27 December 2006
Afterwards, my Needle Gal told me that my pulses are strong and balanced; unlike when I first arrived at her office. She further informed me that I can make my next appointment when I need it - whether it is 2 weeks, 3 weeks, a month, or hopefully never - just for tune ups.
I was so thrilled. Balance is what I sought, and I achieved it. I feel so wonderful because I took charge of my illness and found out how to beat it - for me. I found what works for me. I now know how to step in and stop the spiral.
Knowledge is so freeing. Knowing what is triggers me is key. Then being able to execute the next steps is just as key. Feeling whole again is sublime.
19 December 2006
This afternoon, I proceeded to the shrink's office with my little green notebook by my side - like always. The first wonderful surprise was that the stuck navigation CD magically ejected en route. Then for my appointment, we talked about my realizations, my epiphanies, my discoveries, my revelations, my new understandings, my new truths.
We delved further. We questioned and answered. Dialogue was wonderful - further solidifying my findings. Replacing the negative thoughts and learning to live by the new thinking was clear. Progress. Strides. Clear. Leaps. Bounds.
Shrink asked what was next. I told her I wanted to work on my severe commitment phobia. She stated that was merely a symptom of other deeper issues. Deeper issues I have explored, acknowledged, and am working toward making but a distant memory. Shrink believes my next relationship will not have the undertones of my past symptomatic deeper issues as a result. And you know what? I believe her. Breaking the pattern.
Shrink told me that I have reached the point where she can set me free. She'll still be available if I stumble. She knows I know the tools, she trusts that I will continue on the path of positive enlightenment. She has faith in me to continue living what we - she and I - worked so hard on. And I do too because I can't ever go back.
I was so happy that I cried. It was a lot of work. Going to a lot of places I didn't want to. It is amazing how scary your mind can be compared to a dark alley. But I made it. Sure, the work never stops, but the ugly stuff has been addressed.
I am proud of myself. And thrilled that I found the window and successfully jumped. Risks do pay off.
16 December 2006
Do we ever find that sweet spot Etta croons about? Or do we find the closest thing we can to that and call it a day?
Days go by and I find myself contemplating this question. I understand perfection does not exist but at the same time is there someone, a few people that I could possibly find happiness with. I know that I have to find happiness on my own, but I am speaking of the Double Mint Twin happiness that two people share. The inside jokes, the small glances that mean something, things that only two people know. Does compromise kick off the entire notion of compromise in the relationship?
Here I am at 32 and I have certainly kissed a lot of frogs. Where the fuck is my prince? When do I get my time in the sun? I still have growing up to do and certainly have growing old to do - and I want more than anything to do that with someone. I have learned how to live and live well on my own. I want to learn how to live and live well with someone.
I found two more gray hairs. Right in the front this time as if to mock me in the duo powers of reminding me that time is passing. I look at this life I've built - it is wonderful but it is also very lonely. I want to build a life with someone. I want a house filled with laughter again - I had that once and miss it ever so much.
I know I have work to do on myself. I know there are skeletons in my closet that must be sorted, acknowledged, and released. All that comes with time and I understand that. Patience, however, is not my forte. I want to be there now, but the journey is the bulk of the battle. And only then will I be able to say proudly with a loud voice, "At last!"
12 December 2006
I fell off the wagon.
The no horizontal shenanigans with MM wagon.
This is new territory for me. I have never gone here before. Surprisingly, I do not feel bad about it. I do not feel like this is a way for us to get back together. I do not feel all warm and fuzzy and full of renewed hope. It happened and that's it. It was fun. I was so excited to fit into my cute little Victoria Secret goodies. I was thrilled to feel so sexy in my slimmer body.
Am I compromising my morals? It isn't like I am sleeping with numerous men. Just one man.
I think this is part of finding myself through the veil of "shoulds" I have had dictated to me for years.
My developing outlook - Every now and then, it is okay and perfectly acceptable to fall off the wagon.
11 December 2006
Picture it - cleaning the windows of the car on a day that is cool enough for a light jacket. Add to that jacket a gyrl with shorts and sandals on. Quite a sight for my conservative, family land neighborhood.
But the shorts I was wearing are the point of the story. I wore those shorts in high school. Those same shorts fit again! Yippee!
Two pounds away from my goal and five pounds away from my stretch goal! Life is good!
10 December 2006
I was hesitant to meet up for Thanksgiving. But what am I waiting for? Why am I hesitant? What's the worse that could happen? We remain friends - I would not complain or be disappointed. BUT I would know.
Things that make me hesitant:
- This was the only man that I would have cheated on my ex-Leech with when I was married
- This is the only man I kissed while I was married
- I don't want to be faced with deciding whether or not we sleep together
- I don't want to be left hanging while he goes and does his thing and I mine
- He is my male sounding board
But, I have nothing to lose if I approach this as what it is - we are friends visiting. Nothing more, nothing less. This has nothing to do with MM and all to do with me.
Golf Champ and I worked together closely for a year. We were partners, a team, the dynamic duo of the bunch. The dynamic duo that was strongly attracted to each other but never acted upon those feelings.
Like I need anything else to ponder, but I will. I am thinking me in the Carolinas at the end of the month might be a good thing.
04 December 2006
I am not traumatized by the fact I did not get Dream Job. Instead, I am happy about the time it affords me to get life cleared up. I cannot wait to share this with the shrink. I am beginning to truly understand what triggers my depression and the thoughts that push me down the mountain into the black abyss. I am having dreams again - which is so refreshing even though the dreams tend to be a little disturbing.
