31 July 2007

Six Weeks

A good part of my week at home, aside from being riddled with appointments, was spent contemplating. Ever the multi-tasker, my mind was chugging full steam on numerous topics. I found the session notes with my beloved little psychic. Realization - two adults with free will could possibly derail everything she saw.

Enter The Southern Gentleman. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin. He too is someone my beloved little psychic spoke of as well. The Southern Gentleman is calling and emailing on a fairly regular basis. As if to be pursuing me. At least that is what it feels like. In re-telling my history with The Southern Gentleman to my visiting pal, Barb, I realized that he and I have known each other for just over seven years. And here we are seven years later, and he is contacting me more than ever. Is The Southern Gentleman my future? What will his trip out here next month reveal? Are we opening Pandora's Box? Or are we embarking on a bright future together?

Me and you, oh dear Internet, will know the answer in about six weeks. I would be happy to start a life with The Southern Gentleman; he's smart, fun, laughs, drinks, travels, and drop dead gorgeous too. He continually tells me that he is coming out here to see me and not the fun city. In fact, he says that it could rain the whole time and we don't go anywhere, he wouldn't care because he's here to see me. Now that definitely sounds like he is interested in me, don't cha think?!

I have already decided I am going to park the car and be waiting for him to emerge from the airport terminal. This is definitely going to be decidedly different than Harry Goldenblatt's trip out here. I am so excited - I simply cannot wait to see him!

If, or should I say when the sparks fly, I am ready to move to the other side of the country to be with The Southern Gentleman. Long distance sucks and I am ready to plunge doing a perfect swan dive. The hounds will learn what flea collars are but they'll love it because I will be happy. Positive, yummy happiness will be here in six week! I am tingly with excitement!

22 July 2007

The Home Front

It was a busy week. I survived work. Made it home in one piece. Now to rest for ten seconds and start cleaning as out-of-towners arrive tomorrow.

Yeah, last time I truly cleaned the house was about three months ago. No reason to clean if I am only home for ten minutes each month. The dust levels have soared to new heights.

Friday morning Montana Man picked me up at the airport. From there we picked up the dogs, ran errands, had lunch, cleaned the dogs, and engaged in horizontal activities. I just needed it.

Friday night I had a date with the Questionable Italian. We had a good time. It is just in the planning portion that he falls down on the job. In my personal off-the-clock life, I am not into being the lead dog when decision time rolls around. But I am definitely making progress in my new "no more charity work" campaign where men are concerned. I am slowly but surely making my way up the ladder toward "the one."

Yesterday, Montana Man and I went to my favorite market that recently opened up down the road. Me and him - grocery shopping - planning dinners - just like married/together people would do. Which is something we didn't even do when we were dating. To anyone looking at us, I know we appeared like two people in a happy, healthy relationship.

Is it evolution? or nothing? Even though we are both somewhere in our 30's, I know both of us are growing up. But the question lies in, are we growing up together or separately? I feel the answer lies in that we are doing a combination of the two. In many respects, our "non-relationship" best friends thing is a catch-22 but at the same time it is a fairly healthy relationship - if it were a "relationship." We are more of a team now than ever. We are more open and communicate a million times better than we ever did when we were dating. In removing the title, we have flourished in many important facets.

Yesterday, it was nice to doing grocery shopping together. I know he enjoyed it too. We are both conflicted. Neither of us can leave the other. What is it that keeps the bond between us? Karma? Our souls recognizing something that we cannot understand?

A lot of days, I believe what my little psychic saw will eventually come to fruition. She always said she wasn't good with time. Or then again, may be not. But so far, she's never been wrong.

Which ever way the cookie crumbles, it'll be okay 'cause that's how I roll.

18 July 2007

Random Run-in

Found out that the older woman in the wheelchair that I met at the B-Scene event in June was no other than Lady Bird Johnson's best friend. Who knew?!

14 July 2007

Lady Bird and Me

Austin truly has this magical charm about it. I have had adventure while working for money and emotional health. There has definitely not be a lack of wonderful events which have left an indelible impression on my soul.

Last night I got to participate in a once in a lifetime event. The UT clock tower was aglow in orange light. Unbeknown to me, the tower is rarely lit in the home town color. Last night the clock tower was ablaze in remembrance for Lady Bird Johnson.

After enjoying the UT Moonlight Prowl, I proceeded to the Lyndon B. Johnson Library to say hi to this dear town's Lady Bird. Even though it was late at night, the news vans were present in full force and there were many Austinites milling around. Made my way through the library and up the stairs where Lady Bird lay. The casket was closed and covered in a beautiful thick brocade blanket. The blanket consisted of an intricate design - very colorful, and everything was outlined in a thin gold thread.

I got to see a First Lady as she lay resting. What struck me most last night was that Texas is so steeped with presidential history and I have been surrounded by it, reminded of when out here. Last summer, every night I left the office, I drove past the DFW book depository and the exact spot where President Kennedy was assassinated. Now I was in the presence of the next phase of American history after President Kennedy died there in the LBJ Presidential Library.

