looking back, looking forward

I love FutureMe. Exactly a year later, my letter from 27 December 2010 showed up in my in-box yesterday. I suppose it is my resolutions, my time capsule of sorts. Sometimes I am surprised by the things I truly knew back then, if only I acted on that knowledge sooner. Hope springs eternal, right? 

What will I write to myself for next year? 

** *** ** *** ** *** ** ***

27 Dec 2010

Dear FutureMe,

I was remiss in writing my annual letter at the beginning of the year. Life-sucking Vampire project ate up so much of this year. But it also provided me a lot of satisfaction, great press, and wonderful experience.

2010. Suppose I should begin at the beginning. Life-sucking Vampire project was frustrating, fighting the egos of Those Who Shall Not Be Named and Super Dad's desire to keep everyone happy. Super Dad finally saw the light and implemented my house cleaning plan.

Super Dad and I enjoyed working together. He would wave his hand in front of me every time that a man checked me out. I remember racing elevators to the 12th floor after a Starbuck's run. We railed through the front door of the suite. That moment made me realize that my fun side - thought to be long lost during the dark years - is alive and well.

Our nightly dinners took a turn at the Hula Hut, when Super Dad kissed me at the end of the night. The brightness of the situation dulled once his pain returned in July and rendered him out of commission.

The last time I saw Super Dad was Memorial Day weekend. Seven months ago. I don't know where this is going to, if anywhere. He sent me a very lovey romantic Christmas card.

Then The Southern Gentleman is out there in the atmosphere. He made a trip out here in May - in between my ATL trips. I continue to lose faith in him and the life we planned together oh so long ago.

You saw Machu Picchu and Tunisia. Lulu went on Prozac.

Enough nastoglia. On to the year ahead!

For 2011, here are the things for you to focus on and report back to me on in exactly one year: 
* Blog at least three times a week.
* Eat regularly since that is key to weight loss. Continue focusing on the super foods and you will have made it there. 
* Open your heart to love. You deserve love. I can already feel the shift starting because you are looking at your body with much less disgust. Self-Love is key. 
* Continue to travel into bold, uncharted territory. I think the Himalayas and Chile are on tap for 2011. 
* Job. That is so up in the air right now. Austin continues to push you to the next level. You can do it! 
* Continue to enjoy life here in Austin. No matter where the day takes you, Austin has been such a wonderful teacher. Love big! 
* Get back on your spiritual path. You feel the call for meditation. Follow it. Open your soul. Big things are here for you; just waiting so get back on the road, baby! 
* Learn French for your return to Tunisia. You will parle frances.

You are only improving with each year. Be open. Live Fearlessly. Love. Love. Love. Do good. Follow the path that tugs at your soul. 2011 is gonna be grand! Momentous! Indeed. Make me proud like only you can.

Until then.... love you more than anything! xoxo

the leopard shows his spots

yesterday served as a marker. it has been exactly a week since i last spoke with super dad.

last thursday there was only an exchange of voicemail. the following day was complete and utter radio silence. i have called and left messages on both his home and mobile phones to no avail. since the voicemail boxes are not full, he is checking messages. just not returning my calls.

disappointed doesn't even begin to cover my feelings on this silence. we are old enough not to play these childish games. love me enough to tell me that we need a break. but don't simply disappear off the radar. it is not fair to disappear after he was in the hospital over night earlier last week. i was so very worried about the man i love.

but my worry and concern has moved to disappointment and is rapidly entering the anger zone.

from a year to eternity

By 10:30 this morning, I had it with this place. For the entire week. I am so tired of feeling powerless, un-respected, tired of being beat up because everyone shoots the messenger even if she is in a nice dress...

I know I need to stop caring. But that do-gooder in me can't be turned off that easily. I am frustrated and tired and a year seems like an awful long way away.

