30 August 2007

Tired, Exhausted, Drained

It is almost 10 PM and I am so extremely exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. Considering I have not been able to sleep all week, spending my time madly cleaning at midnight, tonight I am ready to rest.

I think it has to do with me being so tired from working so damn much since March. With zero break. I need a week off. I am honestly going to try to make next week that week off. I need it. My temper's been short. I am physically exhausted.

Also, I have been doing a lot of cleaning - primarily getting rid of stuff. Leech stuff, items that are no longer me. The purging has been good but also very demanding. I think the exodus of my former life is almost complete and from that I am tired too.

I watched Montana Man's girls after school tonight. Which means we played non-stop. Pile more on to the tired column. Needless to say, an important item was forgotten at my house and I had to return it tonight. All three were up on his bed watching a movie. Then all four of us were on his bed. Let the weirdness commence. Montana Man tells me about their family discussion tonight, which of course, I get dragged into because the girls talk to me - or more appropriately I can talk to the girls and get them to be a little more open than their father. The girls are very upset but don't know how to express it and cannot express their feelings to the perpetrator. Perpetrator is a very harsh word and is not used in the correct context here - no crime was committed, no harm to the children - but I am beyond tired and my feelings toward this person makes me not want to search another word. She is not worth my energy. I had to step in and try to be the bridge - their female sounding board - why? - because they are just little girls who are having to try to navigate through shite that even I as an intelligent, compassionate adult have a lot of trouble understanding myself.

The girls were doing better when I left. No wonder they were so angelic today at my house - it all makes sense now. I am too tired to go into the details; the emotion of it is enough for me right now. I cried a bit on the way home - cried because the girls are dealing with shite that they shouldn't have to - they are my young little innocent loves. I also realize my days of serving this role in their lives is close to an end - their father is beginning to look for other women again - my days as auntie are numbered - and I hope for their sake whenever and whoever their father chooses to drag home that the new woman (women) treats them like I always have - as if they were my own. Because those two little girls deserve nothing less than the best.

27 August 2007

Ready or Not; Ready

I am so ready for things to spark with The Southern Gentleman.

I am ready for a real relationship with possibilities.

I am ready for a man with his shit together.

I am ready for a man with responsibilities and who is not afraid of responsibilities.

I am ready to be cherished.

I am ready for real love.

I am done with games.

I am done with unnecessary drama.

I am ready for love. For true love.


And a little hott, hott sex wouldn't hurt the deal at all ;-)

I am a Private School Bus

Today was a big Monday at home. I had to get myself to Montana Man's home at 7 AM to be there to take the gyrlies to school; Montana Man had an 8 AM meeting. So I got up early, honestly barely sleeping due to fear of oversleeping.

I got to Montana's Man house on time. That was the end of the goodness. It all went downhill from there. Honestly. Because. Kids. Being. Late. To. School. Is. Something. That. I. Find. Hard. To. Deal. With.

I remember being late as a child and the unnecessary drama that ensued. So I guess I am hyper-sensitive to it all. Montana Man running late as it is. Then the gyrlies and I leave, sans car seats, because car seats are in daddy's car headed opposite direction. So being a responsible adult, I ensure the gyrlies are belted in and head toward school. Montana Man calls in a panic - he figured out the car seats are in his car. We all have to turn around to meet at his home to get the car seats.

All is well. Head toward school. Aha! An accident on an already congested road. Luckily, my ever-calling Montana Man decides to ring. I inform him of the emergency lights on the horizon to which I get a "there is always traffic on this road; it's no accident you crazy woman." Luckily the kids saw the emergency vehicles and served as my witnesses that the "crazy lady" was in deed correct - accident up ahead.

But at my "holy fuck the traffic is not moving. Danger Will Robinson, the girlies are going to be oh so late," Montana Man turned around because only custodial parents can take the children in late and heaven forbid I be on any list of "approved" drop-off/picker-uppers.

