overload

For the past month or so, weekends have been jam-packed with activities. So much so that when Monday rolls in, I feel a sense of relief that my dull little routine will allow for some very necessary rest. This weekend proved no exception.

Continually busy, I simply rolled from commitment to commitment. While it was fun, I do need to be better about ensuring I do carve in weekend down time. I head out to wine country for a long weekend and think that will be just what the doctor ordered to help me establish balance once again.

Things with Nelson continue to be good. We went out on Friday evening and saw each other again on Saturday evening. Sunday morning he made pancakes for breakfast. He is super sweet but part of me fears that he is gearing up to get to serious once the turkey day festivities are over. A case in point is the conversation of his puppy and introducing said puppy to my girls, followed up with bringing the travel crate over. It is the travel crate portion that scares me because I don't want another dog, let alone a spastic puppy running around my house full time on the weekends. I suppose it all about the negotiation, right?  There is also a part of me that thinks I am simply looking for any excuse to cut bait, because when serious comes knocking at the door, this girl bolts.

We have fun. Time flies when we are together. He genuinely cares about me. I love that there aren't any games. Everything is straight-forward and honest. All characteristics I haven't known for an extremely long time. Maybe all I need is to breath deep, calm down and work my angst out here.

where the day takes you

Some days the Universe absolutely amazes me.

Action is key, even if you don't realize you are doing the action that gets the ball rolling... as to keep the laws of motion, well, frankly in motion.

A leisurely glass of wine at the hotel reception tonight meant running into a run-in.

Said run-in resulted in a two hour conversation, which will most likely turn into an Austin based job.

The magic of Austin never ceases to amaze me. 

pins and needles

My third and final interview was two weeks ago Thursday. Since then, I have not heard a single word from nouveau company. Last Friday, I placed a call to them which has gone unanswered. Today, I gave up and sent an email inquiring if they are still interested. I am so tired of not knowing a single thing. Being kept in the dark may be good for mushrooms, but it is starting to break me.

We'll see what I hear back. The third interview did not go well as the interviewer took the conversation to unusual places. Overall, it was a stark contrast to the previous two. I know I am letting my doubt take over because honestly, they'd be silly not to want me. I have been patient long enough, so today I went with action.

critters

In ten days, my rental home will be packed, loaded onto a truck, and headed back to the Mile High City. Each day, my dread of the end here grows. I find myself concentrating and connecting with the little things that make Stepford special such as:

• The geckos that I was once absolutely terrified of but now have a mutual understanding with as we coexist on this little piece of property.
• The blue jays that spend an excessive amount of time in my yard. Those birds never fail to bring a smile to my face.
• The hummingbirds who love the red plants in the side yard. I was disappointed when I realized I wouldn't see the hummingbirds before I left; however, this morning, I did see the long, slender hummingbird nectar hunting. It made my heart sing. 
• The squirrels. Particularly the young squirrel with the thin bottle brush tail who loved playing with Lulu. His tail is unusual and I have watched him since he was a baby. He quickly learned to play with Lulu - more like taunt her so she'd chase him along the fence line. One time she actually tried to follow him up the oak tree - it was quite a sight, this long dog with ears at attention and long front legs stretched up the tree carefully balancing on her hind legs. Oh the routine those two had worked out. The little squirrel would come to the French doors so Lulu would see him and poof, let the fun begin. They both loved it. The little squirrel continues their routine, still flicking his tail toward the window as he hangs down from the tree and comes to the door a few times a week looking for his playmate. For a rodent, he is pretty brilliant. 

I have spent three years here at Stepford. I have never been one to get attached to a house, but Stepford is different. For all the fun I poke at Stepford, these brick walls and concrete floors have been my home and helped to form me, to heal me, to grow me. I never thought I would be this emotional. I remind myself of all the goodness that was born here, the wonderful memories that will sustain me.

put your right foot in

Here's hoping that today's note from the universe goes down as some excellent foreshadowing....

It's been so long, Pats, I'm quite sure you've forgotten our secret handshake, haven't you?

Hmmmm...

