28 May 2006


Today is the third Sundays since the big blow up with Montana Man. And quite frankly just when I think I made peace with it all, I find myself getting teary eyed again.

What is going on MM?? I feel like I have gotten part of the story but I feel like I am missing a big piece, a crucial piece.

It hurts because I believed you even though I fought against believing you or any man for a long time. I gave you my heart and my soul. I happily handed the two most precious parts of me over to you for care.

From the first time we met, I knew you were different - a good different - my kind of different. The more time we spent together, the more this feeling grew. This feeling had a name. Love. Then I met the girls. Your girls, who felt weirdly enough like my girls too. This too has only continued to grow.

Seeing the girls yesterday was heavenly just as much as it was difficult. I have missed those two so much. They have become a part of my life. The gigantic high flying hugs - delighting but breaking my heart at the same time.

What are we doing? I don't think either of us knows. We were rushing forward awfully fast but now that we have slowed down, it feels different - but I know what kind of different.

I have discovered that I love you too much. Honestly, I didn't even feel like this with my ex-husband, the Leech.

But I understand your need for financial independence. I don't want another Leech and I know that you need to prove to yourself that you can provide. I remember how scared I was when the Leech moved out - scared that I wouldn't be able to make the mortgage payment, have enough to cover the bills, let alone have a life. The Leech moved out Feb 2005. Since that time, I have found the strength - on all fronts - to make it. And to make it well. It hasn't always been easy but I have done it. It makes me even more proud to know that I did it on my own - without any financial help from my parents. I know and have proved to myself that I can make it because I have. You, MM have not had that opportunity yet to learn and grow. And you need it. It is crucial - for all of us.

I also remember my non-stop traveling for work days. I know you are exhausted. I try to be understanding. When I did the weekly grind, I was 25 and had zero responsibilities and even then I grew tired. You are gone weekly and have two children to worry about. I also feel that you are finally realizing this company is less that what was promised... job worries are not good.

I find myself wondering if I am being too understanding, too sympathetic and right down gullible. Giving you, MM too much benefit of doubt.

Trust me, I have kissed a lot of frogs. A damn lot of frogs. Dating doesn't get any easier with age. While age does help to identify the losers more quickly, age does not mend broken hearts faster. I worry breaking things off now will leave me with regret - what could have been - what might have been. I am afraid of giving up too quickly.

We have walked down the same road - parallel to each other. I like to think that was so we would be ready for each other - ready to be who were are with who were are meant to be with. We share an understanding on so many facets of life. Feelings I cannot describe, do justice to. You have conveyed the same.

What are we doing? Where are we going?

I hope there isn't a broken heart at the end of it all - mine.

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