27 November 2012

a holiday to see old faithful

Guess who has reappeared?! 

The Southern Gentleman.

A few months ago, he started calling a bit. I ignored the calls as I am very tired of this merry-go-round. A post card here and there. A birthday card that I found insulting but in dumb man world he believed it "witty". The birthday card contained another hint about a trip to Denver to see me. The card also contained many other clues that made it clear that The Southern Gentleman needs his ego bolstered by "Old Faithful" - that's my new name for myself in this situation; only thing is I am done with being Old Faithful. 

Whether it is a geyser or a dog, I am done (and have been for quite some time now) with being the fall-back chick in his world, the girl he can always count on to be there when the chips are down. He no longer gets all the benefits, while he doesn't reciprocate. I go back to this spring when I had the opportunity to work in practically his backyard and he was an utterly indifferent arse about the prospect. 

So when I returned his Thanksgiving Day call on  Friday, The Southern Gentleman eased into end of the year holiday talk. I happily let him flounder for awhile with talk of Vegas and Santa Fe, then I said the words he had been fishing for: you know, you are always welcome here. 

With those words, The Southern Gentleman's pent up ideas and plans came spewing forth at lightening speed. Needless to say, he purchased his ticket early the next morning and immediately forwarded the itinerary. Sunday was a phone call to make sure I received the air itinerary along with talk of what we can do while he is here. 

After listening to one too many episodes of Sex and the City this weekend while painting (that is a whole other story for another day), my dim little light bulb flickered on. The Southern Gentleman and I are Mr. Big and Carrie. The years and years of Big and Carrie's roller coaster relationship sounded acutely familiar. Big can be with whomever he wants but wants to keep Carrie to himself rang through my being as I realized this is us. The only differences are neither of us is as vocal about "our relationship" and we've never had sex. 

The Southern Gentleman has been looming in my universe for 12 years with the last 7 of those years having both of us single at the same time. After years of skirting around "us", I think in my nicest southern way I am finally going to broach the topic because regardless of the outcome Old Faithful needs to get off our merry-go-round ride. 

26 November 2012

when you're having fun


That is the only way I can describe the month of November. Feels like only yesterday it was Halloween and I was anticipating my birthday with great joy... and poof! now the month is virtually over. 

I spent my birthday in Austin surrounded by my wonderful friends. It was truly special. You see, the past three years I haven't celebrated my birthday. Two and three years ago, I was abroad in some exotic land for my birthday. Last year, Lulu was fighting bravely against cancer, so all I wanted was to spend every moment with her, my birthday forgotten because my love for Lulu was so greater. And so to get off the plane and head directly to a group of people who love me for who I am (flaws and all) made my 38th birthday amazing.

I still look at that number, 38, not realizing it is affixed to me now. Knocking on 40's door step. Thinking back to a time when I thought 40 was "old". I certainly don't physically feel old and remind myself regularly that I just ran a half marathon. I look at how much I blossomed in Austin and feel that I am finally comfortable in my skin, so the only was I can go is up! 

I cried a lot around my birthday too. Not for myself but because my dear Lulu left this earth just six days after my birthday last year. My poor darling baby girl. I still miss her so very much. I travel back in time to those roller coaster months and I find myself in awe. If I ever doubted the existence of God, those three months taught me more about the spiritual world than I ever believed possible. 

Now I try to focus on all the wonderful memories of Lulu. To be thankful every day that I had that beautiful little hound girl in my life for over eight years. Remembering the unwavering love we shared. 

While November has moved rapidly, it has been filled with goodness and healing.