The gal across the street - my pet sitter buddy - she called on Friday night. Called me rather than calling her piece of shit boyfriend that she'd just broken up with - again. I was happy Pet Sitter Buddy (PSB) called me. We spoke for awhile - she needed someone who gets it - understands the disappointment and hurt of a broken heart. I have lots of experience in that department.
I am ten years older than PSB. At her age, I was in such a different place. Spoofy was my sorta boyfriend - together but never spoke about our status. When Spoofy and I broke up, I was sad for a few days, shed a few tears and poof! the Spoof was done in my heart and head. I was looking forward to grad school, working and making some real cash.
PSB was speaking about "where are all the men?" I had to giggle to myself because the choices are so much better in her age bracket - and all I wanted to say but didn't was "just wait until you hit 32, my dear!" But I am thankful for the life experience I have gained in those ten years since the days of 21. I have seen the world, kissed a lot of frogs, loved a few frogs too. I have worked and had countless adventures. Sure I still care too much - I don't plan on being jaded - and my heart still gets broken - but I keep on hoping, dreaming, and wanting.
PSB has called several times to talk about her breakup. I listen and offer my insight when appropriate. She looks up to me as a big sister - one of the very few who understand what it is like being there, walking in those same shoes. I hope that in that sacred big sister role, I can help PSB to see that life is so much more than getting married by 22 and having kids and it is okay not to follow the traditional role if she choses not to. There is a whole world out there just waiting to have a bite taken out of it. Even on the days when I hate being at my table for one, I wouldn't change a thing. I happy with my choices - those choices have shaped me and granted me the fortune to meet some wonderful (and not-so wonderful) people and experience the essence of life. I have followed my heart and have been true to myself - what more can a girl ask for!!
30 November 2006
It is still fucking freezing here. I hate the snow. While it did melt some today - at least the sun came out a bit - it is still chilly.
Don't quite know how I am going to get myself out of bed in the complete darkness that is 5:30 AM.... gym day with Neighbor. I was hoping we'd get the rest of the week off due to inclement weather but alas I will burn some calories off my arse!
I started painting in the kitchen today. Thought about MM's lawyer whilest painting trim - really need to comparison shop I think.
I am bummed as I was not offered Dream Job at this time. I received that crushing blow to the abdomen and ego yesterday. But it also buys me time to get my life - personal life straightened out - find mind, body, soul nirvana before heading off into the wild blue yonder.
I am still melancholy as I looked forward to jetting off to Amsterdam after the first of the year. But hell hasn't frozen over yet, so hope can still burn within my heart. Because without hope, I am nothing.
29 November 2006
28 November 2006
Also it is shrink Tuesday! I am covering all my depression fronts today. But all that truly matters is I am feeling better. Slowly but sure, I am getting back on track.
It is getting chilly and gray here. The snow is coming. I hate snow.
Tonight - last knitting class! Mark that off the list.
27 November 2006
First order of business was to get the items from last night's adventure. Much to my disappointment, the two items - a curio cabinet and the coffee table - are on back order. Urgh! I. WANT. IT. NOW. INSTANT. GRATIFICATION. NOW! Alas, I will be waiting, hoping, and praying that the items arrive by mid-December. May the shipping gods have mercy on my desire to finish up the house. I am so over my college coffee table already.
Then I ordered my new boots on-line. The pointy ones are coming in black, the longer sleek pair in double espresso. I cannot wait for them to arrive. Sizing offered zero guidance. The gal said they fit "true to size" but what does that mean to the girl who takes a 7 1/2 or 8. Cuz ordered a pair of shoes from them last year in a 7 and they were a little small. Waiting, hoping, praying that the 7 1/2s fit.
The other on-line purchase was flowers for my southern pal who is recovering from a hysterectomy. The delivery charge was outrageous! 12 bucks! Shipping on the boots was 10 quid!
Tomorrow is another cash outlay day - I have my acupuncture treatment in the afternoon. I have been feeling the effects waning, so I am truly looking forward to recharging my ancient Chinese secrets. Also tomorrow night is my last knitting class. Must knit like a mad woman tonight to get the thing near to done stage.
The Doxie has her first appointment for a bath and cut with a groomer. This should be an adventure - the doxie is terrified of the vacuum and the little clipper I use to shave her bum - doxie will = basket case. But she will be all clean and pretty for her Sunday photo shoot with Santa.
<--- This is the doxie before photo
I had zero motivation today. I got up early to hit the gym with Neighbor. Tomorrow is busy so no painting will get done. But Wednesday is another story - want painting done.
Hopefully I will have some fun stories tomorrow as today was a dull one.
26 November 2006
I decided to go see the Palmist again. Today was the day. Cuz and the baby came. Of course, the baby was hungry and the Palmist was running behind, so Cuz went to car and did not get read.
Right off the bat, Palmist speaks of the car - the grey car - and the stopping motion of my discovery of the ease with which it can switch from automation to manual transmission. She had a difficult time beginning because I was giving off such an intense energy - the tingling of the intense emotion that has become a part of my life of late.
Two areas of focus - job and men.
