28 May 2006

One Comment Can Change Your Outlook

MM made a innocent comment about two months ago - you know, you could have had the girls.

He had spoken to a woman in Boise who was about my age and had children the same age as his. Neither of us thought much of it at the time. However, at some point the next day, I began to think about it.

It all started with me doing the math. Horse Gyrl was born in 1998. I was 23 years old then. I was in my second to last quarter of my graduate degree. I was drinking, bar hopping, working. Not a care in the world other than doing well in school and work and finishing my MBA. Furthest thing from my mind was a boyfriend - let alone husband or children.

When Gyrlie Gyrl was born, I was 25 years old. I was working, making good $$$. I was still traveling as a consultant and was in Charlotte at the time. Again, boyfriends sporadic - they much didn't like my being gone every week. But I placed importance on success - work success - the money I could spend on clothing, vacations.

Now, fast forward to where I am now. What do I have? A good job, a house - a starter home for me - but what is a dream for the average person. Other than that my life is fairly empty. I have learned that money truly cannot buy you happiness; because heaven knows I have tried.

I found the meaning of work-life balance too late. But better late than never. I have very friends left because they are all on the mommy-track; while I am left to fend on my own. My friends' husbands do not trust me because I am too independent and the husbands feel threatened by me. So I see little of my girlfriends. At 31 years old, there are more potential friends out there with children than without in my experience - hence finding new gal pals is difficult. Especially since I am no extrovert.

When I should have made my personal life a priority, I worked for The Man.

I look at Horse Gyrl and Girlie Gyrl and realize that I will not have children. The time for that has come and passed. It makes me very sad. I have turned into LFPR's evil sissy-uglers - the very women I despise. I am alone - with only my hound girls and my bank account.

Whenever anyone asks about MM and learns that he has little girls, it never fails that the questioner states "how lucky those little girls are to have you."

Sure 31 isn't too old to have children these days. But when you do the math, you realize I totally missed the boat. I meet someone now, we date a few years before getting married, so I am 34. Then get married and am married 2 - 3 years, which brings us up to 37. And that is in a perfect world. And we all know my world is anything BUT perfect.

While I have had countless memorable life experiences, I still feel the void. I see the void clearly now because of MM's girls.

And that is what MM's innocent observation made me realize.

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