29 May 2006

Obviously an amicable divorce - not so much. Happy to be free? Yes. Definitely YES!

WanderG says: Hi Leech
Leech says: hey
WanderG says: Got the day off?
Leech says: no
WanderG says: at least it will be quiet for you today, shouldn't it
Leech says: busy as shit
WanderG says: could you please send $100 a month for the car loan
Leech says: I new you wanted something..ill do my best
WanderG says: The loan is part of the divorce decree. I really don't want to go to court for it.
WanderG says: I am paying it right now and I barely make it every month as it is
Leech says: so was my shit you bitch
WanderG says: why are you being so mean? what are you talking about
Leech says: oh ya i forgot..you do know wrong
WanderG says: what??
Leech says: anyway all do my bst..ill be in touch
Leech says: go fuck yourself

WanderG says: please do - - my mom still sticks up for you
WanderG says: I dont understand why you are being so hateful
Leech says: your a self centered un caring bitch
WanderG says: you know that is anything but the truth
says: olny you think that
WanderG says: I dont understand your hate. But I hope you can work through it
WanderG says: life is too short to be full of such hatred. our marriage didnt work but that is no reason be like this
Leech says: you will never get it
WanderG says: neither will you then
Leech says: you only care about you
WanderG says: and I could say the same about you, but I dont
WanderG says: If I dont care about myself these days Leech, no one else will
Leech says: ill send ya some money soon
Leech says: you treat everyone in your life like shit

WanderG says: how do you know. you havent been with me or seen me in a long time
Leech says: some things never change
WanderG says: yes, some things never do
Leech says: your incapable of caring about others
WanderG says: I hope you have a good day at work.
Leech says: anyway..enjoy you day
Leech says: Correction ill start sending the money to your mom. I get paid in a few weeks. Ill send her what I can. I shouldn't take out on her because of her daughters actions
Leech says: see ya

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So do you think The Leech is a little bitter? A little off base? A lot off base?

His words today really hurt. How can he even say I am an uncaring, self-centered bitch? Neither of us was blame-free in this but at the same time, I gave and gave and gave some more even when there was nothing left for me.

The definition of uncaring was the February day when I tried to end it all. He came home, looked at me, then went downstairs, sat on the couch. I could have died that day and he was unfazed. What happened to the "for better or worse" part? That was THE WORST and he left me. He left me to die.

THAT was the defining moment. Instead of caring, fighting for me, doing a damn thing - he simply left. Had it not been for my mother, who knows what would have happened.

THAT was the turning point. When I needed him the most - he walked away.

His lack of action spoke - yelled - screamed volumes. Shook me to my very core.

My silent pleas ignored for months while I did everything for him.

My gigantic plea ignored just the same.

Then he has the balls to tell me those things above.

We were both here. We both know the truth. Funny how only one of us can acknowledge it.

28 May 2006

One Comment Can Change Your Outlook

MM made a innocent comment about two months ago - you know, you could have had the girls.

He had spoken to a woman in Boise who was about my age and had children the same age as his. Neither of us thought much of it at the time. However, at some point the next day, I began to think about it.

It all started with me doing the math. Horse Gyrl was born in 1998. I was 23 years old then. I was in my second to last quarter of my graduate degree. I was drinking, bar hopping, working. Not a care in the world other than doing well in school and work and finishing my MBA. Furthest thing from my mind was a boyfriend - let alone husband or children.

When Gyrlie Gyrl was born, I was 25 years old. I was working, making good $$$. I was still traveling as a consultant and was in Charlotte at the time. Again, boyfriends sporadic - they much didn't like my being gone every week. But I placed importance on success - work success - the money I could spend on clothing, vacations.

Now, fast forward to where I am now. What do I have? A good job, a house - a starter home for me - but what is a dream for the average person. Other than that my life is fairly empty. I have learned that money truly cannot buy you happiness; because heaven knows I have tried.

