29 July 2008

line in the sand

Things with The Leech have not improved - I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I will be very honest with you - I have put a deadline in place for us. I feel like he has drug me down. We live more like roommates than a couple. I am trying to create my own life again because I am tired of re-living the past with him. I have given it my best effort but he hasn't met me half way. I keep waiting for a sign that he will work on this relationship too, but I know I have false hope. There are a lot of days that I just want to tell him that I am done but I am waiting and giving him chances since my deadline has not passed.

You know me all too well. I need someone who is a go-getter, has aspirations, dreams of better and is not afraid to go out and do it. The Leech led me to believe that about him but now I know that he is not that type of person. The Leech is happy and content with this house, his job, and his basic life - he has no worries. Yes, I like my house but I don't want to spend the next 30 years here. I want more, bigger, better. I need to be working toward something, a better life. The Leech will never leave his lousy little job working for peanuts. I want someone who will take care of me! The Leech has been oblivious to the fact that I have truly been suffering from depression. When I finally confronted him about it and why he hasn't tried to help me, he told me he didn't notice anything was wrong! My parents knew something was seriously wrong; you could tell and you haven't seen me. I hide nothing from him. The Leech is only concerned with his self pity.

I am very sad at what our relationship has come to but I have put him ahead of myself for too long and I have suffered greatly as a result. While I like The Leech as a person and friend, I feel zero fulfillment as partner in this marriage on many levels. I feel like I am being used.

Also, there is zero sex, which makes me think there are bigger problems than he will even admit.

It is difficult and that is why I want to work through all the things leading to a final decision with the therapist. So many bad things have happened that I don't know if our relationship can ever go back to the old days when I loved him dearly. The Leech can't seem to move beyond the past.
My mom tells me that I will find another man. But honestly that is not what I want. I only want to be happy again and I know it only starts with me. I don't want to be married again. I want to find myself and have a full life filled with friends and family. Some days I wish I didn't have this house, so that I could move and start over. But things happen for a reason - with this house, I realized I can make it on my own and I can see all my hard work all these years pay off in the fact that I could afford this as a "starter" home. I probably wouldn't have taken the chance with this house on my own but now I know I can do it.

The differences between The Leech and I on a socio-economic level have become a big point of contention. He harbors a lot of resentment about the life I have led versus his. I thought our socio-economic differences wouldn't be such a problem but they are for him. I cannot change where I came from and how I got to where I am and unless The Leech can accept that about me, there will always be struggle.

I have spoken at great length with my cousin and my old neighbor (the zany lady who lived across the street from my parents) since they are in similar marriages and decided to stay. Both have echoed the same thing - they hoped I have watched what they have endured over the years and I take the step that they never took. Speaking with them has helped validate my feelings.

So that is all the fun stuff that keeps me up at night and floats through my mind all day.

My parents are fine. Both feel very betrayed by The Leech but other than that they are a happy little bunch of clams! The Leech has even changed in how he treats them too; he is very much a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

fingers crossed

i am also crossing my toes and eyes! even my legs!

the cosmos is aligning...

and i hope to be one big step closer in physical proximity to the southern gentleman in the very near future...

it is happening...

25 July 2008

over and out

This has not been a wild and woolly week, which has been a rather pleasant change of pace.

However, I have been doing this long enough to recognize the calm before the storm.

I actually miss the crazy, hectic schedule and demands. I feel as if I am without direction, without purpose. Pulling my hair out is strangely preferable to lazy days.

Definitely the calm before the storm.

Hopefully Hurricane Dolly's little trip through town will serve to stir things up as August rolls in...

Lots of fun in store for the weekend! Will be hopping all over town! Yippee!

23 July 2008

making her list, checking it twice

Recently, my list of must-haves for a potential suitor has garnered a fair amount of scrutiny. Even Edina thinks I am a bit hung up on a few points, but over the years I have come to know myself and the things I have tried to overlook but no amount of overlooking can stifle my true, raw, honest feelings. Yes, my list looks rather superficial on the surface – but if anyone knows how many frogs I have kissed and how much benefit of the doubt I have bestowed on these frogs, they would know that my list consists of brutal honesty.

It was extremely difficult for me to get to the point of even considering writing up a list. I have always been anti-list because a person is not on par with a gift registry. A person is so much more than a list! Besides I have faithful lived my life with a “don’t judge a book by its over” mentality because I know how I come off to new people. I am painfully shy in a new setting (although that has lessened some) but because I am well put together, my shyness is typically interpreted as aloofness and quite frankly women think I am a stuck up bitch, so never give me a chance.

