equals disappointment

Work has been less than stellar. I am tired of the unnecessary upheaval. As a result, work and coping with work stress, also known as going to a lot of kickboxing and Pilates. At least I can side plank like nobody's business now. 

I hadn't given any time to the fact that Valentine's Day was looming. Until I got home from work tonight. There was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me on the kitchen counter. As I got closer, I saw a card as well. It was from my parents. 

Before I sound like a monster for how it made me feel, it was nice of them do to leave those items for me. However, it really drove home the fact that I continue to be alone. The last time I remember celebrating this Hallmark holiday was fourteen years ago. Yes, I had to travel down memory lane to do some math there. 

That number was much larger than anticipated. Compound that with the fact I am 42. Even though I made it through calculus, math was never really my subject. Cue the pity party. 

Between my job and Tour Director's busy season, we haven't connected as much, which has added to my pity party. Emphasized my aloneness here. I have been perfectly content in my aloneness for quite some time, but now with Tour Director on the scene, my aloneness is a real thing, palpable.

This is simply one more thing I have to work through. One more lesson to learn. Another street I must walk down on the road to Mr. Right. 

not your winehouse rehab

I've only ever met a glass or two of wine that I didn't like. 

Always a glass or two after my ever stressful work days in Austin. Then Lulu died. Numb was the point of it all. Numb to the big gaping hole in my heart with my girl. I couldn't bear the reality of life without her needle nose watching me constantly. Without her promptly putting herself to bed on the princess bed at 8:30 PM and then Lulu would crane her long greyhound neck around the bedroom door about an hour later staring at me with a demanding facial expression that more than communicated, "listen lady when are you coming to bed already?" I simply couldn't face a world, a life without my Lulu because she was my everything. Wine helped.

Shortly after my Lulu's death, it was clear that my temporary assignment in Austin would be coming to a close. Let's just ladle on more terrible things, shall we? My friends, my life, my whole magical world was packaged up in a neat little box called Austin. I tried desperately to find a job that would enable me to stay in a place I call home. Nothing panned out. 

At the time, I took it as a sign that I needed to learn how to live and be happy in Colorado. But moving back to Colorado was the very last thing I ever wanted to do and so I loaded up the car with cases of a special shiraz that I only found in Austin on my way northwest. My mother called those cases of shiraz my prozac to enable to me adjust from my full, vibrant Austin life to the hermit life of Denver. Let's simply pile on the numbing agent. 

I have been back in Denver now for over four years. I've tried making friends, reconnecting with old friends and nothing has really panned out in the long term. I try but nothing sticks like Austin. My heart was broken by the Southern Gentleman. The layoff sent me into a tailspin. Needless to say for the good moments along the way, there was a lot upheaval. Enough so that numbing out with wine was my way to cope. A wine buzz took the edge off everything, the world didn't seem so harsh.

Then in December I get myself on a plane to India. I can count the number of drinks I had during that time on one hand. All my desire, all my need for the numbing agent seeped out of my body during those three weeks. I would have a beer but one was more than enough. The natural off switch had been restored and was working again. The feelings were no longer overwhelming. 

As I described my adventures with the Tour Director to my closest friends, I found myself retelling the stories with the caveat that I was completely sober the entire time as I was openly sharing my feelings with Tour Director. Those who know me best, know that me being vulnerable is near impossible and without the aid of vino, it is absolutely impossible. 

Since my return, I've not reverted to my old ways. The wine holds no mystery. It no longer speaks to me. The taste, the pleasure is gone. 

Last night was a big milestone as between my crappy work day and then Tour Director's SMS, I would have normally had a few glasses of wine as I cried away. This morning I realized the inkling of wine to cope, to numb did not even enter my mind. I dealt with my sadness, my frustration, my disappointment just as the raw feelings they are. I moved through them and I was okay this morning. I survived on my own. And that feels amazing! 

why not?

Today was a tough day. I'm not going to lie. Work was terrible as I spent the morning fighting off the angry tears in my office. As the day progressed, I become more focused on a plan to remedy the work situation.  

This evening I get home and Tour Director is text messaging away. We talked about my cruddy day. As happens quite regularly, we say the same thing at the same time to each other. I say to him half in jest that I will come cook and clean house. He responds with one of our inside train comments and that we'll get a maid for everything else. I tell him I will cook, clean, and write all day when he's at work. Tour Director's response is "wish life was so simple to be able to do that." 

