Last night at 9:27, the phone rang. I was in bed reading. Contacts out, pjs on, face washed, dogs tucked in, 1/2 a Tylenol PM consumed. The evening was done for me.
It was Montana Man. His voice sounded terrible. He cautiously asked if I would meet him for a beer. Because of what I heard in his voice, I agreed.
So I got dressed in my new size 8 jeans and medium tee. Applied a quick dash of make up, kennelled the hounds, and was out the door.
He was already at the bar when I arrived. He looked like shit. His eyes were so tired. Hell warmed over. Hugged. He checked me out - seeing as I have lost a bunch of weight and had purposely chosen items that emphasized it.
Coors Light all around. Then the talking began. MM told me he was tired. He is going to the Daytona time trials at the end of the month to decompress. He kept emphasizing he was going by himself.
He showed me the facilities his new company is going to purchase. His face lit up a bit when I asked questions and showed genuine interest. MM shifted around in his chair a bit, looked at the floor then said he had to tell me something and didn't know how to but he had to tell me. All the build up only for it to be that a bit ago he had dated a chick for a couple of weeks. He broke it off quickly and stated it didn't feel right. MM continued by assuring me he knew I'd been on a couple dates. To this I replied that I honestly haven't; dating is not on my priority list at this time - cultivating friendships is my priority. However, I did tell him that men have hit on me from time to time, which has been ego boost enough for this girl.
MM apologized profusely about all he'd put me through. I am done with being sorry and told him so.
Next item was that our friendship means so much more to him than our relationship did. I am the one person in this world he can count on to listen to him. Profuse thanks and gratitude for meeting him tonight were uttered.
He asked why I continue to speak with him, put up with him. For that I did not have an answer at the time. Honestly, some days - no, most days -I don't know why myself.
A beer later, he pulled me closer to him. Waited a bit. Then tried to kiss me - which caught me off guard. I simply looked at him. Of course, later we ended up cementing that kiss.
MM went on and on about our friendship. We talked about the gyrls a bit. We talked about my life some; however, I focused the conversations on MM because I knew he had to talk.
"Wanderlust Gryl, I know you better than you will ever know and I know that you know me better than anyone else." The magnet between us is still strong - and we are both powerless against it. There's this spark that ignites - we both sense it - however, neither of us speaks of it. I truly believe our souls recognize each other - that's our bond. However, that recognition - what is it's importance?
The man I left the bar with was a vastly different man than I met there just a few hours earlier. He walked me to my car, where we proceeded to hug which turned into some passionate kiss action.
We went back to my house. Two consenting adults - yes. He was the man I fell in love with a year ago - the tender, caring, sweet man who looks like anything but those things. I missed him and that was why when he asked to stay overnight, I said yes. Because lately my king size bed has been empty. I needed to have his arms around me while I sleep.
Incredible sex ensued. Our perfect fit was brought up by him. Are you noticing the evening's pattern too? MM's pendulum swing between relationship states - togetherness vs friendship.
He still loves me - not simply because he told me so - but because I can still see the love in his eyes. But until he has got the rest of his life stable, there is no us.
While being held in his strong arms, MM asked me "Why does someone so pretty, smart and thin as you want some old, fat, ugly divorced man?"
I told him about what Breckenridge pal had got me thinking about - about us and a second go - but that he had already given me his answer earlier in the evening. But still I did verbalize it.
He thanked me for being there for him tonight. I told him that if he simply wanted a booty call, it'd have been easier to state that from the beginning. I struck a nerve with him on that statement. He retorted he needed to talk - that was why he called - but getting laid was a surprisingly delightful perk. My reply - so I am only ears and a vagina to you. "No, Wanderlust, you most definitely aren't. You are so much more to me than just that."
I was growing tired but we continued to talk. He told me that if there were any loss on the Merc sale, he'd split the difference with me because the car was part of his responsibility. He spoke of the fact that I have stuck by him a lot longer and through more shit than he'd expected me too. Another topic he brought up was the monetary part - how much he appreciated it to get him through - I told him I shared it with him because I loved him and he needed it at the time. Somehow him being a topic with my therapist came up - he didn't know he was - duh! He said something about me moving into the house, which I only vaguely remember, something about being put on the house as second owner - I know I replied "that's too much math for me right now."
I fell asleep for a bit but then was awake, my brain trying to process the entire evening. Lots of emotion everywhere. Our previous post-break up encounters have not been this emotionally charged. The mixed signals/messages really got me this time. I had been feeling nostalgic any way with January 17th being a year that we first met.
For the first time in a long time, he stayed in bed until 8:30 this morning. It was nice to have him by my side last night; however, it also reminds me of what I miss. Today I am a little sad. Also a little disappointed. A little confused. A little happy. All rolled into one.
My take away - the moral of sorts:
Montana Man does love me. But. He is not in a place for us to be anything more than friends right now. He may never be in a place for us to be anything other than simply friends. No matter what my heart feels, I cannot let it lead me because it won't lead me to a place I need to be. What is/was MM's purpose in my life? Why did he come into my life? I can't let this get to me. I have to accept it and not become emotionally attached - can't let it affect me emotionally.