update

Live has been busy here in Adventureland.

At the beginning of June, I was relieved of the funemplpyment status. A position I applied for on a whim due to its close location turned into the everything-I-asked-for position. I love going there every day even though it is not easy or pretty - I simply love it and refer to it as "the happiest place on Earth," Disneyland. 

Things with Nelson and I have been over for some time now. There was never a break up to be pointed to; he merely stopped caring for sex, then stopping calling. I am not angry that it is over as I was starting to feel that I was with an older version of my ex-husband, The Leech. I am disappointed that he doesn't have the balls to tell me that he is done. 

As much as I try to convince myself that life here isn't bad, I continue to hate it here. Today the realization that I have no friends here hit hard. People here lack any warmth or concern. The utter aloneness I deal with on a daily basis is starting to take its toll. 

And things are that easy for me to simply declare, "pack the house up and head back to Austin". I realized in May that life in Austin isn't the same as it was when I lived there. I keep focus on what is laying around the next curve for me because quite frankly I cannot read tea leaves to discern what's next. I never fathomed Austin would be magical. I remain steadfast in my unwaivering faith that I am here in this dreadful place to learn a lesson, for something significant in my life to occur, something that I am cannot dream of. 

Any more I spend my days at work, head to the gym and hang out with the pups. A quiet monastical life.  

oink

While I am coping fairly well with the layoff, or fUNemployment as I am calling it these days, my food consumption choices have been dismal. I refuse to step on the scale because my loose clothes aren't as loose and I quite frankly don't want to see the number. 

Last week I started returning to normal programming. No more going over to my parents' house to graze on all their bad foods. Keeping only healthy stuff in my house. No going out. Spending quality time at the gym. 

Of course, over the weekend, there was a bit of Chinese food in the picture. But a small slip is okay. 

Opted not to go to the gym last night as Nelson came over. We did take the dogs on a walk at least. 

I know my weight will come back into check once the uncertainty, limbo is gone. I just need to keep chipping away with exercise and relaxation. 

last thing i expected

March 31st was my last day at The Ranch. 

On Tuesday April 1, I awoke feeling free. Not the feeling I expected at all. Since then, I have been watchful, awaiting fear and panic to knock on my door. Neither has shown up. In fact, only torrents of relief, happy anticipation, and calmness are my frequent visitors. I welcome them with open arms even though I have completely surprised myself. 

I am enjoying getting my long to-do lists done, peace being brought into my life with each of my actions. Interviews are starting up. Realizations that I am so beyond qualified, have unique skills has made my confidence rise. I am and truly believe I am a rock star. 

I know like I know like I know that only goodness is going to come from all of this. More life balance, fewer overtime hours, more happiness, more money, more growth. More of everything that makes my heart sing and puts the wind in my sails. 

I cannot wait to see how amazing my next step is going to be!

forks in the road

Life changed on Thursday 28 February. I dialed into a conference call where I was informed that I was laid off. 

Since late last summer, I had an inkling that if there was a layoff, I would be number one on the list due to incestuous nature of my current team. I knew I was the odd man out, which was precisely why I had been actively looking for an internal transfer. 

Needless to say, I hit the ground running from the moment I received the news. I started using my seventeen years of contacts at The Ranch to find another job. I have knocked on millions of doors and have jobs lined up. Just waiting for the green light of the reprieve.

Y'all have been around here long enough to know that patience is not my virtue. I was good up until last Friday because I was busy, active, making my future happen. Now I am in the wait mode and I don't operate well there. 

Compound that with being anxious about what-ifs, and I haven't been the most fun with Nelson. I have snapped at him, gone nuts about money and splitting of bills. I think last night Nelson finally had his fill with me. I think it is over with us. 

I don't know if I should apologize. Tales of people being unemployed for years got me tail-spun. Remembering the endless dead ends on jobs when I was working so damn hard at staying in Austin. Not a single phone call from Austin companies a few years ago only adds to my apprehension. Just the basic thought at the possibility of cutting back on everything and anything. All the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Idle hands make Patsy a crazy bitch. 

