Seeing Red

More yummy goodness from Jennifer's World....

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

Radiating Light

My inspiration of the moment has come into my world courtesy of The Killers' recent release - "Read My Mind."

It was one of those lightening bolt moments that hits - !poof! - words that define a thought, a feeling, or an emotion. That bolt hit me with the line " 'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine."

Those few words are exactly what I am looking for in a relationship. Montana Man would love to ask me what I wanted in our relationship and "I don't shine if you don't shine" is what I want. Shining is a two way street. And I want to shine brightly with someone else. Not just my shining or his shining but our radiating together.

My realization has put me one step closer to finding what I want... and for that I am shining a little brighter.

Palm Thursday

Here is my palm reading as found over at Jennifer's World... and it is fairly and surprisingly right on...


You have a logical hand. Your mental agility is dizzying. You are an extremely meticulous and organised person. Of course, this makes you the 'planning' maestro. Seems like holidaying is not your primary form of recreation. You are a stickler for perfection, but you can be a popular team player.

Your index finger is short. This makes you a dependable team player. A position of command is not for you. But you do have a keen eye for detail. You can be impulsive; not all your moves are quite rational. Look out! Stress could get the better of you. Your index finger being longer than your ring finger points to you being realistic but aggressive at the same time. Yet, you are not able to stand your ground at times. Your sense of judgement is finely balanced. Your middle finger being longer than the adjoining fingers in length signifies an even view towards life. You are extremely organised; seldom ever do you 'come apart' in any situation. You seem to have all stages of your life worked out to the last detail, and possess an unbiased and sagacious personality. You evaluate and analyse all your actions towards achieving your goals in life and get there through sheer dedication and will power. Your ring finger does not reach the base of the nail of your middle finger. You make an excellent team player and are able to operate effectively from a blueprint. Try to use your imagination more often. Your little finger is set evenly at the base with the middle finger. The scrupulousness in your personality is your finest asset. It leads you to take rational decisions. Your little finger does not reach the first flexure line (joint) of your ring finger. You are a shy introvert and speak only when spoken to. You are intelligent and knowledgeable, yet uncommunicative.

you have a logical hand. Your mental agility is dizzying. You are an extremely meticulous and organised person. Of course, this makes you the 'planning' maestro. Seems like holidaying is not your primary form of recreation. You are a stickler for perfection, but you can be a popular team player.

You have the twilight years to cherish. You have a long life span and will live to be at least 70. You are a wanderer and are comfortable about dwelling away from the family. You are farsighted and know exactly what to do with your life. Innovations fascinate you as long as they are positive.

Your headline is totally in contact with your lifeline. Your childhood was hemmed in due to your dominant parents. This could result in repercussions in times to come. Your headline ends in a fork. You contemplate deeply before executing plans. This trait is usually inherent in lawyers and authors. Your headline is medium straight. You are a highly rational individual. You are thought oriented and never act before thinking it through.

You are a solid person with fantastic reserves of energy. A doting parent and loyal friend, you are very protective towards those whom you love. Make sure you don't overdo this. The commitments you make are for keeps.

Since your fateline begins from your lifeline, your thoughts are congested, and your reaction to change is very hostile. A strong sense of heritage is entrenched in you.

Where Afternoon Takes You

After work yesterday, I met up with my new gal pal, Sparkles for happy hour. We had a grand time. It is so nice to have that girl camaraderie. Of course, consuming drinks on a very empty stomach - not so good - not so good at all.

Later on in the evening, caught up with Harry G. I am really liking him. We had a few more cocktails and then headed over to his place since sobering up was very much necessary.

Harry G. lives in your typical male loft situation. He shared photos of his family and shared part of his story, shared some of life growing up. He seems to be a sweet man. The scary part is that Harry G. appears to be relatively normal. Of course we all have baggage but on the surface, he looks like he has it together. Things are not as complicated as there are no kids or ever present ex-wives to wrangle with. It is wonderful to have that level of normalcy and calm.

I lazily woke up which escalated to a start when I realized it was 6 AM and Harry was next to me. Drunk gyrl must have passed out on him. I did a quick check - all clothes were still on - breathe huge sigh of relief. I really don't want to fuck things up. Harry was genuine about it all and took it in stride stating we both were tipsy last night. He did not try to take advantage of me as he very well could have. Any man who speaks of his rabbi and her husband can't be bad.

When I left, he walked me out to my car. He held my hand every step of the way. The surprising yet delightful part was when he referred to himself as my boyfriend. Those words had a nice ring to it. For the first time in my life, hearing those words did not make me want to run away. I did not into panic mode. That has been such a powerful realization for me. Rather than wanting to run away immediately, which would be my typical response, I felt so much delight in those words and look forward to embracing that. The Shrink would be so proud of me.

Who knew that a little happy hour could turn into a happy place? Who knew that all the little quirky things that make me who I am - the little things Montana Man did not like - Harry G. would enjoying drinking them in? Who knew that one Jewish man I randomly met would help me to realize the depth of my growth?

The Sorta Blind Date and Turning the Page

Last night I had dinner with my mentor. After years of a professional relationship and subsequent friendship, we finally met each other face-to-face. She was no where near the picture I had developed in my mind, even though I had seen a few photos of her. It was very much like meeting a blind date as I cautiously walked toward the only woman standing outside the hotel lobby and asked her, "Is that you?" She was of course just as fabulous in person as she has always been on the phone.