As for job, looks like my new job will become a reality. She feels it will be about two weeks until I hear anything. Palmist spoke of my friend on the inside and the man she reports to. That I will go in sideways - not directly - which is how the entire process has been. The job isn't going to be perfect but I will get out of it what I want. Sometimes it will entail doing the work of two people - a given at the company. Woo hoo - new job!
Men. MM came across loud and clear and she said that he is not "the one." In fact, need to get him out of my life. She asked if there were two men in my life right now - that would be a big no - then she asked if he had a split personality - Bingo, Mr. mild Bi-polar-leaning-toward-depression. She said that he said a lot of hurtful thing to me - Yes. I have been crying a lot, all the time a lot - Yes. For about three months - Yes. She nailed what MM looked like.
Three significant relationships - the Leech (a la ex), MM, and mystery man #3 looming on the horizon. Of course the horizon is a loooong way off - 2 years away - I'll be 34. Back in January, she said I'd met Mr. Right within 1.5 years, possibly married within that time. Who knows?!
But she was pretty positive about the 2 years, about 34 years old. And he will be dark haired and similar in appearance to MM. Instant attraction - had that with MM. Mr. Mysteriouso will just slide into my life.
The depression came up. Great news, my depression lines run deep! Fucking wonderful. But the ugliest is behind me.
I have three stars on my right hand - present and future hand - a star each for my talent, work, communication. Things are supposed to calm down - stress won't go away completely - but will be a lot calmer than it is now. She emphasized that the shit going on now is temporary.
She told me that I need to get out there - to make a point of going out and looking around. Only with the caveat that in my depressed state, I will probably attract men in the same mental state.
My independence line is strong - well yeah.
I was told to finish the book as well. And I do need to get to that - maybe it won't be as draining as the depression lessens.
That's all I can remember. For $25, I was delighted.
25 November 2006
Once again, the gyrls were ecstatic to be here. We hung out for a bit and then went out for brekkie. Had a great gyrlie breakfast and everyone was happy. A quick trip to Target to pick up a new DVD player - hey for $25, can't beat it! Then we picked up food for the houndies.
By the time we were done with our errands and on our way home, MM was waiting in the driveway. We go inside the house. The gyrls don't want to leave as they need more time playing with the houndies. Since the gyrls were busy, I asked MM to help me move the television that weight 17 million pounds. We started moving furniture around and making sense of the massive mess of cords. MM informed me that with after turkey day sales, I should take the spankin new DVD player back and get a home theatre system for a few bucks more. And he is going to go with me to make the purchase and put in together for me. Okay - wasn't expecting that one.
We load the kids in the car, DVD player to be returned in tow and off we go. MM is determined to find the best value so first is Best Buy to no avail, then on to Wally World without finding anything and finally Target once again to score a home run. $50 bucks and a good enough for me system. At Target, we ran into my pops as he was leaving - this should send mum's propeller spinning violently.
MM installed everything and it worked. So that made me happy. The gyrls were happy. The houndies were happy.
The gyrls wanted to hold my hand all the time again. It was weird running errands with them again. From the outside, the four of us looked like a family again. Only one catch, our romantic love is gone. I felt immense love toward the gyrls but not so much for their father. Mixed blessing, right? I am getting over the hurt, which is good though. I wonder what the future holds. Only one way to find out - live it!
24 November 2006
I pull up in the Benz and the other male guest run out the door to check out the fine German machinery before the key is out of the ignition. Dinner was uneventful - pleasant enough. After dinner, we all get up from the table. Friend and her husband are clearing the table. I, being a good guest, begin to pick up dishes so Friend does not have to leave the dishwasher she is loading. Nice, right? Wrong in Friend's world. I get my ass handed to me for placing two dishes on the counter top beside her. To quote "What are you doing putting those dirty dishes on my clean counter top!" Note: counter top was not clean. "Of all people, I would have never thought you'd do this to me." To which, she picked up the two dishes like a wild woman and brought them back to the kitchen table. Creating quite a scene all the while.
Let's summarize with one word - Ridiculous. No. Two words - Ridiculous and Rude.
I drank a glass of wine while contemplating how to handle this. Normally, I'd have stayed and glossed over it. But it got me damn mad because it was so unnecessary - two fucking dirty dishes. I knew she had control issues but F.U.C.K.
She'd been on shaky ground with me because of the Benz and the nasty jealous digs she'd make about it. Next nasty remark, she was going to hear that I couldn't be her pal if she kept her hard-on about the damn car. Also, she relished a little too much pleasure that things with MM and I were kaput. She was too upset and made sure she announced to everyone whenever we were together that I screw up her poker game when I play with them because I win instead of her. Poor loser.
So after contemplating, I grabbed my salad bowl, unused fondue pot, and my purse and walked right out the front door and kept on going until the engine was purring and I was on my way home.
Normally, I'd have been concerned about what the rest of the guests thought; but I said fuck it - I'll never see them again and quite frankly I really don't give a flying fuck. I won't tolerate that petty behaviour from my family, so why the fuck am I going to let a stranger get way with that unnecessary shit.
The boundary had been set with the Benz comment and it transferred to the unnecessary bullshit of two plates and being a decent human being. I had set the boundary and she crossed it. I won't talk to her anymore. I don't care because I don't need people like that in my life. I left quietly because she hates, no despises non-confrontation, which leaves me feeling warm and happy inside.
I am proud of myself because I set the boundary and enforced it. Woo hoo!! Growth, progress, and score one for the gyrl!