How about our code for saying, "I love you"?

Dang...

Then I doubt you'll recall my solemn promise to let you know once you began approaching exactly the right time and exactly the right place, with enough life lessons under your belt to enable you to finally stop struggling, start soaring, and begin living the life of your wildest dreams?

Well, if not, the following might not make much sense:

"You're getting hot! Steaming hot! Really HOT!! Ouch, you're so hot! Smoking, red-hot-chili-pepper, volcano, extremely, DOUBLE-HOT! HOT! HOT! NOW, Pats, NOW-W-W-W-W-W-W!"

I $l%o^v1e you,
    The Universe

the best laid plans

The last few days have been eventful around here. For one thing, I did not cry about Lulu yesterday. While that was a huge milestone for me, my Lulu was sidestepped by the events of Wednesday that bled into yesterday.

I had a holiday party to attend and was dreading it. When I spoke to Super Dad about it, he told me to ask one of my male friends to go with me (remember this key point). I thought about it and agreed. This would be a great way to stop the unwanted advances of a small handful of dirty old men. I asked The Courier if he'd join me and he agreed.

As the party neared, I was excited. Excited I wouldn't have to face the party alone. Excited that a man wanted to go with me. I haven't been excited like this in a long time. A long time. 

The day finally arrives and The Courier and I went to the party. As we walked through the door, he was hanging back. I reached back to grab The Courier's hand to bring him up next to me. Dirty Old Man #1 immediately eyes this and does not speak to me. Touchdown! 

We worked our way through the room. Enjoyed our cocktails, enjoyed each other. I had such a wonderful time. I truly enjoyed being with The Courier. It was wonderful to be with a man. Especially one who is into me. We were a bit tipsy and headed back to his place. From there, my long drought came to an end and it was great. 

My great night changed course at 11 AM yesterday when I received the following text message from Super Dad, "Do me a big favor Patsy, don't call me or bother with me again!!!" From there, Super Dad proceed to hang up on me when I tried call him. Seriously, WTF?! I know without a doubt, Dirty Old Man #1 called Super Dad to report that I had a man with me. Why? Because Dirty Old Man #1 was upset and he had to vent because he had been really trying to woo me (unsuccessfully) since July.

When I honestly look back at the landscape of Super Dad and I, our relationship, and I use that term loosely, was done in May 2010. We haven't seen each other in eons. Phone calls alone do not cut it and even those have significantly waned too. Lord knows I have ranted enough about it here. Super Dad and I are simply friends, really good friends.

Clearly, we are not on the same page. After all, bringing a male friend to keep the unwanted male attention corralled was Super Dad's idea. Not being an active part of my life was also Super Dad's conscious decision. I don't think punishing me and acting like a twelve year old boy is the answer. 

Oh well. That chapter is closed. 

I don't regret a single moment of being with The Courier. In fact, I was thrilled to hear from him this morning. I don't remember the last time I was happy like this and I fully intend on enjoying it.

change of plans

As I watch Lulu peacefully sleeping, I think about the months long plans for today.

This morning I was supposed to get on a plane bound for New York, then on to Delhi reaching my final destination in Colombo, Sri Lanka.  After eight days seeing all there is to see and experience in Sri Lanka, I would head back to India to explore the country's southern half for a few weeks. I would completely disconnect from the world. Immerse myself in a magical country. Recharge after a long hard year. Once again celebrate my birthday in a foreign land.

Those plans and plane tickets were cancelled shortly after Lulu broke her leg. I knew I could no leave her while she was still recovering. I cancelled the trip not knowing the road would get more complicated with the amputation and subsequent brush with death.

Would I change my decision? Hell no. I need to be here with my little girl. This morning she sneaked into the office closet where her treats live and helped herself to two big bones. Striding from the office to the great room, Lulu kept her eyes straight ahead walked by me like she was invisible. Those are the antics of my perfectly healthy Lulu.