Lulu has gotten worse and I think our set-up down here is a large contributing factor. She has stopped prancing but last night I saw the sparkle is gone from her eyes and that has made me absolutely sick. I don't know what else to do. I will call her vet and see about switching up pills, maybe try acupuncture, walking her (may help both of us), but at the end of the day, I know what she needs - her home, her yard, and me not being gone all day.

I keep reminding myself that I just need to hold on a bit longer... the year is already a 1/4 over... I can make it.... but today, right now, it feels like an eternity.

buzzing forward

I am shocked how quickly this week has buzzed by. This time last week I was excitedly awaiting Friday and Super Dad's arrival. Now, in the blink of an eye, a whole week has passed. Time keeps moving forward.

The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is palpable.

If I could move to Atlanta right now, I would. But alas, it is not that easy. I am committed to at least one more year down here in Austin. This time next year is most likely my first opportunity to bounce out. Before the irrational part of me chimes in with "a year might as well be an eon", I know that as quickly as this week has charged by, so too has the first quarter of this year and ultimately a year truly isn't that long in the big picture. We will be together soon enough. I get to use this year to enjoy the best of Austin before moving on to my next exciting adventure.

Return of Super Dad

After nearly ten months of separation, Super Dad came to Austin for the weekend. The past three days were fabulous; quite honestly, it was even better than I could have imagined. We are a great team and get on like a house fire. Despite the huge gap in seeing each other, we were immediately and seamlessly in sync.

I found myself smiling so much my cheeks hurts, laughing more than usual and overall being disgustingly happy. The ease I feel around Super Dad baffles me. I can completely be myself, uncensored, unafraid, genuine.

We talked about a lot over the weekend, especially deep conversations occurred on Sunday afternoon. Super Dad’s statements were all future oriented, specifically our future together. Choices were the common theme: where to live, marriage versus committed relationship; Super Dad laid out all things he wanted me to decide when I am ready. The repetitive theme was all that matters is that he is with me.

And so there are pros and cons to be weighed and decisions to be made. Part of me is leery of this giddy happiness, that it might be causing temporary blindness; but the other part is telling me that I won’t know unless I jump in. During this, the Southern Gentleman’s antenna have sensed my happiness and there was an email from the Southern Gentleman in my mailbox this morning. Ten years of ambiguity with the Southern Gentleman versus one year of healthy, growing momentum with Super Dad.

I circle back to Super Dad’s determination to get better, his statements of getting back to making big bucks so we can enjoy our city home together and a beachfront condo too. We feed off each other in positive ways. Separately we light up a room, together sunglasses are required. Super Dad checks every box on my must-have list. I need some time to digest this weekend, to savor it, to synthesize it. 

spanks of success

I have always know that I am a blessed/lucky woman. For the most part, I have my act together. I can dress myself, have a good eye for color, know what looks best on my curvy figure. There is a brain ticking away upstairs and I possess a good sense of humor. However, what I view as the most important facet of being me is that I am humble.

Life-sucking vampire project is complete. I successfully finished it, even though there were moments I thought it might slay me. I won the well-deserved laurel wreath. As a result of my success, I was given a new position, which was a promotion (although I did not receive any monetary raise that one would think normally comes with a promotion). I was completely thrilled to receive this new opportunity and there are times I catch myself thinking it is dream. However, until this week, I did not realize the colossalness of my new job. It is an entry level executive position of sorts. People have been congratulating me with caveats along the lines of "I have to be super nice to you now because you're important". Me? Little old me. I continue to have a difficult time with those comments.

Every day I pull on my spanks to keep everything in place and slip my dress on over my head, the same as everyone else. The learning curve is significantly steeper than I anticipated. Frustration is running deep and fast because I feel lost. I am constantly reminding myself that I felt the exact same frustration when I started the life-sucking vampire project. This too shall pass, Patsy. I want to be stellar, have happy customers.

I am no one special. I am simply a girl with an unwavering drive to succeed. High hopes for making the new gig as shining super star success like the life-sucking vampire project (with no life sucking this time!).

is this the end?

