30 November 2006

Farewell NaBloPoMo

Hard to believe 30 days and November will be but a distant memory in a few hours.

It is still fucking freezing here. I hate the snow. While it did melt some today - at least the sun came out a bit - it is still chilly.

Don't quite know how I am going to get myself out of bed in the complete darkness that is 5:30 AM.... gym day with Neighbor. I was hoping we'd get the rest of the week off due to inclement weather but alas I will burn some calories off my arse!

I started painting in the kitchen today. Thought about MM's lawyer whilest painting trim - really need to comparison shop I think.

I am bummed as I was not offered Dream Job at this time. I received that crushing blow to the abdomen and ego yesterday. But it also buys me time to get my life - personal life straightened out - find mind, body, soul nirvana before heading off into the wild blue yonder.

I am still melancholy as I looked forward to jetting off to Amsterdam after the first of the year. But hell hasn't frozen over yet, so hope can still burn within my heart. Because without hope, I am nothing.

29 November 2006

New Haircut, New Hound

The Dachshund looks like the wire-haired gyrl that she is... and she behaved so we are not banished from her new houndie salon...

28 November 2006

Happy Tuesday

I cannot wait until this afternoon. It is acupuncture Tuesday! and I really need it. It is getting progressively harder to get out of bed in the morning. Motivation is minimal. A few needles and I will be queen of the world again!

Also it is shrink Tuesday! I am covering all my depression fronts today. But all that truly matters is I am feeling better. Slowly but sure, I am getting back on track.

It is getting chilly and gray here. The snow is coming. I hate snow.

Tonight - last knitting class! Mark that off the list.

27 November 2006

Money, Money, Money, Money

Today was all about spending cash. The credit cards got a fair workout; however, most purchases were made right here from the coffee table.

First order of business was to get the items from last night's adventure. Much to my disappointment, the two items - a curio cabinet and the coffee table - are on back order. Urgh! I. WANT. IT. NOW. INSTANT. GRATIFICATION. NOW! Alas, I will be waiting, hoping, and praying that the items arrive by mid-December. May the shipping gods have mercy on my desire to finish up the house. I am so over my college coffee table already.

Then I ordered my new boots on-line. The pointy ones are coming in black, the longer sleek pair in double espresso. I cannot wait for them to arrive. Sizing offered zero guidance. The gal said they fit "true to size" but what does that mean to the girl who takes a 7 1/2 or 8. Cuz ordered a pair of shoes from them last year in a 7 and they were a little small. Waiting, hoping, praying that the 7 1/2s fit.

The other on-line purchase was flowers for my southern pal who is recovering from a hysterectomy. The delivery charge was outrageous! 12 bucks! Shipping on the boots was 10 quid!

Tomorrow is another cash outlay day - I have my acupuncture treatment in the afternoon. I have been feeling the effects waning, so I am truly looking forward to recharging my ancient Chinese secrets. Also tomorrow night is my last knitting class. Must knit like a mad woman tonight to get the thing near to done stage.

The Doxie has her first appointment for a bath and cut with a groomer. This should be an adventure - the doxie is terrified of the vacuum and the little clipper I use to shave her bum - doxie will = basket case. But she will be all clean and pretty for her Sunday photo shoot with Santa.
<--- This is the doxie before photo

I had zero motivation today. I got up early to hit the gym with Neighbor. Tomorrow is busy so no painting will get done. But Wednesday is another story - want painting done.

Hopefully I will have some fun stories tomorrow as today was a dull one.

26 November 2006

Palm Sunday

Cuz and I got our palms read in January. At that reading, the Palmist asked me who the two little kids were that I was sitting on the carpet playing with regularly. I knew no children. Two week later I met MM - hence the two small children I would play.

I decided to go see the Palmist again. Today was the day. Cuz and the baby came. Of course, the baby was hungry and the Palmist was running behind, so Cuz went to car and did not get read.

Right off the bat, Palmist speaks of the car - the grey car - and the stopping motion of my discovery of the ease with which it can switch from automation to manual transmission. She had a difficult time beginning because I was giving off such an intense energy - the tingling of the intense emotion that has become a part of my life of late.

Two areas of focus - job and men.

