Big Sister

Life seems to be coming together, getting closer to a state of peace.

I am not traumatized by the fact I did not get Dream Job. Instead, I am happy about the time it affords me to get life cleared up. I cannot wait to share this with the shrink. I am beginning to truly understand what triggers my depression and the thoughts that push me down the mountain into the black abyss. I am having dreams again - which is so refreshing even though the dreams tend to be a little disturbing.

The gal across the street - my pet sitter buddy - she called on Friday night. Called me rather than calling her piece of shit boyfriend that she'd just broken up with - again. I was happy Pet Sitter Buddy (PSB) called me. We spoke for awhile - she needed someone who gets it - understands the disappointment and hurt of a broken heart. I have lots of experience in that department.

I am ten years older than PSB. At her age, I was in such a different place. Spoofy was my sorta boyfriend - together but never spoke about our status. When Spoofy and I broke up, I was sad for a few days, shed a few tears and poof! the Spoof was done in my heart and head. I was looking forward to grad school, working and making some real cash.

PSB was speaking about "where are all the men?" I had to giggle to myself because the choices are so much better in her age bracket - and all I wanted to say but didn't was "just wait until you hit 32, my dear!" But I am thankful for the life experience I have gained in those ten years since the days of 21. I have seen the world, kissed a lot of frogs, loved a few frogs too. I have worked and had countless adventures. Sure I still care too much - I don't plan on being jaded - and my heart still gets broken - but I keep on hoping, dreaming, and wanting.

PSB has called several times to talk about her breakup. I listen and offer my insight when appropriate. She looks up to me as a big sister - one of the very few who understand what it is like being there, walking in those same shoes. I hope that in that sacred big sister role, I can help PSB to see that life is so much more than getting married by 22 and having kids and it is okay not to follow the traditional role if she choses not to. There is a whole world out there just waiting to have a bite taken out of it. Even on the days when I hate being at my table for one, I wouldn't change a thing. I happy with my choices - those choices have shaped me and granted me the fortune to meet some wonderful (and not-so wonderful) people and experience the essence of life. I have followed my heart and have been true to myself - what more can a girl ask for!!

Farewell NaBloPoMo

Hard to believe 30 days and November will be but a distant memory in a few hours.

It is still fucking freezing here. I hate the snow. While it did melt some today - at least the sun came out a bit - it is still chilly.

Don't quite know how I am going to get myself out of bed in the complete darkness that is 5:30 AM.... gym day with Neighbor. I was hoping we'd get the rest of the week off due to inclement weather but alas I will burn some calories off my arse!

I started painting in the kitchen today. Thought about MM's lawyer whilest painting trim - really need to comparison shop I think.

I am bummed as I was not offered Dream Job at this time. I received that crushing blow to the abdomen and ego yesterday. But it also buys me time to get my life - personal life straightened out - find mind, body, soul nirvana before heading off into the wild blue yonder.

I am still melancholy as I looked forward to jetting off to Amsterdam after the first of the year. But hell hasn't frozen over yet, so hope can still burn within my heart. Because without hope, I am nothing.

New Haircut, New Hound

The Dachshund looks like the wire-haired gyrl that she is... and she behaved so we are not banished from her new houndie salon...

Happy Tuesday

I cannot wait until this afternoon. It is acupuncture Tuesday! and I really need it. It is getting progressively harder to get out of bed in the morning. Motivation is minimal. A few needles and I will be queen of the world again!

Also it is shrink Tuesday! I am covering all my depression fronts today. But all that truly matters is I am feeling better. Slowly but sure, I am getting back on track.

It is getting chilly and gray here. The snow is coming. I hate snow.

Tonight - last knitting class! Mark that off the list.

Money, Money, Money, Money

Today was all about spending cash. The credit cards got a fair workout; however, most purchases were made right here from the coffee table.


First order of business was to get the items from last night's adventure. Much to my disappointment, the two items - a curio cabinet and the coffee table - are on back order. Urgh! I. WANT. IT. NOW. INSTANT. GRATIFICATION. NOW! Alas, I will be waiting, hoping, and praying that the items arrive by mid-December. May the shipping gods have mercy on my desire to finish up the house. I am so over my college coffee table already.


Then I ordered my new boots on-line. The pointy ones are coming in black, the longer sleek pair in double espresso. I cannot wait for them to arrive. Sizing offered zero guidance. The gal said they fit "true to size" but what does that mean to the girl who takes a 7 1/2 or 8. Cuz ordered a pair of shoes from them last year in a 7 and they were a little small. Waiting, hoping, praying that the 7 1/2s fit.

The other on-line purchase was flowers for my southern pal who is recovering from a hysterectomy. The delivery charge was outrageous! 12 bucks! Shipping on the boots was 10 quid!


