disbelief

disbelief  [dis-bi-leef] 

noun

1. the inability or refusal to believe or to accept something as true.

2. amazement; astonishment

This morning I still find myself in a state of disbelief regarding SuperDad's phone call. While the call itself was unexpected, his approach to the conversation and many of his statements simply blew me away as I never thought he, of all people, would be capable of forgiveness and compassion. 

He proudly shared with me that he's lost 40 pounds, going to quit smoking, physical health issues are nearly gone, selling his home, and getting his beach property. I was happy to hear things have turned around for him in the past seven months. He also shared he had been dating someone but broke it off once she wanted something more permanent. 

Then he said he missed me. That he thought we'd been good together. But he also realized that he hadn't made any effort to see me and he shouldn't have expected me to sit at home knitting every night waiting for something that wasn't happening. Then he said, "I just treat it like a dream." 

Never in a million years did I ever think I would hear anything remotely like that. Never.


But that doesn't change anything for me. Strangely enough, I have no desire to go back there. I simply don't want to go backwards. We can be friends just as we had been for some time, but nothing more than that. I genuinely like SuperDad and I do care about him but purely platonic.

and hell froze over

Thanks to my little buddy Skype I had a notification that today was SuperDad's birthday.

I debated and then proceeded to send him a simple "wishing you a happy birthday" text.

Shortly thereafter, the phone rang.

The caller ID read: SuperDad.

We spoke for an hour.

I was not expecting that phone call at all.

In fact, I am still in shock.

dead to him

Ah, we must discuss the ridiculousness of last night's conversation with Super Dad.

So I found out from a friend on Sunday that my "date" and I were a little kissy at the party. I am half surprised but yet half not because we all know Patsy without food and plenty of liquor can lead to things.

Clearly others cannot laugh about some innocent drunk kissing.

So I called Super Dad last night because I too am a stubborn Italian half-breed and also because I now know why he was bent out of shape. Much to my surprise he picked up the phone and barked "what do you want?"

He was very stoic and his ears were closed. His stubborn mind made up and he was not listening to anything. I told him I learned on Sunday why he was upset (and quite frankly between you and me, I don't remember that part). I was honest. He was shut down. He claims I made it clear to everyone, in fact, I flaunted the fact I was with someone, and that he "certainly hopes that this man is worth it".

I corrected him on that assumption - remember bringing a man was his idea - and I wanted to make it clear to everyone that I was "with" someone. Why? Because I am so fucking sick and tired of Ass Grabber and Ass Grabber Jr making aggressive moves on me and in fact I did take it too far with the aid of my fall back behavior of nervousness and forgetting to eat due to said nerves equals Patsy drinking more than she should. My shy nervousness at uncomfortable situations makes that happen - not an excuse, as I explained to him, but a reaction I am trying to learn to control.

I asked him how he could live any sort of life if his sole answer is to radically cut out anyone and everyone from his life that committed a perceived wrong. I told him that regardless I would never stop caring about him and would always wonder how he was doing. He told me that he had cared about me a great deal but that I shouldn't worry because I would find someone else to care about me. As if that was the point of this whole thing!?!

I asked him straight out if there could be any form of fruitful negotiation and he emphatically stated no. He told me that if I was seeing someone else I should have just told him; clearly he'd filled in his own story line. I asked him how he could listen to Ass Grabber's stories to which he replied that he hadn't heard from Ass Grabber but that others had made phone calls to tell him of the show I put on. Honestly, I don't believe that.... I truly believe it was Ass Grabber because supposedly no one has his phone number and secondly who else at the office would give a flying fuck... maybe one chick but that is purely from a place of jealousy too.

I called him out on his Italian stubbornness and asked him if he thinks shutting important people out of his life on a whim is worth being alone. With that he said, I made my choice, that he had truly cared about me but I made my choice and he can't trust liars.