23 November 2006
Thanksgiving is not a holiday I get into. It never has been. Must be missing the Turkey Day gene. I don't care for turkey - stuffing with turkey innards - yuck - mashed potatoes with gravy - gravy with turkey innards - oh the humanity - basically every aspect of Thanksgiving that doesn't need to be tainted with turkey innards was; hence, this gyrl doesn't dig it.
Then there is the boycott, which is in its second year. Last year I decided not to participate in the unnecessary drama any longer. My requests for change were ignored; therefore, I do not show up. It shouldn't have to be that way but it is. Maybe one day, they will wake up - maybe they won't. I am only responsible for myself.
Prior to the Great Breakup Fiasco of 2006, I had so been looking forward to having Thanksgiving with MM and the gyrls. I was thrilled to be embarking on a new phase of life - starting my own family traditions. Shit, now I am a little teary eyed. Well, this is the training ground for Christmas - that was the one I was really looking forward to with MM and the gyrls.
When MM dropped the gyrls off on Monday, they were so happy to see me. Big hugs and happy loud voices were everywhere. We played with the dogs. We made cookies. It was grand. Those gyrls were very, very happy. They did not want to leave my house and their father saw that. We went to dinner afterwards. In the parking lot, the gyrls were holding my hands. Their father saw that. At dinner, the girls wanted me to sit in between them. Their father saw that. I taught them how to use chopsticks - the gyrls laughed and smiled and so did I - their father saw it. When they dropped me off, both gyrls wanted big hugs from me and he saw that too.
While I know MM will never find anyone else who loves those gyrls so much and vice versa, it still makes me sad. I know one day he will regret his decision. Those gyrls will not be instilled with a fierce sense of self and independence and confidence.
Tuesday, MM told me it was wonderful to see me.
Yesterday, MM was IM'ing me all day. He invited me to go with them for Turkey Day. I declined. He told me he can see how much better I am doing. oh well, we're just friends - I am sticking to friends for just awhile longer.
22 November 2006
21 November 2006
17 November 2006
MM called a couple times last night to talk about latest developments with the case. Me = sympathetic ear. Then he called again this morning as shit seems to blow up in big ways. But I don't feel that excitement upon hearing his voice anymore. That is a good thing.
Went to the gym last night and put in some serious time on the treadmill. As a direct result, my bum is very, very sore today. Contemplating going tonight for a light workout.
The wall paper border is officially gone from both the kitchen and the guest room. Now to commence the painting - oh happy day!
Hopefully I will go out later tonight - hence part of my hesitation on hitting the gym. Painting counts as exercise though, right? Too much to think about on a Friday evening!
16 November 2006
Explain what ended your last relationship?
My commitment issues/sabotaging; his lack of patience and ex-wife/child custody angst
When was the last time you shaved?
What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Posting my status report as I forgot to do it last night
What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Opening a bottle of wine so it could breathe and make me a happier girl in 20 minutes.
Are you any good at math?
I survived calculus but could I remember any of it today?!
Your prom night, what do you remember about it?
Only went to Junior year prom - my dress - it was simply fabulous!
Do you have any famous ancestors?
The Spanish explorer who first found the Mississippi River
Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Not for undergrad, but did for my grad degree.
Last thing received in the mail?
Newport News Catalogue and Tide sample
How many different beverages have you had today?
Coffee and water. Soon shiraz will be added to the count.
Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Always because I hate when people call me and don't leave a message.
Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
A Johnny Mathis concert - in Phoenix - His voice put me into a pleasant slumber
Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No - much prefer feeling the sand in between my toes
What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
Boring stuff - just wisdom teeth being removed.
What is out your back door?
My patio - the pink concrete I simply adore
Any plans for Friday night?
Going to a party with my one of my dearest, oldest friends and then downtown debauchery to follow!
Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
No - does anyone like going from straight controllable hair to Little Orphan Annie afro madness when water is introduced into the equation.
Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes in the days of field trips
Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Of course as laundry is not one of my favorite activities
Some things you are excited about?
Acupuncture working, feeling better, getting out and about, my weight loss
What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O?
two words - sugar free
Describe your keychain(s)?
Just a plain jane ring - less is more
Where do you keep your change?
The change compartment of my wallet
When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Daily - my job is all about phones, lots of people, and talking
What kind of winter coat do you own?
vintage duster, long cashmere coat, and two faux fur jackets to die for
What was the weather like on your graduation day?
HS - a nice May day, Undergrad - sunny June day, Grad - sunny August day
Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
|Your Life Path Number is 4|
Your purpose in life is to build your vision.
You are practical and responsible. You work hard, knowing that there are no shortcuts in life.
You work for a better life for yourself and those you love, but you are not an idealist.
Trustworthy and honest, you also demonstrate great courage. People can count on you.
In love, you are a loyal and committed partner. You are the ideal spouse.
You don't give up easily, and sometimes you can be too stubborn and unwilling to change.
You also can be too conservative at times. You sometime miss out on good opportunities.
Also remember that not everyone can work as hard as you, as disappointing as that is!
15 November 2006
I had to tell Cactus Gyrl and New Mom about my great comeback experience at Kool Ass Grill last night. He hasn't called or emailed though. But the experience was good enough for now.
Of course MM gives me a jingle this morning. I had to fight hard not to tell him about my experience. Some days ignorance is bliss where certain topics are concerned. But MM must have felt the great need to talk because he called several times and the conversations weren't short ones.
