Last week, I endeavored on holiday with Montana Man and the gyrls. Overall, I thought that for never being around children for an extended period of time, I did a good job. Only had two major meltdowns.
Well, it seems that those two meltdowns were two too many for Montana Man. And other various things that did not make my radar, made his radar and I was only informed of this post-holiday. Of course, too late to work on any of it.
Montana Man is pulling away again... distancing himself... I can feel it... and it makes me sad... very sad.
I don't know any more. Are we trying to save something that is broken? Or is it something worth growing in to? Are each of us too critical? Scared? Or still injured from our previous relationships?
Last week was a tough week for me. Lots of internal turmoil that I should have shared with Montana Man. Everything I have ever dreamed of, presented itself to me last week... nieces, nephews, a large family. I sit here at 32's door step and I see clearly where my choices have led me. While I have a good job, smarts, a home, material and financial does not make for a complete life. It is was that void that I came face-to-face with last week. And it made me sad.
How do I rectify this? I try but I don't always know where my place is, what my role is, what questions to ask? I am a blank slate when it comes to children. I am learning, I am trying but I am not perfect - I will make mistakes, and I know things will get better. I just need some time.