17 May 2006

Life as a Soap...

Right now, I am identifying a lot with good old Sami Brady on Days of Our Lives.

So shit hit the fan on Sunday night. MM declared he needed space; therefore, I declared the great need to cry. CRY! IN! PUBLIC!

I heard the immortal words - It's not you, it's me.

I discovered that I cared a lot more for MM that I ever realized because I was/am very - okay, extremely upset at the thought of MM being gone. Of him and the kiddos not being a part of my life.

WTF! Why is happiness always fleeting moment in my life? I am so damn tired of being relationship inept. I am tired of giving my all and getting slapped in the face. I am tired of the hurt, the pain, of always picking up the pieces and repairing my broken heart. It is getting so old!

MM was the male form of me. We were on the same wavelength. We clicked.

I always knew that the kids would make things a little more complicated. But I opened my heart and gave it completely, unconditionally to those children.

And now, I am left with nothing but my heart in pieces.

Now, my mum is totally on MM's side. Her Monday AM mantra was "I still haven't heard where he said he was dumping you." "Give the man the space he is asking for." And she is right - he never said he was dumping my sorry ass; but still, it made me very sad.

It hurt because I thought I finally met "him".

Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - in my life, I have had to fight for. I am tired of the constant fight. Work, home, life, love, myself. Will I ever experience peace? calmness? or am I supposed to spend my time here fighting for absolutely everything?

So in giving MM his space, there is also a fine line for me to walk too. Being too available? Waiting around? This part sucks.

But at the same time, he could use this time to become a better person - not only for himself and his children, but for me too. There's mum's wisdom again!

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