maybes

He avoided me all day.

Johnny never lets an opportunity to even simply pop his head in my office and say hi.

Today - post-text message - was pure avoidance.

Maybe I misread the road signs.

Maybe he rethought the situation.

Or maybe I am over thinking again.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe the maybes plague me more than they should.

the next phase

I do love my job. The project, the people, the commute, the paycheck. Simply everything. I dwell in amazement that I quite literally got everything I wanted with this job.

We all know I am slow when it comes to men, so the fact that I figured this situation out in less than a year is absolutely stellar. There is a man at Disneyland that is interested in me. He isn't some geeky cast-off or short strange guy, which is delightful. The attraction is mutual; however, he is vocal about it whereas I am not. He's got spunk, drive, and confidence, which makes me weak in the knees.

Yesterday he marched into my office while I was speaking with a co-worker and declared, "I need you." The co-worker instinctively scattered like a cockroach citing he didn't need to be around for this conversation. The declaration was only Johnny needed me to help him with an errand but he did so in such a way to deliver two messages with one sentence. Johnny does this a lot. He also finds any reason to be close to me, like millimeters away close. A prime example being that when we left to run the errand, he did not walk ahead of me as he was blocking the aisle way but instead made me brush past him.

Later in the afternoon, I was speaking to a co-worker. Johnny came up behind me, within millimeters once again, his front to my back and placed his face near mine.

Today, again, bright and early he was back at my desk asking me to run an errand with him. Then this afternoon when we were in the desk farm, Johnny was right there next to me with barely air moving between us and of course found an excuse to lean into me.

All this lead me to send Johnny a text after work today inquiring about a cocktail this week. He isn't going to make the first move, that is very clear because while he is very forward, he hasn't pulled the trigger. Only when I provide a bit of encouragement does he then kick it up a notch. For some reason, I need to be the instigator of this grand affair.

And so I did. The text was warmly received and immediately responded to.

The story unfolds and the adventure continues...

forks in the road

Life changed on Thursday 28 February. I dialed into a conference call where I was informed that I was laid off. 

Since late last summer, I had an inkling that if there was a layoff, I would be number one on the list due to incestuous nature of my current team. I knew I was the odd man out, which was precisely why I had been actively looking for an internal transfer. 

Needless to say, I hit the ground running from the moment I received the news. I started using my seventeen years of contacts at The Ranch to find another job. I have knocked on millions of doors and have jobs lined up. Just waiting for the green light of the reprieve.

Y'all have been around here long enough to know that patience is not my virtue. I was good up until last Friday because I was busy, active, making my future happen. Now I am in the wait mode and I don't operate well there. 

Compound that with being anxious about what-ifs, and I haven't been the most fun with Nelson. I have snapped at him, gone nuts about money and splitting of bills. I think last night Nelson finally had his fill with me. I think it is over with us. 

I don't know if I should apologize. Tales of people being unemployed for years got me tail-spun. Remembering the endless dead ends on jobs when I was working so damn hard at staying in Austin. Not a single phone call from Austin companies a few years ago only adds to my apprehension. Just the basic thought at the possibility of cutting back on everything and anything. All the what-ifs, the uncertainty. Idle hands make Patsy a crazy bitch. 

I find myself sad at the thought of no more Nelson. Yes, things he does do drive me batty. But by the same token, we laugh a lot when we're together. 

I worry that I have been alone too long. Being cut off for years has not made me a more flexible person. Do I let Nelson quietly float off into the sunset or do I try to work on things?  I admitted my wrongs, I know what I responsible for, my contributions to the problem. 

Right now I am facing my worst fear - not being able to successfully take care of myself - and this stare down is starting to break me down. I don't like how the vulnerability is swirling through my being. But I fear any attempt at explaining that to Nelson will only be looked upon as an excuse. 

I don't know what to do next. 

Sincerely, 
Lost and Alone in the Snow 

overload

For the past month or so, weekends have been jam-packed with activities. So much so that when Monday rolls in, I feel a sense of relief that my dull little routine will allow for some very necessary rest. This weekend proved no exception.

