I laid in bed soaking up the last morning of waking up next to The Southern Gentleman on this particular holiday. The dogs woke him up like usual and he enjoyed it by the kindness towards her that sang through his voice.
We each got ready and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes the entire time. We were in the kitchen having a light breakfast. His mood was somber as well. The entire time he was here, I hadn’t initiated a conversation about the bigger us. Neither had he. Somehow I felt compelled to leave him with a snippet of information to shed a bit of light on our future together. The answer I arrived at was to ask about his visit to the astrologer years earlier. “So when you went to the seer, what did he tell you about children?” I plunged in, cutting to the chase. He danced with, “Yes, if you go, he can tell you about children. He can tell you about all areas of your life.”
I was not giving up so easily, “That’s not what I meant. Specifically, what did he tell you about your children?”
“He made my cousin leave the room when it came time to discuss the future. He made me promise not to share the information regarding my future with anyone. I cannot tell you. He told me some dates. One passed last spring, it was an ordinary day and I think about that, wondering if I missed something.”
My mind was trying to figure out how to get what I viewed as a vital yet subtle hint for him. So I did what I told Kimba I would not do – shared a bit of my experience with the palm reader from earlier this year. I told him I went to her in February. He asked how I knew she was legit and I shared with him that she had a proven track record with me. Eagerly, The Southern Gentleman asked me what she told me. I told him that she told me I would not be working with my current company for long time and that made me happy. Then he asked, “Did she tell you anything about your personal life?” I told him she did. In fact, almost too much information. I told him that she told me I would have three children – a girl and two boys. He did not say anything. That was the tidbit of information I wanted him to validate – had his reading revealed the same information. Could he connect the dots from that?
I told him repeatedly I did not want him to leave. Not only would I miss him, the pups would miss him too. All the while I was still trying to keep the tears contained. He told each puppy dog good bye, which melted my heart. The ride to the airport was quiet. He promised to come back before my lease is up. The Southern Gentleman also told me he would start planning our foreign holiday once he had his business stuff settled in a few months.
At the airport, The Southern Gentleman placed his bags on the sidewalk, and then he grabbed me, embracing me in the tightest hug… without a word, with that hug, he told me that he didn’t want to leave ever. As he held me tight against him, he kissed me on the cheek and his lips stayed on my cheek for a long time. Cue water works. We broke apart and as I looked at him, I asked him to hug me once more, which he did. And then he was gone through the glass doors.
He called me that night when he got home. I felt reassured by the lovey-airy quality of his voice, the fact he kept talking about nothing because he did not want to hang up the phone. I was sure to share that my big girl had been looking for him and she would whine as she tried to find him. I told him that I missed him already.
And the story continues…
08 April 2008
TSG Holiday: Saturday
I awoke Saturday mid-morning to the hounds running amuck, The Southern Gentleman zonked on the couch and a decent hangover. I got some water and took The Southern Gentleman back to bed with me. He was completely dressed and I do remember undoing his buttons because I felt bad that he was fully dressed in hot clothing. Nothing of a sexual nature occurred. We actually resurrected ourselves at 1 PM. The Southern Gentleman appeared to be in worse shape than me. Much Advil was consumed.
Upon getting our land legs back while still maintaining a twinge of hungover-ness, we headed out for his favorite barbecue. We had a good lunch without beer and stopped by the Hindu temple on the road home. On the ride back to town, he told me that at one point last night, I was very provocative with him. We picked up a few movies because he was quite intent on a couch day. We like the same movie genres – woo hoo for a man who willingly wants to watch independent films!!
Back at my house, we watered up, settled in on the comfy couch and watched Superbad. We laughed and the simple ease of both of us lying on the sectional was palpable. We took a break between films and The Southern Gentleman gently laughed as he asked me how I wanted my cocktail mixed. He proceeded to return with more water and M&Ms and then lit candles and turned off the lights. As if to set a romantic mood. The circles of mixed messages this man sends to me. Watched the end of No Country for Old Men a few times. I love that we can have discussion about movie endings and the greater meanings. Most importantly, I love that I do not feel any need to mask my true self with The Southern Gentleman. We watched a bit of Saturday Night Live, then The Southern Gentleman asked if I was ready to go to bed because he was.
