What a Week!?!

This week has been a weird one. Highs, lows, and every fucking emotion in between.

This week I learned that Karma really does exist and Karma is definitely my type of girl. When you do evil things to a person you supposedly love above all others, Karma does keep count and strikes when you least expect and in a way even my most nasty, vengeful scorpion heart could never have hoped for. Karma truly is a bitch and I am so thankful she was watching all the hell you put me through - you are finally getting yours.

This week I discovered I am the keeper of secrets. My friends tell me their secrets and I must keep these small but significant items to myself. I have found myself pondering why I get to be the trusted one with such knowledge.

This week I learned that the Harry relationship is still on an unsure path. While things seem to be better, I do not feel that he is back in the game 100-percent. We had a good Thursday and Friday. But then I am out of town again next week, so it is any one's guess.

This week I learned I am so lucky to have my girlfriend. Wednesday night was happy hour with my girlie pal was fab - we had excellent girlie chat over fab martinis. I asserted my inner passionate feminist when the female bartender was getting trashed by the arrogant male wait staff. I could not sit by and let the injustice go without saying something.

This week I learned I am a compassionate person. As I pulled into the driveway after cocktails, I got a phone call. Yes, it was Montana Man. Something sounded off in his voice. Not drunk, something else, something not quite right. After much soul searching and contemplation, I went over there to check on him. It was much worse than I could have imagined. I had to hunt for the dog. I found out the story of how he arrived at such a state. Yet another secret I must keep because he trusts me with his inner most thoughts; because he knows I completely understand.

I learned more than I could have ever imagined... once again, my girl Karma was on the scene. MM told me things I would have killed to hear months ago, pre-therapy, pre-moved on to happier place in life. Tasty tid-bits I learned, in no particular order:

• MM has had three girlfriends since he broke up with me
• Of said girlfriends, he has lost all of them because of me - no one can compare to me
• I am the only person in this world who cares about him no matter what
• Of said girlfriends, all were upset because he spoke of me - his best friend - and all wanted me out of the picture, to which he refused
• MM has always wanted to marry me, his life is with me
• According to him, we fit perfectly together in all aspects
• MM has been sad in the house all along because it was supposed to be our home
• His friends call him the 3-month wonder because he cannot have a relationship that survives beyond 3 months, but his friends all remember me as the only one to go the distance with MM

I learned that MM wants to try again. Slowly. Dating. Slowly. While I consented, I remain unsure. I do not feel the time is quite right. MM's life is falling apart and that equates to more stress. I do not want to enter the scene when stress is high.

This week I learned that I am so much stronger and my mind is clear in the face of the above confessions. For that clarity, I am thankful. Deep within the recesses of my soul, I know MM and I are entwined with some level of destiny. We both have known that. Always. With us it is always a timing issue. Now I am cognisant of the timing and will work with that conscious knowledge. I am closer to being a whole person, true to myself. MM needs to get there too on his own.

This week I learned a lot. Whew!

hoping for empathy

i have been working my ass off... i only wish the pounds would be disappearing too. the every other week travel is kicking me around. then the obligations on the home front. trying to keep balance has not been easy.

i hope things on a personal front do not fall apart. a regular, rather aggressive traveling schedule is difficult for a person who has never done such travel himself to understand. until you have walked in my shoes, how can one understand?

i hardly heard from harry last week, which concerns me. i don't think he understands. and what he does believe from his experience is so not me - - he saw this before in the form of a workaholic, which i am so very not. there is a difference between a workaholic and doing what is expected of you. there is a line and i have not crossed to the workaholic side. just because i am surrounded by workaholics does not mean i am one. i don't enjoy the long hours and all that is entailed some days. a comment from harry last night got me feeling a need to clarify that.

wonder if i will see harry tonight. honestly i am not entirely sure right now... i know i have been a little standoffish since i got home on friday night. i have to work through that, probably need to acknowledge it... i have just been really tired...

more tomorrow...

Birthday Wiki

Snagged from Emily...

1. Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (month and day only): November 8

2. List events that occurred on that day of interest to you:

• 1519 - Hernán Cortés enters Tenochtitlán and Aztec ruler Moctezuma welcomes him with great pomp as would befit a returning god.
• 1793 - In Paris, the French Revolutionary government opens the Louvre to the public as a museum.
• 1864 - U.S. presidential election, 1864: Abraham Lincoln is reelected in an overwhelming victory over George McClellan.
  1889 - Montana is admitted as the 41st U.S. state.
• 1917 - People's Commissars gives authority to Lenin, Trotsky and Stalin
  1923 - Beer Hall Putsch: In Munich, Adolf Hitler leads the Nazis in an unsuccessful attempt to overthrow the German government.
• 1989 - Hong Kong's MTR Lam Tin Station came into service.

3. List a few birthdays:

• 1656 (N.S.) - Edmond Halley, British astronomer and mathematician (d. 1742)
• 1836 - Milton Bradley, American game manufacturer (d. 1911)
• 1847 - Bram Stoker, Irish novelist (d. 1912)
• 1900 - Margaret Mitchell, American author (d. 1949)
• 1961 - Leif Garrett, American singer
• 1966 - Gordon Ramsay, British chef
• 1968 - Parker Posey, American actress
• 1975 - Tara Reid, American actress
• 1985 - Jack Osbourne, American television star

4. List a death:

• 1978 - Norman Rockwell, American illustrator (b. 1894)

5. List a holiday or observance (if any):

• Saint Michael's Day in Greece and Cyprus and to those of Greek Orthodox faith worldwide
• Saint Demetrius Day (Mitrovdan) in Bosnia and Herzegovina

How Do I Know?

Many people that I speak with often say that when you meet the right one, "you just know."

However, how do you "just know?"

Is it because I haven't met that "just know" person yet? Or is it a myth perpetuated by our society?

In my ski adventure with Harry, there were many statements made on his part about the cosmic coincidences that we share. His "you just knows" ever so slightly veiled. But how do I know? I thought I knew twice but once ended in divorce and the second ended in utter heart break. So how do I know?

I do not trust words any more. I do not read anything into the deep professions of undying love. I enjoy it but do not bank on it. But there is a deep, genuine vibration that rings from Harry's words and actions that I cannot deny. And that vibration attracts me, speaks to my soul.

Harry shares his thoughts with me. Harry speaks his heart to me. Harry. Harry is willing to make himself vulnerable with me. While I cautiously give my heart, I still wonder how will I know?

Have you ever just known? And has it worked out?

On my mind...

I guess I am shocked at myself for truly liking Harry.

Let me explain because that sentence does not sound very good standing alone up there.

After living through hell and back with Montana Man, I am surprised at how easily I opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship again. And it was easy with a seemingly good person. It was so easy because my therapy worked. To me, feeling 'fixed' and living 'fixed' are different. While I have felt fixed, with Harry, I am seeing in action that I am truly, honestly living fixed. My mind and actions are in sync. And I am truly delighted, overjoyed, and eternally pleased.

Harry. Just maybe I could be Charlotte. At least for a little while.

I am happy to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I look forward to receiving his emails. This weekend, it will be a month that we first met. In talking this weekend, there were numerous aspects of him that truly appealed and endeared me to him.

I have found myself wanting to share the silly little pieces of my day with him. And in that respect, I have never been much of a sharer. Harry laughs and that alone ever so delights me. He can joke.

I am looking forward to seeing him tonight. In fact, I cannot wait!

Whirlwind Weekend

It was a whirlwind weekend once I stepped off the plane on Friday night. And the whirlwind was wonderful.

Harry. Harry Goldenblatt.

My feet remain planted on terra firma; however, it is wonderful to be twirled around. To have someone gaze at me with stars twinkling in his eyes. Wanting to touch my hand. The security of being held.

Conversations that would have immediately thrust me into sabotage mode did not phase me. The shrink would be so proud because I most certainly am. We covered a lot of territory over many hours. He slept in my bed for two nights and no horizontal shenanigans ensued... not because he did not try.

He left stating that he feels so much closer to me now. Both days, he did not want to leave. It makes me happy when people feel so comfortable in my home.

I looked at him to figure out where my attraction for him stems... and it is his eyes. His kind, gentle eyes and what appears to be his genuine gentle heart.

