31 July 2006

The Many Meanings of Trying


The past few days have been quite trying on this girl.

Some days the more I try, the less things occur as I intend.

Found a beautiful house, a marvelous home - the problem? the price. Can be afforded with two incomes but not one alone.

MM sees the glass as half full - all the money we need will magically appear in the back yard - take risks - everything is coming up green money roses!

I on the other hand like to deal in the cold hard reality of simple accounting - money in versus money out with a hearty balance of living life thrown in. Once the mortgages are paid, the basic utilities paid, I'd be left with $6 dollars to my name each month. How in the world can I buy shoes or mascara on that!

I lived very frugally in college because private school did not come cheap and my parents were not loaded. Once I got a real job and made real money, I swore to myself I would never scrimp like that again - - I went to Big Bucks University to guard against ramen noodles as a full fledged working adult. This wonderfully beautiful house would have me in ramen land.

MM was of course extremely upset that I chose not to pursue placing an offer on the home.

I was lead dog on qualifying for the house. A little deja vu that made me rather uncomfortable. I want to make smart financial decisions. That is my only concern.

This house thing will make or break us.

Maybe I will become the crazy lady with 1,639 cats.... because the Catholic Church won't allow this divorced girl to become a nun!

25 July 2006

Happily Ever After? The Verdict Is Still Out

Where to start? How to begin? So many thoughts and emotions running through my head.

Of course. They. ALL. Center. Around. Montana Man!

Some days, life is extreme bliss. All my hopes, dreams, wishes come true before my eyes. We are on the same wavelength, striving for the same things, perfectly simpatico.

Then things turn ugly in one moment, one second and causes me to question everything. Do I suffer from severe stupidity??

Extreme Happiness
  • Buying the Merc, the sweet beautiful sleek silver Mercedes of the gods
  • His bravado at demanding a significant raise AND getting it
  • Excelling at his job... Next in line for VP... Motivation and drive that we share
  • His gentle, generous heart
  • Always wanting to hold hands
  • Not afraid to kiss me, shows affection, says 'I love you'
  • Understands me
  • Can say 'I'm sorry' and mean it
  • Wants to take care of me
  • Intelligent
  • Understanding turmoil, lies, and deceit and the emotional toll
  • Wanting to build a life together
  • His family likes me
  • We get along really well. We finish each other's sentences, blurt out the same sentences at the same time. He is Wanderlust Gyrl in male form!

Moments That Confuse Me

  • His 'I want to share my life with you' mantra being derailed by a comment about not wanting to get married until the kids are grown, which was recanted later that evening
  • Wondering if he will ever get beyond trying to out do his ex-wife
  • * His underlying doubts about me and his children *
  • His anger on Sunday evening, not wanting me in his sight
  • Wondering if he will ever get over his 9.5 year marriage
  • How much more fall out my very presence will create in their lives

Am I being flat-out dumb? Do his underlying doubts about me and his children make everything null and void because let's be perfectly honest too - at the end of the day, the children will always win.

So am I simply fooling myself? Am I holding onto something that is going nowhere? Oh Internet, what's a girl to do?!?!

However, Montana Man is not the only 30-something man out there with an ex-wife and kids. I am fully aware that the obstacles with him will be the same or worse with another man.

There are the following alternatives in the male pool:

  • completely self-absorbed men
  • still single men who have commitment issues
  • clingy men without a backbone
  • leeches
  • divorced men without children who are still hung up on their ex-wives
  • divorced men without children who are now playboys to make all women pay for the past transgressions of the ex-wife
  • men who want wilting flowers who wait on them hand and foot, men who are intimated by me
  • divorced men with children who are not a part of the kids' lives
  • divorced men with children who do the minimum for their kids
  • booty call only men - single, divorced, or married

So where does that leave me? I feel like I met Mr. Right in Montana Man. I kissed a lot of frogs and things are different with Montana Man.

I know the Happily Ever After fairy tale does not exist. Those rose color glasses were thrown out a long time ago.

But questions remain. Is that normal? Is it just a result of having been around the Love Block too many times? Is my inner cynic taking over? Or is my heart trying to give me a wake up call?

You decide because so far, I sure as hell haven't been able to!

11 July 2006

Holiday Week with a twist

Last week, I endeavored on holiday with Montana Man and the gyrls. Overall, I thought that for never being around children for an extended period of time, I did a good job. Only had two major meltdowns.

Well, it seems that those two meltdowns were two too many for Montana Man. And other various things that did not make my radar, made his radar and I was only informed of this post-holiday. Of course, too late to work on any of it.

Montana Man is pulling away again... distancing himself... I can feel it... and it makes me sad... very sad.

I don't know any more. Are we trying to save something that is broken? Or is it something worth growing in to? Are each of us too critical? Scared? Or still injured from our previous relationships?

Last week was a tough week for me. Lots of internal turmoil that I should have shared with Montana Man. Everything I have ever dreamed of, presented itself to me last week... nieces, nephews, a large family. I sit here at 32's door step and I see clearly where my choices have led me. While I have a good job, smarts, a home, material and financial does not make for a complete life. It is was that void that I came face-to-face with last week. And it made me sad.

How do I rectify this? I try but I don't always know where my place is, what my role is, what questions to ask? I am a blank slate when it comes to children. I am learning, I am trying but I am not perfect - I will make mistakes, and I know things will get better. I just need some time.