Another important facet of my list avoidance is my father. He is a brilliant man even though he never went to college and he provided very well for his family. If my father could be so much more than his credentials, then other men could be too, right? I embraced life and men with that in mind. Sure I’ll go out with you at least once! Up to three times because those first few dates are always a little jittery.

Reality is far different than the utopia of sunshine and happiness I have floating around in my mind and heart. Last spring as my relationship with Harry Goldenblatt was waning, I was struck by the lightening bolt that clearly told me, “Girl! Wake up! It is time for you sit down, be painfully honest with yourself and write up your must-have list so you stop wasting your time on men who will never fulfill you.”

And thus, the list was born… based on my experience, my relationships, and being true to myself. I refuse to sell myself short any long.

An example – A man must possess a mortgage (or outright own his property). A mortgage is a commitment. If a man cannot commit to a payment, he certainly cannot commit to me. Also, if he cannot make his payment that also plays into his priorities; therefore, if ensuring there is a roof over his head is not high on the list, we are not going to be compatible.

After last week’s happy hour with Coco and Curly Sue, I realized this list was created long before The Southern Gentleman strolled into my life in a suitor capacity. Imagine my surprise and delight when I ran him through my list and he checks out on all fronts – straight up and sticking to the guidelines. So much for the naysayers.

22 July 2008

rearing its head

Haven't been feeling talkative... you see, girl drama has ensued and quite frankly it's fucked me off. Debating whether or not to discuss it, how to handle it, you know all the whos, whats, whens, whys...

The part that has bothered me the most is how high school the girl causing the drama is being. I have flourished for the past year and a half being devoid of this nasty girl-jealousy crap that I have been subjected to my entire life. And that is the heart of what has brought me down the past few days... I hate that a jealous girl is lashing out at me, without cause, for simply being little old me. I know it is her problem and not mine; however, I have not missed this childish behavior in the least.

Ugh... multi-tasking so flow may be off... but I am ready to be off for the evening. ta ta for now!

17 July 2008

Coco meets SJP

For the first time in two weeks, I finally feel settled and calm. The insane roller coaster ride of emotions came to a stop and I got off the ride. I couldn't be happier and for icing, there are some percolating future develops that have given me a whole other side of hope. I missed ya, Goodness!

A few months ago a we had a new gal join our group. Edina went to a happy hour that I missed due to be in transit and upon giving her report on said happy hour, she proceeded to tell me that a wonderful new gal joined. As the new gal always carries her signature Chanel bag, henceforth she will be known as Coco. My first opportunity to meet Coco was during one of my little Sex and the City refreshers before the movie was released. From the instant Coco walked in the door, I liked her.

Our paths have crossed at various celebrations and happy hours and each time I enjoy her more and more. One of those people that I just click with. Last night we met up at a wine bar for happy hour. We were getting to know each other without the confines of the rest of the group - as in the group setting I am typically not so candid. Unbeknownst to me, Coco also invited our mutual acquaintance, Curly Sue - the gal who went to the Moose signing with us - which was a bit of a damper as Curly Sue's energy changed the dynamic... things went from relaxing and laid back to a nervous-ADD energy.

The topic of dating arose. Curly Sue lamented her latest on-line endeavors. Conversation turns to the fact I have not been on a date in 7 months and Curly Sue brings up my rigid list of must haves. Now Curly Sue does not agree with my list as she feels it is too unattainable and was seeking validation of that from Coco. Imagine the surprise on CS's face when Coco tells her that someone she knows had a similar list, laminated in fact that the woman would extract from her wallet and present to potential suitors... and the moral of Coco's story was that the woman got everything she asked for and is happy to boot.

We had to go to the other side of town for dinner at CS's insistence, rather than walk to one of the 83 nearby places. It was late and the wait was long so we merely had apps at the bar.

It was fun though getting to know Coco better. I think we could become very good friends. While my time here may be drawing to a close, Coco will definitely further spice things up as she has a wonderful spirit and sense of humor... oh and as we were leaving the restaurant, the waitress asked me if anyone has ever told me that I resemble Sarah Jessica Parker... I was a little taken aback as I don't view SJP as attractive, but Coco jabs me in the arm and says "Take that as a compliment!" Yeah, we're going to be fab friends!

Cheers, my lovies... have a great weekend!

14 July 2008

life as a girl

The week before Independence Day, I stumbled upon some new panties which I wore with great excitement in my battle against panty lines. You see, I was never much concerned or aware of the dreaded panty line until Montana Man walked into my life.

That was his thing – the obsession with the thong making panty line disappear. After an extended period of time, I came to love the bum floss and now I cannot live without them.