Continually busy, I simply rolled from commitment to commitment. While it was fun, I do need to be better about ensuring I do carve in weekend down time. I head out to wine country for a long weekend and think that will be just what the doctor ordered to help me establish balance once again.

Things with Nelson continue to be good. We went out on Friday evening and saw each other again on Saturday evening. Sunday morning he made pancakes for breakfast. He is super sweet but part of me fears that he is gearing up to get to serious once the turkey day festivities are over. A case in point is the conversation of his puppy and introducing said puppy to my girls, followed up with bringing the travel crate over. It is the travel crate portion that scares me because I don't want another dog, let alone a spastic puppy running around my house full time on the weekends. I suppose it all about the negotiation, right?  There is also a part of me that thinks I am simply looking for any excuse to cut bait, because when serious comes knocking at the door, this girl bolts.

We have fun. Time flies when we are together. He genuinely cares about me. I love that there aren't any games. Everything is straight-forward and honest. All characteristics I haven't known for an extremely long time. Maybe all I need is to breath deep, calm down and work my angst out here.

a pleasant surprise

This evening marks my sixth date with Nelson. This encounter has caught me by surprise as on the surface Nelson is not what I typically go far, specifically, he isn't tall. But oh is he nice, kind, and so sincere. Conversation flows so easily and time passes so quickly when we are together. It is wonderful.

I feel so at ease with him. There is none of the angst that I had clearly gotten so used to with the weirdness of The Southern Gentleman. I didn't realize how stifled I felt around The Southern Gentleman until this freedom became palpable with each conversation I have with Nelson.

On our first date, he arrived at my door with a pair of soft, fuzzy blue socks in hand. A little joke present for me since he endured my cold feet. He said he saw them at the store and knew I needed them. 

The night before the anniversary of Lulu's death was another of our dates. I found myself overcome with sadness and seriously considered cancelling on Nelson but decided against it. I got myself composed in time for his arrival, but he knew something was up as he inquired as soon as he walked through the door. I was able to live in the moment with him as opposed to remain in "that time" two years prior and we had a lovely time. When we returned to my house, I lost it a bit and the Lulu stories simply started flowing out of me. He was so wonderful throughout that as he understood because he lost his hound girl recently. With most people that would have been a last date, however, he continued to tell me he was so happy I shared that with him. He even sent me a lovely email and poem about it the following day.

Tonight, we are going out again. The second time this week and not the last. I am looking forward to seeing Nelson again tonight.

follow though, otherwise known as a refreshing change

This weekend I attended a few Halloween parties. I knew relatively no one at either, but I felt the need to get the sewing machine out and concoct a costume. Ah, how I love sewing. Especially when I have an idea and simply construct without a pattern. The perfect synergy of creativity and problem solving!

Because I wanted to wear my fabulous blue wig, there was only one costume choice: Katy Perry. I had a great time recreating her California Gurls' candy land dress. Luckily more people recognized who I was this year as opposed to my awesome J-Woww from last year.

During the second party, a man approached me. We talked for awhile and then I felt the need to circulate. During my circulation period, I later discovered that Nelson was busy obtaining G2 on me as well as imploring our mutual friend, Lonnie for assistance because he was not "looking for a hook up but wants to date her [me]." Nelson also expressed concern to Lonnie when he saw one of our married friends grab my bum. Lonnie explained it was one of out harmless marrieds.

Around 2 AM, I had to ditch the costume because the wig was simply making my head hurt and it was getting cold.  Nelson was back on it and we did have nice conversation. We ended up staying up until just short of 6 AM and then retired to the guest room.

I had no intention of sleeping with him, but I was surprised I didn't have to say anything because he beat me to the punch declaring that "there would be plenty of time for that later." I did a double take. While there was a bit of kissy face, there wasn't anything else. Poor guy even let me wear his socks to bed as I was fully clothed and still frozen, especially my feet.