So while my heart isn't swelling with the anticipation and excitement of getting on a plane to destinations unknown, I am filled with happiness and true joy that my little hound girl is finally back to herself. Sri Lanka and India will always be there, my time with my baby hound girl is finite (Lord knows this was a huge reminder) and I rearranged my priorities based on that understanding.

be careful what you wish for

Super Dad bought his airline ticket and will be visiting me next month. We haven't seen each other since May. So you'd thinking I would be overjoyed awaiting his arrival. Oddly, though, I am rather indifferent.

I am truly surprised at my reaction, or lack of reaction at this news. Super Dad and I speak almost daily, sometimes several times daily. I have whined ad nauseum about not seeing Super Dad. So what is this disconnect?!

I am fairly certain our buddy, fear is driving my turtle-hiding-in-my-shell behavior. After all this time and all the medical drama, what is he going to look like? Is Super Dad going to be different as a result? How will I feel when I see him? What will our time together be like? Will his physical problems dominate? Am I going to be disappointed? What is the outcome going to be?

I am trying to put the questions to the back and simply be ready to see Super Dad. To enjoy our time together.

lessons learned applied

The most important lessons I learned during my marriage and subsequent divorce are to never say never and never make any assumptions or judgements. I never thought I'd be deceived and led to the path of divorced. I never thought that my divorce would be judged so harshly by bystanders assuming that I was the problem and The Leech was innocent. No one outside our failed marriage truly knows the hell I endured; hence, I make no assumptions because unless I am in your kitchen night after night, I don't know what truly goes on behind your closed door. After all, we can all be Oscar caliber actresses, if we really try to play our societal role with passion.

About a year after my divorce, a few girlfriends harassed me into trying on-line dating. Fearlessly I put myself out there meeting frog after frog, until I met Montana Man and I thought I truly found bliss. The Montana Man story played out it's sad song and I swore off internet dating. I said never again.

Never again turned into trying it again briefly last fall. I hadn't been on a date in forever and thought maybe it would be different in Texas. I had to recant my already learned lesson of never saying never because I gave online dating another go. I hate being a hypocrite and had to fess up to a few friends that I had recanted my moratorium on this arena; which was another marriage and divorce lesson: happily owning my share of the responsibility in failure (or in this case, recanting my "never" statement).

The internet dating fiasco is referred to as such because it was a fiasco. While I did not quoteth nevermore, I haven't pursued it until recently when I simply trolled around a little bit. Sadly though, my heart simply is not in it. I look because I am know I am ready for something but I don't want to put the effort into meeting someone (no matter what the ad or photos say) that has misrepresented himself. I am tired of the weeding process. I am tired of panning for gold because I only find a pile of dirty old rocks.

Of course, you may be confused because Super Dad is in the tapestry of my life. He is and he isn't. I have not seen the man otherwise known as Super Dad since the end of May. We are now entering what I can officially deem as the END. OF. SEPTEMBER.

Sure Super Dad has been battling his physical aliments. He's spent quality time at the Mayo Clinic day spa; not to mention plenty of money for that Mayo visit. But absence can only make the Patsy heart grow fonder for so long. We are officially entering the out-of-sight-out-of-mind phase. Yes, he calls me several times a day. But phone calls cannot make up for staring at each other's eyeballs. To be honest, I am not even concerned with the concept of sex. I miss simply seeing him. I miss hearing "you look beautiful today". I miss spending time with him. I miss running to Starbucks with him. I miss him and the basic daily human interaction piece of the love equation that has been missing for four months.

There are a few things I know for sure along with my previously mentioned marriage/divorce lessons and another insight I gained is that a telephone does not replace or equate to spending time with a potential mate-like person. Yes, Super Dad's lapse in physical health has become a big factor and maybe it will be a deciding factor. But I haven't seen him in four months. I asked him to come out here to spend some time with me and away from his house as I truly feeling the change of scenery will do wonders for him. To date, he has made zero progress in securing a ticket. All I get is lip service.