I sit here tonight wondering if my time with Super Dad is over. I find that I am no longer concerned when he does not call. My heart doesn't go pitter-pat when phone does ring. I am simply lukewarm.

Maybe my attitude is due to the illness. Maybe because we haven't seen each other in three months. I don't know. I find myself wondering about my intense love of travel and his seeming indifference. I am over the moon regarding my upcoming South America and North Africa adventures; Super Dad hasn't said about either.

Of course, at the ranch, various ranchers discuss their marriages and I find myself thinking "I wouldn't respond to that in that manner" and often times find myself saying "that's why I am alone." Fast-forward to the very thought of Super Dad and I cohabiting and I can see danger flares. Our approach to our dogs is vastly different. My Lulu is my baby, my child that passionately protect and care for; Super Dad's dog is exactly that - a dog, who is on a rigid schedule in all aspects of his boring little canine life. Flower Children versus Military Lock-down. Two vastly different worlds that are fairly comfortable in their separate worlds.

I think between the Mayo stuff, the Edina Debacle (to be discussed later), truly looking at what life is like in Atlanta, and simply being exhausted has me honestly second guessing the Super Dad affair. Maybe everything will become clear when I am oxygen deprived in Andes.

Balancing Act

Welcome to the world of introspection. 

Latest topic swirling around in my brain is balance. Not inner ear, vertigo balance. I am talking about work-life balance. Particularly the fact that I have none. All work. No life. Where is the balance in that?! 

Work and various other little health issues (to be discussed later) have meant that is has been six weeks since Super Dad and I have seen each other. My life centers around work these days and the drain is truly getting to me. 

I basically picked up my little non-existent Colorado life over three years ago and planted myself in Austin. All prompted by my job, seeking a land of opportunity. While things have been super peachy in the job realm, my personal life has suffered since the fall. Prior to and since coming down here, I have not had a proper relationship with a man. There was the delusion of The Southern Gentleman for awhile. But I haven't met anyone down here. 

Then enter Super Dad stage right. Because of our profession, work related travel is a necessary evil. But with that understanding, that I am on the road, how do I have a "normal" relationship? How do I have a relationship that is not long distance? And no, the answer is not 'find a new job'. 

I sit here realizing I have and continue to give my whole self to a company. That is pretty messed up. I need to start reclaiming my life without sacrificing my hard earned success. And that is the hard part - tempering my drive for success without paying for it with my blood and little pieces of my soul. 

I don't know to accomplish this; it is a road I've never traveled on. But there is more to me than the life sucking vampire project. I would love to see if Super Dad and I could make a go of it. I would love to be able to come home to him and ask "how was your day?" - in person and not over the mobile phone. 

Maybe this means I am finally ready to settle down and be a touch domesticated. Or maybe it is just the random musings of a physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted girl. I just know there has to be more to life than work - sleep - repeat. I need to remember what balance looks like and find it again.

interpretation

some days i wonder if i make up all these crazy ideas.

i think i take things too personally sometimes.

i tried my hardest not to be cool to super dad yesterday but i was miffed about sunday night and work getting in the way. i still know i was a bit chilly.

then i start to doubt my entire take on the situation. one of my greatest faults is my binary nature - i am a light switch - i am either on or off - shades of gray can be hard to find in certain aspects of my life, my interpretation of a situation.

however, last night super dad and i had dinner with a co-worker and his wife. then today super dad was flirty again. tonight we had dinner together.

he prefaces his conversations with giggles and winks of jest but he talks about our 'dates' and pretending that there is something going on with us in front of our co-workers. i thought that it was in jest but at the same time i wonder if it is wishful thinking - i teeter-totter between the two scenarios - not knowing which to believe. my insecurity creeps to the forefront.

realizations

I survived another week. Sadly, my evenings haven't been fun like they used to be; these days, I pass out in front of the television with a glass (or two, or three) of vino. I am hoping that with summer rapidly approaching and truly believing the life-sucking vampire project making great strides, I will be able to restore balance in my life. Because I certainly do miss it, kids.