As for job, looks like my new job will become a reality. She feels it will be about two weeks until I hear anything. Palmist spoke of my friend on the inside and the man she reports to. That I will go in sideways - not directly - which is how the entire process has been. The job isn't going to be perfect but I will get out of it what I want. Sometimes it will entail doing the work of two people - a given at the company. Woo hoo - new job!

Men. MM came across loud and clear and she said that he is not "the one." In fact, need to get him out of my life. She asked if there were two men in my life right now - that would be a big no - then she asked if he had a split personality - Bingo, Mr. mild Bi-polar-leaning-toward-depression. She said that he said a lot of hurtful thing to me - Yes. I have been crying a lot, all the time a lot - Yes. For about three months - Yes. She nailed what MM looked like.

Three significant relationships - the Leech (a la ex), MM, and mystery man #3 looming on the horizon. Of course the horizon is a loooong way off - 2 years away - I'll be 34. Back in January, she said I'd met Mr. Right within 1.5 years, possibly married within that time. Who knows?!

But she was pretty positive about the 2 years, about 34 years old. And he will be dark haired and similar in appearance to MM. Instant attraction - had that with MM. Mr. Mysteriouso will just slide into my life.

The depression came up. Great news, my depression lines run deep! Fucking wonderful. But the ugliest is behind me.

I have three stars on my right hand - present and future hand - a star each for my talent, work, communication. Things are supposed to calm down - stress won't go away completely - but will be a lot calmer than it is now. She emphasized that the shit going on now is temporary.

She told me that I need to get out there - to make a point of going out and looking around. Only with the caveat that in my depressed state, I will probably attract men in the same mental state.

My independence line is strong - well yeah.

I was told to finish the book as well. And I do need to get to that - maybe it won't be as draining as the depression lessens.

That's all I can remember. For $25, I was delighted.

25 November 2006

Up and At 'Em

I awoke early for a Saturday, especially since I possessed a teensey hangover, because MM was dropping off the gyrls. MM had his alkie class this morning; hence, I got to hang with the gyrls.

Once again, the gyrls were ecstatic to be here. We hung out for a bit and then went out for brekkie. Had a great gyrlie breakfast and everyone was happy. A quick trip to Target to pick up a new DVD player - hey for $25, can't beat it! Then we picked up food for the houndies.

By the time we were done with our errands and on our way home, MM was waiting in the driveway. We go inside the house. The gyrls don't want to leave as they need more time playing with the houndies. Since the gyrls were busy, I asked MM to help me move the television that weight 17 million pounds. We started moving furniture around and making sense of the massive mess of cords. MM informed me that with after turkey day sales, I should take the spankin new DVD player back and get a home theatre system for a few bucks more. And he is going to go with me to make the purchase and put in together for me. Okay - wasn't expecting that one.

We load the kids in the car, DVD player to be returned in tow and off we go. MM is determined to find the best value so first is Best Buy to no avail, then on to Wally World without finding anything and finally Target once again to score a home run. $50 bucks and a good enough for me system. At Target, we ran into my pops as he was leaving - this should send mum's propeller spinning violently.

MM installed everything and it worked. So that made me happy. The gyrls were happy. The houndies were happy.

The gyrls wanted to hold my hand all the time again. It was weird running errands with them again. From the outside, the four of us looked like a family again. Only one catch, our romantic love is gone. I felt immense love toward the gyrls but not so much for their father. Mixed blessing, right? I am getting over the hurt, which is good though. I wonder what the future holds. Only one way to find out - live it!

24 November 2006

Boundaries or the Gobble Day Disaster

In an attempt to spend a pleasant Turkey Day as the boycott is in full effect, I went to a Friend's. One who I thought was a good friend and she knows the ups and downs of that which is referred to as the boycott. In fact, she often refers to us as best friends. Note key word: thought.

I pull up in the Benz and the other male guest run out the door to check out the fine German machinery before the key is out of the ignition. Dinner was uneventful - pleasant enough. After dinner, we all get up from the table. Friend and her husband are clearing the table. I, being a good guest, begin to pick up dishes so Friend does not have to leave the dishwasher she is loading. Nice, right? Wrong in Friend's world. I get my ass handed to me for placing two dishes on the counter top beside her. To quote "What are you doing putting those dirty dishes on my clean counter top!" Note: counter top was not clean. "Of all people, I would have never thought you'd do this to me." To which, she picked up the two dishes like a wild woman and brought them back to the kitchen table. Creating quite a scene all the while.

