I reached out to MM because he understands this feeling. And I needed empathy desperately. I needed the support. He was the only one who could give it to me.
I asked. He came over. A little awkwardness as neither of us knows how to proceed on this road called "just friends." My hound girls were so happy to see him. The G-hound was ecstatic. She couldn't get enough of MM.
I showed him the changes I made around the house. The results of my weekend cleaning frenzy and subsequent wallpaper removal.
He had to go to the airport to catch an evening flight. He embraced me, hugged me the way I needed. To feel the warmth of human kindness. Something so small but something I so desperately needed in the hole of darkness.
In our embrace, his hands wandered down to my bum. However, no hanky panky ensued.
Then at the front door, he hugged me again. Held me in his arms, comforting me. He kissed me. He kissed me again and again there at the front door. We parted ways.
A little later I received a phone call and a text message stating he was sorry he kissed me. That is what happens after I see him these days - a recanting of the transpired events. I told him not to worry as I understand things are over between us. Even though I wish it weren't done, I know his heart is closed to me. Coming to terms with that is the key.