22 August 2007

Rants on Mexico

I am ready to fill y'all in on my little jaunt to Mexico. My traveling partner, Sparkles flew in the day before and we of course went out for cocktails. Here is where my fears came to the forefront - Sparkles inability to go home at a reasonable hour and inability to control her drinking. I had to play the adult since she wasn't going to and after enjoying Mexican Martinis, I had to work really hard for an hour to get her ass out of the bar. Ugh! Foreshadowing, foreshadowing...

Now I have made it perfectly clear to Sparkles what exactly my intentions were for this trip, namely doing nothing besides enjoying sitting/splashing at the beach and/or pool with the occasional cocktail to keep me cool while basking in the sun. No excursions, no waking up early, no nothing. Pretty clear, don't cha think.

Sparkles informs me that she plans to drag my ass parasailing, swimming with dolphins, and snorkeling. I begin to believe that Sparkles truly does not listen to a word I say because I have been making my trip intentions clear for months now. I say no, to which she responds "I figured you'd be afraid to parasail." Fuck that bitch, I am not afraid and if she paid half a lick of attention to anything I've ever told her, she'd know I am anything but afraid, which really torqued me. That was piss-off number one. Let's keep count, shall we?

Piss-off number two came in the form of determining the time to leave for the airport. She wanted to be there three hours before the flight. Yes, you read that correctly - three hours. She was insistent, which sent my blood pressure through the roof due to it being (a) unnecessary and (b) her level of insistence. She cited returning the rental car, checking luggage and security screening as taking days. This is a small airport, where everything soup-to-nuts takes maybe 20 minutes on a busy day and oh perish the thought that I fly out of said airport regularly so maybe I know a little something about this. I told her so and we left based on my timetable. Imagine my joy when everything happened exactly as I described and I reminded her of it. The plane was late, so we sat and waited and waited and waited.

The Mexican Customs and Immigrations forms seemed to baffle Sparkles. Rather than ask me, the girl who has flown a half million miles, entered and exited numerous countries, she insisted on asking one of the snotty gals from our group. Snotty gal assumed we were both as clueless as Sparkles, which made my blood boil. Snotty gal will learn of my various sojourns when the opportunity presents itself.

Food was also an issue. All Sparkles wanted to do was eat. I am not much of a recreational eater. I am hungry so I eat. Buffets do not mean pile the plate sky high. My buffet philosophy is that I'd rather keep a single layer of chow on my plate and make three trips than hoard feet of food all slopped together on one plate. Sparkles is a piler and had to make comments on my "scant" plate. The one that got to me is "You hardly eat anything. I would think you'd be thinner than you are." Blood pressure rose with that one. I bit my tongue because there was still another few days to go on this adventure. That was piss-off number four.

Clothing became an unnecessary drama. We are at the resort for virtually a ten minute trip. We are not going to meet our soul mates and if we do, they are our soul mates, so they don't care what we are wearing because it is gonna happen if it is meant to happen, right? No, Sparkles had to change at least seven times to determine her outfit. We went through this process at least twice a day. Who are we going to impress? The dorks we came with? With each fashion show, I came one step closer to gouging my eyeballs out with a dull grapefruit spoon.

Then I had to endure her tantrum because her little excursions were not what they seemed. We all know the drill in Mexico. You have your little representative who sells you all the activities, yada, yada, yada. Sparkles missed her parasail appointment. Swimming with dolphins was a misnomer as there was no "swimming" but briefly being in the water with them and a $10 photo op. Finished by her opting to take a taxi back to the hotel as opposed to riding the bus, which was a $15 ride as opposed the $1 bus - you can imagine the complaining about that alone. Bitched and bitched and bitched. You'd think the sushi at our all-inclusive could soothe things - oh no - she was bitching there was too much octopus and not enough tuna - WTF do you want for free? The sushi was fresh, I was delighted and I am a sushi snob.

Sparkles was also annoyed by the fact that my frig at home was sparse. I don't keep lots of food. Again, I am not a hoarder; I buy on demand. She was pissed I did not have regular coke in the frig. I do not drink regular coke... hello, anyone, calories??

Needless to say, I was ready for her to go home. I realized that she does not have enough real world responsibility in the adult world. The childish behavior and everything being all about her all the time has been getting tiring and this pushed me over the top. I need adult friends - not dull boring adult - but fun adults who get the real world.

Final count on piss-off items is 7. However, we need to make that final count 8. When speaking with her earlier this week, Sparkles complained that our little trip was very expensive. WTF?!?! Yeah, everyone I told about the trip price and what we got for it was amazed at the price. Of course if you count the $15 cab ride, $110 dolphin thing, countless frivolous purchases maybe so, but then again if you don't have a mortgage or any real bills, what does it matter?!?

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