I find myself sad at the thought of no more Nelson. Yes, things he does do drive me batty. But by the same token, we laugh a lot when we're together. 

I worry that I have been alone too long. Being cut off for years has not made me a more flexible person. Do I let Nelson quietly float off into the sunset or do I try to work on things?  I admitted my wrongs, I know what I responsible for, my contributions to the problem. 

Right now I am facing my worst fear - not being able to successfully take care of myself - and this stare down is starting to break me down. I don't like how the vulnerability is swirling through my being. But I fear any attempt at explaining that to Nelson will only be looked upon as an excuse. 

I don't know what to do next. 

Sincerely, 
Lost and Alone in the Snow 

overload

For the past month or so, weekends have been jam-packed with activities. So much so that when Monday rolls in, I feel a sense of relief that my dull little routine will allow for some very necessary rest. This weekend proved no exception.

Continually busy, I simply rolled from commitment to commitment. While it was fun, I do need to be better about ensuring I do carve in weekend down time. I head out to wine country for a long weekend and think that will be just what the doctor ordered to help me establish balance once again.

Things with Nelson continue to be good. We went out on Friday evening and saw each other again on Saturday evening. Sunday morning he made pancakes for breakfast. He is super sweet but part of me fears that he is gearing up to get to serious once the turkey day festivities are over. A case in point is the conversation of his puppy and introducing said puppy to my girls, followed up with bringing the travel crate over. It is the travel crate portion that scares me because I don't want another dog, let alone a spastic puppy running around my house full time on the weekends. I suppose it all about the negotiation, right?  There is also a part of me that thinks I am simply looking for any excuse to cut bait, because when serious comes knocking at the door, this girl bolts.

We have fun. Time flies when we are together. He genuinely cares about me. I love that there aren't any games. Everything is straight-forward and honest. All characteristics I haven't known for an extremely long time. Maybe all I need is to breath deep, calm down and work my angst out here.

a pleasant surprise

This evening marks my sixth date with Nelson. This encounter has caught me by surprise as on the surface Nelson is not what I typically go far, specifically, he isn't tall. But oh is he nice, kind, and so sincere. Conversation flows so easily and time passes so quickly when we are together. It is wonderful.

I feel so at ease with him. There is none of the angst that I had clearly gotten so used to with the weirdness of The Southern Gentleman. I didn't realize how stifled I felt around The Southern Gentleman until this freedom became palpable with each conversation I have with Nelson.

On our first date, he arrived at my door with a pair of soft, fuzzy blue socks in hand. A little joke present for me since he endured my cold feet. He said he saw them at the store and knew I needed them. 

The night before the anniversary of Lulu's death was another of our dates. I found myself overcome with sadness and seriously considered cancelling on Nelson but decided against it. I got myself composed in time for his arrival, but he knew something was up as he inquired as soon as he walked through the door. I was able to live in the moment with him as opposed to remain in "that time" two years prior and we had a lovely time. When we returned to my house, I lost it a bit and the Lulu stories simply started flowing out of me. He was so wonderful throughout that as he understood because he lost his hound girl recently. With most people that would have been a last date, however, he continued to tell me he was so happy I shared that with him. He even sent me a lovely email and poem about it the following day.

Tonight, we are going out again. The second time this week and not the last. I am looking forward to seeing Nelson again tonight.

follow though, otherwise known as a refreshing change

This weekend I attended a few Halloween parties. I knew relatively no one at either, but I felt the need to get the sewing machine out and concoct a costume. Ah, how I love sewing. Especially when I have an idea and simply construct without a pattern. The perfect synergy of creativity and problem solving!

Because I wanted to wear my fabulous blue wig, there was only one costume choice: Katy Perry. I had a great time recreating her California Gurls' candy land dress. Luckily more people recognized who I was this year as opposed to my awesome J-Woww from last year.

During the second party, a man approached me. We talked for awhile and then I felt the need to circulate. During my circulation period, I later discovered that Nelson was busy obtaining G2 on me as well as imploring our mutual friend, Lonnie for assistance because he was not "looking for a hook up but wants to date her [me]." Nelson also expressed concern to Lonnie when he saw one of our married friends grab my bum. Lonnie explained it was one of out harmless marrieds.

