24 January 2007
Due to the event roller coaster of yesterday, I keep thinking today is Tuesday as opposed to the Wednesday that it truly is.
Yesterday started off with a bang. The mute mobile phone rings. It is friends from Chicago, who I have have been thinking of a lot recently. It is The Wife Friend using the The Husband Friend's mobile. Ok - they need better names than that... Wifey and Goofy Buddy... not brilliant but getting better.
Wifey tells me that she has some bad news. I know deep within my heart what she is about to say but I refuse to believe it - her hubby, my Goofy Buddy is dead.
Immense unspeakable sadness comes over me immediately. My heart is so heavy, it now resides in my feet. Goofy Buddy wasn't able to fight his cancer any more. He was only 40.
Goofy Buddy was exactly that - a goofy guy with the biggest heart in the world - a truly dear friend. The only friend of my ex-husband (The Leech) who remained my friend post-divorce.
Speaking of divorce, I had to call the Leech to let him know about Goofy Buddy. Of course, the phone number I had for him promptly informed me the number had been disconnected. I sent an email but didn't know when or if The Leech would check it. So I called the least offensive of The Leech's friends for his phone number. It was a painful call and no number was received but I asked for the message to be relayed. That was definitely above and beyond the call of duty but I did it anyway.
Tomorrow I am getting on the plane to go to the funeral. I should have went to see Goofy Buddy when he was alive but going now is what I can do to honor the special place he held in my life.
Then Montana Man is having health issues. Lovely. Even though we are not dating, I still care about his overall health, especially since surgery may be required.
Then work continued to mount and is getting quite ugly. I have been working 12 hour days all week. I am burnt out!
Then I check the RSVP list for my dinner tonight. I am floored. A bad blast from my recent dating past is going to attend. I'd been looking forward to this dinner for weeks and poof! Vintage Luxury Car Man is going to be there - it is a small restaurant and only a group of 40. I am crushed. The background is that he was a dull date - dinner at 5:45 (if I was 5 minutes late, he'd ring the phone off the hook), a hockey game, then part ways. A girl's gotta eat but then I had enough. Since I do believe in dating karma, I broke it off stating I needed to get over my divorce and realized I wasn't ready to date yet. well.... Vintage Luxury Car Man did not take no for an answer - he harassed me for weeks to "still be friends." I said no and eventually stopped responding because he. just. didn't. get. it!
So I thought I would go early to be sure to enlist girl pal help to position myself safely. Well, he was there already but I did not acknowledge him. I was proud of myself but I feared opening the door again and I am so not going there.
I survived. He stared at me all night to try to engage in making eye contact to open the door and I didn't play. Some guy sat near me and later I find out that he has a tendency to stalk. Yes - leave it to me to have him talk to me all night. Oh well.
Then I get home to find that The Confused ex-coworker freak has pinged me twice. I haven't talked about the whole Confused Ex-Coworker Freak ordeal - that will be coming - I promise - because it is another can only happen to me story. Dear God - why all the weirdos! I just x'd out the conversation window and pretended that it never existed.
Then I couldn't sleep because I was hopped up on chai tea - obviously caffeinated. I finally fell asleep at 4 AM. The alarm went off at 5:30 AM because Wednesday is a gym day.
Hence why today feels like Tuesday.
19 January 2007
In my new be social and get out there mindset, I went to drag queen bingo with the group. I was so proud of myself for being there on time. woo hoo. Of course, I end up sitting down and get joined by an older man waiting for his blind date to arrive. I have switched cocktail of choice from vodka tonic to rum and diet coke - have to save calories somehow and I justify it with diet coke.
Drag queen bingo was a disappointment. This troupe was no where near as good as my hairdresser and his buddy who ran drag queen bingo at another nearby bar. However, there was a huge bright point - a Brit gal who moved here this spring and she brought a ton of Cadbury with her - heavenly curly wurlys to be specific - nirvana, heaven and much needed as I am in full press PMS mode. Needless to say, I am now craving UK Cadbury goodies. I feel an order will be placed next month.
After Drag Queen Bingo, I joined two other gals for ladies night at a country bar. I'd never been to this place but decided to go because what the hell. After Montana Man exposure, I have learned of this thing called country music. Expanding my horizons, plus the stock show is still in town so there was the added bonus of real cowboy encounters.