We climbed into bed. Our last evening together. I was growing sad and at the same time disappointed that we had not had any sort of clear, unequivocal ‘talk’ about us. Lying in bed, I just kept talking to him and asking him questions so our time would not end. I was dreading the morning. I asked particulars about the house he is building. He told me about the various rooms and features he wanted; that his neighbors seem less than nice, that they know he is single and without a girlfriend. He mentioned that sometimes he wonders what his life would be like right now if he had not divorced when they did – if he’d still be doing the same kind of work as me, would they still be married, would he have children. I told him that if things hadn’t happened as they did, then he would not be here beside me at this very moment.
Next we spoke about my house – I told him I will be very happy when it is sold. He stated, “But I thought you loved that house?” I told him that part of my life is over and I am ready to be free of it. He asked where I will go. I shared with him that I have no desire to and will not return to Mile High and that I will not be staying permanently in SxSWland either. “Where will you go?” he asked again. I replied, “I don’t know but I will land wherever I am supposed to be.”
Eventually, I fell asleep first.
07 April 2008
TSG Holiday: Friday
Pretty much the same routine, hound dogs awake me and The Southern Gentlemen, lounging until late morning, and then heading out for lunch. We went to a little place that was his East Coast favorite. Imagine that – Manhattan eats in The Lone Star State. It was over this meal that the $64,000 questions finally came flowing forth from his mouth. We were both bone sober. The questioning went much like the last time:
Are you dating anyone out here?
Any old flames still lit back home?
Do you want to get married again?
Do you want children? And I mean children that don’t have four legs.
And I answered flawlessly without fear or trepidation. woo hoo!
Then he started on his commentary about the fact that he doesn’t feel like he could ask a woman to leave her metropolitan city life to join him in the south. Furthermore, with his current travel schedule, The Southern Gentleman does not feel he could ask a woman to wait for him while he is gone on his long trips. I shared my insight on the travel portion – the only type of person who understands his work situation is someone who does (or has) traveled extensively for work as well. I used him and me as an example from our old assignment where we met. I would have to ponder how best to approach the ‘woman leave her world for the south’ question.
We went to the boot shop because I have wanted a pair. We shopped together and found the perfect pair. Then we picked out the perfect pearl button shirt for The Southern Gentleman. Shopping with him was so nice, so effortless. I purchased the shirt for him and told him to think of me when he wore it.
I asked him lots of deeper get-to-know more about him questions throughout the afternoon. Items like how his parents met, his extended family (particularly his family abroad), about his parents – things that go into who he is and much deeper than I have ever gone.
From there we went to pick up the food for the small evening get together. While we are not lock step, our gait is pretty damn good. I put the finishing touches on the house and got dressed as he readied his wares and got dressed himself. We looked so good – Barbie and Ken dolls good. He poured us a drink while waiting for my friends to come. All my friends arrived and it was fabulous to have a home filled with loving people and The Southern Gentleman by my side – it was nothing short of a longtime dream finally realized. Everyone who is important to me in SxSWland was there because they care about me. I felt so blessed. And that feeling of blessed meant I was consuming wine at a decent clip while ensuring everyone else’s glass was full too. My girls were super good about sharing their preference concerning The Southern Gentleman’s wares offerings.
The girls started to knit a bit and we gabbed while The Southern Gentleman amused himself with my iTunes. I had to laugh because my computer had password locked itself due to inactivity; he asked me to input the password and while doing so I had to stop myself from saying that he should know it because it is his name! He told us that our little ‘sewing group’ reminded him of his mother’s group. I couldn’t think of a higher compliment. The girls packed up so we could go out downtown. One of my friends, Redbud offered to drive us up, have a drink with us and then we’d cab it home.
Needless to say we hit three bars. Much alcohol consumed. One thing I do distinctly remember The Southern Gentleman saying was “my three kids.” I remember dancing with Redbud on the rooftop patio (thanks to photographic evidence, I also danced with The Southern Gentleman). At the final club, I remember a brief snippet of me straddling The Southern Gentleman as he sat on the loveseat. What I don’t remember is getting kicked out of a diner because I was asleep at the table and any of poor Redbud having to take us home and subsequently getting to bed.
