disbelief

disbelief  [dis-bi-leef] 

noun

1. the inability or refusal to believe or to accept something as true.

2. amazement; astonishment

This morning I still find myself in a state of disbelief regarding SuperDad's phone call. While the call itself was unexpected, his approach to the conversation and many of his statements simply blew me away as I never thought he, of all people, would be capable of forgiveness and compassion. 

He proudly shared with me that he's lost 40 pounds, going to quit smoking, physical health issues are nearly gone, selling his home, and getting his beach property. I was happy to hear things have turned around for him in the past seven months. He also shared he had been dating someone but broke it off once she wanted something more permanent. 

Then he said he missed me. That he thought we'd been good together. But he also realized that he hadn't made any effort to see me and he shouldn't have expected me to sit at home knitting every night waiting for something that wasn't happening. Then he said, "I just treat it like a dream." 

Never in a million years did I ever think I would hear anything remotely like that. Never.


But that doesn't change anything for me. Strangely enough, I have no desire to go back there. I simply don't want to go backwards. We can be friends just as we had been for some time, but nothing more than that. I genuinely like SuperDad and I do care about him but purely platonic.

and hell froze over

Thanks to my little buddy Skype I had a notification that today was SuperDad's birthday.

I debated and then proceeded to send him a simple "wishing you a happy birthday" text.

Shortly thereafter, the phone rang.

The caller ID read: SuperDad.

We spoke for an hour.

I was not expecting that phone call at all.

In fact, I am still in shock.

radio silence

This is the part of attempting to date that I hate: radio silence.

Communication with Said Potential Suitor #1 has been daily. Yesterday, radio silence. He could be busy. He could be dead. But I don't like the fact that I am disappointed. Combined with frustration about another Potential Suitor #2, who feels like he is being difficult and an arse to boot and I am realizing why I retreat into my comfort zone of no-men-is-a-okay-by-me.

I go into that zone due to the frustration, perceived games, inconsistency. I feel I try to be genuine and honest, but get frustrated when I don't feel that in return. It is "feel" that is the operative word, right. My feelings are based on my perception. What if my perception is skewed? What if I give up too easily? Get frustrated too easily? I worry that I let my inner skeptic take control of the reins at the moment any perceived grievance is lodged.

Maybe the time has come for me to put my big girl panties on and not worry about all this. Not to pick things apart. Not to give away my power. Just roll with it. Yes, that will be my new mantra every time the skeptic tries to barge in.

postponed

So you are eagerly awaiting the details of last night's big date, right?

Well, it did not happen. :(

Said Potential Suitor was struck ill; hence a reschedule for next week.

Yes, I was disappointed but some days shit happens. Potential Suitor was very apologetic and sincere, which was a nice change of pace.

Now to wait for next week's encounter...

and you're not gonna reach my telephone

What a weird week with the holiday plopped right smack dab in the middle. While my pea brain tells me it is Friday, somehow it feels more like a Tuesday or Wednesday to me. Let's simply blame the altitude for it all, shall we?

Things continue on in the realm of internet dating. One guy has proven to be annoying with his texting me to tell me he is calling from his land line. At that time, I was out and away from the phone. He left a voice message; however, he proceeded to follow up shortly there after with a text asking if I was around. Seriously, if I had been around don't you think I would have picked up the phone. That behavior right there has totally turned me off.

I am meeting a man on Monday evening. He writes well, has a good sense of humor, or more accurately a sense of humor that aligns with mine. The banter has been quite fun and I have been surprised at how much I have enjoyed being creative while corresponding with him. Of course, the cynic in me is creeping around the corner because on Monday is he going to look anything like his photos or being anything like what he's presented?? Gotta take the plunge, right!

Here's hoping I have positive things to report to y'all on Tuesday!

today's focus

Operation Clean Baby Clean continues, although I have  not made as much progress today as I'd like. Had a few phone calls throughout the day for the new client, so I was a bit scattered as I realized I know utterly nothing (at least that is how I feel). I totally realize a great deal of it is simply getting back into the game. Once I have the last vestiges of unpacking out of sight, I think I will feel more focused. At least that is the carrot I am dangling in front of my nose at the moment.

All unpacking and cleaning must be completed by Saturday as Cherry arrives on Sunday. The Cottage must look like a bona fide residence.

Dipped my toes back into the internet dating arena. Heart not completely in it but I know I have to start going out and meeting people, particularly men... because well, I haven't been on a proper date in some time. Namely the Super Dad and the Courier adventures don't count. Diversions and delusions do not equate to date.

Not feeling quite as grim today. Must figure out how to make this place work.

Off to finish some sorting so I can reward myself with a bath in my newly functional bath tub! Hooray!

bodies in motion

Stating the obvious: MOVING SUCKS. 


Yesterday marked three weeks that I drove from Austin to Denver Suburban Hell. While completing a nearly 1,000 mile drive in one day is demanding enough, the subsequent unpacking, cleaning, sorting have been exhausting. 


