thirty days have november

Holy cow! November is here. Sadly, that means a whole bunch of things in my world and only one of them is that the year is almost over.

November marks my birthday and the anniversary of Lulu's death. Two big things that make me realize how fleeting life truly is. Especially since this will be my last year in my thirties. Now that is a scary thought!

Since all my friends are in Austin, this birthday won't be much simply because I will be in Denver. I reminisce about my fabulous birthday last year; I was in Austin surrounded by all my amazing friends. An evening filled with laughter and love. Happiness was actually palpable.

It is those type of memories that make everything feel so off here. But I remain steadfast in my belief that the correct next step will present itself when I am ready for it.

Once the calendar changed to November, I experience a profound sadness that had lessen in previous months as the second anniversary of Lulu's death stands out prominently. Two years that my darling left me. Unfortunately, it feels as if much more time has passed. I have finally figured out that this hole in my heart will never be filled.

On to happier topics tomorrow!

another wonderful night

Last night I shared yet another wonderful evening with The Courier. We had a glass of wine before leaving for the party. He told me I looked beautiful, my dress was great. It was wonderful to hear the sincerity in his voice. 

Heading to the party, we laughed about the fact that neither of us remembers the whole evening from the last party. To avoid a repeat, we'd both made a point of eating prior to last night's engagement. The good part is we could laugh at the previous party. The Courier asked if it would be the same crowd. I explained there would be some repeats but some newbies too that are typically fun. 

Arriving at the party later meant we had to park at the top of the killer hill. A fun walk in each direction. The Courier was sweet and carried my party food contributions. It is those small gestures that turn me on. Surprisingly, the overall party turnout was lighter than anticipated. We put down my dishes, said hello to people as we navigated from the sweets table to the appetizer table. One of the gals who fell in love with The Courier lit up when she saw him. I think he was a bit tickled at that. As libations are a must, we tried the sangria and went on to find the host and hostess.

We had some nibbles. We laughed. We chatted up a few people. I truly enjoy The Courier's company. When the band began to play, he put his arms around my waist and held me tightly near him. A few times he kissed my shoulder blade. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Of course, the snoops eyeballed our every move. We were not over the top in any way; we were simply happy together.

While the band took a break, we went outside on the deck to finish our wine and were thoroughly entertained by the geek squad sitting out there ranting about all things uber geeky. We then collected our coats, said goodbye to the hostess, collected our serve-ware and headed up that big hill back to the car. 

Back at the house, we settled onto the couch and sipped a glass of malbec. We talked of our dearly departed dogs and ex-spouses. The Courier seemed rather curious about my marriage. Later we headed off to bed. He had to go to work this morning, so we were up well before the sun. Oh, I had such a wonderful evening.

It is terrible. For awhile, I have wanted to leave Austin. The get-out-of-Austin clock has started ticking and I don't want to leave. Not now; not while I am loving it down here.

princess birthday party

Mid-October when Lulu was doing better I decided that I would commit to a birthday party for her. We would celebrate her courage and bravery as she marked her tenth year. It was a big, important birthday, so I send out evites for today.

Sadly, today we still celebrated but our birthday hound was not physically here. Today, I remembered Lulu with her favorite aunties. It felt odd not to be looking for Lu before opening the front door. I only cried once when one of the girls gave me a birthday she'd made for Lulu prior.

As we talked about her, I realized that unconsciously I bought several of Lulu's favorite foods, such as shrimp, cherry tomatoes, red peppers, various cheeses and crackers. My girl had a refined palate. She also enjoyed roasted asparagus, green peppers, green chile. Lu was a vegetable eater as well as a carnivore. Boy, that little girl loved tomatoes a slight bit more than steak.

Lu's actual birthday is in eleven days. Tomorrow is three weeks since she went to heaven. So close but yet so far.

(two times, two times)

A song can be the best time machine ever. Instantly whisk a girl back to a time, long forgotten.

Killing Me Softly is playing on the radio. The Lauryn Hill version. That I vividly remember from my New York days, the days when I earnestly entered Corporate America complete with my M.B.A.. The nostalgia that coursed through my veins surprised me. The longing to be back in my Manhattan days with today's knowledge. To be fear free. To have shaken the timid college girl free. To have the opportunity to have the Me now in the shoes of the Me then.

But by the same token, I am glad that I found that I could express myself (sometimes maybe too much) here in Austin. Here in the heart of Texas during my thirties. To be safe and secure enough to fly the flag that is me. The good. The bad. The ugly. The fabulous shoes.