So about three weeks ago in the deadly Texas heat, I was tra-la-la-ing along walking to and from my car and the below resulted:

(pants + new thong) * humidity * heat = a lovely little cut by my woo-hoo

Yes, a cut down there akin to a paper cut. Living in denial like I do, I proceeded to wear another new thong the next day.

(pants + new thong) * humidity * heat * small cut = a grave situation

I limped along for a few more days, dying a slow painful death any time I moved. Wanting to the claw the walls when nature took it course after a few litres of water. I was miserable – plain and simple.

Then the week of Independence Day I decided to take drastic measures. In order for this situation to come to a close dry air, air in general needed to circulate among the area. How best to test out this hypothesis? Channel my inner Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct and wear a skirt. Just a skirt. No panty line creating undies nor lineless thongs. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

It felt odd the first day, knowing I was sans panties. Then I grew to love it as woo-hoo began healing nicely and I enjoyed the freedom. Of course finding long skirts to make the situation conducive got more difficult as the week progressed but I made it.

Today, I am wearing a thong for the first time since the incident. Needless to say, I am weary, but so far, all is okay.

13 July 2008

a problem solved

In March when The Southern Gentleman was here last, the big pup was being a little too friendly during our party - which translates into her trying to eat sandwiches off plates. My choices were to either stick her in the crate in the garage or to appear more human and tie her to her nighttime leash so she could lay on her bed like a good girl.

Which did I choose? The perceived more humane option - as I naively think the 6 year old hound will be just ducky on her princess bed for a few hours... after all she sleeps with her leash on every night for 8 hours. What is a few hours during the early evening?

She cried and cried like only her whiny bum could. Because she must be with the people! and the chow! At some point, I noticed the cries stopped and I decided to poke my head in on the animal. Everyone in the dining room only heard "oh shit!" reverberated throughout the house.

The damn dog ripped the bedspread off the bed and decided to rip it open. Stuffing everywhere! Ripped beyond repair! Blood stains from her gums on the fabric!

I have a minor melt down as the bedspread is part of my rental. I was beyond ready to kill dog but surprisingly I found myself relieved she did not eat the bed. Over the year and after all the shenanigans with this dog, I have learned to take things in stride by immediately figuring out how the situation could be drastically worse.

I have half heartedly been looking for a replacement bedspread but I haven't been willing to make a significant investment because after all this place probably won't be rented furnished after I leave. But today, I finally stumbled across a replacement bedspread. As I like to say - it was practically free!

On Garden Ridge's damaged aisle, there were a few bedspreads. There was one queen comforter set there... missing the three decorative pillows (who cares! rental)... as a result... originally $50 for $10... plus an additional 75% off!

For $2.50 [$2.71 with tax!], I officially have a new comforter for the rental! I just love a super bargain!

11 July 2008

calgone... take me away

What a wild ride?!

It has been the week from hell... the saga continues! ugh - I am beyond tired. Emotionally drained does not even do justice to how I feel.

at least I have refrigeration once again! who know a stainless steel box could make me so very delightfully complete?! i was ready to hug the repair man as he departed.

as for this weekend... the calendar is light. so light in fact i have nothing marked for saturday or sunday... how did that happen?! must work on rectifying that. or maybe i will just sleep.

things gotta pick up though... they just gotta

at least i am meeting the girls this afternoon for an after work cocktail... then i will be surrounded by lots of inspiration and new exciting tales to share! xoxo

09 July 2008

what does...

running late for the office, pulling an unfrozen waffle from the freezer, playing plastic all day, discovering the ice cube tray is still a pond, melting in the neighbor's garage to beg for freezer space, having to still go back to the office all have in common?

this is my day thus far.

they shoot horses, don't they?!

04 July 2008

does anyone know

what language the characters are? chinese? japanese?

I need your help! I would love to have the characters translated...

wishing y'all

a wonderful independence day!

i am psyching myself up about this whole kayak thing tonight. of course we are meeting early afternoon to pick up the silly things. that means hours to kill before dark... waiting for fireworks... in the water... on a little plastic thing...

remind me again ~ why am i doing this?! oh yeah. because my grandpa told me to.

friday night

Last night after work, I met Edina downtown. We muscled our way through a sea of people at a grand opening event seeking an alcoholic beverage to quench our thirst. Clicking our martini glasses, we tried our new concoctions - mine lavender and Eddie's green tea. The cocktail was just ok and the trendy youngens had become a bit too pushy, so off we went to find adventure elsewhere.