Let's summarize with one word - Ridiculous. No. Two words - Ridiculous and Rude.

I drank a glass of wine while contemplating how to handle this. Normally, I'd have stayed and glossed over it. But it got me damn mad because it was so unnecessary - two fucking dirty dishes. I knew she had control issues but F.U.C.K.

She'd been on shaky ground with me because of the Benz and the nasty jealous digs she'd make about it. Next nasty remark, she was going to hear that I couldn't be her pal if she kept her hard-on about the damn car. Also, she relished a little too much pleasure that things with MM and I were kaput. She was too upset and made sure she announced to everyone whenever we were together that I screw up her poker game when I play with them because I win instead of her. Poor loser.

So after contemplating, I grabbed my salad bowl, unused fondue pot, and my purse and walked right out the front door and kept on going until the engine was purring and I was on my way home.

Normally, I'd have been concerned about what the rest of the guests thought; but I said fuck it - I'll never see them again and quite frankly I really don't give a flying fuck. I won't tolerate that petty behaviour from my family, so why the fuck am I going to let a stranger get way with that unnecessary shit.

The boundary had been set with the Benz comment and it transferred to the unnecessary bullshit of two plates and being a decent human being. I had set the boundary and she crossed it. I won't talk to her anymore. I don't care because I don't need people like that in my life. I left quietly because she hates, no despises non-confrontation, which leaves me feeling warm and happy inside.

I am proud of myself because I set the boundary and enforced it. Woo hoo!! Growth, progress, and score one for the gyrl!

23 November 2006

And this just in

Received ten minutes ago - from MM

MM: hey happy thanksgiving i hope you realize you are a great woman i wish you all the best!!!! Have a good day!

If there has ever been a moment to say WTF, I am employing it now.

Gobble, Gobble

It is glorious to be able to sleep in on a fair Thursday morning.

Thanksgiving is not a holiday I get into. It never has been. Must be missing the Turkey Day gene. I don't care for turkey - stuffing with turkey innards - yuck - mashed potatoes with gravy - gravy with turkey innards - oh the humanity - basically every aspect of Thanksgiving that doesn't need to be tainted with turkey innards was; hence, this gyrl doesn't dig it.

Then there is the boycott, which is in its second year. Last year I decided not to participate in the unnecessary drama any longer. My requests for change were ignored; therefore, I do not show up. It shouldn't have to be that way but it is. Maybe one day, they will wake up - maybe they won't. I am only responsible for myself.

Prior to the Great Breakup Fiasco of 2006, I had so been looking forward to having Thanksgiving with MM and the gyrls. I was thrilled to be embarking on a new phase of life - starting my own family traditions. Shit, now I am a little teary eyed. Well, this is the training ground for Christmas - that was the one I was really looking forward to with MM and the gyrls.

When MM dropped the gyrls off on Monday, they were so happy to see me. Big hugs and happy loud voices were everywhere. We played with the dogs. We made cookies. It was grand. Those gyrls were very, very happy. They did not want to leave my house and their father saw that. We went to dinner afterwards. In the parking lot, the gyrls were holding my hands. Their father saw that. At dinner, the girls wanted me to sit in between them. Their father saw that. I taught them how to use chopsticks - the gyrls laughed and smiled and so did I - their father saw it. When they dropped me off, both gyrls wanted big hugs from me and he saw that too.

While I know MM will never find anyone else who loves those gyrls so much and vice versa, it still makes me sad. I know one day he will regret his decision. Those gyrls will not be instilled with a fierce sense of self and independence and confidence.

Tuesday, MM told me it was wonderful to see me.

Yesterday, MM was IM'ing me all day. He invited me to go with them for Turkey Day. I declined. He told me he can see how much better I am doing. oh well, we're just friends - I am sticking to friends for just awhile longer.

17 November 2006


So what to talk about today?

MM called a couple times last night to talk about latest developments with the case. Me = sympathetic ear. Then he called again this morning as shit seems to blow up in big ways. But I don't feel that excitement upon hearing his voice anymore. That is a good thing.

Went to the gym last night and put in some serious time on the treadmill. As a direct result, my bum is very, very sore today. Contemplating going tonight for a light workout.

