30 August 2007

Tired, Exhausted, Drained

It is almost 10 PM and I am so extremely exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. Considering I have not been able to sleep all week, spending my time madly cleaning at midnight, tonight I am ready to rest.

I think it has to do with me being so tired from working so damn much since March. With zero break. I need a week off. I am honestly going to try to make next week that week off. I need it. My temper's been short. I am physically exhausted.

Also, I have been doing a lot of cleaning - primarily getting rid of stuff. Leech stuff, items that are no longer me. The purging has been good but also very demanding. I think the exodus of my former life is almost complete and from that I am tired too.

I watched Montana Man's girls after school tonight. Which means we played non-stop. Pile more on to the tired column. Needless to say, an important item was forgotten at my house and I had to return it tonight. All three were up on his bed watching a movie. Then all four of us were on his bed. Let the weirdness commence. Montana Man tells me about their family discussion tonight, which of course, I get dragged into because the girls talk to me - or more appropriately I can talk to the girls and get them to be a little more open than their father. The girls are very upset but don't know how to express it and cannot express their feelings to the perpetrator. Perpetrator is a very harsh word and is not used in the correct context here - no crime was committed, no harm to the children - but I am beyond tired and my feelings toward this person makes me not want to search another word. She is not worth my energy. I had to step in and try to be the bridge - their female sounding board - why? - because they are just little girls who are having to try to navigate through shite that even I as an intelligent, compassionate adult have a lot of trouble understanding myself.

The girls were doing better when I left. No wonder they were so angelic today at my house - it all makes sense now. I am too tired to go into the details; the emotion of it is enough for me right now. I cried a bit on the way home - cried because the girls are dealing with shite that they shouldn't have to - they are my young little innocent loves. I also realize my days of serving this role in their lives is close to an end - their father is beginning to look for other women again - my days as auntie are numbered - and I hope for their sake whenever and whoever their father chooses to drag home that the new woman (women) treats them like I always have - as if they were my own. Because those two little girls deserve nothing less than the best.

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