I am heading to the gym tonight. Need to work off those few cosmo calories. May even put on a splash of mascara. Just because.
Definitely hitting Kool Ass Grill again before knitting class next week. Am also seeing the helpfulness of getting my own ass out of the house and out of the burbs. I like the thought of stumbling onto other movers and shakers. I want - no - I need to cultivate greener pastures. And the only way that is going to happen is if I get out there and do it myself.
14 November 2006
After my trip down acupuncture land, I headed to Shopping Mecca to kill time between end of acupuncture and beginning of knitting. I did a bit of shopping and then onto Kool Ass Grill for cocktail hour.
I picked up a guy!!! I got asked my name, for my phone number !!! and felt eternally dumb for telling the poor man that I needed to go to knitting class!!! I hope he calls me!
I spoke more than I normally would have and it certainly paid off. He seems to be with it and gainfully employed. I could enjoy one or two dates of pure fun. I think he dug me.
I didn't want to go to knitting class tonight because I was having a good time with Newbie. However, I have waited for class for so long that I decided I had to tell him knitting class was calling. I don't know if he believed me or not - there is the rub.
I'd like to hear from him again. I really would. Keep your fingers crossed!!
13 November 2006
My main bathroom is not used often. I have a small lamp that sits in the far corner of the counter top. Again, the lamp is rarely turned on. Remember I live alone - that is key.
I brought the clean and folded laundry upstairs to actually keep it in a timely manner. I went out into the hallway to get the second laundry basket and as I came up the stairs, I noticed the bathroom lamp was on.
I kept walking and then it dawned on me - WTF!! The light is on! How? Why? Cautiously I went back to the bathroom and yes, the lamp was on. My heart stopped. Initially, I was worried the spirit of the old Indian lady that lives my office was expanding her territory. But then I thought back on when my great-aunt died earlier this year.
On the morning of my great-aunt's funeral, a light bulb burst with a loud noise when I turned on a light. It was odd and I knew it was my great-aunt. (Yes, I watch a little too much Sylvia Brown and John Edward!)
That was when I realized, that lamp in the bathroom was a sign from my great-aunt. She popped in for my birthday. My great-aunt was very special to me - she was always more my grandmother than an aunt. She was one of the very first people to see me when I was born and she came to visit me for my birthday this year too.
My fear of the unexplained light turned into the warmth of love overflowing. I told her thank you for coming to see me. It is nice to know she is looking out for me. It is also nice to know that I can recognize her sign too.
12 November 2006
Afterwards, my neighbor came over for a night cap. I am so not used to staying up late - I slept in this morning and it felt grand.
I went to get my palm read but when it was my scheduled time, the woman was starting a reading on someone else. I decided to screw it and left. I was tired of waiting. It is easier to schedule a private appointment.
It is cold and chilly here today. I feel like curling up on the couch. That sounds like my next project, right after I publish this.
11 November 2006
Armed with my mixture of water and fabric softener, I thought it would be a slam dunk. Easier than the easy removal of the family room. So much for those thoughts. It has been an absolute bitch getting it off. I have given up for the evening and so far the wallpaper is winning - damn!
Tomorrow the wallpaper border will be but a memory. I will defeat it. It will be a sneak attack after the gym!
Oh yeah - I was at the gym by 9 am this morning. Why? Because I slept excellently again last night; waking at 6:50 AM bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thank you very much acupuncture!
Another day of no tears. A few times I felt sad but no tears came flowing out of my ocular region. It is such a different state of being and I am liking it.
I am heading to trivia tonight with some friends as part of my birthday celebration. Not quite my idea of birthday fun but it will still be fun. Hopefully I will have a few tales to tell in the morning.
10 November 2006
The laundry from the past month and a half is done. One of the joys of working from home is the fact that I can get the laundry done during the day.
Today has been odd - absolutely no tears. It feels as if all my tears have simply dried up. Things that I would have normally cried at - absolutely nothing today. My eyes feel dry - I can't quite explain it. After months of tears - poof! - today none. It is odd but I am not complaining.
Tomorrow is birthday lunch down in Cherry Creek. There is also a psychic fair. I may go - there is a palm reader I have wanted to see. I haven't quite made up my mind as to whether to go. I will sleep on it.
I also plan on painting this weekend. Finish up the few rooms I have left. Start hanging things. Further re-arrange furniture. I really want to concentrate on finishing up my projects.
MM did not call today. I sent a text message letting him know I was not ignoring him when he pinged - that I was at the acupuncturist. I felt that I needed to do that.
I am tired. It has been a long week. I am planning on hitting the gym in the morning. Burn off those final pounds. I am in the home stretch and must make it to the finish line.
Long live Wild Turkey American Honey!
After a discussion of my problems, I was on my back on the bed table and the acupuncturist commenced to poking me. The fluffy bed and pillows could have been a scrumptious setting for a great sex session.
I only felt one of the needles go in. I felt tingling on my left side - particularly my left ankle and just below my rib cage on the left. I felt a slight headache come on with the three needles sticking out from the top of my head.
Overall, quite surreal. I felt so relaxed and continue to feel as such. I slept wonderfully last night - I have not slept like that in months. I don't feel like crying. In fact, my eyes feel quite dry this morning. The profound sadness I have carried around feels so much lighter. The calmness feels great. Peace.
My second session is Tuesday. To continue this feeling of serenity, I will happily go weekly for awhile. Healing is so amazing.