The drive was tough but not because leaving at 4 AM is grueling. I have found the earlier I leave is better on the back end, especially when driving through Colorado wilderness that includes highway loving deer. Bambi scares me. I was amazed that I now know that drive cold. More so, I was shocked by how empty the car felt without Lulu. Lulu. My co-pilot, my navigator, my McDonald's hamburger eater. Our stops ate away at me. Our Abilene gas station with adjoining vet office. The Paducah gas station where Lu first learned that the imaginary wall between the front bucket seats and her back seat bench was in fact invisible; she'd stick her long slender nose at me from that day forward through the invisible wall. The Childress McDonald's where I get coffee, Lu gets a few hamburgers and we split fries (and on our last trip, she demanded she get out of the car to inspect the parking lot). Another area that required great investigation by Lulu was the dirt lot near the Love gas station in Boise City, where she damn near refused to get back into the car. Sorta makes me wonder if her bit of stubbornness and crankiness was due to the cancer's presence? Or simply because Lulu had finally found her voice and wasn't afraid to use it. The open roads were littered with memories of Lulu. I'll even admit a few times talking to her in back seat just because I was on coffee-induced autopilot. 


But I made it here. With a sad heart, a bit of hope for my new job at the ranch, and terrible allergies caused by a house full of dust and cardboard boxes. It is amazing the amount of dust that accumulates in an empty house. The miller moths and spiders have thrown millions of parties over the past five years as evidenced by the body count I have sucked up with my trusty canister vacuum. But I am getting close to done. Clean, sort, unpack, clean, ponder where this item should go, clean, ponder some more, unpack in the mean time, clean, clean, ugh! 


In fact, I have to get back to that as my first house guest arrives on Sunday! Yes, Cherry will be here on her drive back to Austin! 

disappointment has a name

Within the confines of my current company, I had two choices: Southern Gentleman or exile.

I have struggled with this decision. Struggled greatly. Needless to say, everything moved into high gear when my 2-to-3 week prescribed (and typically longer) wait was trumped with a job offer last Friday. Interview on Tuesday. Job offer on Friday. My head is still swimming.

My choice of jobs - Work-from-home or Southern Gentleman-ville. A difficult choice. Career versus life/love. A phone call with the Southern Gentleman this morning made the answer very clear and simple.

I chose work-from-home. Better for my career path, and clearly from Southern Gentleman's lack of enthusiasm, the choice of choices. My career takes precedence over the Southern Gentleman's forgetfulness of telling me the distance to his city as opposed to extolling the distances of Asheville, Charlotte, and Atlanta. There was no "it would be great to see you more often"; no pleasantries afforded a platonic, casual friend. So easily, my career and long-term success takes the lead.

I did not press or cajole.I don't want to try to force the Southern Gentleman into anything. My days of bright-eyed, blind hope are dead; his jacked-up perception has closed our delicate dance.My months of clarity have obviously been confirmed with gigantic bold exclamation marks.

I chose reality and my happiness over trying to make someone else happy. It looks like I have learned a thing or two.

how do you measure a year

March marked five years since my Austin odyssey began. Of course, I have been overly sentimental about the entire contract-coming-to-an-end ordeal. However, I look back at the past five years and I can't help but feel utter and pure awe.

I grew up in Austin. I grew up, learned who I am as well as who I am not. I tested my limits learning where I excel and where I have no business going. For the first time in my life, I made true friends. Friends I could call when Lulu drama was in full swing and those friends would drop everything to help me. Friends who picked up the pieces when I couldn't. Friends who tried. I also learned the difference between friend and frienemy. I learned what I was capable of. The depth of love and unwavering strength that dwells within me. I learned to conquer my fears, to be okay with me. I look in the mirror and I actually love who I see.

Life has changed a lot here as well. People changed, I changed. But the common denominator, if it existed, has made sure our bonds remained strong and intact. While I stay alone, others have married, had babies and yet as life changes radically, our common denominator has remained constant. Friendships growing and changing in a healthy way and oh, how that makes my heart sing!

Thank you, Austin. You gave me a home unlike any other. I found myself here. I learned about me and how wonderful my world truly is. Thank you for both the overflowing joy and the heartbreak that taught me about my capabilities and the capabilities of others. Love. Unconditional. Unbreakable. Pure. Thank you.

Whatever the future holds, I will be ready and able to handle it because Austin gave me the tools I need. 

because john knows a thing or two...

“I have said that Texas is a state of mind, but I think it is more than that. It is a mystique closely approximating a religion. And this is true to the extent that people either passionately love Texas or passionately hate it and, as in other religions, few people dare to inspect it for fear of losing their bearings in mystery or paradox. But I think there will be little quarrel with my feeling that Texas is one thing. For all its enormous range of space, climate, and physical appearance, and for all the internal squabbles, contentions, and strivings, Texas has a tight cohesiveness perhaps stronger than any other section of America. Rich, poor, Panhandle, Gulf, city, country, Texas is the obsession, the proper study, and the passionate possession of all Texans.”
― John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America