Tired, Exhausted, Drained

It is almost 10 PM and I am so extremely exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. Considering I have not been able to sleep all week, spending my time madly cleaning at midnight, tonight I am ready to rest.

I think it has to do with me being so tired from working so damn much since March. With zero break. I need a week off. I am honestly going to try to make next week that week off. I need it. My temper's been short. I am physically exhausted.

Also, I have been doing a lot of cleaning - primarily getting rid of stuff. Leech stuff, items that are no longer me. The purging has been good but also very demanding. I think the exodus of my former life is almost complete and from that I am tired too.

I watched Montana Man's girls after school tonight. Which means we played non-stop. Pile more on to the tired column. Needless to say, an important item was forgotten at my house and I had to return it tonight. All three were up on his bed watching a movie. Then all four of us were on his bed. Let the weirdness commence. Montana Man tells me about their family discussion tonight, which of course, I get dragged into because the girls talk to me - or more appropriately I can talk to the girls and get them to be a little more open than their father. The girls are very upset but don't know how to express it and cannot express their feelings to the perpetrator. Perpetrator is a very harsh word and is not used in the correct context here - no crime was committed, no harm to the children - but I am beyond tired and my feelings toward this person makes me not want to search another word. She is not worth my energy. I had to step in and try to be the bridge - their female sounding board - why? - because they are just little girls who are having to try to navigate through shite that even I as an intelligent, compassionate adult have a lot of trouble understanding myself.

The girls were doing better when I left. No wonder they were so angelic today at my house - it all makes sense now. I am too tired to go into the details; the emotion of it is enough for me right now. I cried a bit on the way home - cried because the girls are dealing with shite that they shouldn't have to - they are my young little innocent loves. I also realize my days of serving this role in their lives is close to an end - their father is beginning to look for other women again - my days as auntie are numbered - and I hope for their sake whenever and whoever their father chooses to drag home that the new woman (women) treats them like I always have - as if they were my own. Because those two little girls deserve nothing less than the best.

I am a Private School Bus

Today was a big Monday at home. I had to get myself to Montana Man's home at 7 AM to be there to take the gyrlies to school; Montana Man had an 8 AM meeting. So I got up early, honestly barely sleeping due to fear of oversleeping.

I got to Montana's Man house on time. That was the end of the goodness. It all went downhill from there. Honestly. Because. Kids. Being. Late. To. School. Is. Something. That. I. Find. Hard. To. Deal. With.

I remember being late as a child and the unnecessary drama that ensued. So I guess I am hyper-sensitive to it all. Montana Man running late as it is. Then the gyrlies and I leave, sans car seats, because car seats are in daddy's car headed opposite direction. So being a responsible adult, I ensure the gyrlies are belted in and head toward school. Montana Man calls in a panic - he figured out the car seats are in his car. We all have to turn around to meet at his home to get the car seats.

All is well. Head toward school. Aha! An accident on an already congested road. Luckily, my ever-calling Montana Man decides to ring. I inform him of the emergency lights on the horizon to which I get a "there is always traffic on this road; it's no accident you crazy woman." Luckily the kids saw the emergency vehicles and served as my witnesses that the "crazy lady" was in deed correct - accident up ahead.

But at my "holy fuck the traffic is not moving. Danger Will Robinson, the girlies are going to be oh so late," Montana Man turned around because only custodial parents can take the children in late and heaven forbid I be on any list of "approved" drop-off/picker-uppers.

So I am waiting to get onto the toll road, and the phone rings with Montana Man's special ring. I pick up. "You are in the wrong lane." I control my language due to the under aged ears in the vehicle. "Well Montana Man, if you stop calling me, I will be able to concentrate on DRIVING."

Dial tone. Toll booth. Missed turn. Finally at the school. Montana Man leading the caravan.

The gyrlie-gyrls were five minutes late. Montana Man did not make his 8 AM meeting - not by a long shot. I felt bad, I felt that I had let him down, let the girls down, he was in a pissy mood. But he told me shit happens and if it weren't for forgetting the car seats, everything would have been okay. And I start to think from me as opposed to them. I got up this morning to do him and the gyrls a favor. These children and their father are no longer my responsibility. Montana Man is going to go out and find other women to fuck, to pursue a life with and I am not on that radar. Fuck it, I was doing him a favor and life is not perfect. Not my responsibility. He's lucky I am a softy and agreed to it on my time at home. I win some, I lose some - but so long as I retain perspective, I cannot fail.