Here in Austin, over the course of almost four years, I have learned to be myself again. My true self. I have learned to be 100% okay with myself for who I am down to my very core. The fancy shoes. Dressing to the nines. But at the end of the day being true to myself. And that is all that matters. I have found myself after being dreadfully lost during my married years. Forgetting about the small shards that are essential in making me me. Above all else, knowing that no one else like me will ever walk this earth again. And I stayed true to that drummer who's beat I faithfully follow. Even through the darkness.

While this past year has been filled with an awful lot of downs, challenges, and obstacles, I made it through. I made it closer to being in synch with my true self. Honestly, this year, I lost friends over my work schedule and various perceptions. It has been tough. Sadly, I know that 2011 will commence with awkward friend-loss dynamics coming into play. But somehow the phoenix part of my Scorpio nature reminds me that sometimes death is required before rebirth can occur. And I am a-okay with that!

The best is yet to come!

spanks of success

I have always know that I am a blessed/lucky woman. For the most part, I have my act together. I can dress myself, have a good eye for color, know what looks best on my curvy figure. There is a brain ticking away upstairs and I possess a good sense of humor. However, what I view as the most important facet of being me is that I am humble.

Life-sucking vampire project is complete. I successfully finished it, even though there were moments I thought it might slay me. I won the well-deserved laurel wreath. As a result of my success, I was given a new position, which was a promotion (although I did not receive any monetary raise that one would think normally comes with a promotion). I was completely thrilled to receive this new opportunity and there are times I catch myself thinking it is dream. However, until this week, I did not realize the colossalness of my new job. It is an entry level executive position of sorts. People have been congratulating me with caveats along the lines of "I have to be super nice to you now because you're important". Me? Little old me. I continue to have a difficult time with those comments.

Every day I pull on my spanks to keep everything in place and slip my dress on over my head, the same as everyone else. The learning curve is significantly steeper than I anticipated. Frustration is running deep and fast because I feel lost. I am constantly reminding myself that I felt the exact same frustration when I started the life-sucking vampire project. This too shall pass, Patsy. I want to be stellar, have happy customers.

I am no one special. I am simply a girl with an unwavering drive to succeed. High hopes for making the new gig as shining super star success like the life-sucking vampire project (with no life sucking this time!).

pop! goes the champagne cork!

Since Friday, there has been emotional upheaval everywhere. I won't get into it all right now because I simply don't have the energy for unnecessary drama anymore.

But in goodness, today was Super Dad's first full day at the Mayo. While there were some moments for concern, at the end of it all, the Mayo was all positive goodness. I was relieved during our early evening phone call. Based on the story relayed to me, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It makes me so happy for him.

The prospect of a life with manageable pain. Answers as opposed to narcotics. Living life to its fullest again. That is what Super Dad needs, what he truly does deserve. I am grateful tonight. I am thankful tonight. Here is my little Austin bungalow tonight, I celebrated with champagne. Because hope is everything.

the blink of an eye

Today is my anniversary. Fourteen years ago today I started with my company. I was 21 years old, fresh out of undergrad. It was only supposed to be small diversion between undergrad and grad school. However, upon completing grad school, I continued working there, finding new opportunities and began traveling the United States.

Fast forward to today, fourteen years later. I am now 35 and frankly I am amazed at how far I have come. The timid, shy girl has given way to a confident professional who isn't afraid to speak her mind and stand her ground. There have been a few key individuals who have been instrumental in helping me find and use my voice. Some individuals, from a purely superficial view, appeared to be the least likely candidates, but they saw my potential - sometimes under conditions when even I couldn't see it or feel it. And to those special people, my eternal gratitude is yours.

What does the future, my future hold? If it is anything like this past fourteen, then adventure is mine to have and life is mine to seize. What I have learned is to trust myself, remain true to my soul, continue to do my best to live fearlessly, embracing adventure.

merry christmas

Christmas. A day of quiet filled with bubbly, hound lovin', and BBC.

This Christmas day lies in stark contrast to last year. A year ago today I was frantically getting ready for The Southern Gentleman's visit. Anticipation and hope were overflowing in my little corner of the Austin city limits. The Southern Gentleman's presence in my life has been reduced to the Bela Fleck holiday CD that arrived via the post last week. Quite the change.

But change is welcome here. I'd much rather be tossed about in a sea of change than trapped in the desert of stagnation.

So today amidst the bubbles and BBC, I look forward to the many changes, full of giggling excitement, lurking right around the corner.

dreams versus reality

I'm back!

My glorious dream-of-all-dreams holiday is over. It was better than anticipated. As my 35th birthday rapidly approaches, I feel I did an excellent job of marking it with a special memory.

back from r&r

Thrust back into cold, hard reality after my week of Mexico holiday bliss.