He left mid-morning, delicately retrieving his socks. I stirred long enough to say good-bye and eat a few ibuprofen.  Since Lonnie and I had planned on post-party brunch and she was still dead to the world, I went back to bed.

I didn't stir again until the early afternoon. Lonnie and I enjoyed a thorough debrief of the events of the entire party. During this time, I received a few text messages from Nelson. Clearly, this man does not let any grass grow under his feet.

On Monday, I received more text messages from Nelson. One of which was inquiring if I was available on Wednesday or Thursday this week. Holy cow! I am not used to such behavior! When I told him that Thursday worked better, he replied that he would call me tonight to hash out a plan. A phone call?! Again, holy cow!

And Nelson did call. Of course, I missed it because I turned off the mobile ringer when I was at the gym and forgot to turn it back on afterwards. I snatched up my mobile to look up a word that was in a book I was reading and poof! I saw the missed call notification. He thought I lived on the south side of town and had a whole plan for that, so he was thrown for a curve ball when I clarified I lived on the north end, which is near him. So he will be picking me up at 7 PM on Thursday.

And the adventures continue...

grill on

Monday night has long passed and I still find myself in a rather dizzy place. The electricity between us is crazy. From the moment Mr. Manners and I first locked eyes that special instantaneous feeling, inkling I've only ever felt with The Southern Gentleman made its presence very much known, teetering on palpable. 

When he arrived at my threshold, Mr. Manners was dressed casual chic in his jeans and button down with flip flops and aviators. Oh the man can dress. I asked if he'd like a glass of wine before heading off to the store. He immediately said yes as he'd had a crazy day. Following me into the kitchen, Mr. Manners commented that he could see why I wanted to remodel my kitchen. We talked through my plans as the wine opened. I then took him on the grand tour of the house. 

We settled on the couch and he moved to be closer to me. Getting caught up on both of our busy weekends was fun. Off we went to the grocery store to pick up dinner. A few beef kabobs, chicken kabobs, green and red bell peppers, onion, avocados, and ice cream. The man opened the car door for me when we left the grocery. 

Back at my place, I peeled and prepped the avocados as a snack with a bit of sea salt sprinkled on top. He watched me intently. As I had suspected, this date contained several test elements for him. Of course, my poor little single gal's grill was a bit of a disappointment to him as there is no top rack. We worked well together. I like that I don't feel forced to make an effort. Everything simply flows. At least for me, my days of "being on my best behavior" are over; my philosophy is here I am, no surprises, take me or leave me but I am going to just be me. Throughout dinner preparation, Mr. Manners could occasional come over and kiss me. Oh la la. 

We enjoyed dinner al fresco under the stars. Just as we finished, rain began to fall so we went inside where he sat close to me on the couch and we finished our wine. 

We talked about so much the entire evening and I honestly find it scary at how on par we are with each other. Too many of my must haves on my proverbial list have been marked off with Mr. Manners. I find myself conflicted - too early to be bouncing off the walls but trying to keep the harsh cynic contained. Yet another fine line to delicately walk. 

I walked him out to his car where we kissed on the sidewalk like teenagers with raging hormones. The look in his eyes was so sincere the entire evening.  

Afterwards, I spoke with a good friend and she stated that the fact he didn't try to get in my pants demonstrates that he really likes me. When I think about it, I don't remember a man not trying to get it on after one date. We giggled at yet another reason why he truly is Mr. Manners.

oh! my! God!

Because I am so thoroughly excited, I cannot wait until morning.

Mr. Manners and I just finished date numero tres and oh, kiddos, another doozie.

And we were fully clothed!

He likes British television. He can cook. Loves his wine. He knows a Mercedes is called a Merc.

Honestly (thus far), Mr. Manners is everything I've ever dreamed for in a man. Kinda freaks me out to think that he was actually in my kitchen.

Only up from here, kids.  Only up.

Mas elaboration tomorrow. When I've had a chance to breathe.

another fab date night

Last night. 

It was fabulous. 

Absolutely fabulous. 