My goal was not to "get back together" but to maintain civility; after all, we are good friends. That isn't going to happen because he hung up on me when he was done tolerating me. But then again, we already knew the way the story would end.

Wackiness my dears, pure and simple wackiness....

quick update

before i run out the door for the day, just a quick update on super dad.

after a week and a half of silence, i finally heard from him. he was in the hospital. the entire time.

the leopard shows his spots

yesterday served as a marker. it has been exactly a week since i last spoke with super dad.

last thursday there was only an exchange of voicemail. the following day was complete and utter radio silence. i have called and left messages on both his home and mobile phones to no avail. since the voicemail boxes are not full, he is checking messages. just not returning my calls.

disappointed doesn't even begin to cover my feelings on this silence. we are old enough not to play these childish games. love me enough to tell me that we need a break. but don't simply disappear off the radar. it is not fair to disappear after he was in the hospital over night earlier last week. i was so very worried about the man i love.

but my worry and concern has moved to disappointment and is rapidly entering the anger zone.

test and dev environment

I missed Super Dad terribly when he left Texas last May. But since he came and went a few short weeks ago, I miss him even more. Contrary to my typical behavior pattern, I have freely told Super Dad that I miss him. No holding back, no games, no fear; just like my martinis: straight up.

Long ago, Super Dad coined a term for being under my spell; he calls it being "patsyized".  So below is a text message exchange from the other day.

Me: Is this what it is like to be patsyized? I miss you too much.
Super Dad:  Darling, Patsyized has been around for hundreds of years. It has affected many people especially me. I love you. Being SuperDadized is only a theory. Not in production yet. Miss you baby.

I cannot wait until test and development are over and we move on into full-blown production.

flying into love

"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt...if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."

Compliments of Douglas Adams'  The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy... ah, the insights on flying are pretty grand.

buzzing forward

I am shocked how quickly this week has buzzed by. This time last week I was excitedly awaiting Friday and Super Dad's arrival. Now, in the blink of an eye, a whole week has passed. Time keeps moving forward.

The sheets no longer carry his scent. I am alone on the couch. Have not heard "I love you" in the early morning before I even open my eyes. The house is quiet and my solitude here is palpable.

If I could move to Atlanta right now, I would. But alas, it is not that easy. I am committed to at least one more year down here in Austin. This time next year is most likely my first opportunity to bounce out. Before the irrational part of me chimes in with "a year might as well be an eon", I know that as quickly as this week has charged by, so too has the first quarter of this year and ultimately a year truly isn't that long in the big picture. We will be together soon enough. I get to use this year to enjoy the best of Austin before moving on to my next exciting adventure.

Return of Super Dad

After nearly ten months of separation, Super Dad came to Austin for the weekend. The past three days were fabulous; quite honestly, it was even better than I could have imagined. We are a great team and get on like a house fire. Despite the huge gap in seeing each other, we were immediately and seamlessly in sync.

I found myself smiling so much my cheeks hurts, laughing more than usual and overall being disgustingly happy. The ease I feel around Super Dad baffles me. I can completely be myself, uncensored, unafraid, genuine.

We talked about a lot over the weekend, especially deep conversations occurred on Sunday afternoon. Super Dad’s statements were all future oriented, specifically our future together. Choices were the common theme: where to live, marriage versus committed relationship; Super Dad laid out all things he wanted me to decide when I am ready. The repetitive theme was all that matters is that he is with me.

And so there are pros and cons to be weighed and decisions to be made. Part of me is leery of this giddy happiness, that it might be causing temporary blindness; but the other part is telling me that I won’t know unless I jump in. During this, the Southern Gentleman’s antenna have sensed my happiness and there was an email from the Southern Gentleman in my mailbox this morning. Ten years of ambiguity with the Southern Gentleman versus one year of healthy, growing momentum with Super Dad.