Smack dab in the middle of the week, Super Dad half whispered into the phone, "Want to meet for a drink after I get in on Sunday night again?" My yes was immediate, instantaneous, excited. Plans are progressing for my visit. Honestly, I am super excited for Sunday night and even more excited for the mini-holiday. I also find myself sad that his days as my partner in crime will be ending soon. Proximity is everything.

Edina is being very supportive; whereas, Shelley was hands down opposed to my even entertaining the thought.

But I am done with labels. I am tired of the 'shoulds', the rules, the expectations set by someone who has never walked in my high heeled shoes. My life is anything but 'normal'. I possess all the creature comforts - a home, a car, a job - but compared to everyone else in my age bracket, I am not married with kids, my picket fence is painted red, I continue to be hungry, I am ok with being alone, don't need someone else to define me. I am a nomad - my gypsy roots still tug at my heart - feeding that wanderlust and adventure that circulates through me, that is as vital to me as blood and oxygen. My life doesn't fit nicely into a little blue box, but I have never liked confined spaces. The chances, the consequences of this tryst are no different than those of the Leech, Montana Man, The Southern Gentleman, or any of the other ghosts of christmas past. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Jumping in, wholeheartedly, just as I do with everything else. No regrets.

carnaval

Last night was Carnaval in the ATX. It was fabulous fun!

But let's do a little back tracking, shall we?

Friday afternoon I sent a note to Bolt with the will call information for our tickets on Saturday. I told him about the warm-up party too. I was proud of myself for sending him the details instead of chickening out.

Now to Saturday. I slept in and didn't make it to boot camp. However, I did have a two and half hour phone call with my mother about death as her 92 year old mother (my grandmother) is dying. After that downer, I ran errands such as eye brow waxing and returning Carnaval outfits that didn't make the cut. When I arrived home at 3:15, there was a response from Bolt inquiring about the warm-up party location. I took a nap and then sent Bolt the details. I started getting ready for the night, which meant I was in the back of the house away from my phone.

I curled my hair, applied my make up and put on my fishnets. I felt rather naked in my negligee. In checking my mobile's battery life, I saw there was a message from Edina stating Bolt needed the directions to the warm-up party because he was without internet. Edina sent Bolt's number and I provided him the details. I quickly received a response from Bolt, "cool - on my way!"

I parked at the garage and had to psych myself up to walk from there to the party location a few blocks away. Luckily I ran into an acquaintance along the way so I wasn't as self-conscious. Got to the warm-up party and walked in to see Bolt there waiting for me.

Cocktails were had. More people arrived. Then Bolt's ex walked through the door and he decided it was time to make me another drink. She came over and chatted him up and I used the time to circulate. He was back at my side shortly and then one of my long time admirers arrived and was getting a little handsy with me. Of course, Bolt gets very close to stake out his 'property', which I thought was pretty neat.

It was shortly past 9 PM and time to leave for the main venue. I went to the bathroom to affix my mask. With that done, I took off my coat to reveal my outfit and we were out the door. We picked up our tickets at will call without a hitch and entered the party. Bolt and I broke off from the group quickly and submerged ourselves into the festivities.

We ran into others from time-to-time, but we stayed together all night. Bolt brought a flask and we did small toasts along the way. During our last break of the night, we caught up with the bulk of the crew. At some point Edina and I were whisked away by a man to join a conga line. Later Bolt was resourceful and we jumped in a conga line so he could touch me a bit. We ended the night dancing cheek to cheek with bit of smoochy-smooch.

After the lights came up, we headed to the door with a small pocket of the group. Bolt took my hand and didn't let go until we were back at warm-up party headquarters. The night wound down around 3 AM. Bolt drove me to my car and we kissed good night.

