kaput!

In both relationships and life, Patsy, trust begets trust.
Generosity begets generosity.
Love begets love.
Be the spark, especially when it's dark.
Hubba, hubba - The Universe

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I know you have heard me say these words before... but the words are sticking this time as there appears to be a method to the madness, a pattern.

The Southern Gentleman pushed me over the edge yesterday, on a day that was already particularly crappy. I just don't have years of cat and mouse games in me any more.

Yesterday I received an innocent little email from American Airlines with its weekend getaway fares. Oddly, for once, there is a flight between Austin and the South listed... for only $135. Practically free! Considering his last ticket here was over $400.

So off goes a little note with the link through cyber space.

His response, "that flight is pretty cheap......but i don't know if i can come" followed by a litany of excuses.

I have no patience for the excuses any more. He also shared with me a trip to South American that is on the horizon. Our Southern Gentleman could have easily asked me join him. But alas it was all about him and the damn business.

Of course after I make my declaration to the universe that I am done with the man, he called. As if to know I am done. We spoke but my heart's just not it in. Not any more.

It is high time I start casting my net closer to home with emotionally available and willing fish.

anniversaries

yesterday served as the one year mark that the pups and i loaded up the car and headed southeast to begin our austin adventure together. sixteen hours in the car, the pups becoming travelers, arriving to our rental house in the wee hours of the morning.

a year later and the big girl is still as happy as ever down here while the baby girl continues her immense dislike of the surroundings. unfortunately baby girl still looks depressed and missing her obnoxious spunk in all photos. i know she is just a dog, but it still makes me a bit sad that she has not adapted.

in a few short weeks, it will be the two year anniversary of my first trip down here. i am nothing short of amazed when i look back on my life and see the mountains of changes that have occurred since my first trip on march 5th. my world has changed so very much and the best part - all the changes are positive. i couldn't have dreamed this beautiful life any more perfect.

as i reflect on all the good that has come out of one assignment, it makes my heart sing that my girl, sulky is just starting a whole new wonderful adventure of her very own.

how very lucky are we?!!

been off

i have been feeling rather blah.

a serious case of the blahs is always concerning to me. considering my past track record.

i think it is time for an acupuncture tune up. however, i don't have an acupuncturist down here. and i really don't want to start over. but the time has come for me to suck it up and find a needler.

maybe a tune up. make working out a priority again. doing something - anything- once and for all to get that last ten ugly pounds off my ass.

just let all the shite of the world slide off my back more. all of it is meaningless noise.

meditating regularly too. that helps immensely.

there's the plan... now I just need to work it...

good news bears

Last night before the concert, my little text message ringer went off. My new phone was filled with good news! Alexander is officially cancer free!! Pathology reports were clean! Woo Hoo!!

What fabulous news after the past two weeks of hell. No radiation or chemo required either! WOO HOO!!

Life is delicious.

feeling is returning

A good night of sleep complete with snoring and whining pups made a world of difference in how I feel today. While not at the 100% mark, I am much closer than I was yesterday.

Settling back in, listening to my world a bit differently, it is all goodness. I can feel the subtle but palpable shift as a result of my weekend. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Even though The Southern Gentleman is making positive steps, I do need to put myself out there a bit more. A lot more actually. Not surrounded by a gaggle of girls either. Just need to find where my motivation is for that endeavor.

Tonight Eddie and I are off... concert bound... been sooo long since I have been to a concert like this! Cannot wait!!

the return

I am back home. The trip was short but absolutely hands-down jam packed. I am exhausted, drained on all fronts - physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like a glob of goo.

I feel very positive for Alexander's future. The surgery was a bear but seeing in the day after surgery and watching his progress made my heart sing.

The mini-retreat was very good. Lots of eye opening, many releases. I think release is going to be my theme word for awhile. The retreat setting was nothing short of amazing. Heaven on earth does exist because I was dwelling in it this weekend.

This morning there was a lovely and long email from The Southern Gentleman waiting for me. Maybe transformation is afoot in the universe?

good night my little chickadees!

it was time

The Southern Gentleman is still out of the country.

However, a piece of post from him was awaiting me at home.

My postcard.

It was short and to the point.

But my favorite part was the picture on the front of the card. It was a picture of my favorite (almost a patron saint of sorts if you will) Hindu god - Ganesha.

Seeing the picture of Ganesha restored my faith.

off

I am ...

Off the grid here shortly.

Off to get laptops re-imaged.

Off to the west coast.

Off to see a dear, dear pal.

Off to find a little bit of myself.

Off on an adventure.

time in hospitals

2009 has definitely started off with a bang!

It has been busier than I'd like with all sorts of medical crap. Everywhere I turn, it seems there is a 911 issue popping up.

First it was poor Edina taking a graceful fall at the rollerskating rink. The evening ended with a broken wrist, which required surgery of pins and plates to put it back together.

Next up, overlapping a bit with Eddie, was Alexander and his gallbladder. It required removal on the same day Eddie's pins and plates were added. Just when we were relieved that the pesky gallbladder was gone and Alexander and I would be on for our vision quest weekend, poof! Alexander's phone rings. His surgeon bore the news that Alexander's gallbladder was full of cancer. Yes. Cancer.

When I received that tidbit via voice mail, I felt all the air leave my lungs and the room itself. Shock, baby. My dear Alexander only just turned 33 at the beginning of the year. Disbelief ran high as Alexander and I have been friends since I was 17 years old. Our lives have taken us all over the space/time continuum but our friendship has only strengthened.

After a weekend of phone tag, we finally had a conversation on Sunday afternoon. We talked about the specifics. His first surgery was scheduled for the Saturday of our retreat. Since it has been moved again to tomorrow. I am happy that I am flying into LAX and will get to see him on Friday, even though he will be post-op.

My Alexander. After our conversation, I know he is going to be okay. I am happy with the timing as I feel it is crucially important that he and I are together, even if only for a few hours, through this. Our bond is one of those indescribable bonds.

He is going to be on bed rest for quite some time. I am going to go visit him and check in on him during that time. A few weekends to Cali isn't much. But more importantly, from the minute I received the news, thoughts of all my missteps with Goofy Buddy came to the forefront. I will not repeat that.

So Friday, I get to continue my court jester duties as I have for Edina's confinement. I cannot wait to see my Alexander and give him lots of grief about the hospital gown and the parts it doesn't cover... which is especially fitting since he is a gay man!

routine

Nothing makes me crankier than weight gain.

After being on cruise control maintenance, I found myself dumped off into lose it mode again. As I do not have a scale down here, I am going merely off the fact that some of my clothes are tight. And tight clothes push me over the edge.

I can pinpoint with exact precision exactly when this weight started creeping on - the surprise arrival of the parental units. The stress from that, my birthday, nicely followed up by the holidays lead me to this place.

Not helping the situation is my inability to establish any sort of routine at this house. At my home in CO, everything is effortless. In my previous Austin apartment, I had balance. But it is almost a year I have been in this house and I still feel that I am floundering. The imbalance doesn't help me to construct a healthy weight loss environment either.

However, I am resolved to establish balance and a semblance of routine at this place because seriously, a year is long enough. No more excuses! So I am eating regularly - yes, brekkie, lunch, dinner (no more forgetting to eat!). I purchased some exercise DVDs so I cannot be deterred by getting home in darkness. I have also purged all alcohol from the house as well as limiting my happy hour attendance. Booze is my caloric downfall.

I need to get back to my good happy place weight. I need to be ready to go at a moment's notice when the start gun finally goes off.