Tomorrow is another cash outlay day - I have my acupuncture treatment in the afternoon. I have been feeling the effects waning, so I am truly looking forward to recharging my ancient Chinese secrets. Also tomorrow night is my last knitting class. Must knit like a mad woman tonight to get the thing near to done stage.


The Doxie has her first appointment for a bath and cut with a groomer. This should be an adventure - the doxie is terrified of the vacuum and the little clipper I use to shave her bum - doxie will = basket case. But she will be all clean and pretty for her Sunday photo shoot with Santa.
<--- This is the doxie before photo


I had zero motivation today. I got up early to hit the gym with Neighbor. Tomorrow is busy so no painting will get done. But Wednesday is another story - want painting done.

Hopefully I will have some fun stories tomorrow as today was a dull one.

Palm Sunday

Cuz and I got our palms read in January. At that reading, the Palmist asked me who the two little kids were that I was sitting on the carpet playing with regularly. I knew no children. Two week later I met MM - hence the two small children I would play.

I decided to go see the Palmist again. Today was the day. Cuz and the baby came. Of course, the baby was hungry and the Palmist was running behind, so Cuz went to car and did not get read.

Right off the bat, Palmist speaks of the car - the grey car - and the stopping motion of my discovery of the ease with which it can switch from automation to manual transmission. She had a difficult time beginning because I was giving off such an intense energy - the tingling of the intense emotion that has become a part of my life of late.

Two areas of focus - job and men.

As for job, looks like my new job will become a reality. She feels it will be about two weeks until I hear anything. Palmist spoke of my friend on the inside and the man she reports to. That I will go in sideways - not directly - which is how the entire process has been. The job isn't going to be perfect but I will get out of it what I want. Sometimes it will entail doing the work of two people - a given at the company. Woo hoo - new job!

Men. MM came across loud and clear and she said that he is not "the one." In fact, need to get him out of my life. She asked if there were two men in my life right now - that would be a big no - then she asked if he had a split personality - Bingo, Mr. mild Bi-polar-leaning-toward-depression. She said that he said a lot of hurtful thing to me - Yes. I have been crying a lot, all the time a lot - Yes. For about three months - Yes. She nailed what MM looked like.

Three significant relationships - the Leech (a la ex), MM, and mystery man #3 looming on the horizon. Of course the horizon is a loooong way off - 2 years away - I'll be 34. Back in January, she said I'd met Mr. Right within 1.5 years, possibly married within that time. Who knows?!

But she was pretty positive about the 2 years, about 34 years old. And he will be dark haired and similar in appearance to MM. Instant attraction - had that with MM. Mr. Mysteriouso will just slide into my life.

The depression came up. Great news, my depression lines run deep! Fucking wonderful. But the ugliest is behind me.

I have three stars on my right hand - present and future hand - a star each for my talent, work, communication. Things are supposed to calm down - stress won't go away completely - but will be a lot calmer than it is now. She emphasized that the shit going on now is temporary.

She told me that I need to get out there - to make a point of going out and looking around. Only with the caveat that in my depressed state, I will probably attract men in the same mental state.

My independence line is strong - well yeah.

I was told to finish the book as well. And I do need to get to that - maybe it won't be as draining as the depression lessens.

That's all I can remember. For $25, I was delighted.

Up and At 'Em

I awoke early for a Saturday, especially since I possessed a teensey hangover, because MM was dropping off the gyrls. MM had his alkie class this morning; hence, I got to hang with the gyrls.

Once again, the gyrls were ecstatic to be here. We hung out for a bit and then went out for brekkie. Had a great gyrlie breakfast and everyone was happy. A quick trip to Target to pick up a new DVD player - hey for $25, can't beat it! Then we picked up food for the houndies.

By the time we were done with our errands and on our way home, MM was waiting in the driveway. We go inside the house. The gyrls don't want to leave as they need more time playing with the houndies. Since the gyrls were busy, I asked MM to help me move the television that weight 17 million pounds. We started moving furniture around and making sense of the massive mess of cords. MM informed me that with after turkey day sales, I should take the spankin new DVD player back and get a home theatre system for a few bucks more. And he is going to go with me to make the purchase and put in together for me. Okay - wasn't expecting that one.

We load the kids in the car, DVD player to be returned in tow and off we go. MM is determined to find the best value so first is Best Buy to no avail, then on to Wally World without finding anything and finally Target once again to score a home run. $50 bucks and a good enough for me system. At Target, we ran into my pops as he was leaving - this should send mum's propeller spinning violently.

MM installed everything and it worked. So that made me happy. The gyrls were happy. The houndies were happy.

The gyrls wanted to hold my hand all the time again. It was weird running errands with them again. From the outside, the four of us looked like a family again. Only one catch, our romantic love is gone. I felt immense love toward the gyrls but not so much for their father. Mixed blessing, right? I am getting over the hurt, which is good though. I wonder what the future holds. Only one way to find out - live it!