The wall paper border is officially gone from both the kitchen and the guest room. Now to commence the painting - oh happy day!

Hopefully I will go out later tonight - hence part of my hesitation on hitting the gym. Painting counts as exercise though, right? Too much to think about on a Friday evening!

16 November 2006

Wine is calling my name

Meme found at Badger's

Explain what ended your last relationship?
My commitment issues/sabotaging; his lack of patience and ex-wife/child custody angst

When was the last time you shaved?
Yesterday afternoon

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Posting my status report as I forgot to do it last night

What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Opening a bottle of wine so it could breathe and make me a happier girl in 20 minutes.

Are you any good at math?
I survived calculus but could I remember any of it today?!

Your prom night, what do you remember about it?
Only went to Junior year prom - my dress - it was simply fabulous!

Do you have any famous ancestors?
The Spanish explorer who first found the Mississippi River

Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Not for undergrad, but did for my grad degree.

Last thing received in the mail?
Newport News Catalogue and Tide sample

How many different beverages have you had today?
Coffee and water. Soon shiraz will be added to the count.

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
Always because I hate when people call me and don't leave a message.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
A Johnny Mathis concert - in Phoenix - His voice put me into a pleasant slumber

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
No - much prefer feeling the sand in between my toes

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
Boring stuff - just wisdom teeth being removed.

What is out your back door?
My patio - the pink concrete I simply adore

Any plans for Friday night?
Going to a party with my one of my dearest, oldest friends and then downtown debauchery to follow!

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
No - does anyone like going from straight controllable hair to Little Orphan Annie afro madness when water is introduced into the equation.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?

Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes in the days of field trips

Do you re-use towels after you shower?
Of course as laundry is not one of my favorite activities

Some things you are excited about?
Acupuncture working, feeling better, getting out and about, my weight loss

What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O?
two words - sugar free

Describe your keychain(s)?
Just a plain jane ring - less is more

Where do you keep your change?
The change compartment of my wallet

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Daily - my job is all about phones, lots of people, and talking

What kind of winter coat do you own?
vintage duster, long cashmere coat, and two faux fur jackets to die for

What was the weather like on your graduation day?
HS - a nice May day, Undergrad - sunny June day, Grad - sunny August day

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Your Life Path Number is 4

Your purpose in life is to build your vision.

You are practical and responsible. You work hard, knowing that there are no shortcuts in life.
You work for a better life for yourself and those you love, but you are not an idealist.
Trustworthy and honest, you also demonstrate great courage. People can count on you.

In love, you are a loyal and committed partner. You are the ideal spouse.

You don't give up easily, and sometimes you can be too stubborn and unwilling to change.
You also can be too conservative at times. You sometime miss out on good opportunities.
Also remember that not everyone can work as hard as you, as disappointing as that is!

15 November 2006

The Sun is peeking out from behind the clouds

I am feeling so over the moon about this acupuncture stuff! Feeling great does not even begin to explain it! I feel so much like my old normal self - it is GRAND! GRAND! GRAND! I will be interested to see how long the effects last. Had I known it would be this spectacular, I'd have signed up to be a human pin cushion a long time ago!

I had to tell Cactus Gyrl and New Mom about my great comeback experience at Kool Ass Grill last night. He hasn't called or emailed though. But the experience was good enough for now.

Of course MM gives me a jingle this morning. I had to fight hard not to tell him about my experience. Some days ignorance is bliss where certain topics are concerned. But MM must have felt the great need to talk because he called several times and the conversations weren't short ones.

I am heading to the gym tonight. Need to work off those few cosmo calories. May even put on a splash of mascara. Just because.

Definitely hitting Kool Ass Grill again before knitting class next week. Am also seeing the helpfulness of getting my own ass out of the house and out of the burbs. I like the thought of stumbling onto other movers and shakers. I want - no - I need to cultivate greener pastures. And the only way that is going to happen is if I get out there and do it myself.

Woo Hoo!!

14 November 2006

Now here's the type of post I like...

This afternoon was acupuncture treatment number 2. I got a few more needles in my ankles. The sensations were entirely different this time. It was very interesting. I was not nearly as tired as after the last treatment.

After my trip down acupuncture land, I headed to Shopping Mecca to kill time between end of acupuncture and beginning of knitting. I did a bit of shopping and then onto Kool Ass Grill for cocktail hour.