TSG Holiday: Thursday
Thursday I got up earlier to deal with the dogs, then crawled back into bed beside The Southern Gentleman. The dogs of course had to check out the man in their mummy's bed. He was very kind to their cold, wet nose wake up calls.
We lounged and then got ready. Of course I had to walk around the house a wee bit wrapped only in my bath towel. I tried on some of his wares. He asked for my ring sizes which I happily spilt forth; he was a bit surprised I knew the size for each my bony fingers.
It was time for lunch, so we headed to my favorite little taco stop and ate outside. From there we headed downtown to do a bit of window shopping for The Southern Gentleman’s business. We went in and out of boutique shops, everywhere shop keepers assumed we were a pair. He bought me a small little piece of art in one shop. A little piece I keep on the ledge above the kitchen sink so I can see it every day and think of The Southern Gentleman.
From there, we went to the river and walked by the river a bit. He wanted to go to the river. This made me think about past references to the river. We watched the few dogs swimming and enjoyed the cool breeze off the water. It was a rather quiet contemplative time.
We headed home to get cleaned up for the magazine happy hour. We had less the good tequila cocktails, some appetizers, and perused the furniture store, which happened to be full of Asian pieces that both of us gravitated to like moths to a flame. In simply shopping for furniture, the similar influences of our lives were brought to the forefront.
The entire day was full of conversation. Very easy flowing. He simply fits right in to my world.
From there we were going to head to the Broke Spoke; however, we stopped for late dinner at a small place, thus never making it to the bar to dance. We headed home for another evening of me being entangled in his arms.
We lounged and then got ready. Of course I had to walk around the house a wee bit wrapped only in my bath towel. I tried on some of his wares. He asked for my ring sizes which I happily spilt forth; he was a bit surprised I knew the size for each my bony fingers.
It was time for lunch, so we headed to my favorite little taco stop and ate outside. From there we headed downtown to do a bit of window shopping for The Southern Gentleman’s business. We went in and out of boutique shops, everywhere shop keepers assumed we were a pair. He bought me a small little piece of art in one shop. A little piece I keep on the ledge above the kitchen sink so I can see it every day and think of The Southern Gentleman.
From there, we went to the river and walked by the river a bit. He wanted to go to the river. This made me think about past references to the river. We watched the few dogs swimming and enjoyed the cool breeze off the water. It was a rather quiet contemplative time.
We headed home to get cleaned up for the magazine happy hour. We had less the good tequila cocktails, some appetizers, and perused the furniture store, which happened to be full of Asian pieces that both of us gravitated to like moths to a flame. In simply shopping for furniture, the similar influences of our lives were brought to the forefront.
The entire day was full of conversation. Very easy flowing. He simply fits right in to my world.
From there we were going to head to the Broke Spoke; however, we stopped for late dinner at a small place, thus never making it to the bar to dance. We headed home for another evening of me being entangled in his arms.
02 April 2008
this time last week...
Pour yourself a nice little cocktail, pull up a chair and I will share my lovely mini-break with The Southern Gentleman.
Go head, pour a little more booze in your glass. You need a proper drink. A bit of a kick never hurt anyone, other than maybe me on Friday night.
So the arrival on Wednesday afternoon. I looked adorable and feminine and soft and all those sorts of good things. He called in the morning when he was driving to the airport. Anticipation was palpable from both of us. During his call, The Southern Gentleman tells me, "I look a little different than last time. Something changed." I figured facial hair since that seems to be what changes when he is abroad. He tells me to guess to which I coyly tell him that I'd rather keep it a surprise for when I see him with my baby blues.
Of course, shit hit the fan at work the previous day and I was working like a dog to make sure everything was done so I could get out a bit early from my chains to fetch him. Only had a few straggling things to finish that evening and we'd be set.
I left later than planned but it gave him time to get his checked bag. I slowly drive along the pickup area looking for him and poof! the vision sitting out front - tanned skin, tall, muscular frame - oh this man is pure yumminess to the eye. He spies me as well and immediately he there before me and he envelopes me in a huge hug. The change was that he had a few blond (more orange) highlights on the front of his hair... no great shakes.