I circle back to Super Dad’s determination to get better, his statements of getting back to making big bucks so we can enjoy our city home together and a beachfront condo too. We feed off each other in positive ways. Separately we light up a room, together sunglasses are required. Super Dad checks every box on my must-have list. I need some time to digest this weekend, to savor it, to synthesize it. 

courses

Remember my giddy happiness at Super Dad's impending arrival?

Remember I was counting down the days?

All that is done now. Super Dad will not be arriving on Thursday afternoon. 

During our conversation on Friday night, I mentioned that he would be here at this time next week. Super Dad was insistent that he was arriving in two weeks as next weekend he has his son. After Super Dad confirmed that his ticket is indeed for 10 Feb, he inquired with his ex-wife as to swapping weekends. Of course, his ex-wife has "plans" with her husband that weekend and cannot possibly keep their almost seventeen year old son.

I am surrounded by disappointed. A ticket is lost as well as a long overdue weekend together. Just when I start feeling revitalized about our relationship, another barrier is raised. Regardless of the man, I am growing incredibly tired of the constant hurdles. In Shakespeare's immortal words 'the course of true love never did run smooth', all my courses, true love, sorta love, or not love, are thwarted with landmines. I am ready to put my flack jacket away and enjoy a smooth newly paved road.

yea, though i walk along the ridge

I walk along a narrow, winding ridge in the valley of men. Super Dad continues to keep me company along the way. He is super sweet and genuinely cares about me. Honestly, if it wasn't for his mystery illness, I would be there with him. 100%. But until Super Dad can get back to leading a normal, fully engaged life, I cannot commit myself. I must be true to me. I must continue my active life and I need a partner that can take life head-on with me.

I haven't been able to disengage with Super Dad because I keep believing this mystery illness is temporary. That it is simply a matter of finding the right doctor because the cause is so easy to diagnose. Why must the cure be so elusive? I don't know if I am doing either of us more harm than good.

Lately Super Dad has been throwing in marriage comments into random parts of our conversations. A simple example of a day when I am not into playing along:
Patsy:  I had the day from hell. People are stupid.
Super Dad:  You can't solve the world's problems, honey, but you should seriously consider marrying me.
Patsy:  *blinks at phone* What does that have to do with anything?
Super Dad:  Everything. You should seriously consider marrying me.

I have been rather baffled at the frequency of this "marry me" chatter. It feels so abrupt. Almost in the vein of "marry me because I am going to die in six months". But I know Super Dad's problem is not fatal. Inconvenient, yes. A complete and utter annoying pain, literally and figuratively.

The next time Super Dad broaches the big "m" word, I am going to inquire as to the root of this obsession. I should stop trying to read between the lines and just find out the answer. My balance is good, my feet are stable along the ridge. I will inquire about what drives certain topic in the valley of men.

warning: october ice storm

A silly little drunk text on Saturday evening led to Super Dad sending me a whopper of a nasty text on Sunday afternoon. A nasty text that cut through me. Ah! The infinite power of words.

I haven't spoken to him since; however, I decided to overlook my stubborn scorpio ways and place a call to Super Dad a few minutes ago.

His voice. The lightness, the happiness was gone. He only asked a few questions about work and quickly ended the call.

His voice is still ringing through my mind. It was so completely different, so completely dead.

I find myself much sadder than I anticipated I would be at this very moment.

I knew Super Dad could be cold but I honestly thought he would never show me the full wrath of his ice storm.

While I may be strong on the outside, I truly am a very sensitive person. I am extraordinarily protective of who and what I let in. I don't know what hurts worse - the written words or the cold tone.