So I am waiting to get onto the toll road, and the phone rings with Montana Man's special ring. I pick up. "You are in the wrong lane." I control my language due to the under aged ears in the vehicle. "Well Montana Man, if you stop calling me, I will be able to concentrate on DRIVING."

Dial tone. Toll booth. Missed turn. Finally at the school. Montana Man leading the caravan.

The gyrlie-gyrls were five minutes late. Montana Man did not make his 8 AM meeting - not by a long shot. I felt bad, I felt that I had let him down, let the girls down, he was in a pissy mood. But he told me shit happens and if it weren't for forgetting the car seats, everything would have been okay. And I start to think from me as opposed to them. I got up this morning to do him and the gyrls a favor. These children and their father are no longer my responsibility. Montana Man is going to go out and find other women to fuck, to pursue a life with and I am not on that radar. Fuck it, I was doing him a favor and life is not perfect. Not my responsibility. He's lucky I am a softy and agreed to it on my time at home. I win some, I lose some - but so long as I retain perspective, I cannot fail.

26 August 2007

Phone Call + Memory = Raised Antenna

The Southern Gentleman called today.

Can we say jumping out of my skin with excitement?!?

It would appear that Sunday is his normally scheduled "let's call Wanderlust Gyrl" day. Because it is becoming a pattern. And I am digging this pattern.

We spoke for a half hour. I asked what he was up to; his reply "I just got out of the shower." Hmmm... as if to be a half naked Southern Gentleman... I can picture his scrumptious tan body, rippling muscles, with a bit of lingering water droplets... oh! the towel accidentally slid off and glided to the floor... yummy... OK, back to reality, must pay attention to what he is telling me!

The Southern Gentleman was relieved that I had enjoyed my Mexico holiday before Hurricane Dean decided to eat up the Yucatan. We discussed his final exams, his move back to the South, and upcoming holiday. We spoke of my discontent at Nerd Paradise; the Southern Gentleman then tells that I could take a month sabbatical to work with him at his new business and see if I would happy returning to Nerd Paradise after that time. My antenna went up and spun around crazily at that comment.

Why did my antenna raise? First of all, that seemed an odd comment. But a comment that certainly sounds like he is thinking of life past his trip to SxSW-land, don't cha think? Or am I reading too much into this?? Secondly, when he came out for a business trip 5 years ago shortly before I got married (and he was still married), The Southern Gentleman told me that his dream would be to have this particular business (the biz he is launching now) and he and his wife would run it together. Little did he know, his then-wife would come home and tell him she wanted a divorce shortly after he shared his dream with me. But knowing that is his dream, made his comment all the more powerful as far as I am concerned. Hence, my antenna are on an orange-possibly-raising-to-red-alert-level, a positive raising :-)

I think The Southern Gentleman's trip will either be all or nothing - either we are going for the whole enchilada smothered with green chile or remaining friends as we have been for the past seven years. However, I remain hopeful, continuing to visualize spectacular fireworks over the Austin sky.

25 August 2007

An Anniversary of Sorts

Today is two years that my divorce was final.

In so many ways, it feels like an eternity ago. Another lifetime.

I know I made the best decision possible when I decided it was time to file the papers. Skipped the separation, headed directly to my get-out-of-jail card by paying the county a mere $200 to legally free me from my hell with The Leech.

I know The Leech never believed I would go through with it. He left items behind. He never thought I would end it. But I did. And I cannot tell you how happy I am because of my decision. Sure I am 32 and alone, but I would much rather be happy and alive today than still attached to that 200 pound anchor that was dragging me deeper and deeper into the depths of liquid despair.