Immediately we are in the car heading to my house and we pick up as if it were only weeks since we'd seen each other - and not the 6 months that is reality. It was grand. I give him the tour of the house and he met the hounds. The hounds simply adore The Southern Gentleman. Especially the big hound. She was virtually trying to jump in his lap and give him kisses (which is very much out of character for her). If I did not know better, I would swear she understood when I told her for weeks that her new and forever daddy was coming to see her. The Southern Gentleman enjoyed them - that was genuine.
We talked a bit and then I went to finish my work in my 'home office', while he read on the couch and subsequently fell asleep on the couch. On Sunday, The Southern Gentleman got home from a long weekend in Sin City and he was exhausted. I woke him up and we decided to make dinner at home. We ran to the store, grabbed some steaks, lettuce, and stone crab claws. It was so fabulous! We were in the kitchen together and it was perfecto... felt more than natural.
He fed me stone crab claws. Our dear Southern Gentleman insisted he crack them all. I could get used to be cherished like that. More balance than I've ever known. After dinner we just stood in and talked and talked - catching up on the past 6 months in depth.
This house only has one bed. My plan was he'd sleep in the bed and I'd take the comfy couch. The Southern Gentleman was insistent that we share the little bed. He was the first under the covers and I followed after getting the hounds settled. I crawled in and he immediately cuddled with me.
It felt so good to have him right there next to me, enveloping me. My heart sang and simultaneously jumped out of my chest with pure excitement. No, no horizontal shenanigans occurred. But more on my theory of that later. I fell asleep surrounded by bliss and peace knowing that that very feeling at that very moment is a feeling that I will soon know daily. I am sure I slept with a smile on my face that night....
Go head, pour a little more booze in your glass. You need a proper drink. A bit of a kick never hurt anyone, other than maybe me on Friday night.
So the arrival on Wednesday afternoon. I looked adorable and feminine and soft and all those sorts of good things. He called in the morning when he was driving to the airport. Anticipation was palpable from both of us. During his call, The Southern Gentleman tells me, "I look a little different than last time. Something changed." I figured facial hair since that seems to be what changes when he is abroad. He tells me to guess to which I coyly tell him that I'd rather keep it a surprise for when I see him with my baby blues.
Of course, shit hit the fan at work the previous day and I was working like a dog to make sure everything was done so I could get out a bit early from my chains to fetch him. Only had a few straggling things to finish that evening and we'd be set.
I left later than planned but it gave him time to get his checked bag. I slowly drive along the pickup area looking for him and poof! the vision sitting out front - tanned skin, tall, muscular frame - oh this man is pure yumminess to the eye. He spies me as well and immediately he there before me and he envelopes me in a huge hug. The change was that he had a few blond (more orange) highlights on the front of his hair... no great shakes.
Immediately we are in the car heading to my house and we pick up as if it were only weeks since we'd seen each other - and not the 6 months that is reality. It was grand. I give him the tour of the house and he met the hounds. The hounds simply adore The Southern Gentleman. Especially the big hound. She was virtually trying to jump in his lap and give him kisses (which is very much out of character for her). If I did not know better, I would swear she understood when I told her for weeks that her new and forever daddy was coming to see her. The Southern Gentleman enjoyed them - that was genuine.
We talked a bit and then I went to finish my work in my 'home office', while he read on the couch and subsequently fell asleep on the couch. On Sunday, The Southern Gentleman got home from a long weekend in Sin City and he was exhausted. I woke him up and we decided to make dinner at home. We ran to the store, grabbed some steaks, lettuce, and stone crab claws. It was so fabulous! We were in the kitchen together and it was perfecto... felt more than natural.
He fed me stone crab claws. Our dear Southern Gentleman insisted he crack them all. I could get used to be cherished like that. More balance than I've ever known. After dinner we just stood in and talked and talked - catching up on the past 6 months in depth.
This house only has one bed. My plan was he'd sleep in the bed and I'd take the comfy couch. The Southern Gentleman was insistent that we share the little bed. He was the first under the covers and I followed after getting the hounds settled. I crawled in and he immediately cuddled with me.
It felt so good to have him right there next to me, enveloping me. My heart sang and simultaneously jumped out of my chest with pure excitement. No, no horizontal shenanigans occurred. But more on my theory of that later. I fell asleep surrounded by bliss and peace knowing that that very feeling at that very moment is a feeling that I will soon know daily. I am sure I slept with a smile on my face that night....