08 November 2006
I don't feel that old. 35 always sounded ancient but I am one step closer.
Today has been a weird day. Positive. Negative. Finding myself pulled to both ends of the spectrum at any given moment.
Happy because I cruised around in the Benz wearing a fab dress. Happy when MM gave me the most wonderful hugs in the world, grabbed my bum, told me I looked great.
Then later MM gives me the "friends" routine. I am so sad. Our relationship is truly over. We are no longer stalled - we are done.
Sad because I never pictured myself at this point in my life being here. The aloneness is deafening today.
Happy because right now I am wearing my skinny jeans.
Happy because I have come so far in the past year, so far since my last two birthdays.
Sad due to a broken heart. While it has been broken for awhile, reality has arrived. Time for me to move on.
May this next year only be bigger and brighter than any that have come before!
07 November 2006
that all changed a few years back. i have never had a weight problem until after i got married. it was more than the fresh-married 15. it was depression, unhappiness, hollowness caused by a marriage that should have never been.
the weight problem got compounded by medication. i became fat. everything i never needed for my self-esteem. clothes were tight, then stopped fitting all together.
since returning from asia last fall, i have been losing the weight. recently, the weight loss has been very slow, but yet life changing. i am close to my old weight - the weight of fitted clothes and feeling like i am gaining my self back.
i have been trying on clothes i have not worn in four years. some fit, some don't. but it is progress and i am finally starting to actually see my new found thinner self.
i always love to dress up special on my birthday and with the big day rapidly approaching, i tried some items on. i found myself reveling in the fact that this time last year, i was no where near fitting into the majority of these things.
my bum is flatter. my legs look like the legs i used to know. seeing that - being able to truly see it - is liberating. it gives me hope that while i am making progress on the physical side, i am making baby steps on the emotional side too.
it has taken a year for the weight to come off, so the emotional healing will take awhile too. thirty-two is around the corner.
i am becoming whole again. my body is about healed, my mind is getting better, and soon my soul will be whole again. i can do this.
06 November 2006
The pit-of-my-stomach-gnawing has returned. Love. That. Feeling. Ahh, not so much.
Am I stupid? Naive?
Why can't I just walk away? Chalk it up to experience like I always have?
The answer - simple - love.
The belief - the feeling - the knowing - my heart found its home.
Prince Charming - I was so delighted our paths finally crossed.
Just when I think we are on the road to recovery. I get blindsided.
But maybe he doesn't love me any more.
Maybe none of us know what's going on.
We were all over the state - up and down I-25 like the crazy people we are. But I think he had a nice time - at a minimum, he took a million photos.
Wine tasting on Friday night... hmmm. Well, I didn't find the people I was supposed to meet. So started tossing back vino on my own. The theme was South African wines. Overall, quite disappointed. I wouldn't buy any of them. I know better wines come out of SA than the cat piss he was serving. A few glasses into it, I spotted the event organizer but was too damn lazy to go over and join the peeps. I know, I know... that's not what I was supposed to do. But oh well.
Overall, drank way too much on Friday night. Found the Wild Turkey Honey liquor at the new Booze land. The 21-year old neighbor came over for a bit - hence indulging in the Wild Turkey madness. Did some drunken texting - but never received a response. Oh well!
Requirements gather I go! Monday madness continues!!
03 November 2006
I have been waking up at 5 AM. Next week I start harnessing that by going to the gym! Tah-dah - burn those last five pounds off my bum! I will be hott for Christmas. My body is so close to being able to fit in all my clothes again - clothes, glorious clothes - that fit.
The natives are getting restless around here - feedings on a schedule are not agreeing with the hound girls. I just finished getting an earful from the skinny one who gets first dibbs on the chow.
I have a house guest coming for the weekend. Need to finish up the quick clean. I have our tour route figured out - so that right there was half the battle. Must go clean the shower though, change table linens, and do a quick dust.
Tonight I am heading to a wine tasting. Be friendly, meet new people.
Hopefully there will be good stories to tell from tonight and throughout the weekend as tour guide extraordinaire!
02 November 2006
Interview went less than thrilling. In fact since I hung up the phone, I am quite depressed. It did not go well. I don't think he liked my answers. I don't feel he liked me nor thought myself capable even though I stated otherwise. At the end, I got myself into the cocky consultant state of mind and ended it with lots of positive, sure of myself and my ability.
But then again, he is an old geezer who thinks he walks on water. My "this is a sure thing" vibe has waned.
With this dreadful interview behind me now, I have to full throw myself into the realm of kicking ass on my current project. Have to start settling into reality more and a little less with my eye on the dream. Don't get me wrong - I will still have an eyeball on the prize, but need to apply myself to the current work at hand because I may be here for awhile longer after all.
Let's hope deliverables save the day!
My bubble burst though. Distorted thinking, negative thoughts - out, out damn spot - out of my head. Today I cried for the first time in a week and a half. But I cannot dwell in this. Need to use the tools my therapist has given me. In the interview, I tried my best. I cannot read the man's mind. I cannot assume what he thinks. This is not the end of the world. I cannot blame myself, I cannot take it personally. I tried - gave it my best shot - and I must be content with that. No more beating myself up. That half hour conversation does not define me or destroy me. Either way, life goes on. And I have to continue on my ride. No more roadblocks or stale red lights. Always moving forward, not dwelling in the past. No longer a prisoner to the negative and distorted.