Since I have been in SxSW land, I feel more and more like my true self again. You see dear Internet, my true self was someone that The Leech suppressed and I honestly lost for quite awhile. I am back, but not in completely the same way. You know how when you glue a broken plate back together somehow not all the pieces fit perfectly again. It changes the appearance ever so slightly, but I feel those little changes are for the better. When I told my mother that I felt back together, she replied that The Leech took my carefreeness away. That opinion I do not share because back then I literally was carefree - no mortgage, no bills, no household responsibility - I simply worked and had a great time traveling the country. My carefree isn't in the forefront any more because I do have all those responsibilities now; I have grown up. The carefreeness still exists - it manifests itself when Montana Man's girls and I play, when I meet up with a good friend and my silliness pours out, when the old guys in the office laugh hearing my after-work adventures. I am still willing to jump in with both feet and do, but it is not in pole position any more.

I am happy to celebrate that I obtained myself again on this day. I was brave enough to take the steps to free myself from a toxic marriage. Because I knew I deserved to be better to myself. And I am elated I did.

~ Cheers ~

23 August 2007

Overall, Mexico

In reading my holiday post, it reads like I spent most of my time being agitated. Aside for the momentary annoyance blips, I had a thoroughly relaxing time and enjoyed myself.

My vision of this little jaunt was fulfilled. I spent lots of time at the pool and ocean, basked in the sun to the point of deep lobster redness, which has left me tan; overall, I was one pleased girl.

I learned my independence is a good thing and I have to start looking at it as such. I realized not many of the people I was with were actually okay with just being by themselves - they needed to do everything in a pack. Being able to follow my own drummer and not have to be with peeps 24/7 is something I need to take more pride in than I do.

Of course, I looked like a poodle the entire time as the fatal recipe of naturally curly hair, water, and intense humidity was in full motion. But I was even okay with my poodle-ness. I am what I am. But lipo on the thighs still sounds very tempting.

Overall, Mexico remained Mexico in my books. I am not fond of those types of holidays but for cheap and close, it works. I enjoyed the much needed time away. Got the batteries recharged a bit. And I still have lots of holiday time to burn...

22 August 2007

Rants on Mexico

I am ready to fill y'all in on my little jaunt to Mexico. My traveling partner, Sparkles flew in the day before and we of course went out for cocktails. Here is where my fears came to the forefront - Sparkles inability to go home at a reasonable hour and inability to control her drinking. I had to play the adult since she wasn't going to and after enjoying Mexican Martinis, I had to work really hard for an hour to get her ass out of the bar. Ugh! Foreshadowing, foreshadowing...

Now I have made it perfectly clear to Sparkles what exactly my intentions were for this trip, namely doing nothing besides enjoying sitting/splashing at the beach and/or pool with the occasional cocktail to keep me cool while basking in the sun. No excursions, no waking up early, no nothing. Pretty clear, don't cha think.

Sparkles informs me that she plans to drag my ass parasailing, swimming with dolphins, and snorkeling. I begin to believe that Sparkles truly does not listen to a word I say because I have been making my trip intentions clear for months now. I say no, to which she responds "I figured you'd be afraid to parasail." Fuck that bitch, I am not afraid and if she paid half a lick of attention to anything I've ever told her, she'd know I am anything but afraid, which really torqued me. That was piss-off number one. Let's keep count, shall we?

Piss-off number two came in the form of determining the time to leave for the airport. She wanted to be there three hours before the flight. Yes, you read that correctly - three hours. She was insistent, which sent my blood pressure through the roof due to it being (a) unnecessary and (b) her level of insistence. She cited returning the rental car, checking luggage and security screening as taking days. This is a small airport, where everything soup-to-nuts takes maybe 20 minutes on a busy day and oh perish the thought that I fly out of said airport regularly so maybe I know a little something about this. I told her so and we left based on my timetable. Imagine my joy when everything happened exactly as I described and I reminded her of it. The plane was late, so we sat and waited and waited and waited.

The Mexican Customs and Immigrations forms seemed to baffle Sparkles. Rather than ask me, the girl who has flown a half million miles, entered and exited numerous countries, she insisted on asking one of the snotty gals from our group. Snotty gal assumed we were both as clueless as Sparkles, which made my blood boil. Snotty gal will learn of my various sojourns when the opportunity presents itself.