Of course, I inquire "why not?"

Tour Director: my parents and the Indian society would roast me alive and sprinkle barbecue sauce over me
Me: But you are already a black sheep
Tour Director: But a living sheep
Me: But what's the point of living then?
Tour Director: That's what...... I am already living under the weight of so many accusations. They won't let you live and you can't die too.
Me: Why does life have to be so complex? That is a rhetorical question...
Tour Director: I am sick of it. So just try to enjoy whatever happiness comes my way. Small smiles. Don't expect big ones. 

And then we returned to our less serious conversation about day-to-day life.

I'm not going to lie. I cried. A lot. Severe disappointment over took me. Cue more tears.

Here is a man I am hands-down absolutely crazy about and the feeling is mutual. But the constricting societal norms are wedging themselves between us, our genuine happiness. 

I don't know if I should simply cut bait and swim off as this is going nowhere if we adhere to society. Or is more time needed for Tour Director to put his "I'm sick of it" into decisive action. 

Right now, I simply don't know. 

oh be still my beating liberal heart

The world has turned upside down here in America.  I think about the pretense of this country - a land of possibility that did not discriminate. 

                                  "Give me your tired, your poor, 

                        Your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free, 

                          The wretched refuse of your teeming shore, 

                       Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, 

                             I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Everyone, and I mean absolutely everyone faces struggle. Big or small to those of us casually peering in from the outside, an individual's struggle is still that of her own. It is a place where she is challenged, forced out of her comfort zone. Pushed to the limits and beyond into uncharted territory. 

I believe we are all created equal and should have access to all those basic things like education, civil rights and liberties. I believe that we all have a struggle we are working our way through. I believe we are all more alike than we are different. We are human beings and as such our greatest capacity and our greatest goal should be love. Singularly. Pure. Simple. Love. Love. Love.

Today I had an interesting conversation with my mother. I certainly hope that "interesting" reads so laden with sarcasm that the letters literally drip down your screen. 

I drop the dogs off to Fox News and I, the bleeding heart liberal, balk at Trump's Muslim ban. I face a woman known as my mother informing me that it is a good thing. I stand in horror. Absolute, palpable horror. 

Blood pressure through the ceiling, in the calmest manner I can I ask why? After listening to the babble, I can only respond that it has to be an all or nothing as singular group of people is not responsible for all ill as I cite Timothy McVeigh as a perfect example of a non-Muslim who murdered Americans. My mother is not deterred. As such, I pull out the big guns as I say, "your future son-in-law is Muslim so he can never set foot on American soil." That stops her in her tracks and her eventual response is "that's different" although I remind her that in the eyes of The Idiot my Director is Muslim and that is the differentiating factor. 

Here I spend my time contemplating the discrimination I will face one day in India but even through my rose-coloured glasses, the struggle is here too. Discrimination is everywhere. It is too prevalent. 

Tonight I am disappointed in the humans that do not see that we are only here to love. Tonight I am disappointed that my mother, whose grandparents were immigrants to this country during the early 20th century can so easily forget that pertinent fact. Will she love her future Indian-American grandchildren? Will she love me when I follow my heart and soul to India? How did I come from such closed-mindedness?

skydiving lessons

As I diligently cleaned the house today, I pondered the fact that I have never really fit in anywhere. Austin was the exception. There we are a rag-tag group of misfits who love each other dearly and will fight to the death for each other. But Austin is a quiet little utopia of love and happiness for me. Elsewhere, I have never fit in. 

Throughout school, I was always odd girl out due to my love of clothes, my intelligence, painful shyness, less than athletic, naturally curly hair, and any myriad of silly things I have long forgotten. 

Then came university where I was a poor kid in a rich kid's world. I simply wanted out, to be making money, to be free. I left university without any close friends. 

My career has been marked by being the young kid working with people old enough to be my parents. Recently that has changed, but my love of dresses and attempting to look crisp on a daily basis can still be polarizing. 

Why do these thoughts swirl around in my brain? Because as much as I am ready to pack my bags and get myself to Jaipur, I realize I won't fit in at all. I am not ignoring that it won't be easy. There is language, culture, the color of my skin, not to mention prejudice and a million other things I have yet to think of. 