31 March 2008
more later...
the southern gentleman's visit was good. low key but good.
i definitely had a level of expectation that was way out of the stratosphere, which kinda marred the goodness factor a bit until i re-grounded myself.
he was tired from his party-like-a-rock-star trip the previous weekend. so the mood was a little on the tired side.
we had a few interesting conversations... generalities as opposed to using each other's names...
we are still planning our holiday abroad. he said he'd come back to SxSWland before i leave. most importantly, he called me last night when he finally arrived home. we spoke about 20 minutes and all the while he had this dreamy quality to his voice.
moral of the story, i learned that we are operating on his schedule and not mine. his schedule is moving at a different pace than mine. obviously, i must continue to work on my patience... that damn 'p' word i love so much :(
as the title implies, i will connect the dots of our weekend later this evening...
i definitely had a level of expectation that was way out of the stratosphere, which kinda marred the goodness factor a bit until i re-grounded myself.
he was tired from his party-like-a-rock-star trip the previous weekend. so the mood was a little on the tired side.
we had a few interesting conversations... generalities as opposed to using each other's names...
we are still planning our holiday abroad. he said he'd come back to SxSWland before i leave. most importantly, he called me last night when he finally arrived home. we spoke about 20 minutes and all the while he had this dreamy quality to his voice.
moral of the story, i learned that we are operating on his schedule and not mine. his schedule is moving at a different pace than mine. obviously, i must continue to work on my patience... that damn 'p' word i love so much :(
as the title implies, i will connect the dots of our weekend later this evening...
24 March 2008
Another 48 Hours
48 hours from now....
... The Southern Gentleman will be here
... We will have already finished one cocktail
... He will have met the dogs
... I will have given him a tour of my new temporary digs
... I will be pouring our second cocktail
... We will be catching up on life in the past six months since we've seen each other
... Deep conversations to follow
... hopefully change will be afoot
... The Southern Gentleman will be here
... We will have already finished one cocktail
... He will have met the dogs
... I will have given him a tour of my new temporary digs
... I will be pouring our second cocktail
... We will be catching up on life in the past six months since we've seen each other
... Deep conversations to follow
... hopefully change will be afoot
19 March 2008
a week from today...
the southern gentleman arrives.
i am full of emotions. excitement. giddiness. anticipation. nervousness. eager. scared. disbelief that is laced with joy. full-on pms does not help any of this either.
facing the reality that my world is truly changing, evolving. ready to let him in; ready to jump off that cliff, unsure of what lays waiting for me below but knowing deep within my being that this jump will end with a safe landing.
finding myself surprised at the level of belief i have, the faith, the knowing. have never been an 'all chips on one red square' kind-of girl. but in this situation, i wholeheartedly am.
the high level itinerary is assembled. the easter basket should arrive today. he is off for a brief holiday tomorrow as am i.
and a week from today, fireworks will go off when he arrives at SxSWland...
i am full of emotions. excitement. giddiness. anticipation. nervousness. eager. scared. disbelief that is laced with joy. full-on pms does not help any of this either.
facing the reality that my world is truly changing, evolving. ready to let him in; ready to jump off that cliff, unsure of what lays waiting for me below but knowing deep within my being that this jump will end with a safe landing.
finding myself surprised at the level of belief i have, the faith, the knowing. have never been an 'all chips on one red square' kind-of girl. but in this situation, i wholeheartedly am.
the high level itinerary is assembled. the easter basket should arrive today. he is off for a brief holiday tomorrow as am i.
and a week from today, fireworks will go off when he arrives at SxSWland...