The week away was exactly what was very much needed. I am relaxed and tan. Enjoyed days filled with pool and ocean tide. Of course, there were cocktails. Oh, were there cocktails. And fabulous espresso as our resort catered to Italians.

Sad to report, I was not wooed by any hot Italian men. Or Texans, or Mexicans for that matter. It was a resort filled with couples along with a smattering of families and honeymooners. But that was quite alright by me as I ran around in a bikini (working on that good old body image stuff) and didn't gain a pound!

So this little holiday was a winner on all fronts!

good news bears

Last night before the concert, my little text message ringer went off. My new phone was filled with good news! Alexander is officially cancer free!! Pathology reports were clean! Woo Hoo!!

What fabulous news after the past two weeks of hell. No radiation or chemo required either! WOO HOO!!

Life is delicious.

perspective: endings/beginnings

I am feeling much better today. The sadness attached to his leaving has finally subsided and happiness has stepped back on the scene.

I needed a few days to process his holiday, to sort through my feelings. The immediate aftermath is always hard. My phone rang off the hook on Monday. I didn't answer or make a single call as I simply could not talk to anyone after the departure. My emotions were too raw.

A few days of cocooning were necessary for me though. I started writing up our time together. Simply chronicling and recording - seeing it on a page highlighted all the goodness that did occur.

With my perspective sorted, I am so ready for our huge party tonight! I am ready for 2009 to begin as I am sure this year will also be a wild ride... but anything less would be boring. As much as I hate my roller coaster life some days, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Edina has masterminded a brilliant plan for tonight. But paramount is that tonight I end 2008 and begin 2009 with some of the most important people in my life. I will be surrounded by many of the special blessings that Austin has given me. The past two years here have been pivotal in my life. So many of my dreams have come true down here. I look forward to another year of magic.

tuesday night fun and games

last night, i met edina at a roof top happy hour. at said happy hour, i was approached by a man who was on the same wine tour with us a few weeks ago. the power of wine and a calvin klein dress equated to him hitting on me!

it was quite exciting. at first i though it was purely the fact that edina and i were the only familiar faces in the vicinity. however, it was when he waited in line with me for a glass of vino that i realized he might actually be a bit interested in me. when we finally reached the bar, they were out of wine glasses. we hovered around the bar await the glasses arrival. the beauty of the situation was that when the glasses appeared, he immediately inquired as to which variety i wanted and he got my glass of wine for me. now attentiveness goes a long way with this girl.

edina was taking this all in. she made sure to invite him to my birthday celebration this weekend. he appeared to be committing it to memory, but honestly i am simply happy for the few moments of attention i received last night.

i had to leave early to go to my reiki session. edina urged me to cancel due to male prospects, but i simply couldn't. i come first.

my reiki session was absolutely amazing. it took me awhile to get grounded in my body again, but i feel so much lighter. i am definitely happy with the choice i made last night.

Day One

November is always my favorite month. It is for many Americans because it marks fall, Thanksgiving, and the start to Christmas shopping. While I enjoy fall, I don't care for the holiday trappings. Never been fond of turkey and over the years Christmas has waned as well.

The reason I love November is simple - it's my birthday month! And since my day is early in the month, I always attempt to milk it for as long as possible.

Shortly I will be greeting 34. And I could not think of a better place to do it. Here. In the land of heat, humidity, and obligatory creepy-crawlies. But most importantly surrounded by my friends. My friends in a place where I have been the happiest ever.

Happy November!

party barge

another day of pure magic here in austin...

of course, i still feel like i am floating along on the boat... but only the remnants of a million jello shots remain.

another day of what makes this place so special....

Work and Play

Work has been so incredibly draining. It feels like I never leave this place. I constantly remind myself that this is what it takes to make it to the next level - that I have busted my bum and deserve this opportunity - but it does come with a price. I have to earn it. Plain. And. Simple. But that will not stop me from complaining!

So pulling my hair out at work is directly proportional to less writing opportunities. I have all these wonderful thoughts in my head that want to be formulated onto the screen.

In other snappy funness, I am so looking forward to this weekend! It is Edina's birthday and a gaggle of us girls are going away for the weekend. Sun, Fun, and Vodka! Not in that particular order... will more likely resemble Vodka! Vodka! Fun! Vodka! Sun! Vodka! Vodka! VodkA! Fun! Vodka!

The pups are even getting their own little private holiday too. Booked them at a doggie day care hotel for the weekend. They have been absolute troopers with the move to The Capitol of Bugs, so I am treating them too.

I can't stand the wait for Friday. Of course, there will be obsessive FURminatoring until then!

Alexander and The Cow

Imagine my excitement today when the phone rang while I was en route to the grocery store and I saw it was him.

