23 August 2006

Day 2 - Thinking About My Purpose

"What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?"

My Personality

  • Intense shyness
  • Fear of feeling vulnerable
  • Being too independent
  • Giving too much of myself to others

My Background

  • Stigma attached to being Puerto Rican
  • Not being taken seriously because pretty and smart together are not respected

My Physical Appearance

  • Fat thighs
  • Big ass
  • Tummy flab
  • Stress acne
  • Gray hairs that are starting to join the scene
  • Big nose
  • Not being able to lose the last ten pounds
  • Feeling ugly

Funny that the list I completed first and likewise was the easiest to complete was the physical appearance. While I am always told that I am pretty, I have never seen it. I focus on all my faults and I know that is self-defeating. I want to be better, I want to be more. I have fought my whole life so that I did not end up like my mother, but I feel that it is happening. The events leading up to the divorce caused to me gain weight and the anti-depressants pushed the scale ever upward. While I may look fine to the rest of the world, I feel like a fat pig. I have a closet full of clothes that are a little to tight.

I am tired. I did not sleep well last night. Thinking about the fat is further depressing me, so I am signing off.

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