14 March 2008
Things
Hot off the presses from CheddarX:
Name 5 things you are looking forward to
1. The Southern Gentleman’s upcoming visit (T-minus 12 days! 12!)
2. The Bluebonnets blooming in abundance
3. The day when The Southern Gentleman and I are an official item
4. Obtaining my job certification (but I have to finish the paperwork first…)
5. Embarking on a new chapter in my life
Name 4 things you wish you could do again
1. My 33rd birthday weekend – it was fabulous
2. Instead of going along with ex-leech to the frozen tundra, insisted we went to my adopted uncle’s memorial
3. Made a trip to see Goofy Buddy before he died
4. The Montevideo holiday... heavenly sangria and juicy red meat... yum!
Name 3 experiences you wish you could share with your SO
1. The heart filling joy coming home to my dogs gives me, daily
2. An understanding of how truly happy hearing his voice makes me
3. Several of my past world travel adventures
Name 2 things you wish you hadn't said
1. My Christmas work-related meltdown
2. Telling Montana Man about The Southern Gentleman’s first visit
Name 1 thing that keeps you from going completely insane
1. Knowing that tomorrow will be better with the help of my pal, the vodka martini
Name 5 things you are looking forward to
1. The Southern Gentleman’s upcoming visit (T-minus 12 days! 12!)
2. The Bluebonnets blooming in abundance
3. The day when The Southern Gentleman and I are an official item
4. Obtaining my job certification (but I have to finish the paperwork first…)
5. Embarking on a new chapter in my life
Name 4 things you wish you could do again
1. My 33rd birthday weekend – it was fabulous
2. Instead of going along with ex-leech to the frozen tundra, insisted we went to my adopted uncle’s memorial
3. Made a trip to see Goofy Buddy before he died
4. The Montevideo holiday... heavenly sangria and juicy red meat... yum!
Name 3 experiences you wish you could share with your SO
1. The heart filling joy coming home to my dogs gives me, daily
2. An understanding of how truly happy hearing his voice makes me
3. Several of my past world travel adventures
Name 2 things you wish you hadn't said
1. My Christmas work-related meltdown
2. Telling Montana Man about The Southern Gentleman’s first visit
Name 1 thing that keeps you from going completely insane
1. Knowing that tomorrow will be better with the help of my pal, the vodka martini
12 March 2008
Remembering Routine
Life has been hectic.
Work has ramped up. Each work day is growing closer to a twelve hour day. Without internet access at home (besides trying to eat up the weak unencrypted signal that is only available at the front of the house), I have not been turning on the computer in the evening.
I forgot how much responsibility the dogs are... like the amount of potty breaks. In the morning, simply putting them outside when we wake up and then again before I leave for the office consumes a minimum of 15 minutes on a good day. 15 minutes that I - a very non-morning person - cannot afford to lose. At least we are all starting to get into a routine finally. I have resorted to setting up a lot of things at night to ease the morning rush... makes me feel so very soccer mom :( Funny but sad, how a routine make life somehow a bit easier...
But in the things to look forward to department, The Southern Gentleman arrives two weeks from today!! (still squealing with delight!) I have several things to do in preparation for his arrival, like keep house, clean dogs, stock food, acquire copious amounts of liquor, and look ravishing. Obviously, the next two weeks will be very busy, but that will only make the days go by faster and our tall, dark, and handsome Southern Gentleman will be here before we know it!
At least I know what I will be wearing to fetch him from the airport... my other Steve Madden dress, black patent leather heels, and my new intoxicating Cartier perfume... dee-lish!
Work has ramped up. Each work day is growing closer to a twelve hour day. Without internet access at home (besides trying to eat up the weak unencrypted signal that is only available at the front of the house), I have not been turning on the computer in the evening.
I forgot how much responsibility the dogs are... like the amount of potty breaks. In the morning, simply putting them outside when we wake up and then again before I leave for the office consumes a minimum of 15 minutes on a good day. 15 minutes that I - a very non-morning person - cannot afford to lose. At least we are all starting to get into a routine finally. I have resorted to setting up a lot of things at night to ease the morning rush... makes me feel so very soccer mom :( Funny but sad, how a routine make life somehow a bit easier...
But in the things to look forward to department, The Southern Gentleman arrives two weeks from today!! (still squealing with delight!) I have several things to do in preparation for his arrival, like keep house, clean dogs, stock food, acquire copious amounts of liquor, and look ravishing. Obviously, the next two weeks will be very busy, but that will only make the days go by faster and our tall, dark, and handsome Southern Gentleman will be here before we know it!
At least I know what I will be wearing to fetch him from the airport... my other Steve Madden dress, black patent leather heels, and my new intoxicating Cartier perfume... dee-lish!
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