07 May 2006

Just when I think everything is ducky....

Everything gets weird again and I don't know what to think, to feel. Montana Man (MM) has me thoroughly confused these days. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride - only catch is I cannot see anything in front of me so I can be ready for the next up or next down.

A few weeks ago my severe commitment phobia kicked in and I thought I royally f*cked everything up between me and MM. However, we seemed to weather it pretty good - - actually really good. We talked through tons of stuff and truly had a meeting of the minds.

MM flew in early on Thursday to surprise me. It was a fantastic surprise to be heading to his gate when he snuck up behind me.

Until Friday night, when things got wacky again. I am beginning to think either there are planets in retrograde or I am just simply not qualified to have a relationship.

Achieving balance has been so difficult lately. I have only traveled a little bit and MM is on the road every week. I give him the benefit of the doubt - the poor man is simply exhausted. Between the demands of work, his kids, and me, he's got his hands full with a lot of crazy estrogen.

We have these great talks about building a future together. Moving in together, but then a few days later it feels as we are at the other end of that conversation. I begin to question his feelings, my feelings, as well as my thinking. Not good. That is what gets me - when I am left alone with my overthinking brain.

Why must this all be so crazy?! I am tired of always having to fight for everything in my life - and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING - on all fronts - work, home, every aspect of life.

Will I ever enter a calm, serene way of life? I have proved over and over and over again that I AM A FIGHTER. A SURVIVOR. So when can I stop fighting and enjoy life just for once. Even the palm reader knew my life is filled with struggle. It was right there in my bloody hands! You want nice vertical lines on your fingers - - well my lovely little fingers have vertical lines with LOTS of little horizontal lines - - CUTS -- WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR EVERYTHING. And NOT just on one or two fingers BUT ALL DAMN TEN!!

So not good. I am tired of struggle - - 31 years of struggle is quite enough for me. I am ready for a little bliss - - the pure sweet joy of true bliss.

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