We settled on the tapas place. Wine and tapas - what more could two fab girls ask for?! As the wine arrived, the catching up on the events since last week commenced. From my pre-lake house aggravation to Edina's latest text message, we covered the full gamete in the time it took both of us to leisurely consume two vino glasses.

Last night, I felt Edina was more open with me, more candid than she has been in the past year. Edina's candor eased my fears that she would distance herself from me. It made my heart sing as she is making a conscious effort to strengthen our bond before I leave.

02 July 2008

a facet of culmination

Days fly by. Days that turn into months, which amass into a year.

Several facets of my life at this moment feel like a culmination, a tsunami a-brewin'. Culmination is the word that feels like the best sum of the whirlings I feel.

Culmination. My time here in heaven is coming to a close. I spent most of Monday in tears, slapped squarely across the face with the reality that the sun is readying itself to set. The realization rocked my core. I was not prepared for my extreme reaction. The emotion was overwhelming. In fact, it remains so as I can feel the tears welling as I type these words. Obviously, this topic will be raw for some time.

I wanted to call The Southern Gentleman so badly to tell him about the storm front, but it was early morning. He always likes to 'solve' my problems. Instead, I sent an email. No instant gratification. Then I called Montana Man.

Yes, I called him and left a message. I needed that comfort and since I couldn't get it from The Southern Gentleman, I tried the other.

A few moments later, the instant message pops on my screen and a conversation unfolds:

MM: Pats, crying is not worth it. You did a great job. Remember things happen for a reason.
Patsy: I know but I just wanted a little more time.
MM: You always have options. So smile.
Patsy: I know - but you have no idea the life I have created for myself down here - that is the part that is killing me
MM: You have a boy out there?
Patsy: No, no boy.
MM: I had to ask.
Patsy: What I do have are the most fabulous girlfriends ever.
MM: And they will always be. That is the thing about girls that boys don't do.
Patsy: But it is all those little things that I will miss terribly. Like getting together to watch movies at Red's on Saturdays.
MM: Yep , I know. You are much happier down there.
Patsy: You have no idea.
MM: Yes, I do. Hello??
Patsy: But I keep telling myself that if I can find this much happiness here, that I can find it everywhere because it dwells inside me. This is supposed to happen. I was supposed to come here. I have learned the lessons I was meant to learn here. It is time for me to go because I have a whole new set of things to learn.
MM: See Grasshopper, you are learning. I love you, Miss Pats!!

I reached out to Edina around lunchtime. She was the only one I could tell. We met on the street surrounded by working folks on their lunch breaks. I saw her and I fell apart. In the middle of the sidewalk, we held each other for dear life. Luckily, Edina thought ahead, whipping Kleenex out of her pocket as we walked and talked. I felt a million times better after Edina and I spoke.

I also received an email from The Southern Gentleman that evening reiterating that I have had a good run. A phone call hearing those words spoken with his slight drawl would have made everything okay, but we're just not quite there yet.

Focus on the good. That is my new mantra along with making the most of each day down here. While I have never ceased savoring the beautiful sight of the rose colored Capitol each morning, I hold it a little tighter to ensure the memory, the moment is forever burned into my mind. I have stopped complaining about my frizzy hair as it is a central element to the experience down here, the tale I weave about my time 'living on the sun'.

I cannot stop change from happening, but I can do it on my terms. No regrets.

01 July 2008

mini-break fun

Ah, the fun and games this past weekend. Golly - it was quite a time.

Obviously there was a running theme from the month of June. The theme? Me ending up topless in the water. With people. This time specifically women on our girls celebratory weekend. I wonder what my unconscious is trying to tell me? Or maybe it is just that long since I have had any sort of relational activities that stripping has become an outlet in my intoxicated state. Never before have so many people seen my fully exposed boobies before. Wild.

Aside from the half naked adventures, I had a grand time. Beyond blessed is what I am to have such wonderful girlfriends. We were an eclectic group but we had a ball. Enough food to feed half of Africa for 10 days. Obviously rivers of booze flowed. Cigarette breaks were taken. Sweating to death in the Texas heat led to sticky butts on pleather seats. We played vicious games of Uno. Laughed. Sent dirty text messages. Cooked. Ate without counting points or calories.

It was sad to pack up and disband on Sunday afternoon. The mini-break was much needed and I could have stayed just one more day. I am over the moon to have found this fabulous group of women to call my friends. After living almost 32 years without a group of close girlfriends, I am delighted to have secure, caring women I can call 'friend', who accept me for who I am without exceptions.

I've lost my train of thought... it is getting sloppy now... so sayonara for today!