21 March 2011

from a year to eternity

By 10:30 this morning, I had it with this place. For the entire week. I am so tired of feeling powerless, un-respected, tired of being beat up because everyone shoots the messenger even if she is in a nice dress...

I know I need to stop caring. But that do-gooder in me can't be turned off that easily. I am frustrated and tired and a year seems like an awful long way away.

Lulu has gotten worse and I think our set-up down here is a large contributing factor. She has stopped prancing but last night I saw the sparkle is gone from her eyes and that has made me absolutely sick. I don't know what else to do. I will call her vet and see about switching up pills, maybe try acupuncture, walking her (may help both of us), but at the end of the day, I know what she needs - her home, her yard, and me not being gone all day.

I keep reminding myself that I just need to hold on a bit longer... the year is already a 1/4 over... I can make it.... but today, right now, it feels like an eternity.

15 March 2011

test and dev environment

I missed Super Dad terribly when he left Texas last May. But since he came and went a few short weeks ago, I miss him even more. Contrary to my typical behavior pattern, I have freely told Super Dad that I miss him. No holding back, no games, no fear; just like my martinis: straight up.

Long ago, Super Dad coined a term for being under my spell; he calls it being "patsyized".  So below is a text message exchange from the other day.

Me: Is this what it is like to be patsyized? I miss you too much.
Super Dad:  Darling, Patsyized has been around for hundreds of years. It has affected many people especially me. I love you. Being SuperDadized is only a theory. Not in production yet. Miss you baby.

I cannot wait until test and development are over and we move on into full-blown production.

11 March 2011

flying into love

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt...if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."

Compliments of Douglas Adams'  The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy... ah, the insights on flying are pretty grand.

10 March 2011

buzzing forward

I am shocked how quickly this week has buzzed by. This time last week I was excitedly awaiting Friday and Super Dad's arrival. Now, in the blink of an eye, a whole week has passed. Time keeps moving forward.

The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is palpable.

If I could move to Atlanta right now, I would. But alas, it is not that easy. I am committed to at least one more year down here in Austin. This time next year is most likely my first opportunity to bounce out. Before the irrational part of me chimes in with "a year might as well be an eon", I know that as quickly as this week has charged by, so too has the first quarter of this year and ultimately a year truly isn't that long in the big picture. We will be together soon enough. I get to use this year to enjoy the best of Austin before moving on to my next exciting adventure.

07 March 2011

Return of Super Dad

After nearly ten months of separation, Super Dad came to Austin for the weekend. The past three days were fabulous; quite honestly, it was even better than I could have imagined. We are a great team and get on like a house fire. Despite the huge gap in seeing each other, we were immediately and seamlessly in sync.

I found myself smiling so much my cheeks hurts, laughing more than usual and overall being disgustingly happy. The ease I feel around Super Dad baffles me. I can completely be myself, uncensored, unafraid, genuine.

We talked about a lot over the weekend, especially deep conversations occurred on Sunday afternoon. Super Dad’s statements were all future oriented, specifically our future together. Choices were the common theme: where to live, marriage versus committed relationship; Super Dad laid out all things he wanted me to decide when I am ready. The repetitive theme was all that matters is that he is with me.

And so there are pros and cons to be weighed and decisions to be made. Part of me is leery of this giddy happiness, that it might be causing temporary blindness; but the other part is telling me that I won’t know unless I jump in. During this, the Southern Gentleman’s antenna have sensed my happiness and there was an email from the Southern Gentleman in my mailbox this morning. Ten years of ambiguity with the Southern Gentleman versus one year of healthy, growing momentum with Super Dad.

I circle back to Super Dad’s determination to get better, his statements of getting back to making big bucks so we can enjoy our city home together and a beachfront condo too. We feed off each other in positive ways. Separately we light up a room, together sunglasses are required. Super Dad checks every box on my must-have list. I need some time to digest this weekend, to savor it, to synthesize it.