I'd say my first Carnaval was a success.

friday night

Last night after work, I met Edina downtown. We muscled our way through a sea of people at a grand opening event seeking an alcoholic beverage to quench our thirst. Clicking our martini glasses, we tried our new concoctions - mine lavender and Eddie's green tea. The cocktail was just ok and the trendy youngens had become a bit too pushy, so off we went to find adventure elsewhere.

We settled on the tapas place. Wine and tapas - what more could two fab girls ask for?! As the wine arrived, the catching up on the events since last week commenced. From my pre-lake house aggravation to Edina's latest text message, we covered the full gamete in the time it took both of us to leisurely consume two vino glasses.

Last night, I felt Edina was more open with me, more candid than she has been in the past year. Edina's candor eased my fears that she would distance herself from me. It made my heart sing as she is making a conscious effort to strengthen our bond before I leave.

mini-break fun

Ah, the fun and games this past weekend. Golly - it was quite a time.

Obviously there was a running theme from the month of June. The theme? Me ending up topless in the water. With people. This time specifically women on our girls celebratory weekend. I wonder what my unconscious is trying to tell me? Or maybe it is just that long since I have had any sort of relational activities that stripping has become an outlet in my intoxicated state. Never before have so many people seen my fully exposed boobies before. Wild.

Aside from the half naked adventures, I had a grand time. Beyond blessed is what I am to have such wonderful girlfriends. We were an eclectic group but we had a ball. Enough food to feed half of Africa for 10 days. Obviously rivers of booze flowed. Cigarette breaks were taken. Sweating to death in the Texas heat led to sticky butts on pleather seats. We played vicious games of Uno. Laughed. Sent dirty text messages. Cooked. Ate without counting points or calories.

It was sad to pack up and disband on Sunday afternoon. The mini-break was much needed and I could have stayed just one more day. I am over the moon to have found this fabulous group of women to call my friends. After living almost 32 years without a group of close girlfriends, I am delighted to have secure, caring women I can call 'friend', who accept me for who I am without exceptions.

I've lost my train of thought... it is getting sloppy now... so sayonara for today!

Moose

I had never been to a book reading/signing before. However, en route to the weekend debauchery, I got an invite from a pal to attend the Moose signing on Sunday. I eagerly agreed as I have read Stephanie Klein's blog for awhile and thought it would be interesting to her alive and in person.

I am assuming most attended her earlier Austin kickoff signing because the Barnes and Noble was relatively empty. With the low turnout, I felt badly for her. There wasn't a soul in the first three rows, so we sat up front and center.

I was a wee bit surprised at her heritage as she is 1/4 Puerto Rican. Somehow strangely it made me feel better as I am a blue eyed 1/2 Puerto Rican who receives odd looks when people learn of my background. She did have a fabulous blowout though - I wish my locks could be so straight in the same humidity!

While I have no desire to read a book about adolescent fat camp, I certainly did resonate with Stephanie's statement that she has learned to look at her body as a vehicle as opposed to her body defining who she is.

It was fun to actually see her... also catching a glimpse of her much talked about twins in their stroller, and being hypnotised by the huge rock of an engagement ring that dwells on her left hand.

dream a little dream

Friday night has now turned into Saturday morning. 1:30 AM. I should be asleep. I should call him and tell him. Everything. There are many shoulds looming. But none of those matter right now. Because right now I am truly blissfully happy. Every inch. Every cell. Every molecule. Every atom. Pure. Complete. Total happiness.

Happiness is not a mask that I don when out in the world. No. It is deep within me and radiates at all times. I can feel it in my heart. It is palpable. It is alive.

My life is nothing short of amazing. Dreams do come true. And I now realize those dreams have to come true so that I can dream bigger dreams that will one day soon come true as well. The flower continues blooming.

Tonight I realized one of my long held dreams. Last week in Cali I touched several dreams. I smelled roses. Felt the surf on my toes. My dreams. They are all coming true. And for that I am beyond thankful and grateful.

I am one lucky girl.

Farewell January 2008

The final day of January. January 2008.