I wish there was some way I could tie this up with a pretty little bow, singing that the sun will come out tomorrow, and onward ho! And, yes, the warm Texas sun will be in full force tomorrow and the day after that too. I simply wish that I could face the world with such perennial optimism again, but I feel myself growing jaded and I don't want to be.

lessons learned applied

The most important lessons I learned during my marriage and subsequent divorce are to never say never and never make any assumptions or judgements. I never thought I'd be deceived and led to the path of divorced. I never thought that my divorce would be judged so harshly by bystanders assuming that I was the problem and The Leech was innocent. No one outside our failed marriage truly knows the hell I endured; hence, I make no assumptions because unless I am in your kitchen night after night, I don't know what truly goes on behind your closed door. After all, we can all be Oscar caliber actresses, if we really try to play our societal role with passion.

About a year after my divorce, a few girlfriends harassed me into trying on-line dating. Fearlessly I put myself out there meeting frog after frog, until I met Montana Man and I thought I truly found bliss. The Montana Man story played out it's sad song and I swore off internet dating. I said never again.

Never again turned into trying it again briefly last fall. I hadn't been on a date in forever and thought maybe it would be different in Texas. I had to recant my already learned lesson of never saying never because I gave online dating another go. I hate being a hypocrite and had to fess up to a few friends that I had recanted my moratorium on this arena; which was another marriage and divorce lesson: happily owning my share of the responsibility in failure (or in this case, recanting my "never" statement).

The internet dating fiasco is referred to as such because it was a fiasco. While I did not quoteth nevermore, I haven't pursued it until recently when I simply trolled around a little bit. Sadly though, my heart simply is not in it. I look because I am know I am ready for something but I don't want to put the effort into meeting someone (no matter what the ad or photos say) that has misrepresented himself. I am tired of the weeding process. I am tired of panning for gold because I only find a pile of dirty old rocks.

Of course, you may be confused because Super Dad is in the tapestry of my life. He is and he isn't. I have not seen the man otherwise known as Super Dad since the end of May. We are now entering what I can officially deem as the END. OF. SEPTEMBER.

Sure Super Dad has been battling his physical aliments. He's spent quality time at the Mayo Clinic day spa; not to mention plenty of money for that Mayo visit. But absence can only make the Patsy heart grow fonder for so long. We are officially entering the out-of-sight-out-of-mind phase. Yes, he calls me several times a day. But phone calls cannot make up for staring at each other's eyeballs. To be honest, I am not even concerned with the concept of sex. I miss simply seeing him. I miss hearing "you look beautiful today". I miss spending time with him. I miss running to Starbucks with him. I miss him and the basic daily human interaction piece of the love equation that has been missing for four months.

There are a few things I know for sure along with my previously mentioned marriage/divorce lessons and another insight I gained is that a telephone does not replace or equate to spending time with a potential mate-like person. Yes, Super Dad's lapse in physical health has become a big factor and maybe it will be a deciding factor. But I haven't seen him in four months. I asked him to come out here to spend some time with me and away from his house as I truly feeling the change of scenery will do wonders for him. To date, he has made zero progress in securing a ticket. All I get is lip service.

Another thing I learned from my marriage that was a leading factor in the divorce decision - words are meaningless; actions are everything. It is all about the follow through. If Super Dad doesn't feel well enough, then come clean with me - be honest - be truthful - but don't string me along because you "still haven't gotten your colonoscopy scheduled". Seriously?! This girl starts smelling rats when the words and actions go in paths that run counter to each other. Honesty goes much further with me than telling me what you think I want to hear. I am too smart, no matter what your motive is (i.e., to protect me), to fall for pretty words strung together with catch phrases like "I miss you", "Don't mesmerize any Peruvian men", and "Come home to Atlanta". Statements like that need to followed up with "When exactly do you want me to come out to see you" or "I would prefer to stay in Atlanta near my doctors but you come out here instead".

Maybe men don't work like that though. Maybe it is a Mars versus Venus thing. Maybe I am too much of a straight shooter - direct, to the point. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. A whole lot of maybes. A whole lot of rationalizations. A bunch of excuses. But at the end of the day, I see the outcome, regardless of the words, is the same: no plans to see each other in the month of September. As a extension of September, my October was basically booked before we got together. The honest answer is that our next real opportunity to spend time together is mid-November. At that point, it will be six months since we will have seen each other and honestly I don't know that I can build a relationship on that.