But this is my life. Do any hottie cowboys hit on me? Of course not. But who hits on me immediately - BORAT! Story of my existence - first to get hit on of the girls - but it is fucking Borat - swear - absolutely no lie - and Borat is all up in my personal space. I shot that down instantaneously. Get in my face and ignore the one foot personal space rule and you don't have a chance. Blatant rudeness is something I cannot tolerate.
Had fun getting to know a new gal pal - I am excited at the prospect of actually acquiring new friends. On the way home (approx. 1:30 AM), I decided to call up MM. No, I was not drunk dialing or drunk driving for that matter. When MM used to travel for work, he'd always call at 1, 2, 3 AM to talk after he'd been out boozing. Well, I decided it was time for a little pay back. Even though it was a short conversation, it felt empowering.
Of course, getting up a few short hours later wasn't so much fun but I survived.
16 January 2007
However, while enjoying the hair love that only the Wingo Onyx can provide, I noticed the gray hairs. on. my. head. It made me sick. Before it was the stray one or two - but now - there are more - many more. Alas, I am getting old.
There were the two nasty little motherfuckers who decided to grow right in front of my face - as if to make in roads to serve as a daily reminder. But there are more - on my crown - and a few of them were LONG! As to mock me and show me that they, the gray hairs are here and proud and have been secretly growing on my head without my knowledge. If it weren't for my highlights, I wonder how much worse the situation truly is!?!?
The motherfucker gray hairs are a reminder than even though I look pretty good - in fact am often told I look much younger than 32 - age really is advancing on me. My clock is ticking. Just yesterday I heard a radio commercial about becoming an egg donor - the maximum age is 32! Fuck!
The whole point is that my clock finally turned on. Is finally ticking. Which is scary. On a monumental scale. However, leave it to me to be a late bloomer - err, I mean late ticker.
Damn, why am I always late?
15 January 2007
Needless to say, I have been noodling on it for a bit. Poof! This morning in the shower, answers start flowing as the water fell from the shower head.
It all stems from knowing how much you truly understand me and vice versa. I have never met anyone who understands me - knows me - the intrinsic, deep down me.
In my 32 years of life, I have never come across anyone who understood and I never had to explain or reason. Sure, some people understand certain facets of me. But soup to nuts, the only person to have that breath of understanding is you. And it is wonderful to finally have a person in my life who gets me like that regardless of our relational plane of being.
There aren't many of us - you and me - out here in this big, beautiful world. So filled with drive, ambition, willingness to get things done; to be brimming with goals and dreams and making those brilliant flits of light and hope into something tangible. But under all that - the persona in good clothes, perfectly coiffed - lies sensitive, caring individuals who keep their vulnerability tucked safely under the surface. There is a level of trust we share because we both feel safe enough to share our vulnerabilities with each other - we understand its sacredness.
To know at my core that you understand the road I travel, the challenges that surface, the tenderness that lies under the armor is why I continue to put up with you.
To not have to say anything but yet I know what you need is why I continue to put up with you.
It is that special friendship we share - kindred spirits - that is why I continue to put up with you.
You are The Star
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised
The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
12 January 2007
I have been noodling on what to post all day. Noodled or not, I still am not able to concoct a cohesive idea. I know you are tired of hearing about Montana Man - quite frankly, I am tired of it too. Especially since I have never taken a break up so hard before. I don't feel as confused and heart sick as I did yesterday, which is positive. I talked poor Shell's ear off about it today - two hours worth - I love that gyrl!
It is Montana Man's mixed messages that throw me. I know this is the problem, why it is difficult for me. He says "we are friends", then he says "I love you", then he kisses me, and then he goes back to the beginning - wash, rinse, repeat. This is a flow chart!
This afternoon, I needed to talk with Montana Man before calling back the auto broker. I called and MM answered the phone - the weirdness is how he answered the phone - as if to be chipper and happy it was me on the line. He had to call me back due to an incoming work call he was receiving. MM actually did call me back and we talked. He sounded in good spirits. We chatted. Men!
Well. What's next. Gotta keep on moving onward and upward. That's for sure.
I am so tired of all this fucking snow! Today we got a little more snow but it was the bitter below zero coldness that did me in. I need good weather again so I can go out and socialize!! Please send the sun back to Denver - please!