I truly do like Mr. Manners. We have so much in common. Conversation is easy and fun. There is definitely a big bright spark between us. 

Of course, try as I might to be on time, I wasn't. Only about 15 minutes late and there he was sitting at the bar in a suit. Whoa, baby! Mr. Manners was quite the sight. Suit = hot. 

We quickly jumped in to getting caught up on our very eventful day. Oh, the way that man looks at me. Not in a gross sort of undressing me way; his gaze is intent as he takes in all the details. I have never had a man look at me like that before. I could get very used to it. 

As the evening progressed, we touched on some deep subjects. He is passionate about things and I find that so very refreshing. He has dimensions. Again, Mr. Manners was such a gentleman. 

At the end of the evening, he walked me to my car; putting his arm around me. Ah, bliss. Since I parked far away (due to being frazzled when I got there), I drove him back to his car. Oh, the man kissed me goodbye. Several times. Several times. 

Mr. Manners is busy making plans for future time together and I cannot wait. 

voicemail

Mr. Manners is living up to his moniker. He is so polite, respectful, courteous.

I saw that I missed two calls from Mr. Manners this evening and there was a voicemail waiting for me. Immediately (and wrongly) I assumed the worst: he is cancelling tomorrow night.

I listened to the message and was delighted that he was merely letting me know he may be a bit late tomorrow night. Nothing serious. Simply being a courteous man.

I called him back and got his voicemail but he called back shortly. We spoke for about a half hour about the fun and games we have going on during the day tomorrow before we meet up. Since August is really busy for both of us, Mr. Manners was already inquiring about my schedule for next week. Woo hoo!!

While I was already excited for tomorrow night, tonight's turn of events have me looking forward to 5 PM even more.

suck it up

A weekend free of Mr. Manners contact and as such, I was a bit hesitant to contact him today (but way deep down, I knew I needed to). If there is one thing I have come to know about me, it is that I am not encouraging to the male species.

And so I sucked up my courage and sent Mr. Manners a text. Immediate response. Immediate. A little tip-toeing back and forth and then once again, sucked up more courage to press 'send' on "anything exciting this week?" The flood gates opened, with he has his guys trip coming up this weekend followed by "want to try and get together?"

Amen! Wednesday we are seeing each other again. We'll see how things go a second time. For once, I am actually excited. Now, what to wear?!

i hope you dance

Let's play a bit of catch up...

Potential Suitor #2. He was even more of a pushy, stick-up-his-arse man than I anticipated. He didn't know how to play bingo but he sure knew how to point all the numbers out on my card. Irritated, oh yes I was indeed! He didn't even tell me he was leaving (I thought he was on another smoke break, which I wasn't too excited about anyway). I found a twenty folded in half under his water glass. Classy, kids, classy.

Now Potential Suitor #3 has been in the wings for awhile. We finally made a date to meet this past Wednesday. 

In the meantime, there was a Potential Suitor #4. He was all about text messages and not meeting. Seriously, a girl simply cannot waste that much energy on text messages. Grow a pair and let's meet. So, I haven't heard from him since Monday and I am okay with it. 

Back to Potential Suitor #3. Wednesday night was such a truly pleasant surprise. I psyched myself for one drink filled with graciousness and out the door. He was there when I arrived and when he motioned at me, I almost died because he was better looking in person (and his photos were nice already). He definitely drank me in and filled me in on his online switcho-changeo experiences, e.g., the person looks nothing like her photos. He was perceptive and inquired as to what perfume I was wearing. My obscure French perfume continues to work her magic on men. So we had a drink and split a dozen oysters and he asked if I'd like to join him for dinner. 

We had a lovely dinner at a steak place. Enjoyed wine, talked, laughed. I really did enjoy him. He was also very gentleman old school style. Not only did he open door, he made sure he walked on the traffic side of the sidewalk as we traversed downtown. He thought my slight Texas accent was cute. He walked me to my car, asking me to send him a quick text when I got home; he prefaced this request with "Now I know this is going to sound very old-fashioned but would you please,". And then kids, Mr. Manners kissed me. Oh baby! Oh baby! He said he wanted to see me again too and made that statement several times. 