I suppose the old saying is correct - hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Or more importantly, I am applying my lessons learned - the words and the actions are not adding up which leads to serious speculation. When is Prince Charming going to knock on my door?

is this the end?

I sit here tonight wondering if my time with Super Dad is over. I find that I am no longer concerned when he does not call. My heart doesn't go pitter-pat when phone does ring. I am simply lukewarm.

Maybe my attitude is due to the illness. Maybe because we haven't seen each other in three months. I don't know. I find myself wondering about my intense love of travel and his seeming indifference. I am over the moon regarding my upcoming South America and North Africa adventures; Super Dad hasn't said about either.

Of course, at the ranch, various ranchers discuss their marriages and I find myself thinking "I wouldn't respond to that in that manner" and often times find myself saying "that's why I am alone." Fast-forward to the very thought of Super Dad and I cohabiting and I can see danger flares. Our approach to our dogs is vastly different. My Lulu is my baby, my child that passionately protect and care for; Super Dad's dog is exactly that - a dog, who is on a rigid schedule in all aspects of his boring little canine life. Flower Children versus Military Lock-down. Two vastly different worlds that are fairly comfortable in their separate worlds.

I think between the Mayo stuff, the Edina Debacle (to be discussed later), truly looking at what life is like in Atlanta, and simply being exhausted has me honestly second guessing the Super Dad affair. Maybe everything will become clear when I am oxygen deprived in Andes.

pop! goes the champagne cork!

Since Friday, there has been emotional upheaval everywhere. I won't get into it all right now because I simply don't have the energy for unnecessary drama anymore.

But in goodness, today was Super Dad's first full day at the Mayo. While there were some moments for concern, at the end of it all, the Mayo was all positive goodness. I was relieved during our early evening phone call. Based on the story relayed to me, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It makes me so happy for him.

The prospect of a life with manageable pain. Answers as opposed to narcotics. Living life to its fullest again. That is what Super Dad needs, what he truly does deserve. I am grateful tonight. I am thankful tonight. Here is my little Austin bungalow tonight, I celebrated with champagne. Because hope is everything.

struggles

Tonight Super Dad and I spoke for awhile. My day had a few ups and downs; sadly, his day was all downs. I was the only phone call he would accept tonight. Yes, his day was that bad. A bad day when bad things just mount on top of each other in rapid succession. It is in those moments, when I learn about this upheaval in full motion that I find myself wondering about "us".

Why? Because I am not there physically present there for him. I am a voice on the phone, not a pair of eyes to look into. I am a voice on the phone, not someone who can hug him. I am a voice on the phone who cannot hold his hand while I reassure him that everything will be okay. I am a thirty minute phone call, not a regular presence.

up and down

Good news!

Super Dad's case has been accepted to the Mayo! He will be scheduled next week! Absolutely wonderful news after a hellacious week. Something is finally on the upswing. Much needed after a downers morning of a draining week.

More later as I am utterly and completely exhausted.

the pain of super dad

I know what I am about to write is a conversation I need to have with Super Dad. But for some reason, I haven't been able to conduct this exchange yet. I suppose because I don't want it to be real but it is as it is impacted both Super Dad's life and therefore my life as well.

Super Dad is sick. You see, five or six years ago, Super Dad had prostrate cancer and it was removed via laparoscopic surgery. As a result of this surgery, Super Dad endured pain attacks because several nerve bundles were damaged - so much for state of the art. Around the office, people always stated Super Dad had a super pain tolerance as he was constantly in pain. I never inquired as to the details.

As our relationship evolved, Super Dad told me about the initial bout of prostrate cancer and the resulting pain. He shared that he'd had surgery at the Jacksonville Mayo Clinic about 1 1/2 years ago for the resulting pain and that did the trick.