11 January 2007
It was Montana Man. His voice sounded terrible. He cautiously asked if I would meet him for a beer. Because of what I heard in his voice, I agreed.
So I got dressed in my new size 8 jeans and medium tee. Applied a quick dash of make up, kennelled the hounds, and was out the door.
He was already at the bar when I arrived. He looked like shit. His eyes were so tired. Hell warmed over. Hugged. He checked me out - seeing as I have lost a bunch of weight and had purposely chosen items that emphasized it.
Coors Light all around. Then the talking began. MM told me he was tired. He is going to the Daytona time trials at the end of the month to decompress. He kept emphasizing he was going by himself.
He showed me the facilities his new company is going to purchase. His face lit up a bit when I asked questions and showed genuine interest. MM shifted around in his chair a bit, looked at the floor then said he had to tell me something and didn't know how to but he had to tell me. All the build up only for it to be that a bit ago he had dated a chick for a couple of weeks. He broke it off quickly and stated it didn't feel right. MM continued by assuring me he knew I'd been on a couple dates. To this I replied that I honestly haven't; dating is not on my priority list at this time - cultivating friendships is my priority. However, I did tell him that men have hit on me from time to time, which has been ego boost enough for this girl.
MM apologized profusely about all he'd put me through. I am done with being sorry and told him so.
Next item was that our friendship means so much more to him than our relationship did. I am the one person in this world he can count on to listen to him. Profuse thanks and gratitude for meeting him tonight were uttered.
He asked why I continue to speak with him, put up with him. For that I did not have an answer at the time. Honestly, some days - no, most days -I don't know why myself.
A beer later, he pulled me closer to him. Waited a bit. Then tried to kiss me - which caught me off guard. I simply looked at him. Of course, later we ended up cementing that kiss.
MM went on and on about our friendship. We talked about the gyrls a bit. We talked about my life some; however, I focused the conversations on MM because I knew he had to talk.
"Wanderlust Gryl, I know you better than you will ever know and I know that you know me better than anyone else." The magnet between us is still strong - and we are both powerless against it. There's this spark that ignites - we both sense it - however, neither of us speaks of it. I truly believe our souls recognize each other - that's our bond. However, that recognition - what is it's importance?
The man I left the bar with was a vastly different man than I met there just a few hours earlier. He walked me to my car, where we proceeded to hug which turned into some passionate kiss action.
We went back to my house. Two consenting adults - yes. He was the man I fell in love with a year ago - the tender, caring, sweet man who looks like anything but those things. I missed him and that was why when he asked to stay overnight, I said yes. Because lately my king size bed has been empty. I needed to have his arms around me while I sleep.
Incredible sex ensued. Our perfect fit was brought up by him. Are you noticing the evening's pattern too? MM's pendulum swing between relationship states - togetherness vs friendship.
He still loves me - not simply because he told me so - but because I can still see the love in his eyes. But until he has got the rest of his life stable, there is no us.
While being held in his strong arms, MM asked me "Why does someone so pretty, smart and thin as you want some old, fat, ugly divorced man?"
I told him about what Breckenridge pal had got me thinking about - about us and a second go - but that he had already given me his answer earlier in the evening. But still I did verbalize it.
He thanked me for being there for him tonight. I told him that if he simply wanted a booty call, it'd have been easier to state that from the beginning. I struck a nerve with him on that statement. He retorted he needed to talk - that was why he called - but getting laid was a surprisingly delightful perk. My reply - so I am only ears and a vagina to you. "No, Wanderlust, you most definitely aren't. You are so much more to me than just that."
I was growing tired but we continued to talk. He told me that if there were any loss on the Merc sale, he'd split the difference with me because the car was part of his responsibility. He spoke of the fact that I have stuck by him a lot longer and through more shit than he'd expected me too. Another topic he brought up was the monetary part - how much he appreciated it to get him through - I told him I shared it with him because I loved him and he needed it at the time. Somehow him being a topic with my therapist came up - he didn't know he was - duh! He said something about me moving into the house, which I only vaguely remember, something about being put on the house as second owner - I know I replied "that's too much math for me right now."
I fell asleep for a bit but then was awake, my brain trying to process the entire evening. Lots of emotion everywhere. Our previous post-break up encounters have not been this emotionally charged. The mixed signals/messages really got me this time. I had been feeling nostalgic any way with January 17th being a year that we first met.
