26 February 2008

Off the grid

I have been off the grid due to moving. Yup, pulled a Beverly Hillbillies, loaded up the car and headed southeast. The pups were splendid on the drive. Did one long push. Arrived in one piece and we are currently settled.

Life is grand because I have my girls with me again. Somehow we will make our way through fleas and ticks alive. But they are here with me. A huge weight has been lifted.

More later... ta-ta for now :)

19 February 2008

Today is one of those days where I can look back on it and think to myself "maybe I really can keep a human child alive."

My baby, the big dog, got her teeth cleaned today. I ensured she did not eat after 8 PM last night and revoked all water privileges this morning. At the vet's office, I ranted over the fact that her low body fat did not require full anesthetic as I will not have my baby die even though the preggo 22 year old vet tech tells me I am a loon. Yes, damn it, I will pay the extra 20 quid for blood work because my big, goofy, love-of-my-life girl is worth it.

Rather than being sleepy and having to carry the 60 pound hunk of burnin' love to the car tonight, she was all tripped out, panting, jumpy, wild-eyed crack whore. Almost four hours later, we've worked a lot of it out of her system and the wild gleam has left her eye. I picked her up and kept her curled up on my lap. With that, she instantly relaxed and fell into a deep sleep.

I have done a far better job with these two puppy girls than anyone ever gave me credit. My two canine babies are alive, healthy, and thriving (compared to when I rescued them). If I can make my actions and unconditional love count for two animals, then I should be able to survive this whole baby thing.

18 February 2008

Wednesday Palm Madness

I got off the fence. A few weeks ago I made an appointment for a reading. For the first time ever, I feel as though I know a little too much. It was a lot of information to process. But I definitely got the direction I was seeking because quite honestly lately I have been feeling a bit lost in terms of the big picture.

Over the years, I have realized it is important to document these readings; years later it generally makes sense. I scheduled a private reading ~ not fair stuff where there are distactions abound.

I made the trek to her place. It was a scenic drive and just long enough to make me question why the hell I was doing this. The view was breathtaking.

Funny thing is - toxic Montana Man is first on the menu. I was given explicit directions on how to rid myself of him. The lesson to learn is for me and not him. I have to stand up to him. In a past life, rather than deal with him, I threw myself off a bridge. Since I took the jumper route as opposed to dealing with him, I am forced to deal with him now. With zero help from me, she nailed the amount of money he owes as well as how much I have been paid to date. Also interesting was that she mentioned his desired "friends" arrangement.

Next up, my moving. She stated I'd move to a city that started with either a "C" or an "N" - however not "Chicago". Wheels turned in my head and I shared with her the location that I thought those letters represented becuase the distinction was undeniable - The Southern Gentleman's realm.

We spend time on The Southern Gentleman. It is him. Marriage will occur between 1 1/4 and 1 3/4 years from now. She said she kept seeing a gaugue like a gas tank gauge swinging between 1 1/4 and 1 3/4. She said she sees us walking by a river (same as the SuperFly Palm lady). The river. She tells me we'll have two children - a boy and a girl and it appears there will be a surprise third - a little boy becuase he is hiding behind the legs of his older brother. The first son will tell us he wants a little brother. She then asks me if The Southern Gentleman is Asian or of some ethnic descent that would cause the first boy to have dark skin. I confirmed that it is The Southern Gentleman. She breathed a sign of relief due to my pastey whitness. She said the girl will favor my fair complexion. She further went on to say that I will be pregnant shortly after we get married, possibly just before we get married. Wackiness is that SuperFly said the same thing "you guys will hit it and you'll be preggo right after getting married." Yikes!

My great love of children was discussed even though my childhood was not ideal. I had an aunt who showed me great love - yes. I travel for work and pleasure, meshing the two - yes - and I will continue that throughout my life. I will want to move in June but in reality it will be mid- July/August. Wedding by the ocean; a honeymoon involving a boat (maybe a cruise) becuase she saw a ship's wake. One side of The Southern Gentleman's family is quite large becuase they turn a corner and she cannot see them all. She asks if I sketch - no - she then asks if The Southern Gentleman does - and he does as he always draws little things in the cards he sends me. He will do some sort of little sketching for my book. Yes, the writing came up. The fact that I am dabbling now. Writing, cooking, and "something with push pins" - could not figure out the push pin thing. I will start new things.

