11 March 2014

forks in the road

Life changed on Thursday 28 February. I dialed into a conference call where I was informed that I was laid off. 

Since late last summer, I had an inkling that if there was a layoff, I would be number one on the list due to incestuous nature of my current team. I knew I was the odd man out, which was precisely why I had been actively looking for an internal transfer. 

Needless to say, I hit the ground running from the moment I received the news. I started using my seventeen years of contacts at The Ranch to find another job. I have knocked on millions of doors and have jobs lined up. Just waiting for the green light of the reprieve.

Y'all have been around here long enough to know that patience is not my virtue. I was good up until last Friday because I was busy, active, making my future happen. Now I am in the wait mode and I don't operate well there. 

Compound that with being anxious about what-ifs, and I haven't been the most fun with Nelson. I have snapped at him, gone nuts about money and splitting of bills. I think last night Nelson finally had his fill with me. I think it is over with us. 

I don't know if I should apologize. Tales of people being unemployed for years got me tail-spun. Remembering the endless dead ends on jobs when I was working so damn hard at staying in Austin. Not a single phone call from Austin companies a few years ago only adds to my apprehension. Just the basic thought at the possibility of cutting back on everything and anything. All the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Idle hands make Patsy a crazy bitch. 

I find myself sad at the thought of no more Nelson. Yes, things he does do drive me batty. But by the same token, we laugh a lot when we're together. 

I worry that I have been alone too long. Being cut off for years has not made me a more flexible person. Do I let Nelson quietly float off into the sunset or do I try to work on things?  I admitted my wrongs, I know what I responsible for, my contributions to the problem. 

Right now I am facing my worst fear - not being able to successfully take care of myself - and this stare down is starting to break me down. I don't like how the vulnerability is swirling through my being. But I fear any attempt at explaining that to Nelson will only be looked upon as an excuse. 

I don't know what to do next. 

Lost and Alone in the Snow