For the first time in a long time, he stayed in bed until 8:30 this morning. It was nice to have him by my side last night; however, it also reminds me of what I miss. Today I am a little sad. Also a little disappointed. A little confused. A little happy. All rolled into one.
My take away - the moral of sorts:
Montana Man does love me. But. He is not in a place for us to be anything more than friends right now. He may never be in a place for us to be anything other than simply friends. No matter what my heart feels, I cannot let it lead me because it won't lead me to a place I need to be. What is/was MM's purpose in my life? Why did he come into my life? I can't let this get to me. I have to accept it and not become emotionally attached - can't let it affect me emotionally.
08 January 2007
It must be finality to it all. The fact that 17 January is a year he walked into my life. And that date is right around the corner.
I am torn between saying something and keeping quiet. I always stayed quiet with him and it wasn't a good thing. Maybe I should open my mouth. Speak from my heart. Take the chance on being rejected.
Is this a litmus test on his part? I keep telling myself that men are not that complicated - but MM always proved to be smarter than the average duck and behaved in some ways more like a woman.
Fear of rejection has cost me before. I have to risk without fear. Live fearlessly where men are concerned, where my heart is concerned. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Prepare for the worst, expect nothing.
The more I think about it, let the words fly forth from my fingers without processing, I feel that I should say something to him. Be honest, first and foremost.
I never said enough to him before. Maybe this is how I begin again. Regardless of his answer, I tell him the truth, I am honest with him and honest with myself about how I feeling; I share the vulnerable parts of me.
07 January 2007
Part of me says that this life. We are done. Moving on is what happens. This is reality. Simple as that.
Then there is part of me that is sad. Disappointed because he is moving on. But I am too - I am going out and making new friends.
However, I feel this may be good for him to do because you don't meet someone like me every day. Maybe kissing some frogs is just what he needs.
Last week when my dear Breckenridge pal was here, she asked if MM and I would get back together. Breckenridge got me thinking about trying again and approaching MM on the subject. That's why the sting is a little deeper today.
I don't know.
05 January 2007
So I called MM. Cried a bit. MM will help me sell it after it is fixed. I hope it sells itself easily, quickly and I can recoup the money I've spent on it thus far.
The Benz was my dream. I fucked the car up pretty damn good and expensively within a few short minutes. Sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated. Disappointed. The repairs cost money I do not have. To have a car like this requires more money than I ever anticipated. However, it was also purchased under the pretense of two incomes - MM and me - we'd be able to cover these items. Two is always better than one.
I had it for 6 months. Maybe that was all I was meant to have it. Maybe I need to find another dream.
03 January 2007
I need for 2007 to be shining; hence, that is my goal above all goals.
Weight Loss and Maintenance - finish that up already. The fact that I bought size 8 jeans - yes - 8! - right before Christmas was spectacular. Size 10 is fitting again. I am so uber thrilled to be only 4 pounds away from my goal weight - my before the world melted down around me original weight I always was. I may just try to get down a little more than originally planned though. Just because I can. A skinny gyrl is a happy gyrl.
Establish new friendships; improve nourishing current friendships. I am getting better - like one million percent improvement - at talking to random strangers and getting the fuck out of the house after a long work day. My social life is beginning to bloom a bit. I will have a healthy social network before long.
Find work that makes me happy again. Feeling vital and productive is key. Burnout was a key theme for a good portion of 2006. I am over it. Time to move on and find something that makes my heart sing again. Key factors include advancement opportunities and getting the fuck out the house a bit more. Being thinner helps this immensely as I can fit in my suits again; hence, being in the public eye not evil anymore. I am done turning my wheels and life being nothing more than a template complete with uncooperative peeps.
Finish the house renovation project once and for all. I need to enjoy the house rather than curse it. I have made great strides and have only one big project remaining. The time has come to start enjoying the house and having peeps over. I am done slaving over it. Need to start living in it.
Embrace my independence. Enjoy being single. I have come to realize and accept that even at 32 and with all the amazing adventures I have had since high school/university, I still have a few big wild oats to go sow. Probably a year or two more of pure adventure and answering to no one is necessary so I don't regret it later. I have always sought to live a life less ordinary - snatching up those little bits and pieces is key.
As always, keep trying new and different things. Continue adding to my bag of tricks. Become more comfortable in being attractive and magnetic.
Of note: Congrats to Helen!