The life I embrace now - live with no regrets, know I tried and be happy with that. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I cannot worry about it.
Don't worry, be happy!
01 November 2006
The main painting project is complete. My house is officially beige... I live in a beige house... oh the tragedy... the humanity... but I am really loving the colorlessness of it all. I am now officially in my monochromatic house phase. Still have about 2 gallons of paint left, so the lime green & lilac room is next to go!
Next project, determine where to make new and exciting nail holes in my walls to hang all my various junk. Ah, the hammer and nails makes my heart sing!
Of course, the bathroom is still incomplete. Must find motivation for laying tile. Must. Must.
In other items, MM is calling again. I think we are on the road to relationship healing. He invited me over for dinner on Saturday with the girls. It was absolutely marvelous being greeted at the door with excited screams and huge running, leaping hugs. My heart simply sang.
Looks like I will have the girls on Thursday evening, while MM works on closing a deal. I am looking forward to it. I have missed those two little peeps and I know they have missed me too.
On Saturday night, I felt a completeness I haven't felt in a long time. The four of us eating, watching tv, being together - nothing exciting - but an overwhelming sense of knowing, belonging.
27 October 2006
Our weekly meeting was refreshing. After completing my homework last Friday - an afternoon fraught with tears, realizations, breakthroughs - I gained a lot of insight into myself and the situations I find myself in. I did not realize how angry and resentful I was toward my mum. How much I personalized the negative in MM's life as being my fault. And then to think about it realistically rather than distorted was simply eye opening. In one dull Friday afternoon with a straight-forward assignment and an honest heart, I felt the veil begin to lift.
My therapist and I discussed the assignment at great length - I had gotten the point of the assignment and even reported I caught myself in the distorted thinking patterns and did not let the pattern continue, to take me down it's twisted path. The more I spoke with her, the veil lifted a bit more.
No, I am not cured after two visits. Just because I did not cry in her office this time does not mean I am fixed. Yes, I understand it but applying it and making it my new way of life will take time, take practice. But I am feeling better. There is hope again.
When our session was over, my therapist hugged me and told me she was proud of me. A therapist hugging? I felt truly blessed because I now know without a doubt I found the person to help me through my mine field of depression.
23 October 2006
I told myself I found my closure through my soul searching, through my writing. And that was enough.
The phone rings Sunday morning. It is MM. Calling to come over. He did not forget about it, he did not brush me aside. Luckily I was dressed and ready to head to Lowe's. He'd be at my place in 20 minutes. Lowe's would have to wait.
He came when he said he would. He was here. I was ready, he was too. We caught up on life. The myriad of challenges that seem to run amuck in our lives. The cosmically inclined part of me seeing, feeling how intertwined we are. We started talking about us - not formally but I was speaking from my heart. I told him about being in denial about the depression - using his hot button subject when I was afraid - spoke about my fears - spoke about my happiness with him. Then spoke to what I had mediated on, spoke to the dogs about - the soul searching I had written as to not forget anything - because this was so important, I could not forget anything. No regrets allowed.
MM understood. MM listened with an open heart. When I was done, there was a change in his demeanor; an air of the familiar, relaxed. He said he loves me but friends first, get things straightened out. That love is still there within him. There are still mountains to climb but it turned out differently than anticipated.
No, we are not together again - life doesn't happen like that. But we have understanding. That is important. I know now within his heart that he has not given up on me. But the problems of the world are not yet solved either.
I felt the weight, the suffocating weight lift after I bared my soul. I felt peace that had been MIA for quite some time. I had no regrets. I felt myself grow a bit, felt a bit more being my true self. That was a huge bright moment - especially for the fog of darkness I have been dwelling in.
Hanging clean laundry to dry on my headboard and footboard, MM brought up my weight issues as he had my chubby tankini in his hands. He told me that I do not need to hide under it. I showed him my favorite bikini ever and said it would fit again soon. MM forced me to try it on. I did - and much to my surprise, it fit. He asked me where I felt fat - I was honest and showed him. He now understands the distorted image I see.
There in my bedroom, in my favorite bikini, MM kissed me. We kissed ever so passionately. Kissing with an unparalleled level of sensuality. He picked me up - and for the first time ever, I let him. And I shared that fact with him. So he lifted me up again. We got even more friendly. Up against my bedroom wall was the location of choice - yet another dream come true for this Gyrl. However, that dream is still awaiting fulfillment though for another time. The important thing is that up there I was doing what I wanted - not anyone else - the only people in that room were MM and I - and that was liberating - the rule book gone - the shoulds out the window - embracing life and following my heart were in that room and it was great.
In being true to myself and true to MM, I found freedom on a Sunday afternoon. There is only one person responsible for my life, my happiness, my experiences and that is me. The only opinion to matter is mine, the decisions to make are mine. I will live with the consequences. I will learn from the bad and the good. But living from the position of truth rather than fear is phenomenal! It is my position of choice.
20 October 2006
Going to lay out all the things that have been going through my head, my heart, my soul.
Taking a risk sharing. Knowing I will be rejected. I figured things out too late. Came to terms with my depression too late. Sought help too late to save what MM and I had. But I am going to tell him any way. I am telling him. Looking him in the eye and sharing, revealing - being vulnerable knowing answers do not come in the packages we ask for or expect.