Mid-June the radiating pain came back and it is back with a vengeance. He hasn't been able to work or find pills that work to dull the pain without knocking him out and rendering him useless. Two weeks ago, Super Dad finally shared with the depth of the situation - he has a minimum of one pain attach daily that lasts for approximately four hours. During that time, he cannot move, sit up - basically he cannot do anything but lay there and ride it out. I had no idea. The pain is 50% worse than it was pre-Jacksonville surgery.

So here I sit in Austin, while he is battling this alone in Georgia. He has told me he doesn't want me to see him like this but I do not like him being alone. The best doctors in Georgia cannot provide him any answers or relief. As a result, Super Dad has started the process to be seen at the big Mayo Clinic. I hope beyond hope that the Mayo's best and brightest have a plan because living a life eating oxycontin is not the answer.

I never thought Super Dad and I would have a conversation where he would tell me "the side effect of these pills are that they will take years off my life". I am having a hard enough time processing the pain issue but to add that there is no answer and the feeble options carry deadly consequences, I simply want to scream.

Before Super Dad moved off our account in May, he told me that he wished we would have gotten together soon, that he wouldn't have bothered with the woman he was seeing around Thanksgiving and I would have lost Bolt sooner, so we would have had that much more time together. At the time I told him I looked at it as better late than never. But now with him being incapacitated to some level, I think back on his statement often.

While he is 18 years my senior and has this serious health issue, I keep coming back to how much fun we had together for six months, adding in the way he makes me laugh, he understands me, genuinely cares and loves me. None of us make it out of this alive. I ask myself would I rather know ten years of bliss and pure happiness than never have that wonderment in my life? I think about Alexander - how cancer struck him at 32 years old and his fabulous boyfriend has stayed by his side unwavering about the 'what ifs'. I always come back to the things I love about Super Dad and the way I feel when I hear his voice. I don't believe that this wonderful, long-awaited man would have been sent to cross my path briefly.

I despise the feeling of helplessness that is permeating me. We are far apart and I hate that I cannot just pop in on him after work to check on him; I cannot take him to his doctor appointments; I cannot be there daily to simply be there with him so he doesn't have to endure this alone. I feel that I am letting him down.

Nothing in my life is ever simple and straightforward. However, this time - just this one time - I truly wish it would be. I am ready for the happily ever after.

run forrest fun

Summer has officially arrived a few weeks early as it is supposed to hit 100 degrees each afternoon here this week. That level of extreme heat, compliments of the heat index, perfectly explains why I was drained of every drop of water when I went on my early evening jog around the block.

Yes, you read that correctly; I used the word jog in the same sentence as myself. Since living down here, I have been fascinated with running as so many people do that here, especially with the lake and all. I have tried to get a routine going in the past but trying to coordinate running buddy schedules proved problematic, so earlier this year I decided to do it on my own. I have been making little strides, slowly and steadily increasing my endurance; but most importantly I am actually establishing a semblance of regularity to my exercise schedule. Quite frankly, I am loving being in a routine again.

In other facets of my universe, I had a lovely chat with Super Dad last night. But the distance coupled without seeing each other is starting to grate on me a bit. Especially since we do not possess concrete plans on when we will see each other next. I remind myself there is a lot of upheaval at the moment, so I have to employ patience.

another mini-break

Memorial Day weekend I headed back out to see Super Dad. It was a fabulous weekend. I was sad to have to get back on the plane that Sunday eve. It was wonderful to be greeted at the airport by a man so very happy to see me. To wake up next to a smiling face. Falling asleep in his arms. Talking about a future together as if to be a conversation initiated and lead by Super Dad.

Once again, another good weekend together.

We each got caught up with work and did not make plans for this weekend. I am sad that we are not together tonight. However, as we spoke this evening, we decided to book tickets as to not be in this position again. I love that we tend to be on the same page at the same time. I cannot wait to see Super Dad again.