I did send him a quick message when I got home. He immediately responded and reiterated that he wanted to arrange a second date. 

Yesterday, Mr. Manners sent me a message after work. We exchanged a few but no second date planned. 

Today I didn't hear from him. I should have sent him a message but I was on the fence all afternoon so I didn't.... don't want to appear too pushy. Dating is such a delicate dance. And I have two left feet. 

the revolving door

Remember the date I was supposed to have with Potential Suitor #1 last night? Well, it didn't happen. Mid-morning I received an email from Potential Suitor #1 where he babbled on about a contemplative weekend complete with decision that he's not ready to date.

While I sent a brief but gracious response, I can read through the lines of reasons he gave me and boy, was it a sentence packed paragraph! The "it's not you, it's me" boils down to he met someone else over the weekend. No reason to sugar coat anything for this girl!

Tonight I am meeting Potential Suitor #2. I did not think he would be game to meet me in a predominantly gay bar but it was an event I was attending anyway. Much to my disbelief, Potential Suitor #2 agreed (quickly too) to meet me there. We'll see what the story is on this monkey. Honestly kids, I am not expecting much.

This will be a one-hit-wonder that I will be happy to have behind me. A cocktail and a pleasant nice-to-meet-you-but-no-thanks. 

Now to cultivate Potential Suitors # 3, #4, and #5!

date night recap

I had plenty of runway to get ready and somehow I still managed to be late meeting Potential Suitor #1.

He did an excellent job selecting our venue; reminded me a lot of Austin. As for looks, he was a bit different than his photos. Not good or bad, just a bit different seeing a person in 3-D. He was well dressed from his shirt to his shoes, because y'all know I eyeballed the man's footwear.

Conversation flowed very easily. He was upfront, straightforward, and sincere with me. We laughed a lot and any initial meeting awkwardness did not last long.

It was a wonderful change from my last dance down the internet dating lane. He wants to see me again and told me so last night as we parted ways and again in an email this morning.

And I am looking forward to a next time :-)

a dress for every occassion

It was another jam packed weekend. Sadly with all the jam packedness, I still found ways to compare this place to Austin and to be reminded of everything this place is not. I know I shouldn't but I cannot help myself. Well, maybe the only thing that helped were those fried green tomatoes and fried okra. Clearly, I like my help deep fried and served with wine!

Tomorrow is my rendezvous with Potential Suitor #1. I have no idea what I am going to wear!? So many dresses, so many shoes. But what to wear? I hope inspiration will be overflowing tomorrow afternoon.

Potential Suitor #2 called again last night. I didn't hear the phone ring. Honest. When I listened to his voice message this morning, I was annoyed. I think Potential Suitor #2 believes he is being funny with his messages but he simply rubs me the wrong way. I should be giddy after listening to a message as opposed to the recoil I experience.

I sincerely hope I am not horribly disappointed tomorrow night.

radio silence

This is the part of attempting to date that I hate: radio silence.

Communication with Said Potential Suitor #1 has been daily. Yesterday, radio silence. He could be busy. He could be dead. But I don't like the fact that I am disappointed. Combined with frustration about another Potential Suitor #2, who feels like he is being difficult and an arse to boot and I am realizing why I retreat into my comfort zone of no-men-is-a-okay-by-me.

I go into that zone due to the frustration, perceived games, inconsistency. I feel I try to be genuine and honest, but get frustrated when I don't feel that in return. It is "feel" that is the operative word, right. My feelings are based on my perception. What if my perception is skewed? What if I give up too easily? Get frustrated too easily? I worry that I let my inner skeptic take control of the reins at the moment any perceived grievance is lodged.

Maybe the time has come for me to put my big girl panties on and not worry about all this. Not to pick things apart. Not to give away my power. Just roll with it. Yes, that will be my new mantra every time the skeptic tries to barge in.