring, sweet man who looks like anything but those things. I missed him and that was why when he asked to stay overnight, I said yes. Because lately my king size bed has been empty. I needed to have his arms around me while I sleep.

Incredible sex ensued. Our perfect fit was brought up by him. Are you noticing the evening's pattern too? MM's pendulum swing between relationship states - togetherness vs friendship.

He still loves me - not simply because he told me so - but because I can still see the love in his eyes. But until he has got the rest of his life stable, there is no us.

While being held in his strong arms, MM asked me "Why does someone so pretty, smart and thin as you want some old, fat, ugly divorced man?"

I told him about what Breckenridge pal had got me thinking about - about us and a second go - but that he had already given me his answer earlier in the evening. But still I did verbalize it.

He thanked me for being there for him tonight. I told him that if he simply wanted a booty call, it'd have been easier to state that from the beginning. I struck a nerve with him on that statement. He retorted he needed to talk - that was why he called - but getting laid was a surprisingly delightful perk. My reply - so I am only ears and a vagina to you. "No, Wanderlust, you most definitely aren't. You are so much more to me than just that."

I was growing tired but we continued to talk. He told me that if there were any loss on the Merc sale, he'd split the difference with me because the car was part of his responsibility. He spoke of the fact that I have stuck by him a lot longer and through more shit than he'd expected me too. Another topic he brought up was the monetary part - how much he appreciated it to get him through - I told him I shared it with him because I loved him and he needed it at the time. Somehow him being a topic with my therapist came up - he didn't know he was - duh! He said something about me moving into the house, which I only vaguely remember, something about being put on the house as second owner - I know I replied "that's too much math for me right now."

I fell asleep for a bit but then was awake, my brain trying to process the entire evening. Lots of emotion everywhere. Our previous post-break up encounters have not been this emotionally charged. The mixed signals/messages really got me this time. I had been feeling nostalgic any way with January 17th being a year that we first met.

For the first time in a long time, he stayed in bed until 8:30 this morning. It was nice to have him by my side last night; however, it also reminds me of what I miss. Today I am a little sad. Also a little disappointed. A little confused. A little happy. All rolled into one.

My take away - the moral of sorts:

Montana Man does love me. But. He is not in a place for us to be anything more than friends right now. He may never be in a place for us to be anything other than simply friends. No matter what my heart feels, I cannot let it lead me because it won't lead me to a place I need to be. What is/was MM's purpose in my life? Why did he come into my life? I can't let this get to me. I have to accept it and not become emotionally attached - can't let it affect me emotionally.