I found the meaning of work-life balance too late. But better late than never. I have very friends left because they are all on the mommy-track; while I am left to fend on my own. My friends' husbands do not trust me because I am too independent and the husbands feel threatened by me. So I see little of my girlfriends. At 31 years old, there are more potential friends out there with children than without in my experience - hence finding new gal pals is difficult. Especially since I am no extrovert.

When I should have made my personal life a priority, I worked for The Man.

I look at Horse Gyrl and Girlie Gyrl and realize that I will not have children. The time for that has come and passed. It makes me very sad. I have turned into LFPR's evil sissy-uglers - the very women I despise. I am alone - with only my hound girls and my bank account.

Whenever anyone asks about MM and learns that he has little girls, it never fails that the questioner states "how lucky those little girls are to have you."

Sure 31 isn't too old to have children these days. But when you do the math, you realize I totally missed the boat. I meet someone now, we date a few years before getting married, so I am 34. Then get married and am married 2 - 3 years, which brings us up to 37. And that is in a perfect world. And we all know my world is anything BUT perfect.

While I have had countless memorable life experiences, I still feel the void. I see the void clearly now because of MM's girls.

And that is what MM's innocent observation made me realize.


Today is the third Sundays since the big blow up with Montana Man. And quite frankly just when I think I made peace with it all, I find myself getting teary eyed again.

What is going on MM?? I feel like I have gotten part of the story but I feel like I am missing a big piece, a crucial piece.

It hurts because I believed you even though I fought against believing you or any man for a long time. I gave you my heart and my soul. I happily handed the two most precious parts of me over to you for care.

From the first time we met, I knew you were different - a good different - my kind of different. The more time we spent together, the more this feeling grew. This feeling had a name. Love. Then I met the girls. Your girls, who felt weirdly enough like my girls too. This too has only continued to grow.

Seeing the girls yesterday was heavenly just as much as it was difficult. I have missed those two so much. They have become a part of my life. The gigantic high flying hugs - delighting but breaking my heart at the same time.

What are we doing? I don't think either of us knows. We were rushing forward awfully fast but now that we have slowed down, it feels different - but I know what kind of different.

I have discovered that I love you too much. Honestly, I didn't even feel like this with my ex-husband, the Leech.

But I understand your need for financial independence. I don't want another Leech and I know that you need to prove to yourself that you can provide. I remember how scared I was when the Leech moved out - scared that I wouldn't be able to make the mortgage payment, have enough to cover the bills, let alone have a life. The Leech moved out Feb 2005. Since that time, I have found the strength - on all fronts - to make it. And to make it well. It hasn't always been easy but I have done it. It makes me even more proud to know that I did it on my own - without any financial help from my parents. I know and have proved to myself that I can make it because I have. You, MM have not had that opportunity yet to learn and grow. And you need it. It is crucial - for all of us.

I also remember my non-stop traveling for work days. I know you are exhausted. I try to be understanding. When I did the weekly grind, I was 25 and had zero responsibilities and even then I grew tired. You are gone weekly and have two children to worry about. I also feel that you are finally realizing this company is less that what was promised... job worries are not good.

I find myself wondering if I am being too understanding, too sympathetic and right down gullible. Giving you, MM too much benefit of doubt.

Trust me, I have kissed a lot of frogs. A damn lot of frogs. Dating doesn't get any easier with age. While age does help to identify the losers more quickly, age does not mend broken hearts faster. I worry breaking things off now will leave me with regret - what could have been - what might have been. I am afraid of giving up too quickly.

We have walked down the same road - parallel to each other. I like to think that was so we would be ready for each other - ready to be who were are with who were are meant to be with. We share an understanding on so many facets of life. Feelings I cannot describe, do justice to. You have conveyed the same.

What are we doing? Where are we going?

I hope there isn't a broken heart at the end of it all - mine.

17 May 2006

Life as a Soap...

Right now, I am identifying a lot with good old Sami Brady on Days of Our Lives.