However, my life to date has gifted me with the resilience that has prepared me for this situation. I have no fear as I have faced this challenge for many days that have accumulated into many years. There will always be naysayers, dirty looks, and mean girls no matter where I live. 

I have always followed the tune of my own drummer. Hopefully, I always will because my life has been nothing short of amazing. The people who do love me and accept me for who I truly am will be with me no matter where I reside. My tribe may be small but we are mighty. 

I am surprised at my bravery and stand in awe at it simultaneously. The certainty that courses through my veins is astounding. It is as if I am 30,000 feet in the air standing at the plane door waiting anxiously to jump out with my parachute. I haven't checked my parachute or verified where I should land, but I am dead certain and overflowing in faith that everything is safe and taken care of. I simply need to jump when the door opens. I am ready and waiting. 

demonetization, first impressions, and sweet memories

Thanks to the Indian demonetization, rupees would be difficult to obtain while in India at the beginning of December. My travel abroad always includes some level of local economy stimulation and I must have cold, hard cash in my hands to successfully execute that mission. This girl must bargain and shop for unusual treasures.

Prior to heading off to Delhi, Tour Director and I traded emails about the best way to accomplish acquiring rupees. Tour Director told me to exchange money at the Delhi airport. Easy enough. Since I was sitting at the bulk head in the beginning of the Boeing 777's economy plus section, I was off the plane and through customs in a jiffy. Rather than wait for luggage, I hit up the Thomas Cook money exchange. After waiting in line, I could only exchange $40 USD. I was aghast in horror. So I retrieved my luggage and stood in line at the Punjabi National Bank. Again the line was long and slow but I successfully acquired $80 USD worth of rupees.

Off to exit the airport to meet the company representative to get my well-traveled bum to the hotel. A young Indian kid in his early twenties, yells "Ms. Stone" with the telltale yellow sign beckoning me. We exited and were waiting for a taxi. The air was warm at 11 PM but the distinct and ever present smell of burning was not present in the air as it had been fifteen years ago when I last found myself in Delhi.

The drive to the hotel was lackluster. None of the wild driving as folks stood in their respective driving lanes on the highway. The excessive use of car horns and flashing brights that marked my memories were gone along with the roadside cows and old cars. Everything was new, flashy and orderly.

Arriving at the hotel, I was checked in and ushered to my room. I could see the Cotton Tops from my flight and who would serve as my travel companions sitting in another section of the lobby chatting away.

We were to meet at a hotel conference room at 10 AM the next morning. I had assumed I would sleep well as I had very little restful sleep on the airplane, but my body had other plans and I was wide awake at 5 AM just like any other day when I head into the office.

I headed down to the restaurant for breakfast as I was in dire need of coffee. Restaurant staff is always a little odd about seating the solo woman traveler but I found myself a nice little table for two situated at the back center of the restaurant with an amazing view of everything and everyone. The staff was wonderfully attentive and my coffee cup was always full. Indeed, I was a happy girl.

I truly enjoyed my leisurely breakfast and it was certainly leisurely because I had basically an entire morning to myself - just me and the coffee. At the appointed hour, I headed up to the conference room and saw the group of Cotton Tops congregating. Each chair had an envelope with a name on it. Of course mine was front and center - first row, first chair on the left. The tour director's back was to us as he fiddled with his visual board but he was a tall, fit man. All the Cotton Tops were staring at me and it was very unnerving. Then the tour director turned around and I was surprised by how good looking he was. His smile was simply amazing. Then he spoke and I swear the words danced out of his mouth to my ears. I was not prepared for the Tour Director.

I tell you this short story of our first encounter because it was the first time I laid eyes on the Tour Director; however, he had seen me earlier at breakfast.

While we were in Jaipur on our super secret extended trip, Tour Director shared with me the first time he saw me. It was that same morning but at the restaurant. He said he walked into the restaurant and I was the very first thing he saw and he thought I was so very beautiful. He was trying to find me because I was the only person the trip he hadn't met yet. He wandered around the restaurant looking for a 42 year old American woman. He asked a few women whom he thought fit the profile if their name was Patsy Stone. None were. All the while I was there and he never guessed it was me. He told me I was not at all what he thought because I look much younger than my actual age. He was delighted when he first saw me upstairs at the get-acquainted/introduction lecture.