For work, I sepnd a lot of time on the phone - bingo! I will be done with work sooner than I think. Starting own business and it will branch into two, but one will be more successful than the other. She described that The Southern Gentleman favors one side when he walks - and he does. He enjoys my independence. We discussed how he has always wanted to help solve my various problem and that his "big brother"ness is due to the fact that we were siblings in a past life. Although I will not work for the same company, my life will continue to have a level of work stress, however due it being my own (our) business, the stress will be manageable as even with the option to be a stay-at-home mother, I will not go that route. I need to put forth my feelings for The Southern Gentleman.

There was a diagonal line through my right hand that shows The Southern Gentleman coming into my life and intersecting all levels of my life. She asked which of us was "the lucky one" - actually both of us are, for our ages we've both done quite well - how this star-on-top-of-star is on my hand, together we will have this powerful synergy.

Our conversation spanned two hours, with only 50 minutes of reading she charged me for. I was bowled over by the three children - that was a little to much information - but at least I know that was is in my heart is correct, that whole trust my intution thing. Maybe she is a fake, maybe she isn't. Whatever it is, I feel more confident in being open with The Southern Gentleman and maybe that is all that matters.

14 February 2008

intuition finally coming through

It has been a crazy few days around here. I have been busy with work (as usual), busy packing up my little apartment and moving my junk in paper bags thrown into the car trunk (amazed by how much crap I've accumulated in 8 months), and all the while floating on Cloud 9.

Yes, The Southern Gentleman is back on the scene. Oh man alive is he back! Even though he is on a trip on the other side of the world, The Southern Gentleman is being bolder that I could have ever imagined. I am beyond happy!

Once he returns to the States, he is coming down here for another visit. I cannot wait. Must kick diet into high gear, Patsy darling! The pups finally meet him too. Somehow those two can wag their tails into the hearts of even the most non-animal friendly humans. I cannot wait to look into those eyes again - have those eyes looking into mine - oh am I ready to melt!

I am working through the possible scenarios as to avoid my classical freezing when he (or any male for that matter) gets around to the 64,000 Dollar Questions. I need to be ready to answer those hard hitting inquires, especially for The Southern Gentleman. I am working toward being vulnerable (as sharing my true feelings has always been the ultimate vulnerability for me).

My intuition told me that his trip would affect his perspective, coupled with his birthday (as he has openly shared that his biological clock is ticking and loudly too). The Southern Gentleman is only through half of his holiday and I can see the change happening already. Way to go, intuition!

What a nice change of pace! It is about damn time :-)

11 February 2008

House Guest

I had a house guest this past weekend. It was good to see my buddy as I have been out of town during her previous visits of late. We shopped. Ate. Drank. Smoked. Laughed. Talked. All those good girlie things.

It was also good to have her here so that I would not focus on my reading. Yes. I went to see the palm reader last week. As I have been on the fence regarding whether to go, I decided to make an appointment as I needed to know how to proceed with The Southern Gentleman. I needed the bit of direction that this woman could provide.

I will write more on that later. After having a few days to digest, I am ready to share my session.

08 February 2008

The "D" Word

Around Christmastime, I felt my depression trying to creep back up to the surface. I proceded to the acupuncturist rapidly to get my bod back in balance. It worked and the tears are no longer boiling just under the surface.

The beauty of this whole blogosphere is the realization, the sharing, the simply knowing I am not the only one out here who battles with the demon named clinical depression. But even beyond that is the fact that we discuss it openly, no longer masking it, hiding it.

Thank you to these wonderful women who help me with their openness about mental illness. It is good to know I am not alone in my battle.

04 February 2008

Leap of Faith

It is nearing a year that I started making my pilgrimage down to SxSWland. A housing option dropped into my lap. A wonderful option. Complete with a yard. Which means dogs can be with me instead of behind bars.

Even though it is only temporary, loading the dogs in the car and driving south feels a tiny bit scary. While my life has been uprooted this past year, this somehow feels monumental compared to my monthly jaunts between the two cities. Simultaneously exciting and scary.

I remind myself that my life down there will not change besides having to put the girls out and take care of a yard again. If anything, my life will be enhanced down there because my pups are with me. When I have a bad day at work, I can once again take joy in coming home to their unconditional love. This only makes SxSWland home more than ever.

Since the past spring, I have felt deep within my being SxSWland is home, where I belong - so why the touch of fear? Maybe because I like to have things laid out with all the t's crossed and i's dotted and the situation is not that clear. My control issues bubbling to the surface? I think so because I am still teetering in the land of uncertainty on numerous levels that span the gammet personally and professionally.

This will be a good change, temporary or not; it is a change that will certainly play an important, shaping role in my life journey.