So shit hit the fan on Sunday night. MM declared he needed space; therefore, I declared the great need to cry. CRY! IN! PUBLIC!

I heard the immortal words - It's not you, it's me.

I discovered that I cared a lot more for MM that I ever realized because I was/am very - okay, extremely upset at the thought of MM being gone. Of him and the kiddos not being a part of my life.

WTF! Why is happiness always fleeting moment in my life? I am so damn tired of being relationship inept. I am tired of giving my all and getting slapped in the face. I am tired of the hurt, the pain, of always picking up the pieces and repairing my broken heart. It is getting so old!

MM was the male form of me. We were on the same wavelength. We clicked.

I always knew that the kids would make things a little more complicated. But I opened my heart and gave it completely, unconditionally to those children.

And now, I am left with nothing but my heart in pieces.

Now, my mum is totally on MM's side. Her Monday AM mantra was "I still haven't heard where he said he was dumping you." "Give the man the space he is asking for." And she is right - he never said he was dumping my sorry ass; but still, it made me very sad.

It hurt because I thought I finally met "him".

Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - in my life, I have had to fight for. I am tired of the constant fight. Work, home, life, love, myself. Will I ever experience peace? calmness? or am I supposed to spend my time here fighting for absolutely everything?

So in giving MM his space, there is also a fine line for me to walk too. Being too available? Waiting around? This part sucks.

But at the same time, he could use this time to become a better person - not only for himself and his children, but for me too. There's mum's wisdom again!

11 May 2006

Absolutely Fabulous!

Why am I jumping out of my skin today? Riddled with excitement and anticipation?

Tonight is the Sephora Opening Party!!

Don't quite understand why I am so damn excited? But I AM! Sephora is here! And my bum will be one of the first to lay eyes on all the beauty and glory that IS SEPHORA!

Yes, my life is obviously so dull that this Sephora thing a HUGE deal!

Here's hoping there are a few good cocktails, lots of samples, and I don't spend tooo much $$$.

Welcome to the neighborhood, Sephora!!

07 May 2006

Just when I think everything is ducky....

Everything gets weird again and I don't know what to think, to feel. Montana Man (MM) has me thoroughly confused these days. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride - only catch is I cannot see anything in front of me so I can be ready for the next up or next down.

A few weeks ago my severe commitment phobia kicked in and I thought I royally f*cked everything up between me and MM. However, we seemed to weather it pretty good - - actually really good. We talked through tons of stuff and truly had a meeting of the minds.

MM flew in early on Thursday to surprise me. It was a fantastic surprise to be heading to his gate when he snuck up behind me.

Until Friday night, when things got wacky again. I am beginning to think either there are planets in retrograde or I am just simply not qualified to have a relationship.

Achieving balance has been so difficult lately. I have only traveled a little bit and MM is on the road every week. I give him the benefit of the doubt - the poor man is simply exhausted. Between the demands of work, his kids, and me, he's got his hands full with a lot of crazy estrogen.

We have these great talks about building a future together. Moving in together, but then a few days later it feels as we are at the other end of that conversation. I begin to question his feelings, my feelings, as well as my thinking. Not good. That is what gets me - when I am left alone with my overthinking brain.

Why must this all be so crazy?! I am tired of always having to fight for everything in my life - and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING - on all fronts - work, home, every aspect of life.

Will I ever enter a calm, serene way of life? I have proved over and over and over again that I AM A FIGHTER. A SURVIVOR. So when can I stop fighting and enjoy life just for once. Even the palm reader knew my life is filled with struggle. It was right there in my bloody hands! You want nice vertical lines on your fingers - - well my lovely little fingers have vertical lines with LOTS of little horizontal lines - - CUTS -- WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING. And NOT just on one or two fingers BUT ALL DAMN TEN!!

So not good. I am tired of struggle - - 31 years of struggle is quite enough for me. I am ready for a little bliss - - the pure sweet joy of true bliss.