29 August 2006
At what point do you send up the white flag?
It is a little different when you're married, you know that you have to work a little harder, the stakes are higher. But at the same time, when you are with someone with who you totally jive, don't you try just as hard as the married girl?
The man who called a million times a day (just a mild exaggeration) has now reduced his calling frequency to maybe once a day.
Of late, MM has been stating that he calls me all the time but I never call him. Any connection between the two?
Right now, I feel I have started rationalizing all this. The "He's Not That Into You" people would be yelling at me to head for the door.
I learned a long time ago that once the relationship's essence has been broken, there is no going back to the way things were. Maybe after the jail debacle, I should have never allowed this relationship to be rekindled. However, I don't like to see people in pain, to suffer alone. I could never have left him at his hour of need - I simply could not.
Maybe my feelings are wrong. Maybe my heart has not found it's home with MM. Maybe I have kissed yet another frog on this journey.
so i did not see or really hear from MM all weekend.
the scorpio in me takes over and decides i am going to solve my end of the problem. i work through all my feelings on microsoft word. at the end, four pages, which i deliver to MM.
afterwards we talked about it. tired is his new word. tired can go so many ways. i am wondering if we both aren't merely tired? tired of all the shit that clutters our path and makes the journey a struggle. i am tired on many, many fronts. why shouldn't he be too?
so maybe we aren't over after all. maybe all that is necessary is a little time to clear the clutter out of the way. to make the path a easier to tread. at least for awhile.
this morning, i awoke in his bed quite doubtful of our future together. but right now, i am not feeling bad any more. the light bulb flickered on!
if it is meant to be, it will happen. we will find our way.
our paths will never be clod free. but we must learn how to work together and how to work apart.
23 August 2006
- Intense shyness
- Fear of feeling vulnerable
- Being too independent
- Giving too much of myself to others
- Stigma attached to being Puerto Rican
- Not being taken seriously because pretty and smart together are not respected
My Physical Appearance
- Fat thighs
- Big ass
- Tummy flab
- Stress acne
- Gray hairs that are starting to join the scene
- Big nose
- Not being able to lose the last ten pounds
- Feeling ugly
Funny that the list I completed first and likewise was the easiest to complete was the physical appearance. While I am always told that I am pretty, I have never seen it. I focus on all my faults and I know that is self-defeating. I want to be better, I want to be more. I have fought my whole life so that I did not end up like my mother, but I feel that it is happening. The events leading up to the divorce caused to me gain weight and the anti-depressants pushed the scale ever upward. While I may look fine to the rest of the world, I feel like a fat pig. I have a closet full of clothes that are a little to tight.
I am tired. I did not sleep well last night. Thinking about the fat is further depressing me, so I am signing off.
22 August 2006
2. What color socks are you wearing right now? barefoot
3. What are you listening to right now? Days of Our Lives
4. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes, and it is my preference too
5. What was the last thing you ate? Grilled chicken breast
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be right now? Red
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Mother
8. Do you like the person that sent this to you? Of course!!
9. How old are you today? 31
10. Favorite drink? Vodka and tonic
11. Have you ever stepped on a nail? No
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes
13. Pets? Hound dogs
14. See #35
15. Favorite food? Sushi
16. What was the last movie you watched? De-lovely
17. Favorite day of the year? Crisp fall days
18. What do you do to vent your anger? Call a buddy
19. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbie
20. What is your favorite: Fall or Spring? Fall, definitely fall
21. Hugs or Kisses? Passionate kisses
22. Cherries or Bluberries? Blueberries
23. Do you want your friends to e-mail back to you? Definitely
24. Who is the most likely to respond? Kristine
25. Who is least likely to respond? Heather
26. Living arrangements? Me and the hound girls - happy and healthy
27. When was the last time you cried? Sunday - those silly hormones
28. What is on the floor of your closet? My summer sandal collection
29. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to: Monique
30. What did you do last night? Had dinner with my buddy who is here from Phoenix
31. What inspires you? Endless possibilities. Growth. Desire to make the most out of each day
32. Favorite smells? Ocean; fall leaves
33. What are you afraid of? Being alone
34. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? The spicier the better
35. This question fell into that deep dark hole in cyberspace....................
36. Favorite dog breed? greyhounds have my heart
37. Number of keys on your key ring? 6
38. How many years at current job? 10
39. See #35
40. How many states have you lived in? 5, Colorado, California, Texas, North Carolina, Iowa
41. Favorite holiday? Halloween
42. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy equipment? Does being a passenger on a motorcycle count?
43. Who is your favorite NFL team? No NFL is the best
44. Do you have a house phone that is not cordless? nope
45. 10 inches of snow or 100 degree weather? 100 degree weather any day!
16 August 2006
My life is filled with the ho-hum of blahness. Think it has a lot do to with being extremely burnt out. I am tired of being responsible for everything (including things I cannot/do not control) and having zero authority.
Have zero motivation to go to the gym. However, luckily I have not been hungry the past few days. Of course, the fat does not magically disappear off my ass.