Why did I tell you all of that? Because Tour Director has started a new tour and we had our little waltz down memory lane while he was on the bus Delhi bound. He asked what my thoughts were when we first met. I shared I was surprised he was my age as I thought he'd be older. that he was very handsome, and all business; I'd never guessed that we'd click so amazingly. In my honest vulnerability that only he elicits, I went on to tell Tour Director that I can't wait to see his fabulous smile again. See him looking into my blue eyes. Falling asleep in his arms. To which he replied, "We gotta figure out something".

My heart danced with joy. I couldn't fall asleep because happy excitement shot adrenaline through my entire body. And we are that much closer to starting our life together.

present and future

The week ended oddly. Unnecessary work drama abound. I hate drama and work drama is the worst.

Earlier this week, I was informed by my manager that the client complained to my VP about me. More importantly, the conversation ended with a statement about my manager being unsure if the VP would do something irrational. Reading between the lines I knew that meant I could very well be fired next week when the VP is onsite.

Pre-India Patsy would have gone haywire calling HR and preparing my legal case, basically bat-shit crazy, worked up and climbing the ceiling. However, we are dealing with post-India Patsy, who was eerily calm and didn't have a single ruffled feather. Sure, I was not pleased at the idea, but I was more concerned that my future-living-in-India fund's growth would be prematurely stifled .

I spoke to my manager later in the day and he assured me that nothing would happen to me. Honestly, I simply want to be able to take my leave of absence when the time is right. All I want is to be living in Jaipur with Tour Director, building our life together. I want to be back in the C-Scheme condo waking up together, making our morning tea, and reading the paper before work. While Tour Director is at the office, I see myself very clearly sitting at the dining room table writing away as the peacocks squawk outside the balcony. Tour Director comes home around 3:30 PM and I greet him with a kiss at the door unless I am absorbed in a crucial story point. We make our afternoon tea and share our day's stories on the burgundy couch. I can see it all so clearly and feel it down to the depth of my very being.

I have never felt this way. Ever. I have never felt so strongly, so certain. I honestly believe our paths crossed for a reason and it is a bigger reason. It is the reason I have been searching for for years upon years. I finally found my mate.

truly

Peace, true peace became a part of my daily existence from the moment I touched down in India. Since my return, each day, several times a day, I find myself sitting and pondering who the hell have I become. I have never been so calm, so unfazed by day-to-day pettiness. Truly, I have returned from India transformed.

The whole situation at the office is nothing short of a hot mess. Before December 2nd, I would have been twisted up over the hot mess oozing through; today, I go in, do what I can, and leave. I don't participate in the drama; I have no interest. I actually leave and leave in a timely fashion. This is such a huge shift and I barely recognize myself.

But this shift is for my highest good. My thoughts, my ideas, my beliefs have changed for the better. I see new possibilities and I have complete faith and trust in all those amazing things materializing. I cannot express how much I am truly enjoying this new found freedom. I feel lighter and quite frankly unstoppable. The new lens I view the world through is magnificent.

When I booked my Indian holiday at the beginning of November, I had no idea that this would be more than a "burn my PTO" holiday. This holiday was fate, pure and simple. This holiday was the catalyst of change that has placed me on a new trajectory.

Unfortunately I am tired tonight, so I will cut this entry short. The pups need some quality love time with me and I need to go to bed at a decent hour.

central park revelations

Jaipur Journal Flashback from Thursday 22 December 2016....

Listening to the afternoon call to prayer in the distance, I sit on the ground in Jaipur Central Park connected to the earth under the Indian flag that is moving ever so subtly in the warm sun soaked air. 

This 4 kilometers have served as a walking meditation of my time here. From the moment I landed on Indian soil, I have been washed in a constant stream of peace and calm and serenity. A tranquility I have never known and serves now as my new normal. 

Enter Tour Director stage right. Such a kind, caring man. I never met anyone like him. Smart, ambitious, honest, funny. Even though we are from opposite sides of the world, I would never notice. Leave it to me - meet the most amazing man ever and he's literally on the other side of the world. 

But that's the strange part. I don't feel like an outsider here. I roam the streets and feel at home. The peace I have felt pouring over me and through me has only intensified during this unplanned third week. 

