29 July 2008

line in the sand

Things with The Leech have not improved - I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I will be very honest with you - I have put a deadline in place for us. I feel like he has drug me down. We live more like roommates than a couple. I am trying to create my own life again because I am tired of re-living the past with him. I have given it my best effort but he hasn't met me half way. I keep waiting for a sign that he will work on this relationship too, but I know I have false hope. There are a lot of days that I just want to tell him that I am done but I am waiting and giving him chances since my deadline has not passed.

You know me all too well. I need someone who is a go-getter, has aspirations, dreams of better and is not afraid to go out and do it. The Leech led me to believe that about him but now I know that he is not that type of person. The Leech is happy and content with this house, his job, and his basic life - he has no worries. Yes, I like my house but I don't want to spend the next 30 years here. I want more, bigger, better. I need to be working toward something, a better life. The Leech will never leave his lousy little job working for peanuts. I want someone who will take care of me! The Leech has been oblivious to the fact that I have truly been suffering from depression. When I finally confronted him about it and why he hasn't tried to help me, he told me he didn't notice anything was wrong! My parents knew something was seriously wrong; you could tell and you haven't seen me. I hide nothing from him. The Leech is only concerned with his self pity.

I am very sad at what our relationship has come to but I have put him ahead of myself for too long and I have suffered greatly as a result. While I like The Leech as a person and friend, I feel zero fulfillment as partner in this marriage on many levels. I feel like I am being used.

Also, there is zero sex, which makes me think there are bigger problems than he will even admit.

It is difficult and that is why I want to work through all the things leading to a final decision with the therapist. So many bad things have happened that I don't know if our relationship can ever go back to the old days when I loved him dearly. The Leech can't seem to move beyond the past.
My mom tells me that I will find another man. But honestly that is not what I want. I only want to be happy again and I know it only starts with me. I don't want to be married again. I want to find myself and have a full life filled with friends and family. Some days I wish I didn't have this house, so that I could move and start over. But things happen for a reason - with this house, I realized I can make it on my own and I can see all my hard work all these years pay off in the fact that I could afford this as a "starter" home. I probably wouldn't have taken the chance with this house on my own but now I know I can do it.

The differences between The Leech and I on a socio-economic level have become a big point of contention. He harbors a lot of resentment about the life I have led versus his. I thought our socio-economic differences wouldn't be such a problem but they are for him. I cannot change where I came from and how I got to where I am and unless The Leech can accept that about me, there will always be struggle.

I have spoken at great length with my cousin and my old neighbor (the zany lady who lived across the street from my parents) since they are in similar marriages and decided to stay. Both have echoed the same thing - they hoped I have watched what they have endured over the years and I take the step that they never took. Speaking with them has helped validate my feelings.

So that is all the fun stuff that keeps me up at night and floats through my mind all day.

My parents are fine. Both feel very betrayed by The Leech but other than that they are a happy little bunch of clams! The Leech has even changed in how he treats them too; he is very much a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.


Fiona said...

I didn't know you were married :)

Taking that step....is so important. It sounds like there's no repairing what you maybe once had or thought you had. Go forward, hon, that's all I can advise. Seek your own happiness without trying to make it happen through someone who cares so little, he doesn't even know when you're depressed.

Go and be the best you that you can be and then things will happen as the cosmos falls into place :)

patsy said...

Oh Fi, I've been divorced for 3 years! this post was something I stumbled upon yesterday while sifting through my hard drive... getting the big d was the best thing I ever did!

Fiona said...

oooooooooooooooh now I get it!!!

Am glad you took the step, too many don't and waste years and years of their lives hoping something will change.

Glad good things are happening for you now.


Renaissance Woman said...

I'm glad that you are so happy with the decision. Sounds like you did some major soul searching. Good for you!

Anonymous said...

Wow! That's the stuff people don't tell you when you get married...Stuff I think everyone should know so they can spot the signs sooner.