I need to get out of the house more. But without a traditional office to find camaraderie in, it is not easy. Past friends have gone other ways - they are on the mommy track, I am not. No one to call up and say "meet me for a drinkie-poo." They have other things that take precedence - kids needing to be cared for and fed.
My few really good friends live out of state. Again, they are great friends but not physically here equals no after work debauchery.
So where do I go? What do I do? I am in desperate need of a social life!! It does not help that I am not an extrovert. I just cannot go out and randomly speak to people - I try but it is just not me.
I feel like I am in a weird place in my life because I did not chose a "traditional" path. Here I am at 32's doorstep, unmarried, no children, successful and still haven't found others like me. There has to be one or two kindred spirits out there. But. Must. Leave. House. To. Find. Friends.
Easier said than done.
15 August 2006
Regardless of how you personally feel about him, he does not want anything to do with you. As far as he is concerned, you are the enemy. He does not care that you did anything for him. All you do is hurt me when you defend him and feel sorry for him.
While you knew things were bad on my Street, life was a nightmare for a long time. You did not have to live with him. You do not understand how he used to treat me. If you lived through it by my side, I do not think you would share glowing memories.
What he did has a name and it is emotional/mental abuse, which is the same as if he would have physically abused me. He beat me up with words. You witnessed the drastic change in me. I was driven to alcohol to dull the constant unbearable pain I was in. I took antidepressants for over a year to cope with that same pain. How can you continually say you feel sorry for the Leech when he is same man who drove me over the edge and would have let me die? When I needed him most, he left me and sat on the couch feeling sorry for himself. You saw that with your own eyes, Mom. I will never forgive him for that and you should be furious too. That was a defining moment that I feel is conveniently overlooked.
The way he treated me when we were married was less than good. You should see that. Am I the same person I was before I met him? No - and that is because he broke my spirit by the emotional abuse he inflicted on me. No, I am not a victim. I accept full responsibility for what I allowed him to do to me. But I will no longer stand by and let you feel sorry for him. He made his choices, he performed his actions, and he does not deserve to be canonized simply because he took you on a few trips.
In light of all the women in our family who have chosen to stay in bad relationships, I would prefer your support of me, the fact that I was brave enough to show him the door, I have successfully made it on my own, moved on, and am finding my way back to my true self, the person I was before all this emotional upheaval occurred.
xoxo - wanderlust gyrl
14 August 2006
Things with Montana Man have been swimming along quite nicely for about a month and a half now with minimal screw-ups from both of us. He is buying a house. Good for him. With his history, this is a proud moment for him. After years and years of certain people telling him that he could never buy a home, MM is doing it in big style and I am proud of him too.
So I should be happy, right? First of all, I am a little jealous. It is a beautiful home, bigger than mine, newer, cool neighborhood. Second, MM wants to live with me. He wants it to be "our" house. I should be giddy and thrilled! Note the key word - SHOULD.
We have been together for seven months and lived through more in that time than I could ever imagine - both good and bad - and we have made it through; however, cautious little me says seven months - not so long. Of course, I learned being married the first time that you don't really know someone. After being with the Leech for two years, he still turned Mr. Hyde after "I Do."
With the Leech experience under my belt, I realize I can never know a person. That kind of knowledge can only come with time, lots of time and even then a human being is too complex. After all, I freely admit I bounce all over the spectrum in a five minute span.
So, I feel that living together will help me to know if MM and I have the potential to run the marathon. I truly believe if the Leech and I lived together, I would have never married him.
Of course, I will make sure everything is kosher legally - what's mine is mine and it will stay that way. I will not allow myself to be vulnerable where money is concerned. I am not worried about that piece of the puzzle.
The other thing I am dreading in this decision is telling my parents. I know, I am a big girl. Been on my own for awhile. Bought the roof over my head completely on my own. Self-sufficient. It is my life. No regrets. Independent. 32nd birthday is looming on the horizon. Can make my own decisions. Yes, I completely understand that. BUT I grew up with the mother that drilled into my little brain that living with a man was PURE EVIL. Everyone who shacked up was BAD. My father never said those words but I know he was on the same page as my mother. In fact, it is what my father DOES NOT say that makes his stance clear.
The Fall Out. I know there is going to be fall out when I drop this bomb. Dread. Both mom and dad have eluded the impending bomb and the tone is NEGATIVE.
Fact. This is going to be an ugly chapter in our family story. I know it. But I have to try and they need to be respect my decision - right or wrong.
I am taking the leap. A leap. A jump. And no matter what happens, I will land firmly on my two feet. I will stick the landing. I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar.
09 August 2006
October 23 - November 21
There may be several challenges in your daily routine, dear Scorpio, indicating an area of your life that requires major overhaul. Think about the greater collective and how your work contributes to it. Remember that change is an important part of life - one must clear away the old to make room for the new. The energy of the day is strong but erratic. Your emotions may be put to the test. Work to get your life on track.