And so revealed to me on this walk is the fact that I have worked like a dog for the past 20 years seeking money and freedoms it brings. While I've enjoyed it, that part of my life is over. I'll always work, make money but not in the same way, not as a simple cog in a wheel. The past two years have taught me that I know much more than I ever realized. I can spread my wings and soar. I choose happiness now. I am so willing to uproot my life to be here in Jaipur. The way I feel with Tour Director is something I've never known. My walk revealed a sabbatical is the way to go. I'll have to discuss with Tour Director. 

It's Thursday and it pains my heart to think I'll have to leave soon. I don't want to think about not feeling Tour Director take me tightly in his arms. Look into his incredible eyes that wander deep into my soul. Wholeheartedly laugh together at the antics of Rocket. 

Just as my additional week here was gifted with ease. I have the utmost faith in God that the path I'm supposed to travel will be revealed as the time is correct. 

surprises in the taj mahal tea leaves

Yesterday through the never ending leftovers of the yucky snow accumulation, I ventured in a northwesterly direction to Boulder in hunt of a well stocked Indian grocer. Tucked away in a sleepy little strip mall, I stumbled onto a little taste of India complete with the heavenly aromas that haunts my memories.

I slowly wandered the aisles seeking out the items on my list while being washed over with memories of that magical time, overcome with yearning to return to the arms of the Tour Director, to return home. The Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeros' song "Home is Wherever There is You"overtakes my being as I write this.

Tea was a central component of our daily life in Jaipur; our ritual of sorts. Once Tour Director taught me how to make it, each morning either one of us would whip up the masala tea or we would make it together. Together was always the best - we'd tag team the simple steps.

At the back of a corner, there was the tea selection. Joy overcame me as I spotted the iconic blue box of Taj Mahal tea. I quickly snatched up a box even though the bright orange price tag read $11.49. That simple box of tea serves as our connection.

This morning, I got up and made the tea just as I was taught and done so many times with Tour Director. That first sip that I'd assume would bring me joy through my memories remembering and cherishing those inconsequential yet sacred moments we shared did not act as predicted. Instead I felt immense sadness that Tour Director was not here, that we were not together; the pangs of missing him were intense. So much so that I found myself crying in the face of the chasm that physically separates us. Never have I felt this way about a man. Never.

But I continue to sip my tea through my tears focusing on the fact that one day we will be reunited again inshallah.

inshallah

I look down at my left hand to carefully examine my palm. Only ever so faint traces of the henna are still barely detectable near the heel of my hand. The beautiful, delicate henna design has served as my measure of time since I can physically watch time slip away with the pigment placed on my skin.

My heart aches at the faintness of the art, the mark of love that once adorned my palm. Sadness sinks in when I realize that in a few short days all traces will be gone; however, the marks on my heart, the etching on my soul will never be removed.

It has been three weeks since the henna was applied to my left palm. It was a portion of what Tour Director had asked the gal to do. While he was angry that the artist hadn't done everything he asked, I was flattered that he cared that much about what the art looked like; the fact that it meant something to him too beyond my simple request to have "henna on my hands". I can still hear Tour Director in my ear telling me that the quality and amount of henna applied to a woman prior to her wedding is an important gauge of how the bride's mother-in-law feels about the bride.

Earlier that day, I had been the model for the group when we were at an amazing silk weaving business and the sales man was showing us the sari fabric. Of course, I was volunteered to go up on the platform to have the sari draped on me. The magical silk fabric was Texas orange and this man folded and whipped this delicious fabric around me in a whirlwind similar to Cinderella being dressed for the ball. Everyone ooh'd and awed. I felt so beautiful. I could not look at the back of the room where Tour Director was casually leaning against the checkout counter, his long body being held up by his bent left arm. I knew that if I looked at him I would give us away as the entire group would see my happiness radiating toward him. Summoning everything in my power to keep my eyes from him because in my heart I felt this overwhelming sensation that one day I'd be in a wedding sari with Tour Director looking deep into my soul by my side.

Later when we were alone, Tour Director asked my why I wouldn't look at him when I had the sari on and I shared my fear that we'd be exposed because I was so terribly giddy. He proceeded to tell me that I looked amazing in the dress and he so badly wanted to blow me a kiss while I was in it. I told him that if he had done that I would have for sure been overcome and poof! our situation would have been revealed.

