06 July 2007

Night from Hell

Last night.

I have never been more afraid, terrified. Felt so incredibly powerless. With only a mobile phone to be there. To try to stop the worst possible thing in the world.

I cried. I was authoritative. Played the Sargent. Utilized guilt. Personalized it. The bully. The tree hugging free lover. Yes, I wore many hats. Damn, I tried on any and every hat I could get my hands on.

I could not sleep. He would not pick up the phone. I prayed that he passed out as opposed to the alternative. I lived in terror, utter sheer fear. As if to be so much more worse than jail day. Why? Because I am 768 miles away. Powerless. I felt I was half a world away because I could not get there, no matter how much I wanted to.

I laid awake most of the night wondering. Wondering if he was still with me. Wondering if I should call the police. Wondering how I would live with myself if he indeed checked out. Wondering how we got here. Wondering why we are here. at. this. juncture. Wondering. Wondering. Wondering.

He called at 7:30 this morning. Just as I was contemplating calling. Half wanting to know, half not. He is still here. We talked about a plan.

My words last night - this is a joint decision - we are a team - always have been - always will be - just give me a few more days.

I know. I understand all too well. Because I have been there. Peering over the edge. Wanting the pain, the excruciating pain to be gone. forever. The words were so vibrant, showed a plan - as if to be premeditated. But he is still here.

My little psychic (now on the other side) saw me, him, and three children on two separate visits. I did not want that future to be gone last night. Because his daughters are my daughters. And we still have to make our family complete.

But after last night, I wonder if things have changed too much since my little psychic saw this last year and several years before that. Maybe this is just the rocky road we must travel to achieve our nirvana. Or this is road I must learn from and exit in order to find myself on the road meant for my happiness.

Only time will tell.

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