Upon arriving back home after a heavenly dinner, I was disappointed to check the caller id and see that no one had called while I was out. Harry Goldenblatt had said he'd call on Monday and I was sad to see he hadn't. I was disappointed because I thought I must have misread our date. I had thought he had a great time.

I was home about 20 minutes and the phone rang. Much to my surprise, Harry was on the other end of the phone. He was having a busy day at work but wanted to sneak away for a few minutes to give me a call because he "said he would." A man who keeps his word - bonus points.

Because he was sneaking away, we spoke briefly. He said he had a great time the other night and hoped we could go out again. I affirmed this and I could hear the happiness in his voice resulting from my answer. I honestly did have fun. Harry seems to be genuine. But everything I see right now is superficial and I recognize that - so not placing stock in anything yet.

So, we'll see where the Harry story goes next... I don't know about you, but I am definitely ready for another good story.

What's Important?

so, the date with Harry Goldenblatt...

it was a lot of fun. go get 'em personality. tall - which is a big turn on because this girl loves her heels. digging me. a hand holder. a sparkle in his eye. not a sit at home kind of guy.

Get-up-and-go is very important to me. Funny how the more frogs I kiss, the more I know what makes or breaks a deal fairly quickly. Harry - totally my scene; the guy that Shell set me up with - even less, this is in addition to the TMI phone conversation we had in which I discovered he is totally and completely desperate.

Harry made me realize that Shell's guy is a train wreck waiting to happen. I met Harry on Friday, he immediately got on my calendar for Sunday. Shell's guy is still trying to figure out a plan after two weeks. Initiative - a biggie in my book. Confidence - mandatory.

Harry has been married; Shell's guy hasn't. Being over 35 and never married raises big red flags to me. Not just commitment issues - there are a whole slew of issues that cause such a situation. But if a man has been married before, it tends to be a more "normal" (i am using the word loosely) dating experience - they tend to get it a little more than the confirmed bachelor types.

Is Harry the be all, end all? I am not saying that. Is Harry a fun guy who I would like to get to know a little better? Definitely.

I am ready to have fun again. I am feeling vibrant. I am ready to roll with whatever stumbles across my path. I am ready.

Mardi Gras

Last night was a pub crawl for Mardi Gras. And pub crawl to remember, it was. The man magnet that has suddenly turned on was in full force last night. It was fabulous. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. I have never had men walk up to me out of the blue and tell me that I am beautiful. It is a nice change of pace.

Met one man who was interested enough in moi to ask me out for tomorrow. Wow - it has been awhile since I have been on a real, honest-to-God date. I am actually looking forward to it since this man had a personality last night. He will be called Harry as in Harry Goldenblatt from Sex and the City because - well - that is who he looks like. I kept looking at Harry and knew he looked familiar - and he made a comment about it and that is when - blink! - the lights went on. He knew the show because I was compared to Charlotte.... hee hee, smart man to know the show.

So we'll see how the date thing goes. Hopefully there will be a good story or two out of it!

a point of view

Robin Williams says in Good Will Hunting, “You’re waiting to find out if she’s perfect. I’ve got news for you- she’s not. And neither are you. But what really matters is if you’re perfect for each other.”

Without the Title

We are dating without the title - that is honestly what it comes down to - but I am not getting attached like I did. I am not believing like I did. I am not hoping like I did. I am not dreaming like I did.

I spent a week night with him, the girls, and the new puppy. I have not been invited over for a weeknight in a long time. I spent last night with him. In the middle of the night as I slept in his embrace, he asked me to make love to him. Not the fuck me that has crossed his lips before.

His time on eHarmony has been less than stellar - as he told me it has proven to be a waste of money and the chicks are stuck up. From last night's bar tale, I don't think he is having much luck meeting anyone out in the real world either. Of course following me, she would have to be pretty stellar - and you just don't stumble across a Wanderlust Gyrl every day. I think he is figuring that out. or he is just really lonely... that is a good assumption to make.

Things are changing but I know deep within my heart it means nothing - that is the saddest part - knowing that hope in futile - so I have brushed hope out of the way.

The girls still love me very much - oh how wonderful it is to see them light up when I walk in the house. Those children will always be so special to me. I am okay with being their auntie as opposed to their step-monster. Auntie is good - it is an important role for me to play in their lives.

Up, up and away... on to brighter pastures.

I have lost a few more pounds. Clothes I have not worn in years are fitting again. I am very happy with that. I am happy with myself again. I knew the weight gain fucked with my head but I never realized the extent until now - I am so happy in my skin again - I feel whole - I feel more like myself - all the things I identify as being me are coming back - a few pounds here and there need to go but to be fitting in my 34B bras again is pure delight.

With each day, I am getting closer to me. Only thing is this time it is me with improvements.

Last night I called the man that Shell wanted to set me up with. It was a pleasant conversation - I need to get off the wagon and date a bit. Somehow though dating is not high on my priority list - not because MM and I are engaging in weirdness - I need friends more so than someone to buy me dinner is all.

I have a house to clean and work things to write up! Off I go to do the things that keep me employed - while it may not be the life I dreamed of - I am learning to love life again.

Making Me Tick

Found today at CheddarX:

1. What are your numbers?
11 and 8

2. What are your words?
for the outside world: groovy, alrighty then, girlfriend, exactly, adventure
inside my head: desire, love, togetherness, wanting, adventure

3. What are your names?
mousie, honey, darling, bitch

4. What are your days?
holidays, special occasions

5. What are your colors?
red

6. What are your flavors?
anything hot 'n spicy

7. What are your scents?
niki de sainte phalle

8. What are your sounds?
waves hitting the beach, whispers in bed