Another thing I learned from my marriage that was a leading factor in the divorce decision - words are meaningless; actions are everything. It is all about the follow through. If Super Dad doesn't feel well enough, then come clean with me - be honest - be truthful - but don't string me along because you "still haven't gotten your colonoscopy scheduled". Seriously?! This girl starts smelling rats when the words and actions go in paths that run counter to each other. Honesty goes much further with me than telling me what you think I want to hear. I am too smart, no matter what your motive is (i.e., to protect me), to fall for pretty words strung together with catch phrases like "I miss you", "Don't mesmerize any Peruvian men", and "Come home to Atlanta". Statements like that need to followed up with "When exactly do you want me to come out to see you" or "I would prefer to stay in Atlanta near my doctors but you come out here instead".

Maybe men don't work like that though. Maybe it is a Mars versus Venus thing. Maybe I am too much of a straight shooter - direct, to the point. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. A whole lot of maybes. A whole lot of rationalizations. A bunch of excuses. But at the end of the day, I see the outcome, regardless of the words, is the same: no plans to see each other in the month of September. As a extension of September, my October was basically booked before we got together. The honest answer is that our next real opportunity to spend time together is mid-November. At that point, it will be six months since we will have seen each other and honestly I don't know that I can build a relationship on that.

I suppose the old saying is correct - hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Or more importantly, I am applying my lessons learned - the words and the actions are not adding up which leads to serious speculation. When is Prince Charming going to knock on my door?

struggles

Tonight Super Dad and I spoke for awhile. My day had a few ups and downs; sadly, his day was all downs. I was the only phone call he would accept tonight. Yes, his day was that bad. A bad day when bad things just mount on top of each other in rapid succession. It is in those moments, when I learn about this upheaval in full motion that I find myself wondering about "us".

Why? Because I am not there physically present there for him. I am a voice on the phone, not a pair of eyes to look into. I am a voice on the phone, not someone who can hug him. I am a voice on the phone who cannot hold his hand while I reassure him that everything will be okay. I am a thirty minute phone call, not a regular presence.

Balancing Act

Welcome to the world of introspection. 

Latest topic swirling around in my brain is balance. Not inner ear, vertigo balance. I am talking about work-life balance. Particularly the fact that I have none. All work. No life. Where is the balance in that?! 

Work and various other little health issues (to be discussed later) have meant that is has been six weeks since Super Dad and I have seen each other. My life centers around work these days and the drain is truly getting to me. 

I basically picked up my little non-existent Colorado life over three years ago and planted myself in Austin. All prompted by my job, seeking a land of opportunity. While things have been super peachy in the job realm, my personal life has suffered since the fall. Prior to and since coming down here, I have not had a proper relationship with a man. There was the delusion of The Southern Gentleman for awhile. But I haven't met anyone down here. 

Then enter Super Dad stage right. Because of our profession, work related travel is a necessary evil. But with that understanding, that I am on the road, how do I have a "normal" relationship? How do I have a relationship that is not long distance? And no, the answer is not 'find a new job'. 

I sit here realizing I have and continue to give my whole self to a company. That is pretty messed up. I need to start reclaiming my life without sacrificing my hard earned success. And that is the hard part - tempering my drive for success without paying for it with my blood and little pieces of my soul. 

I don't know to accomplish this; it is a road I've never traveled on. But there is more to me than the life sucking vampire project. I would love to see if Super Dad and I could make a go of it. I would love to be able to come home to him and ask "how was your day?" - in person and not over the mobile phone. 

Maybe this means I am finally ready to settle down and be a touch domesticated. Or maybe it is just the random musings of a physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted girl. I just know there has to be more to life than work - sleep - repeat. I need to remember what balance looks like and find it again.

too

Long hours lead to long days. I see no end in sight.

Too much work.

Too little time.

Caring too much.

Wanting much more.

Driven to shine.

I hope one day soon, in some fashion, all these hours I put in (from before sun up until well after sun down) pays off in a spectacular way!

and i'm the bearded lady

Clearly, the carnival is in town.

Because my life feels like a three ring circus.

The Doctor arrives at the beginning of next month. The Southern Gentleman at the end of next month.

And then... Montana Man told me this morning that he might have to come down here on a business trip next month. I am hoping that does not materialize.

December is shaping up to be the polar opposite of November!