I met him the summer of 1992. I was 17 years old, entering my senior year. He was 16, soon-to-be a junior. We were thrown together on a bus trip from Colorado to New York. A handful of juniors and seniors - all of us from the state of Colorado.

However, there were only three of us from the Big Mile High City. Most were from rural small towns. He was one of the small towners; kids who led a more country-style of life. Kids who slung insults of a farm life slant. One of the 'city girls' (I use this term loosely here... the more appropriate term would be white trash, but that word was not in my lexicon at the time) was described as the Purple Holstein. You see, she was a larger girl and had purchase a purple and white tie dyed Hard Rock Cafe knockoff short set in Washington D.C.; the nickname came immediately when the purple and white short set was first worn and subsequently became her favorite outfit on our trip. Any one of the rural kids would squeal 'Purple Holstein' and there would be an uproar of laughter from the group. I would laugh along because I figured it had to be about the outfit because as a true girl of perfectly manicured suburbia, I had no clue what a Holstein actually was.

Our time in Washington D.C. is when I have my first vivid memories of Alexander and I forging what would become our invincible friendship. Alexander has been mentioned here before, my bestest gay friend ever. We were at Union Station and we decided to have a bit of sushi at the food court. I was had eaten sushi before and was the ring leader in the order as Alexander had an adventurous spirit like my own and wanted to expand his culinary tastes. I pointed out that the wasabi was hot. That would lead to Alexander keeping the remaining wasabi, telling one of the big, bully-esque cow kids the green stuff was yummy 'so put a whole bunch in your mouth' in front of the group, only to watch the kid turn red with the flaming sensation known only as wasabi.

As the Purple Holstein joke progressed and I remained in the dark, I asked Alexander while we were on the bus, what was it about the joke that caused such laughter to erupt with two little words. Shock and dismay arose as Alexander stated, "You don't know what a Holstein is?" He then had to share with those around us that I was not privy to the knowledge of this mysterious Holstein thing. He imparted that a Holstein is in fact a cow... yes, I am a city girl! Cows were typically known to me in technical terms such as hamburgers and steaks. I never spent my precious teenage time pondering the different types of cows before they were steak-on-my-plate. Cows are cows are cows.

From that moment forward I could wholeheartedly giggle with the true knowledge of what exactly the Purple Holstein was. I do believe the poor girl was completely oblivious the entire time - thank goodness.

But all these years later, Alexander and I are still bestest friends. He is one of the very few people I can be completely candid with about anything and everything. I hold nothing back from him and he has often expressed the same of me.

Seventeen year ago, a choice to take an exam and give a five minute speech to a bunch of old folks, turned into a bus trip across the country with a handful of kids. Those two weeks gave me one of my very bestest friends, gay or otherwise.

Supporting the Girls

A few weeks ago, I sucked up my body issues and marched into Victoria’s. After my weight gain and subsequent weight loss, I have been residing in bra limbo. The fat bras are too big; the skinny bras remain a smidge tight – that’s what the final five pounds desperately clinging to my body will do.

I subjected myself to getting fitted. Yes, I let the pencil thin Vickie’s sales girl attack me with her measuring tape. I had been dreading it due the unknown of it all. Pre-weight gain, I was a 34B. I liked being a 34B – I could run around without a bra on and not look too gross. As you can tell, I am not a fan of hauling around big knockers. A padded bra is quite alright by me.

She measured everything twice, then a third time, which only added to my dread. “Well, you are between sizes.” Great! Story of my life any more… damn you, you five pounds! “I think you would do best in a 34C as opposed to a 36B.”

Did she say 34C? The heavens opened ever so slightly sending down a teensy ray of hope… 34 is part of my world again! 34C is close enough to 34B for me these days. My dread has lifted. I bought a bunch of bras with my 5 year old Vicki’s gift certificate – a remnant from my bridal shower returns.

Having bras that truly fit again is a wondrous thing. Opening my bra drawer every morning and actually having choices is sublime. Some sort of switch flipped in this experience and in a small way I am ok with that part of my body now. And depending on how things go on The Southern Gentleman’s upcoming holiday, some of those bras and panties may just see the light of day…

monday full of answers

it is 12:01 but it is still monday to me. a monday i will never forget.

today, a big prayer of mine was answered. i am so joyful and happy.

About Last Night...

Last night....

was lots of fun

almost too much fun, if such a thing is possible

yet another late night

fair amounts of alcohol consumed

dancing at the gay bar which is always exciting

a blind man bought me a drink

still cannot text message with any level of efficiency

made new friends

enjoyed late night whataburger onion rings

had a smile plastered on my drunken face all night

life is simply better here for me

reason #333 why I *love* it here