02 July 2008

a facet of culmination

Days fly by. Days that turn into months, which amass into a year.

Several facets of my life at this moment feel like a culmination, a tsunami a-brewin'. Culmination is the word that feels like the best sum of the whirlings I feel.

Culmination. My time here in heaven is coming to a close. I spent most of Monday in tears, slapped squarely across the face with the reality that the sun is readying itself to set. The realization rocked my core. I was not prepared for my extreme reaction. The emotion was overwhelming. In fact, it remains so as I can feel the tears welling as I type these words. Obviously, this topic will be raw for some time.

I wanted to call The Southern Gentleman so badly to tell him about the storm front, but it was early morning. He always likes to 'solve' my problems. Instead, I sent an email. No instant gratification. Then I called Montana Man.

Yes, I called him and left a message. I needed that comfort and since I couldn't get it from The Southern Gentleman, I tried the other.

A few moments later, the instant message pops on my screen and a conversation unfolds:

MM: Pats, crying is not worth it. You did a great job. Remember things happen for a reason.
Patsy: I know but I just wanted a little more time.
MM: You always have options. So smile.
Patsy: I know - but you have no idea the life I have created for myself down here - that is the part that is killing me
MM: You have a boy out there?
Patsy: No, no boy.
MM: I had to ask.
Patsy: What I do have are the most fabulous girlfriends ever.
MM: And they will always be. That is the thing about girls that boys don't do.
Patsy: But it is all those little things that I will miss terribly. Like getting together to watch movies at Red's on Saturdays.
MM: Yep , I know. You are much happier down there.
Patsy: You have no idea.
MM: Yes, I do. Hello??
Patsy: But I keep telling myself that if I can find this much happiness here, that I can find it everywhere because it dwells inside me. This is supposed to happen. I was supposed to come here. I have learned the lessons I was meant to learn here. It is time for me to go because I have a whole new set of things to learn.
MM: See Grasshopper, you are learning. I love you, Miss Pats!!

I reached out to Edina around lunchtime. She was the only one I could tell. We met on the street surrounded by working folks on their lunch breaks. I saw her and I fell apart. In the middle of the sidewalk, we held each other for dear life. Luckily, Edina thought ahead, whipping Kleenex out of her pocket as we walked and talked. I felt a million times better after Edina and I spoke.

I also received an email from The Southern Gentleman that evening reiterating that I have had a good run. A phone call hearing those words spoken with his slight drawl would have made everything okay, but we're just not quite there yet.

Focus on the good. That is my new mantra along with making the most of each day down here. While I have never ceased savoring the beautiful sight of the rose colored Capitol each morning, I hold it a little tighter to ensure the memory, the moment is forever burned into my mind. I have stopped complaining about my frizzy hair as it is a central element to the experience down here, the tale I weave about my time 'living on the sun'.

I cannot stop change from happening, but I can do it on my terms. No regrets.


kimba said...

Oh Good GOD! I thought you were dying..

This is a lovely post Ms Pats. I want to write a million things - all are probably obvious to you - so I will limit this comment to one.. The universe deemed that you needed a break to build up your reserve.. You've had it.

The people and place may change once you move - but you will always keep track of them.. and have magic places to go on holidays to recharge..

Oh God. I just realised - when you move - does that mean the girls won't be able to live with you???

patsy said...

kimba ~ thanks! no worries though, the girls come with me... we actually go home.