Tomorrow marks the first day of February. February 2008 marks an important milestone. A gate opening. Hopefully, my life changing for the better. I know it is will be for the better. It is only a matter of when. When. I cannot wait.

In honor of this impending kick off, random facts surrounding my birth date:

Your date of conception was on or about 15 February which was a Friday.

You were born on a Friday under the astrological sign Scorpio.

Your Life path number is 4.

Your fortune cookie reads: You will have a very pleasant experience.

You were born in the Chinese year of the Tiger.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Snake

Your plant is Thistle.

As of 1/31/2008 1:43:19 PM EST You are 33 years old. You are 398 months old. You are 1,734 weeks old. You are 12,137 days old. You are 291,301 hours old. You are 17,478,103 minutes old. You are 1,048,686,199 seconds old.

Celebrities who share your birthday:
Jack Osbourne (1985)
Tara Reid (1975)
Parker Posey (1968)
Mary Hart (1951)
Bonnie Raitt (1949)
Morley Safer (1931)
Patti Page (1927)
Esther Rolle (1920)
Margaret Mitchell (1900)

Top songs of 1974
The Way We Were by Barbra Streisand
Seasons In the Sun by Terry Jacks
Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
Billy, Don't Be a Hero by Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods
Annie's Song by John Denver
The Loco-Motion by Grand Funk


Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 4.75029354207436 years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

Your lucky day is Tuesday.

Your lucky number is 9 & 11.

Your ruling planet(s) is Mars & Pluto.

Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.

Your opposition sign is Taurus.

Your birthstone is Citrine -->The Mystical properties of Citrine
Citrine is said to help one connect with Spirit. Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone.

Your birth tree is Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waning crescent.

What about you?

Lady Bird and Me

Austin truly has this magical charm about it. I have had adventure while working for money and emotional health. There has definitely not be a lack of wonderful events which have left an indelible impression on my soul.

Last night I got to participate in a once in a lifetime event. The UT clock tower was aglow in orange light. Unbeknown to me, the tower is rarely lit in the home town color. Last night the clock tower was ablaze in remembrance for Lady Bird Johnson.

After enjoying the UT Moonlight Prowl, I proceeded to the Lyndon B. Johnson Library to say hi to this dear town's Lady Bird. Even though it was late at night, the news vans were present in full force and there were many Austinites milling around. Made my way through the library and up the stairs where Lady Bird lay. The casket was closed and covered in a beautiful thick brocade blanket. The blanket consisted of an intricate design - very colorful, and everything was outlined in a thin gold thread.

I got to see a First Lady as she lay resting. What struck me most last night was that Texas is so steeped with presidential history and I have been surrounded by it, reminded of when out here. Last summer, every night I left the office, I drove past the DFW book depository and the exact spot where President Kennedy was assassinated. Now I was in the presence of the next phase of American history after President Kennedy died there in the LBJ Presidential Library.

Last night on my way home, I began to reflect on my life and just how extremely fortunate I am. I was a witness at President Clinton's first inauguration. I have been around the world - figuratively and literally. I have a job, house, and closet full of clothes and shoes. I am making my peace with the past transgressions and with each day am closer to being healed.

Now I can add to the list that I spent a little time with a former First Lady before she headed West.

2007 - Starting to suck already

Yesterday was ugly. So much for a bright sparkly new year. My Benz mechanic called. The original problem was much worse once they actually opened the car up. Much worse to the tune of 5k. Coronary. Massive. Motherfucker. Coronary.

So I called MM. Cried a bit. MM will help me sell it after it is fixed. I hope it sells itself easily, quickly and I can recoup the money I've spent on it thus far.

The Benz was my dream. I fucked the car up pretty damn good and expensively within a few short minutes. Sad doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Devastated. Disappointed. The repairs cost money I do not have. To have a car like this requires more money than I ever anticipated. However, it was also purchased under the pretense of two incomes - MM and me - we'd be able to cover these items. Two is always better than one.

I had it for 6 months. Maybe that was all I was meant to have it. Maybe I need to find another dream.