I picked up a guy!!! I got asked my name, for my phone number !!! and felt eternally dumb for telling the poor man that I needed to go to knitting class!!! I hope he calls me!

I spoke more than I normally would have and it certainly paid off. He seems to be with it and gainfully employed. I could enjoy one or two dates of pure fun. I think he dug me.

I didn't want to go to knitting class tonight because I was having a good time with Newbie. However, I have waited for class for so long that I decided I had to tell him knitting class was calling. I don't know if he believed me or not - there is the rub.

I'd like to hear from him again. I really would. Keep your fingers crossed!!

13 November 2006

A Special Birthday Greeting

Saturday evening prior to heading out to trivia, I had an unusual experience. An experience I won't share with many people. An experience that many people would not believe.

My main bathroom is not used often. I have a small lamp that sits in the far corner of the counter top. Again, the lamp is rarely turned on. Remember I live alone - that is key.

I brought the clean and folded laundry upstairs to actually keep it in a timely manner. I went out into the hallway to get the second laundry basket and as I came up the stairs, I noticed the bathroom lamp was on.

I kept walking and then it dawned on me - WTF!! The light is on! How? Why? Cautiously I went back to the bathroom and yes, the lamp was on. My heart stopped. Initially, I was worried the spirit of the old Indian lady that lives my office was expanding her territory. But then I thought back on when my great-aunt died earlier this year.

On the morning of my great-aunt's funeral, a light bulb burst with a loud noise when I turned on a light. It was odd and I knew it was my great-aunt. (Yes, I watch a little too much Sylvia Brown and John Edward!)

That was when I realized, that lamp in the bathroom was a sign from my great-aunt. She popped in for my birthday. My great-aunt was very special to me - she was always more my grandmother than an aunt. She was one of the very first people to see me when I was born and she came to visit me for my birthday this year too.

My fear of the unexplained light turned into the warmth of love overflowing. I told her thank you for coming to see me. It is nice to know she is looking out for me. It is also nice to know that I can recognize her sign too.

12 November 2006

Sunday Snow

Last night's trivia was okay. Yes, just okay. My neighbor across the street happened to be there. It made for a pleasant diversion. We came in second place while my neighbor and her buddy came in first.

Afterwards, my neighbor came over for a night cap. I am so not used to staying up late - I slept in this morning and it felt grand.

I went to get my palm read but when it was my scheduled time, the woman was starting a reading on someone else. I decided to screw it and left. I was tired of waiting. It is easier to schedule a private appointment.

It is cold and chilly here today. I feel like curling up on the couch. That sounds like my next project, right after I publish this.

11 November 2006

Revenge of the Wallpaper

Today's mini-project - remove the wallpaper border in the kitchen.

Armed with my mixture of water and fabric softener, I thought it would be a slam dunk. Easier than the easy removal of the family room. So much for those thoughts. It has been an absolute bitch getting it off. I have given up for the evening and so far the wallpaper is winning - damn!

Tomorrow the wallpaper border will be but a memory. I will defeat it. It will be a sneak attack after the gym!

Oh yeah - I was at the gym by 9 am this morning. Why? Because I slept excellently again last night; waking at 6:50 AM bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thank you very much acupuncture!

Another day of no tears. A few times I felt sad but no tears came flowing out of my ocular region. It is such a different state of being and I am liking it.

I am heading to trivia tonight with some friends as part of my birthday celebration. Not quite my idea of birthday fun but it will still be fun. Hopefully I will have a few tales to tell in the morning.

10 November 2006

No More Tears Formula

Tonight I saw Borat. It was great fun. The theatre was empty - maybe ten of us total. Would have been more fun if there had been more people to laugh with me.

The laundry from the past month and a half is done. One of the joys of working from home is the fact that I can get the laundry done during the day.

Today has been odd - absolutely no tears. It feels as if all my tears have simply dried up. Things that I would have normally cried at - absolutely nothing today. My eyes feel dry - I can't quite explain it. After months of tears - poof! - today none. It is odd but I am not complaining.

Tomorrow is birthday lunch down in Cherry Creek. There is also a psychic fair. I may go - there is a palm reader I have wanted to see. I haven't quite made up my mind as to whether to go. I will sleep on it.