Around 2 AM, I had to ditch the costume because the wig was simply making my head hurt and it was getting cold.  Nelson was back on it and we did have nice conversation. We ended up staying up until just short of 6 AM and then retired to the guest room.

I had no intention of sleeping with him, but I was surprised I didn't have to say anything because he beat me to the punch declaring that "there would be plenty of time for that later." I did a double take. While there was a bit of kissy face, there wasn't anything else. Poor guy even let me wear his socks to bed as I was fully clothed and still frozen, especially my feet.

He left mid-morning, delicately retrieving his socks. I stirred long enough to say good-bye and eat a few ibuprofen.  Since Lonnie and I had planned on post-party brunch and she was still dead to the world, I went back to bed.

I didn't stir again until the early afternoon. Lonnie and I enjoyed a thorough debrief of the events of the entire party. During this time, I received a few text messages from Nelson. Clearly, this man does not let any grass grow under his feet.

On Monday, I received more text messages from Nelson. One of which was inquiring if I was available on Wednesday or Thursday this week. Holy cow! I am not used to such behavior! When I told him that Thursday worked better, he replied that he would call me tonight to hash out a plan. A phone call?! Again, holy cow!

And Nelson did call. Of course, I missed it because I turned off the mobile ringer when I was at the gym and forgot to turn it back on afterwards. I snatched up my mobile to look up a word that was in a book I was reading and poof! I saw the missed call notification. He thought I lived on the south side of town and had a whole plan for that, so he was thrown for a curve ball when I clarified I lived on the north end, which is near him. So he will be picking me up at 7 PM on Thursday.

And the adventures continue...

thirty days have november

Holy cow! November is here. Sadly, that means a whole bunch of things in my world and only one of them is that the year is almost over.

November marks my birthday and the anniversary of Lulu's death. Two big things that make me realize how fleeting life truly is. Especially since this will be my last year in my thirties. Now that is a scary thought!

Since all my friends are in Austin, this birthday won't be much simply because I will be in Denver. I reminisce about my fabulous birthday last year; I was in Austin surrounded by all my amazing friends. An evening filled with laughter and love. Happiness was actually palpable.

It is those type of memories that make everything feel so off here. But I remain steadfast in my belief that the correct next step will present itself when I am ready for it.

Once the calendar changed to November, I experience a profound sadness that had lessen in previous months as the second anniversary of Lulu's death stands out prominently. Two years that my darling left me. Unfortunately, it feels as if much more time has passed. I have finally figured out that this hole in my heart will never be filled.

On to happier topics tomorrow!

daily grind

No Bernard stories for y'all as he did not come out on Friday night. At least I looked cute and did enjoy myself regardless.

Work has been busier than usual, which has taken my mind away from such frivolous things as Bernard. Even though I am feeling an itty bit better about the day-to-day work activities, along comes an unnecessary sucker punch that full on reminds me that I must look for another job as of October 1st.

My runs have picked up lately. Clearly, this whole proper half marathon training thing has some form of validity to it. Strenuous activity 6 days a week for 15 weeks has taken a toll on my body recently. The pain doesn't seem to dissipate as quickly as it once did. Oddly, I wake up at 4:45 AM rather bright eyed and bushy tailed, which is truly sick for a non-morning person. Maybe that is changing.

Off to work out and there is a four mile run facing me in the dark hours of the morning.

Ta-ta for now! 

rekindling

I received a text message yesterday from a random phone number.

As I read the message I almost fell out of my chair because it was from Bernard!

Remember Bernard, the Fourth of July man?

He stated that he only got my email today when he logged on to the site, which is completely understandable. But he sent me a message almost immediately thereafter. We talked via SMS back and forth for about an hour. Not anything earth shattering but he made the effort and thus my hope in humanity was restored. Honestly, I was so exited to hear from him.

I may see him on Friday. I am looking forward to that prospect. Now to decide what to wear... that is the kind of problem I enjoy having :)