Food was also an issue. All Sparkles wanted to do was eat. I am not much of a recreational eater. I am hungry so I eat. Buffets do not mean pile the plate sky high. My buffet philosophy is that I'd rather keep a single layer of chow on my plate and make three trips than hoard feet of food all slopped together on one plate. Sparkles is a piler and had to make comments on my "scant" plate. The one that got to me is "You hardly eat anything. I would think you'd be thinner than you are." Blood pressure rose with that one. I bit my tongue because there was still another few days to go on this adventure. That was piss-off number four.

Clothing became an unnecessary drama. We are at the resort for virtually a ten minute trip. We are not going to meet our soul mates and if we do, they are our soul mates, so they don't care what we are wearing because it is gonna happen if it is meant to happen, right? No, Sparkles had to change at least seven times to determine her outfit. We went through this process at least twice a day. Who are we going to impress? The dorks we came with? With each fashion show, I came one step closer to gouging my eyeballs out with a dull grapefruit spoon.

Then I had to endure her tantrum because her little excursions were not what they seemed. We all know the drill in Mexico. You have your little representative who sells you all the activities, yada, yada, yada. Sparkles missed her parasail appointment. Swimming with dolphins was a misnomer as there was no "swimming" but briefly being in the water with them and a $10 photo op. Finished by her opting to take a taxi back to the hotel as opposed to riding the bus, which was a $15 ride as opposed the $1 bus - you can imagine the complaining about that alone. Bitched and bitched and bitched. You'd think the sushi at our all-inclusive could soothe things - oh no - she was bitching there was too much octopus and not enough tuna - WTF do you want for free? The sushi was fresh, I was delighted and I am a sushi snob.

Sparkles was also annoyed by the fact that my frig at home was sparse. I don't keep lots of food. Again, I am not a hoarder; I buy on demand. She was pissed I did not have regular coke in the frig. I do not drink regular coke... hello, anyone, calories??

Needless to say, I was ready for her to go home. I realized that she does not have enough real world responsibility in the adult world. The childish behavior and everything being all about her all the time has been getting tiring and this pushed me over the top. I need adult friends - not dull boring adult - but fun adults who get the real world.

Final count on piss-off items is 7. However, we need to make that final count 8. When speaking with her earlier this week, Sparkles complained that our little trip was very expensive. WTF?!?! Yeah, everyone I told about the trip price and what we got for it was amazed at the price. Of course if you count the $15 cab ride, $110 dolphin thing, countless frivolous purchases maybe so, but then again if you don't have a mortgage or any real bills, what does it matter?!?

21 August 2007

Tuesday, ah, Tuesday

Yikes! Almost a month since my last post. Yes, life has been moving fast. Work, social life, work, work. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Survived Mexico. Quite happy I traveled when I did, 'cause I missed the hurricane fun and excitement.

Lived thru my first ever "where's the hurricane gonna hit" because I might get trapped in Texas. Ever so thrilled that good ol' Hurricane Dean appears to be steering clear of the Lone Star State. Amen!

Scored an ACL 3-day pass... after they'd been sold out for months. Just released a few more today and the ACL gods were smiling down on me... I got two tickets. I cannot wait for the insanity... The Killer, Regina Spektor, Bob Dylan, Joss Stone, Blue October... I cannot wait.

The Southern Gentleman called on Sunday. I called back tonight but it went straight to voicemail. He arrives a month from today. Excitement is building.

Found dresses this weekend. Steve Madden dresses, of which I now own two. As if to be hott, hott, hott when the Southern Gentleman rolls into town. Went out tonight in one of the other dresses I bought this weekend, and a group of women came up to me and told me what a great dress I was wearing. They gave me the highest compliment possible - "it looks like a dress from the Sex and The City" - I was so happy to be back in my old body - cause "Sex and The City" dress is a size 8! Yee hah! However, no men to speak of...

Off to bed. I am exhausted. Other stories to come...