So sitting in my dining room here today surrounded by snow, I find myself pondering what life has in store for me as well as me and Tour Director together. He and I spoke this morning. I hear his voice and all I want to do is get on a plane back to India - the world be damned! We truly miss each other as that yearning is palpable both over the phone as well as SMS. Everything is good with the exception that Tour Director is 9,000 miles/14,600 kilometers away. Not exactly conducive a quick weekend away.

I remind myself regularly that God did not place this amazing man in my path without a plan. I have my things to do and so does Tour Director. Doors will open when they are supposed to, not when I demand the doors to open. As the Tour Director and I SMS'd on New Year's Day, he'd slept through midnight as all parties were couple oriented. I told him that next year would be different and his response was "Inshallah". My reply was that "I hope Allah dropped me in your tour group for a reason". Tour Director immediately replied "Of course what do you think. He has a plan."

And so my new mantra has become "Inshallah".

incredible india

It's been awhile since I have visited this little corner of the universe.

Ballroom has been out of my life for over a year. Life has basically consisted of working way to much. However, my international travel has picked back up this year and my passport has been getting exercised.

Sunday I returned from a holiday in northern India. I booked the two week trip at the beginning of November, about a month before departure.

I have never experienced such an intense spiritual time. My world truly changed during my time overseas. There were fourteen travelers and as usual I am the youngest by a mile. The tour director is around my age; a very attractive Indian Muslim with a fabulous funny personality. For the first week, we were all business. In Jaipur, we had an afternoon free and I tried to get him to do something with me but he didn't bite. So I assumed he wasn't in to me.

The days continued. We had a lunch at a women's textile co-op and so myself and a pair of divorced sisters in their 60s sat with this Indian woman who was 43 and looked oh so older and married for 30 years. We were trying to talk but us white girls don't speak Hindi and this lady didn't speak English. We got a few things across but I yelled for the tour director to join us so he could act as translator. The woman was mortified that the three of us women were unmarried and without children. She posed the question, "what's the point of your life if you don't have children?" I relayed to her that I had wasted many years on a Punjabi man (a.k.a. the Southern Gentleman) in a relationship that went nowhere. Well that opened the proverbial can of worms. Since I was then open to Indian men, then Rajasthan men were hands down better. We bantered on about the fact that all her husband's brothers were married and if only there were one left for me. We laughed and the women's co-op was out to find me a suitable husband.

That night at the luxury camping site, we then played cricket and I discovered I was really good at cricket despite the fact I was always dreadful at baseball in school. The day had been full of me being the star as the tour director pulled me out to carry water on my head, make tea, and of course the cricket game star player. Before dinner, there was happy hour and the tour director sat next to me and we talked. Honestly, he went from not really paying attention to me to being earnestly interested in me - I chalk it up to my Punbaji confession earlier in the day. We continued on at dinner together. Tour Director and I just clicked.

That night we had a local musical group come out to sing traditional songs around the fire. A few of the men danced and of course made me come up and dance. My Bollywood dance lessons paid off and I had a great time. Never before have I been so confident and so all in, especially in the dancing space. I had such an amazing time.

Tour Director continued to pursue me. At our next stop, I was asked to his room after hours to have a drink; he doesn't drink but he'd make me rum and cokes. We talked and talked and continued to discover how very much we have in common.

At the next stop, Tour Director and I spent time after the dinner and night activities talking in his room; at the end of our evening, he hugged me. Lord, I swooned in that man's arms. Never before have I been held with such intensity, such strength, and such care. My heart leapt in my chest and I never wanted to leave his arms. The following evening we went out for the evening to a small film festival. Again we had a great time. Afterwards we went back to his room and talked. Time would simply fly and it would be later before either of us realized it. That night when I left we hugged and after ending our embrace he looked at me. The air was still, the silence palpable. Tour Director asked if he could kiss me and I said yes. OH MY! was that a kiss. A kiss that took my breath away. and it would be the first of many that would change my world.

The night before I was scheduled to return home, we decided to see how much it would cost if I extended my ticket one week. It wasn't expensive, so we did it. I would extend my trip a week and spend it with him. Never have I done anything that impulsive, without a care for consequence. All I knew was that he and I were having a marvelous time and I needed to see where this was heading.

We spent the week together and it only confirmed what I felt from the beginning - this is the man I am supposed to be with. I know it and he knows it too. I have never felt so open and fearless in telling a man how I feel; answering his questions. He and I have led the same life only on opposite sides of the world.

