27 April 2011

quick update

before i run out the door for the day, just a quick update on super dad.

after a week and a half of silence, i finally heard from him. he was in the hospital. the entire time.

21 April 2011

the leopard shows his spots

yesterday served as a marker. it has been exactly a week since i last spoke with super dad.

last thursday there was only an exchange of voicemail. the following day was complete and utter radio silence. i have called and left messages on both his home and mobile phones to no avail. since the voicemail boxes are not full, he is checking messages. just not returning my calls.

disappointed doesn't even begin to cover my feelings on this silence. we are old enough not to play these childish games. love me enough to tell me that we need a break. but don't simply disappear off the radar. it is not fair to disappear after he was in the hospital over night earlier last week. i was so very worried about the man i love.

but my worry and concern has moved to disappointment and is rapidly entering the anger zone.

08 April 2011

click your heels three times

My acupuncture treatments have made a huge difference in how I am feeling. The veil of depression has lifted. However, what is left behind still doesn't help me a whole lot. I am clear thinking, clear feeling, and both of those aspects are telling me that I am done in Austin. My passion is gone. I have learned what I needed to learn from the city.

The time has come to find a new adventure. I want and need to explore new places. There is a desperate need for balance screaming throughout my being. I need to have a life that consists of more than simply work. I am tired of feeling transient and dwelling in a constant state of limbo. There is no forward or back; only the uncertainty of purgatory. I am tired of limbo. I want to learn something new, have time to make a house a home again, feel a sense of normalcy, build a life with Super Dad.

I am 110% ready to start my next phase. If only extricating myself was that easy.

05 April 2011

how do you feel about me?

As I was cleaning out purses to donate, I stumbled upon a note from a boyfriend of long ago....

"I am a little confused about us. Are we going out? Just friends? I know we're friends, but what do you want? This girl invited back to her place for a drink last night after class, but I declined. I really like you, but I don't know how you feel about me. I know sending an e-mail isn't exactly the most romantic way to ask you out, but what do you think? I know you've got guys lined up outside your door, but I have to know if you're serious about us or not. If you want, you can give me a call tonight and talk about it, or if you're busy, send me something and tell me what's going on. I'd really like to know."

That was back in 1997. It made me realize how much my pattern has not changed over the years. Still cagey, secretive when it comes to matters of the heart. I have finally started to let my guard down with Super Dad and it has been quite nice.

I also laughed at the perpetual fallacy that I have men waiting in droves. I only wish that was true.

Coming home has been good. It is allowing me to clear out the past and dream about the future.