I also plan on painting this weekend. Finish up the few rooms I have left. Start hanging things. Further re-arrange furniture. I really want to concentrate on finishing up my projects.

MM did not call today. I sent a text message letting him know I was not ignoring him when he pinged - that I was at the acupuncturist. I felt that I needed to do that.

I am tired. It has been a long week. I am planning on hitting the gym in the morning. Burn off those final pounds. I am in the home stretch and must make it to the finish line.

Long live Wild Turkey American Honey!

My Hero is a Needle

Yesterday I went to my first acupuncture treatment. I was apprehensive - I mean, what can a few little needle piercing my flesh do? Other than hurt and possibly make me bleed a bit.

After a discussion of my problems, I was on my back on the bed table and the acupuncturist commenced to poking me. The fluffy bed and pillows could have been a scrumptious setting for a great sex session.

I only felt one of the needles go in. I felt tingling on my left side - particularly my left ankle and just below my rib cage on the left. I felt a slight headache come on with the three needles sticking out from the top of my head.

Overall, quite surreal. I felt so relaxed and continue to feel as such. I slept wonderfully last night - I have not slept like that in months. I don't feel like crying. In fact, my eyes feel quite dry this morning. The profound sadness I have carried around feels so much lighter. The calmness feels great. Peace.

My second session is Tuesday. To continue this feeling of serenity, I will happily go weekly for awhile. Healing is so amazing.

08 November 2006

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my birthday - 32.

I don't feel that old. 35 always sounded ancient but I am one step closer.

Today has been a weird day. Positive. Negative. Finding myself pulled to both ends of the spectrum at any given moment.

Happy because I cruised around in the Benz wearing a fab dress. Happy when MM gave me the most wonderful hugs in the world, grabbed my bum, told me I looked great.

Then later MM gives me the "friends" routine. I am so sad. Our relationship is truly over. We are no longer stalled - we are done.

Sad because I never pictured myself at this point in my life being here. The aloneness is deafening today.

Happy because right now I am wearing my skinny jeans.

Happy because I have come so far in the past year, so far since my last two birthdays.

Sad due to a broken heart. While it has been broken for awhile, reality has arrived. Time for me to move on.

May this next year only be bigger and brighter than any that have come before!

07 November 2006

Material Gyrl

trying on clothes has always been something i loved to my core. i loved my figure, could wear just about anything. wore things form fitting.

that all changed a few years back. i have never had a weight problem until after i got married. it was more than the fresh-married 15. it was depression, unhappiness, hollowness caused by a marriage that should have never been.

the weight problem got compounded by medication. i became fat. everything i never needed for my self-esteem. clothes were tight, then stopped fitting all together.

since returning from asia last fall, i have been losing the weight. recently, the weight loss has been very slow, but yet life changing. i am close to my old weight - the weight of fitted clothes and feeling like i am gaining my self back.

i have been trying on clothes i have not worn in four years. some fit, some don't. but it is progress and i am finally starting to actually see my new found thinner self.

i always love to dress up special on my birthday and with the big day rapidly approaching, i tried some items on. i found myself reveling in the fact that this time last year, i was no where near fitting into the majority of these things.

my bum is flatter. my legs look like the legs i used to know. seeing that - being able to truly see it - is liberating. it gives me hope that while i am making progress on the physical side, i am making baby steps on the emotional side too.

it has taken a year for the weight to come off, so the emotional healing will take awhile too. thirty-two is around the corner.

i am becoming whole again. my body is about healed, my mind is getting better, and soon my soul will be whole again. i can do this.

06 November 2006


I don't know how to feel.

The pit-of-my-stomach-gnawing has returned. Love. That. Feeling. Ahh, not so much.

Am I stupid? Naive?

Why can't I just walk away? Chalk it up to experience like I always have?

The answer - simple - love.

The belief - the feeling - the knowing - my heart found its home.

Prince Charming - I was so delighted our paths finally crossed.

Just when I think we are on the road to recovery. I get blindsided.

But maybe he doesn't love me any more.

Maybe none of us know what's going on.

Saturday and Sunday all wrapped up into one

Being a tour guide is a tough racket - we were all over the state for two days and I was so exhausted I promptly put myself to bed last night at 10 PM because could. not. keep. eyes. open. any. longer.