Leaving was so incredibly difficult. Our last night together, he held me so tightly the entire night, refusing to let me go. The past few days have been tough. Tour Director and I have been open about the gaping hole we both feel.

I'll be exploring my holiday more in the following days.

compatibility... astrologically and otherwise

So another evening with Ballroom has transpired.

I adore the man. I honestly and truly do.

There isn't any pretense. No guessing. No wondering. Not a hint of a game.

Simply this awesome flow of acceptance and understanding.

Just openness and honesty.

Ballroom was super cute as he read to me about our astrological compatibility. He did censor part of it by openly stating he was skipping over the Capricorn man and Scorpio woman in bed.

But it is so easy. So natural. All my normal hangups are non-existent.

Are y'all sitting down? I have actually told him that I like him. Not only that but that I like him a lot. And I have done that on several occasions. Who in the hell am I?!?!

But I know like I know like I know that this is it. He focused in on the fact that per the astrological compatibility, we are soul mates.

Whatever title is affixed, I can only speak for myself in that for a very long time now I have known that Ballroom was for me. The feeling is so utterly different than anything I have ever felt.

Best part of this evening was that when we parted ways, we hugged and as we disentangled, he grabbed me around the waist and simply said, "kiss me good night" and he promptly planted a big kiss on my lips.

Life is good.

strictly ballroom

It's been awhile since I have sat down and dedicated a bit of time to this little corner of my world.

So much has happened. A brand spanking new amazing job. An amazing man stepped onto the scene. Making friends in the Mile High City continues to be a challenge. The house remodel continues.

The new job opened the doorway for the new man to take hold in my world. His name is Ballroom. With 99% confidence, I can say that finally I have found him. I truly believe I have.

We are moving very slow and deliberately and that is good. I believe we both recognize the importance of the other. It is an unspoken knowledge and understanding between us.

I am beyond thankful and grateful that Ballroom is finally here. The wait has been well worth it.

maybes

He avoided me all day.

Johnny never lets an opportunity to even simply pop his head in my office and say hi.

Today - post-text message - was pure avoidance.

Maybe I misread the road signs.

Maybe he rethought the situation.

Or maybe I am over thinking again.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe the maybes plague me more than they should.

the next phase

I do love my job. The project, the people, the commute, the paycheck. Simply everything. I dwell in amazement that I quite literally got everything I wanted with this job.

We all know I am slow when it comes to men, so the fact that I figured this situation out in less than a year is absolutely stellar. There is a man at Disneyland that is interested in me. He isn't some geeky cast-off or short strange guy, which is delightful. The attraction is mutual; however, he is vocal about it whereas I am not. He's got spunk, drive, and confidence, which makes me weak in the knees.

Yesterday he marched into my office while I was speaking with a co-worker and declared, "I need you." The co-worker instinctively scattered like a cockroach citing he didn't need to be around for this conversation. The declaration was only Johnny needed me to help him with an errand but he did so in such a way to deliver two messages with one sentence. Johnny does this a lot. He also finds any reason to be close to me, like millimeters away close. A prime example being that when we left to run the errand, he did not walk ahead of me as he was blocking the aisle way but instead made me brush past him.

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking to a co-worker. Johnny came up behind me, within millimeters once again, his front to my back and placed his face near mine.

Today, again, bright and early he was back at my desk asking me to run an errand with him. Then this afternoon when we were in the desk farm, Johnny was right there next to me with barely air moving between us and of course found an excuse to lean into me.

All this lead me to send Johnny a text after work today inquiring about a cocktail this week. He isn't going to make the first move, that is very clear because while he is very forward, he hasn't pulled the trigger. Only when I provide a bit of encouragement does he then kick it up a notch. For some reason, I need to be the instigator of this grand affair.

And so I did. The text was warmly received and immediately responded to.

The story unfolds and the adventure continues...

update

Live has been busy here in Adventureland.

At the beginning of June, I was relieved of the funemplpyment status. A position I applied for on a whim due to its close location turned into the everything-I-asked-for position. I love going there every day even though it is not easy or pretty - I simply love it and refer to it as "the happiest place on Earth," Disneyland. 

