20 September 2010

lessons learned applied

The most important lessons I learned during my marriage and subsequent divorce are to never say never and never make any assumptions or judgements. I never thought I'd be deceived and led to the path of divorced. I never thought that my divorce would be judged so harshly by bystanders assuming that I was the problem and The Leech was innocent. No one outside our failed marriage truly knows the hell I endured; hence, I make no assumptions because unless I am in your kitchen night after night, I don't know what truly goes on behind your closed door. After all, we can all be Oscar caliber actresses, if we really try to play our societal role with passion.

About a year after my divorce, a few girlfriends harassed me into trying on-line dating. Fearlessly I put myself out there meeting frog after frog, until I met Montana Man and I thought I truly found bliss. The Montana Man story played out it's sad song and I swore off internet dating. I said never again.

Never again turned into trying it again briefly last fall. I hadn't been on a date in forever and thought maybe it would be different in Texas. I had to recant my already learned lesson of never saying never because I gave online dating another go. I hate being a hypocrite and had to fess up to a few friends that I had recanted my moratorium on this arena; which was another marriage and divorce lesson: happily owning my share of the responsibility in failure (or in this case, recanting my "never" statement).

The internet dating fiasco is referred to as such because it was a fiasco. While I did not quoteth nevermore, I haven't pursued it until recently when I simply trolled around a little bit. Sadly though, my heart simply is not in it. I look because I am know I am ready for something but I don't want to put the effort into meeting someone (no matter what the ad or photos say) that has misrepresented himself. I am tired of the weeding process. I am tired of panning for gold because I only find a pile of dirty old rocks.

Of course, you may be confused because Super Dad is in the tapestry of my life. He is and he isn't. I have not seen the man otherwise known as Super Dad since the end of May. We are now entering what I can officially deem as the END. OF. SEPTEMBER.

Sure Super Dad has been battling his physical aliments. He's spent quality time at the Mayo Clinic day spa; not to mention plenty of money for that Mayo visit. But absence can only make the Patsy heart grow fonder for so long. We are officially entering the out-of-sight-out-of-mind phase. Yes, he calls me several times a day. But phone calls cannot make up for staring at each other's eyeballs. To be honest, I am not even concerned with the concept of sex. I miss simply seeing him. I miss hearing "you look beautiful today". I miss spending time with him. I miss running to Starbucks with him. I miss him and the basic daily human interaction piece of the love equation that has been missing for four months.

There are a few things I know for sure along with my previously mentioned marriage/divorce lessons and another insight I gained is that a telephone does not replace or equate to spending time with a potential mate-like person. Yes, Super Dad's lapse in physical health has become a big factor and maybe it will be a deciding factor. But I haven't seen him in four months. I asked him to come out here to spend some time with me and away from his house as I truly feeling the change of scenery will do wonders for him. To date, he has made zero progress in securing a ticket. All I get is lip service.

Another thing I learned from my marriage that was a leading factor in the divorce decision - words are meaningless; actions are everything. It is all about the follow through. If Super Dad doesn't feel well enough, then come clean with me - be honest - be truthful - but don't string me along because you "still haven't gotten your colonoscopy scheduled". Seriously?! This girl starts smelling rats when the words and actions go in paths that run counter to each other. Honesty goes much further with me than telling me what you think I want to hear. I am too smart, no matter what your motive is (i.e., to protect me), to fall for pretty words strung together with catch phrases like "I miss you", "Don't mesmerize any Peruvian men", and "Come home to Atlanta". Statements like that need to followed up with "When exactly do you want me to come out to see you" or "I would prefer to stay in Atlanta near my doctors but you come out here instead".

Maybe men don't work like that though. Maybe it is a Mars versus Venus thing. Maybe I am too much of a straight shooter - direct, to the point. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. A whole lot of maybes. A whole lot of rationalizations. A bunch of excuses. But at the end of the day, I see the outcome, regardless of the words, is the same: no plans to see each other in the month of September. As a extension of September, my October was basically booked before we got together. The honest answer is that our next real opportunity to spend time together is mid-November. At that point, it will be six months since we will have seen each other and honestly I don't know that I can build a relationship on that.

I suppose the old saying is correct - hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Or more importantly, I am applying my lessons learned - the words and the actions are not adding up which leads to serious speculation. When is Prince Charming going to knock on my door?


Anonymous said...

Phew! That is a lot to deal with. But you have to take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone else. So do what feeds you. Makes Patsy the best Patsy there is and the lucky boys will get to join her party.

Rachel Mae said...

I have a blog post about the fantastic human ability to show the fake while hiding the real. Families are great at it. Sisters, Brothers, Aunts, Cousins, Husbands, Wives. Some people are so great at lying that I think they litterally believe the lies they're telling as truth. Hang in there. You have gained strength through your troubles. And you know what things to look out for.