We were all over the state - up and down I-25 like the crazy people we are. But I think he had a nice time - at a minimum, he took a million photos.

Wine tasting on Friday night... hmmm. Well, I didn't find the people I was supposed to meet. So started tossing back vino on my own. The theme was South African wines. Overall, quite disappointed. I wouldn't buy any of them. I know better wines come out of SA than the cat piss he was serving. A few glasses into it, I spotted the event organizer but was too damn lazy to go over and join the peeps. I know, I know... that's not what I was supposed to do. But oh well.

Overall, drank way too much on Friday night. Found the Wild Turkey Honey liquor at the new Booze land. The 21-year old neighbor came over for a bit - hence indulging in the Wild Turkey madness. Did some drunken texting - but never received a response. Oh well!

Requirements gather I go! Monday madness continues!!

03 November 2006

Friday Blahs

A lot of time spent on the phone for work today. Somehow the nothing of it all makes one quite tired.

I have been waking up at 5 AM. Next week I start harnessing that by going to the gym! Tah-dah - burn those last five pounds off my bum! I will be hott for Christmas. My body is so close to being able to fit in all my clothes again - clothes, glorious clothes - that fit.

The natives are getting restless around here - feedings on a schedule are not agreeing with the hound girls. I just finished getting an earful from the skinny one who gets first dibbs on the chow.

I have a house guest coming for the weekend. Need to finish up the quick clean. I have our tour route figured out - so that right there was half the battle. Must go clean the shower though, change table linens, and do a quick dust.

Tonight I am heading to a wine tasting. Be friendly, meet new people.

Hopefully there will be good stories to tell from tonight and throughout the weekend as tour guide extraordinaire!

02 November 2006

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Today - second interview day - big day.

Interview went less than thrilling. In fact since I hung up the phone, I am quite depressed. It did not go well. I don't think he liked my answers. I don't feel he liked me nor thought myself capable even though I stated otherwise. At the end, I got myself into the cocky consultant state of mind and ended it with lots of positive, sure of myself and my ability.

But then again, he is an old geezer who thinks he walks on water. My "this is a sure thing" vibe has waned.

With this dreadful interview behind me now, I have to full throw myself into the realm of kicking ass on my current project. Have to start settling into reality more and a little less with my eye on the dream. Don't get me wrong - I will still have an eyeball on the prize, but need to apply myself to the current work at hand because I may be here for awhile longer after all.

Let's hope deliverables save the day!

My bubble burst though. Distorted thinking, negative thoughts - out, out damn spot - out of my head. Today I cried for the first time in a week and a half. But I cannot dwell in this. Need to use the tools my therapist has given me. In the interview, I tried my best. I cannot read the man's mind. I cannot assume what he thinks. This is not the end of the world. I cannot blame myself, I cannot take it personally. I tried - gave it my best shot - and I must be content with that. No more beating myself up. That half hour conversation does not define me or destroy me. Either way, life goes on. And I have to continue on my ride. No more roadblocks or stale red lights. Always moving forward, not dwelling in the past. No longer a prisoner to the negative and distorted.

The life I embrace now - live with no regrets, know I tried and be happy with that. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I cannot worry about it.

Don't worry, be happy!

01 November 2006

November is Here!

Here begins my journey into NaBloPoMo.

The main painting project is complete. My house is officially beige... I live in a beige house... oh the tragedy... the humanity... but I am really loving the colorlessness of it all. I am now officially in my monochromatic house phase. Still have about 2 gallons of paint left, so the lime green & lilac room is next to go!

Next project, determine where to make new and exciting nail holes in my walls to hang all my various junk. Ah, the hammer and nails makes my heart sing!

Of course, the bathroom is still incomplete. Must find motivation for laying tile. Must. Must.

In other items, MM is calling again. I think we are on the road to relationship healing. He invited me over for dinner on Saturday with the girls. It was absolutely marvelous being greeted at the door with excited screams and huge running, leaping hugs. My heart simply sang.

Looks like I will have the girls on Thursday evening, while MM works on closing a deal. I am looking forward to it. I have missed those two little peeps and I know they have missed me too.

On Saturday night, I felt a completeness I haven't felt in a long time. The four of us eating, watching tv, being together - nothing exciting - but an overwhelming sense of knowing, belonging.