Things with Nelson and I have been over for some time now. There was never a break up to be pointed to; he merely stopped caring for sex, then stopping calling. I am not angry that it is over as I was starting to feel that I was with an older version of my ex-husband, The Leech. I am disappointed that he doesn't have the balls to tell me that he is done. 

As much as I try to convince myself that life here isn't bad, I continue to hate it here. Today the realization that I have no friends here hit hard. People here lack any warmth or concern. The utter aloneness I deal with on a daily basis is starting to take its toll. 

And things are that easy for me to simply declare, "pack the house up and head back to Austin". I realized in May that life in Austin isn't the same as it was when I lived there. I keep focus on what is laying around the next curve for me because quite frankly I cannot read tea leaves to discern what's next. I never fathomed Austin would be magical. I remain steadfast in my unwaivering faith that I am here in this dreadful place to learn a lesson, for something significant in my life to occur, something that I am cannot dream of. 

Any more I spend my days at work, head to the gym and hang out with the pups. A quiet monastical life.  

oink

While I am coping fairly well with the layoff, or fUNemployment as I am calling it these days, my food consumption choices have been dismal. I refuse to step on the scale because my loose clothes aren't as loose and I quite frankly don't want to see the number. 

Last week I started returning to normal programming. No more going over to my parents' house to graze on all their bad foods. Keeping only healthy stuff in my house. No going out. Spending quality time at the gym. 

Of course, over the weekend, there was a bit of Chinese food in the picture. But a small slip is okay. 

Opted not to go to the gym last night as Nelson came over. We did take the dogs on a walk at least. 

I know my weight will come back into check once the uncertainty, limbo is gone. I just need to keep chipping away with exercise and relaxation. 

last thing i expected

March 31st was my last day at The Ranch. 

On Tuesday April 1, I awoke feeling free. Not the feeling I expected at all. Since then, I have been watchful, awaiting fear and panic to knock on my door. Neither has shown up. In fact, only torrents of relief, happy anticipation, and calmness are my frequent visitors. I welcome them with open arms even though I have completely surprised myself. 

I am enjoying getting my long to-do lists done, peace being brought into my life with each of my actions. Interviews are starting up. Realizations that I am so beyond qualified, have unique skills has made my confidence rise. I am and truly believe I am a rock star. 

I know like I know like I know that only goodness is going to come from all of this. More life balance, fewer overtime hours, more happiness, more money, more growth. More of everything that makes my heart sing and puts the wind in my sails. 

I cannot wait to see how amazing my next step is going to be!

forks in the road

Life changed on Thursday 28 February. I dialed into a conference call where I was informed that I was laid off. 

Since late last summer, I had an inkling that if there was a layoff, I would be number one on the list due to incestuous nature of my current team. I knew I was the odd man out, which was precisely why I had been actively looking for an internal transfer. 

Needless to say, I hit the ground running from the moment I received the news. I started using my seventeen years of contacts at The Ranch to find another job. I have knocked on millions of doors and have jobs lined up. Just waiting for the green light of the reprieve.

Y'all have been around here long enough to know that patience is not my virtue. I was good up until last Friday because I was busy, active, making my future happen. Now I am in the wait mode and I don't operate well there. 

Compound that with being anxious about what-ifs, and I haven't been the most fun with Nelson. I have snapped at him, gone nuts about money and splitting of bills. I think last night Nelson finally had his fill with me. I think it is over with us. 

I don't know if I should apologize. Tales of people being unemployed for years got me tail-spun. Remembering the endless dead ends on jobs when I was working so damn hard at staying in Austin. Not a single phone call from Austin companies a few years ago only adds to my apprehension. Just the basic thought at the possibility of cutting back on everything and anything. All the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Idle hands make Patsy a crazy bitch. 

I find myself sad at the thought of no more Nelson. Yes, things he does do drive me batty. But by the same token, we laugh a lot when we're together. 

I worry that I have been alone too long. Being cut off for years has not made me a more flexible person. Do I let Nelson quietly float off into the sunset or do I try to work on things?  I admitted my wrongs, I know what I responsible for, my contributions to the problem. 

Right now I am facing my worst fear - not being able to successfully take care of myself - and this stare down is starting to break me down. I don't like how the vulnerability is swirling through my being. But I fear any attempt at explaining that to Nelson will only be looked upon as an excuse. 

I don't know what to do next. 

Sincerely, 
Lost and Alone in the Snow