Boundaries or the Gobble Day Disaster

In an attempt to spend a pleasant Turkey Day as the boycott is in full effect, I went to a Friend's. One who I thought was a good friend and she knows the ups and downs of that which is referred to as the boycott. In fact, she often refers to us as best friends. Note key word: thought.

I pull up in the Benz and the other male guest run out the door to check out the fine German machinery before the key is out of the ignition. Dinner was uneventful - pleasant enough. After dinner, we all get up from the table. Friend and her husband are clearing the table. I, being a good guest, begin to pick up dishes so Friend does not have to leave the dishwasher she is loading. Nice, right? Wrong in Friend's world. I get my ass handed to me for placing two dishes on the counter top beside her. To quote "What are you doing putting those dirty dishes on my clean counter top!" Note: counter top was not clean. "Of all people, I would have never thought you'd do this to me." To which, she picked up the two dishes like a wild woman and brought them back to the kitchen table. Creating quite a scene all the while.

Let's summarize with one word - Ridiculous. No. Two words - Ridiculous and Rude.

I drank a glass of wine while contemplating how to handle this. Normally, I'd have stayed and glossed over it. But it got me damn mad because it was so unnecessary - two fucking dirty dishes. I knew she had control issues but F.U.C.K.

She'd been on shaky ground with me because of the Benz and the nasty jealous digs she'd make about it. Next nasty remark, she was going to hear that I couldn't be her pal if she kept her hard-on about the damn car. Also, she relished a little too much pleasure that things with MM and I were kaput. She was too upset and made sure she announced to everyone whenever we were together that I screw up her poker game when I play with them because I win instead of her. Poor loser.

So after contemplating, I grabbed my salad bowl, unused fondue pot, and my purse and walked right out the front door and kept on going until the engine was purring and I was on my way home.

Normally, I'd have been concerned about what the rest of the guests thought; but I said fuck it - I'll never see them again and quite frankly I really don't give a flying fuck. I won't tolerate that petty behaviour from my family, so why the fuck am I going to let a stranger get way with that unnecessary shit.

The boundary had been set with the Benz comment and it transferred to the unnecessary bullshit of two plates and being a decent human being. I had set the boundary and she crossed it. I won't talk to her anymore. I don't care because I don't need people like that in my life. I left quietly because she hates, no despises non-confrontation, which leaves me feeling warm and happy inside.

I am proud of myself because I set the boundary and enforced it. Woo hoo!! Growth, progress, and score one for the gyrl!

And this just in

Received ten minutes ago - from MM

MM: hey happy thanksgiving i hope you realize you are a great woman i wish you all the best!!!! Have a good day!


If there has ever been a moment to say WTF, I am employing it now.

Gobble, Gobble

It is glorious to be able to sleep in on a fair Thursday morning.

Thanksgiving is not a holiday I get into. It never has been. Must be missing the Turkey Day gene. I don't care for turkey - stuffing with turkey innards - yuck - mashed potatoes with gravy - gravy with turkey innards - oh the humanity - basically every aspect of Thanksgiving that doesn't need to be tainted with turkey innards was; hence, this gyrl doesn't dig it.

Then there is the boycott, which is in its second year. Last year I decided not to participate in the unnecessary drama any longer. My requests for change were ignored; therefore, I do not show up. It shouldn't have to be that way but it is. Maybe one day, they will wake up - maybe they won't. I am only responsible for myself.

Prior to the Great Breakup Fiasco of 2006, I had so been looking forward to having Thanksgiving with MM and the gyrls. I was thrilled to be embarking on a new phase of life - starting my own family traditions. Shit, now I am a little teary eyed. Well, this is the training ground for Christmas - that was the one I was really looking forward to with MM and the gyrls.


When MM dropped the gyrls off on Monday, they were so happy to see me. Big hugs and happy loud voices were everywhere. We played with the dogs. We made cookies. It was grand. Those gyrls were very, very happy. They did not want to leave my house and their father saw that. We went to dinner afterwards. In the parking lot, the gyrls were holding my hands. Their father saw that. At dinner, the girls wanted me to sit in between them. Their father saw that. I taught them how to use chopsticks - the gyrls laughed and smiled and so did I - their father saw it. When they dropped me off, both gyrls wanted big hugs from me and he saw that too.

While I know MM will never find anyone else who loves those gyrls so much and vice versa, it still makes me sad. I know one day he will regret his decision. Those gyrls will not be instilled with a fierce sense of self and independence and confidence.

Tuesday, MM told me it was wonderful to see me.

Yesterday, MM was IM'ing me all day. He invited me to go with them for Turkey Day. I declined. He told me he can see how much better I am doing. oh well, we're just friends - I am sticking to friends for just awhile longer.