Figuring out where I derailed was therapy enough; baring it to him will be therapy and learning, risk taking. Placing the remains of my torn heart on a platter for him and for me.
It's not going to be easy. Just thinking about it, my stomach starts to quiver.
He has told me he doesn't trust me. So I do I expect him to believe what I share? No. But are my words true and from my very core? Yes. Definitely. Yes.
Tomorrow is about him and me. No one else. No one else's beliefs, perceptions, ideals. Only us. I will be speaking from my heart. I will be listening from my heart.
I know I will cry. As my emotion is so strong, I don't see a way around it. But it is okay to cry. Emotion, feeling is okay.
Am I scared? Yes. Easier typed than executed. But I have to do this - for him and for me. I have faced some of my demons. Tomorrow I share some of my demons and in that sharing I will be facing one of my big demons as well.
Wish me luck. The healing has begun. Here's to progress in whatever form it takes.
17 October 2006
He called last week at 2 AM. He was apprehensive whether I would talk to him or not last week. He was apprehensive again last night. I could hear it in his voice.
We spoke briefly. It was almost like nothing happened.
This morning he apologizes for calling last night. He was lonely. He tells me thanks for not telling him to go to hell last night.
Maybe each of us needs to work through our issues. Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe not. Maybe I just need to let go.
It's hard because I feel there is something bigger driving me, driving him, driving us.
Maybe my heart is in the driver's seat this time. I guess only time will tell.
I reached out to MM because he understands this feeling. And I needed empathy desperately. I needed the support. He was the only one who could give it to me.
I asked. He came over. A little awkwardness as neither of us knows how to proceed on this road called "just friends." My hound girls were so happy to see him. The G-hound was ecstatic. She couldn't get enough of MM.
I showed him the changes I made around the house. The results of my weekend cleaning frenzy and subsequent wallpaper removal.
He had to go to the airport to catch an evening flight. He embraced me, hugged me the way I needed. To feel the warmth of human kindness. Something so small but something I so desperately needed in the hole of darkness.
In our embrace, his hands wandered down to my bum. However, no hanky panky ensued.
Then at the front door, he hugged me again. Held me in his arms, comforting me. He kissed me. He kissed me again and again there at the front door. We parted ways.
A little later I received a phone call and a text message stating he was sorry he kissed me. That is what happens after I see him these days - a recanting of the transpired events. I told him not to worry as I understand things are over between us. Even though I wish it weren't done, I know his heart is closed to me. Coming to terms with that is the key.
13 October 2006
As a result, the interview went very well. I am excited. I will be free of my home office prison, grow stronger, be part of the group's development, see the world. I will be forced to go beyond my comfort zone to make the most of this experience.
Now, I just wait to hear the infamous words - "you're hired"
His birthday is this weekend. I sent the cards I had. Of course, he got the card from the hound girls written with my left hand to look like a child's handwriting. I made a cake. I've never been much of a baker. But for MM, I bake his favorite. I used the Pampered Chef cake decorating stuff I bought for MM and the girls. The decoration didn't look very good - but I tried. I never led anyone to believe I was Betty Crocker.
The depression continues to be in full swing. I need to learn how to deal with it - without medication. It is called therapy. And I made the call this week to try a new therapist. This time I cannot stop until I find someone I can trust and work with. Of course, if I am gone regularly, there is a problem but I will find a way to make it work. I have got to work through all this bullshit. The pattern stops now. The misery stops now. Healthy begins on Tuesday with my first appointment. I made the phone call. I need to get better. I am tired of crying. I am tired of feeling hopeless. I am tired of the sadness. No more crying. Healthy - that is what I am striving for. Even though, right now I feel like a loser. a big fat loser.
06 October 2006
My life is empty. I feel so sad. MM did not return my phone call. It is over. I didn't think it would be.... Naively I thought the "month break" would result in some grand reunion. Instead, it is over. Although he pinged me the other day, he did return my phone call today. The man I have spoken to a million times a day for months is now M.I.A. That is a sure sign to this girl that things are over.
Why I am so sad about a man who can walk away from me so easily? Because I loved him. I loved him with all my heart and all my soul. I loved him. More than I ever loved my ex-husband. I loved him.
We had a future together - dreams and plans. I believed him. Every step of the way, I believed him. I trusted him. I wanted the future he offered me. We were going to build a life together - a wonderful life...
and the dream has died...
and I am sad. very sad.
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Sure is funny how now that MM has removed himself from the picture, everyone has an opinion. Who says "he never loved you," "he never cared about you," "he is a narcissist." Everyone wants me away from him and these were the same people who thought he was wonderful not too long ago.
Same as with the divorce. Everyone has an opinion but the opinions are not very valid because they never were one on one, they never walked in my shoes. It is so easy to say things from the outside looking in. But until you have done a lap in my heels, don't give me any mandates please.
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
So to further complicate things, I had an interview this week. It is the first of three, if I chose to pursue the opportunity. However, before I go on to interview number two, I need to decide if I am willing to do the 85% travel that comes with the job. 85% international travel. My dream. A promotion. Most likely a raise.
Why am I even thinking twice about this? Because 85% international travel means minimal regular everyday life. Because I have to find a solution for the dogs that does not include getting rid of them. Because I would lead a life of solitude. again. I am not fond of solitude any more. Not since I got a taste of what love and a home life can be.
I know I am the only one who can make this decision. More soul searching. A lot more soul searching.