Last night on my way home, I began to reflect on my life and just how extremely fortunate I am. I was a witness at President Clinton's first inauguration. I have been around the world - figuratively and literally. I have a job, house, and closet full of clothes and shoes. I am making my peace with the past transgressions and with each day am closer to being healed.

Now I can add to the list that I spent a little time with a former First Lady before she headed West.

06 July 2007

Night from Hell

Last night.

I have never been more afraid, terrified. Felt so incredibly powerless. With only a mobile phone to be there. To try to stop the worst possible thing in the world.

I cried. I was authoritative. Played the Sargent. Utilized guilt. Personalized it. The bully. The tree hugging free lover. Yes, I wore many hats. Damn, I tried on any and every hat I could get my hands on.

I could not sleep. He would not pick up the phone. I prayed that he passed out as opposed to the alternative. I lived in terror, utter sheer fear. As if to be so much more worse than jail day. Why? Because I am 768 miles away. Powerless. I felt I was half a world away because I could not get there, no matter how much I wanted to.

I laid awake most of the night wondering. Wondering if he was still with me. Wondering if I should call the police. Wondering how I would live with myself if he indeed checked out. Wondering how we got here. Wondering why we are here. at. this. juncture. Wondering. Wondering. Wondering.

He called at 7:30 this morning. Just as I was contemplating calling. Half wanting to know, half not. He is still here. We talked about a plan.

My words last night - this is a joint decision - we are a team - always have been - always will be - just give me a few more days.

I know. I understand all too well. Because I have been there. Peering over the edge. Wanting the pain, the excruciating pain to be gone. forever. The words were so vibrant, showed a plan - as if to be premeditated. But he is still here.

My little psychic (now on the other side) saw me, him, and three children on two separate visits. I did not want that future to be gone last night. Because his daughters are my daughters. And we still have to make our family complete.

But after last night, I wonder if things have changed too much since my little psychic saw this last year and several years before that. Maybe this is just the rocky road we must travel to achieve our nirvana. Or this is road I must learn from and exit in order to find myself on the road meant for my happiness.

Only time will tell.

03 July 2007

The Future... it's anyone's guess now

My beloved psychic passed away. I tried calling for an appointment. The phone had been disconnected. When I saw her last year, somehow I knew that was my last reading, my last time seeing the woman who saw so much. Letting my fingers do some walking, I found her obituary complete with her photo.

She was such a gifted, honest psychic using her incredible powers to help other. She told me things, things I would not understand for years. But after enough time passed, everything she said made perfect sense.

It is funny because in my early readings, I always thought she was speaking of my situation in the "now" (that was "then"). Time passed, life happened, I listened to my tapes years later only to begin to comprehend that she saw into deeper into the future that I realized. During my first reading, she spoke my leaving a relationship, a marriage. At the time, I thought it was my relationship at the time - a med student I was walking away from. What she was seeing was me walking away from my marriage six years later, talking about it ending before I even met my ex-Leech.

My last reading that took place last spring was all about Montana Man. Every single second was about him. She told me she was 99% sure I met the man I was supposed to spend my life with. She saw me up at the ranch (I'd not visited yet but she saw my visit up there too) with three children. She saw the log cabin surrounded by trees and me there with three children years before too. The man was a Libra or a lawyer. You can guess - Montana Man is a Libra and he has two children. I am to assume the third child is one we are to have together. She described the Montana property to a "t", so much so that when I laid eyes on it last year, I felt some level of deja vu.

But so much has happened. So much has changed since April 2006. Life is not on the same track as when I saw her last. I wanted to see her to know whether my choices made via free will had changed the landscape. Or is it just that once again, she was seeing things many years down the road.... maybe in five years that too will make perfect sense. Now I will never know until the time comes to pass. No more sneak peeks at coming attractions because my beloved psychic is now resting peaceful.

01 July 2007


This is where I am supposed to be. Right here. Right now. Deep within me I know without a doubt - this is the place. Intrinsically. Unwavering. Without a doubt. Here. Now.

Again and again, I am confronted with signs that confirm my deep unquestioning knowledge. I have made friends - true genuine friends. However in the more subtle ways, the signs are there too. I started working through my book again. Then yesterday after the movie, the girls wanted to watch The Secret. Since I had heard it had been on Oprah and there are discussion groups, I agreed to see it to find out what the hoopla was all about. Funny thing is that it is similar to my book due to the laws of attraction. I felt the timing, the content proves once again I am where I am supposed to be.

This winter I read a book about how we chart out our lives before we are born. We pick our family, the high level good and bad things we must endure to server our purpose. But along the way we leave ourselves guideposts of sorts to let us ourselves know that we are on track. And I feel that I see the guidepost that I am on track in every moment of my very presence in SXSW land.

Not only do I see the guideposts in the events that have occurred out here, but I feel it deep within my being - in the fullness and warmth of my heart. I feel myself changing, evolving - as a true scorpio does - evolving toward my next level.

I am so thrilled to feel this elevation occurring within me. I have been so low and stagnant for quite a few years. It is wonderful beyond words to feel like me again - the true me who has been asleep, resting for the past five years. She is reemerging onto the scene better than before. For that alone, I couldn't be happier.