He's a doer, doesn't believe in solely sitting in front of the television for entertainment. I am actually looking forward to hiking this summer. He is making plans for us and I am embracing those plans.

I learned about Jewish wedding traditions. His family's philosophy about marrying outside the religion. My desire to live somewhere else and possible locations. How he got to where he is today - the many facets of that simple yet complex question.

After our weekend of togetherness, Harry shared with me that he spoke at length about me to his family.

Harry Goldenblatt likes me. And you know what? I like Harry Goldenblatt too.

Week of the Hard Drive

What a week this has been?!?!

I started my new gig in SXSW land this week. Of course, I am going to miss SXSW by a day but I am learning to move beyond that. I have had my hard drive die not once but twice. Funny what the emotional toll is when one's hard drive goes bonkers.

I haven't done much exploring this week. I have been rather tired. Also, I am going to be out here a lot so maybe I am not OD'ing on the place right away because I do need to string my adventures out a bit.

I am brain dead. I am calling today quits.

Seeing Red

More yummy goodness from Jennifer's World....

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

Radiating Light

My inspiration of the moment has come into my world courtesy of The Killers' recent release - "Read My Mind."

It was one of those lightening bolt moments that hits - !poof! - words that define a thought, a feeling, or an emotion. That bolt hit me with the line " 'Cause I don't shine if you don't shine."

Those few words are exactly what I am looking for in a relationship. Montana Man would love to ask me what I wanted in our relationship and "I don't shine if you don't shine" is what I want. Shining is a two way street. And I want to shine brightly with someone else. Not just my shining or his shining but our radiating together.

My realization has put me one step closer to finding what I want... and for that I am shining a little brighter.

Palm Thursday

Here is my palm reading as found over at Jennifer's World... and it is fairly and surprisingly right on...


You have a logical hand. Your mental agility is dizzying. You are an extremely meticulous and organised person. Of course, this makes you the 'planning' maestro. Seems like holidaying is not your primary form of recreation. You are a stickler for perfection, but you can be a popular team player.

Your index finger is short. This makes you a dependable team player. A position of command is not for you. But you do have a keen eye for detail. You can be impulsive; not all your moves are quite rational. Look out! Stress could get the better of you. Your index finger being longer than your ring finger points to you being realistic but aggressive at the same time. Yet, you are not able to stand your ground at times. Your sense of judgement is finely balanced. Your middle finger being longer than the adjoining fingers in length signifies an even view towards life. You are extremely organised; seldom ever do you 'come apart' in any situation. You seem to have all stages of your life worked out to the last detail, and possess an unbiased and sagacious personality. You evaluate and analyse all your actions towards achieving your goals in life and get there through sheer dedication and will power. Your ring finger does not reach the base of the nail of your middle finger. You make an excellent team player and are able to operate effectively from a blueprint. Try to use your imagination more often. Your little finger is set evenly at the base with the middle finger. The scrupulousness in your personality is your finest asset. It leads you to take rational decisions. Your little finger does not reach the first flexure line (joint) of your ring finger. You are a shy introvert and speak only when spoken to. You are intelligent and knowledgeable, yet uncommunicative.

you have a logical hand. Your mental agility is dizzying. You are an extremely meticulous and organised person. Of course, this makes you the 'planning' maestro. Seems like holidaying is not your primary form of recreation. You are a stickler for perfection, but you can be a popular team player.

You have the twilight years to cherish. You have a long life span and will live to be at least 70. You are a wanderer and are comfortable about dwelling away from the family. You are farsighted and know exactly what to do with your life. Innovations fascinate you as long as they are positive.

Your headline is totally in contact with your lifeline. Your childhood was hemmed in due to your dominant parents. This could result in repercussions in times to come. Your headline ends in a fork. You contemplate deeply before executing plans. This trait is usually inherent in lawyers and authors. Your headline is medium straight. You are a highly rational individual. You are thought oriented and never act before thinking it through.

You are a solid person with fantastic reserves of energy. A doting parent and loyal friend, you are very protective towards those whom you love. Make sure you don't overdo this. The commitments you make are for keeps.

Since your fateline begins from your lifeline, your thoughts are congested, and your reaction to change is very hostile. A strong sense of heritage is entrenched in you.