28 November 2011

week two

I mourn for my little girl. I mourn for my Lulu each and every day.

Today, Monday marks two weeks at shortly before 6 PM that my little girl left me.

It is not getting easier.

Sundays and Mondays are the worst because I can put time stamps on the day. Markers of our last moments together, decisions made, savoring the precious fleeting time.

Lulu's dog beds have quickly lost her scent. My heart aches to breath her in again, a small comfort of memory. I cannot shake the ingrained alert I have for Lulu's every movement. She had me so very well trained. The tidal waves of devastation continue to beat against me. 

I miss my baby girl. I am lost.

22 November 2011


Somehow I have survived a week without my little girl.

Floods of tears. Despair. Loneliness. Emptiness.

Those same feelings have been countered by gratitude for having such a precious angel in my life, realizations that she was my joy, resolute knowing everything happened as it should.

Right now there is an owl outside my kitchen door. His hooting is distracting me. He is being constant in his hoot, hoot, hoot. I have lived here almost three years and I have never heard an owl. Why is he here now? What is his message? His persistent hooting means I need to listen. I wonder if tonight's dreams will reveal anything?

Yesterday was quite difficult as the clock marked the milestones of the previous Monday. Lulu's last Monday. Lulu's last day. While at home before and after work, I could smell Lulu around me. I was so surprised to notice the thickness of Lulu in air around me. I've never experienced anything quite like it.

So, Mr. Owl, what are you telling me tonight?

17 November 2011

three days

Mourning and grief are strange bedfellows.

I never know when an extreme crying jag will strike. Awaiting what minute every day detail that once only resided in the background will spark a memory: cue the water works.

Today as I crawled onto Lulu's day bed, I finally noticed the bed was filled with her scent. I laid there with my body curled in a ball but my nose was firmed planted in Lu's blanket, drinking her in.

Yes, I am that woman. And I don't care. I never thought it would be this difficult. The emptiness is more than I can bear. Over the past three months, I realized Lulu is my entire world. She was 18 months old when she ran into my life. Taking care of my Lulu every day for 8 1/2 years is something I cannot turn off.

Each day will continue to bear remembrances of my sweet Lulu Bean. Some memories will bring a smile to my face, while others will be sad reminders of the vast void in my existence. For once, I don't mind being in limbo.

15 November 2011

my amazing grace, otherwise known as lulu

On Tuesday August 23, my little Lulu broke her leg shortly after 7 PM.

Tonight, a Tuesday exactly twelve weeks later, I sit in an empty house.

No rustling of the noisy dog collar so I'd know her location. No long nose tapping on the handle of the back door to be let outside. No sounds of greyhound nails tapping on the cement floors. No blue brindle voyeur keeping tabs on me while I am in the bathroom. 

As of shortly before 6 PM last night, Monday November 14, I said good bye to my dear sweet Lulu.

I cannot believe that 24 hours have passed since I last kissed her, told her I loved her, felt her fur underneath my palms, looked in her eyes to thank her for all the love she gives me. Sadly, this the first of many hours that I will have to learn to live without my girl.

Lulu, you were so courageous, so brave, strong and full of love. Momma loves you so very much.

13 November 2011

anything but an amusement park

I am not going to lie. These days life around here is hard. The ups and downs are extreme. Trying to stay strong for Lulu is damn hard. Some days are easier than others. Some days I have to leave for a short while to drive so I can cry in the car.

Lulu responded so well to Monday's chemo. But last night, she whimpered in pain, so I gave her an additional pain pill.

I simply keep trying to spoil her and love her as much as I can. Clinging to every moment. Savoring each minute detail of her fur, her body, her eyes. Drinking in every moment. It is so much harder than I ever imagined. I love Lulu too much.

05 November 2011

learning to live in the now

It's been awhile since our last Lulu update.

Ms. Lulu and I have been getting into our groove. She has been doing good,alert, playing again, trying to run... I say trying because Lulu would run but I am still making her take it slow. I think "slow" is her most dreaded word now.

Monday we had our internal medicine vet checkup. Everything, in terms of the surgeries is looking good. Awhile back, I had noticed a lump on the left side of Lulu's chest on her lower rib. Recently, the lump has grown. Already knowing the answer deep in my heart, I asked the internal med vet to look at it. Chest x-rays were taken and sent off to the radiologist and pathologist for further review.

Tuesday afternoon, the internal medicine vet called with the dreaded news. My sweet, strong baby girl has bone cancer.

All the vets originally suspected bone cancer as the cause of the break, but was dismissed during surgery. According to the internal med vet, this hateful disease most likely had spread from her leg prior to the break. Due to all Lulu has been through and knowing it has already spread, surgery is not an option.

Sadly in the wee hours of Thursday morning, Lulu already started experiencing pain. This is way too fast. Just two days before, she was trotting and playing. Thursday was really bad in terms of both grave realizations and seeing her affected. Luckily Lulu has the best general vet and he immediately put her on a pain management cocktail that is working wonders. Lulu's eyes are bright again and she took me on a long walk yesterday.

On Monday, Lulu has her doggie chemo. We can't eradicate the disease, but we can slow the growth and most importantly keep our girl out of pain so we can make the most of her remaining days.

I wish I had different news to share with you. Over here at Stepford, our focus is remaining steadfast on an abundance of love and making the most out of everyday. Lulu is the bravest and strongest little hound.